Cliche Dilemma

[DubTak]

Ok, I know that this sounds like a bad lifetime movie, but I'm having trouble coping with the idea of being truly and openly bisexual. Most of my good friends know and do not care one way or the other (hehe...both ways), but I have very deliberately not told my parents, or my brother, or any of my extended family, or anyone at work, or...well the list goes on.

I'm just very tired of lying to family and such, but I also don't want to have to deal with the inevitable fallout from coming out in addition to all of my other problems of late. It just seems like too much to handle, but it has seemed that way for years and I'm sick of not being able to handle it.

I don't know whether it would be a good idea or not to come out, but it seems harder and harder (hehe) to hide, especially now that I'm on this site a lot and am planning on attending some Bi social groups later in the month. I feel like every day I pack another pound of explosives in front of a slow-moving fuse and it's eventually going to blow up in my face (did I mention that detailed analogies are kinda my thing?).

It is a new year, and with that comes the promise of new opportunities and changes that will hopefully be for the better. I just can't shake the idea that this'll be the year that everyone I've tried to hide my sexuality from will find out and that my pretty little house of cards is going to turn into 52 card pick-up. I am, more than anything, terrified that this will end badly for me, or that my Hamlet-esque inability to take action will force me to push my family (etc) out of my life.

I'm tired of being hidden, tired of lying, and tired of being so G-d damned neurotic that I can't even get my shit together. I want desperately to be open, but I feel I lack the courage to actually do it. Alas...

Thank you for reading my little rant; any thoughts are appreciated.

-DubTak:flag4:

[Doggiestyle]

Damm, all this double talk is gonna git you into double trouble if your not careful. Ha Ha SERIOUSLY NOW. Tell us why do you feel the need to tell on your self? Hey if things are goin smooth for you now, then don't try to fix something thats not really broke. Why does anybody have to run & tell theirs & others, secrets? I really can't speak really rightfully about your feelings, & I am not trying to step on them. But there are lots of things that are all about us in this world that you should not tell others. Agreed? Like take for example the guys at work. You notice some just do their job & mind their own business (even though they are capable of "playing") & then there are others that make trouble for themselves & others, always starting trouble (not starting fun) keeping everbody pissed off, ETC just because of what they say. Everybody seems to be livin their life comfortably in the condition their in so why can't you? Tellin on yourself probably won't help & it can limit you, especially at work. Even where you live, California, the most liberal state (supposedly) most of the gays & simi-gays live in the closet to. Count on it some will condemm you like the rednecks will.
Lets take me for example. This is what happened in my life. When I was a teen, I got hooked up with & got to know some guys that were gay. I never felt threatened by them. In fact I enjoyed their company. To the world they were straight but to each other they were a party. At first they were giving me drinks, then blowjobs, then the next thing you know, it was the whole 9 yards...:yikes2:...(well not quite 9 yards) but you know. Well anyway everything was cool for a while then I made the mistake of tellin a "buddy" where he could git all the booz & pot he wanted. He then said "yeah buddy" till I told him the rest. Oh man, BAD MISTAKE, he said "HELL NO" laughed & called me a "queer buddy" & everthing else ETC. What was worse was that he told everbody at school. They were talkin & laughing & callin me a "queer buddy". Then the next thing you know the teachers were finding out & counseling me & the guidance counselor & the principal was on my ass & they told my parents. IT WAS REALLY BAD. I denied it all & called my so called buddy a liar, swore up & down he's a damm liar. Got into a bad fight with him, (we both lost that one). At least that got the officials off my ass, but not the students, they never forgot. I learned a valuable lesson about that. I can't speak for others at this site but I am still in the closet here at home about my sexual related activities. When I want to git really freaky, I do it out of town (theres not much gay or bi goes on in this town anyway) Oh I have friends in town that know about me, but at work, something else. I work at a factory (about 75 people) and even take a shower with them in the companys public shower-house and if they really knew about me for shure then it would be like the school-days all over again cause, for the most part they are all dumb assed trouble makin rednecks. At the end of the day I go my way & they theirs. I hope that you DUB TAK live in a big enough town that that you can blend in & become invisible enough to live in peace. If so please learn to live in peace with yourself. Trust me, life will be much simple-er if you do. Tellin your wife & your kids, if there old enough to truly understand. I think you should. Especially your wife, she should allready know. But the rest of the world. HELL NO not their business. Now those on this site can help you with this also I am shure
Hey remember that song by Kenny Rogers "The Gambler"? How the gambler said to never let them see your emotions. Never give a hint at what cards your holdin. Know when to quit. Know when to walk away & know when to run. To me that song is really full of good advice.

Damm this hore my finger out man, I mean all this good advice. For what it may be worth then thats just my...:2cents:

Your friend.......Doggie.......:doggie:

[DiamondDog]

:2cents:
Come out to your friends and family since you seem to want to right now based on what you wrote.

[DubTak]

And the debate begins!

In quasi-response:

I'm 22 and living a stone's through away from San Francisco, so becoming a social pariah is not a particular worry of mine. But Doggie does bring up a good point. Why fix something that isn't broken? If I can pass as straight, which I completely can, why cause trouble? Unfortunately, to my mind this is all too close to the mentality that caused many Jews to not oppose the rise of the Nazi party in post WWI Germany. Not that this is on the same scale, mind you, but the act of fading into the background can easily get a person disregarded, insane, or trampled on.

Yet, to respond to DiamondDog, my desire to come out isn't clear. Among other things, coming out to my family would mean dealing with my somewhat conservative grandparents, my suburban queen aunt, and generally trudging through a lot of work and grief that I'm not sure I can handle.

On the other hand, I have an openly gay second cousin who has always been accepted at social gatherings and family things. I should really be talking to her about this; that I haven't is somewhat embarrassing.

Thank you for the input and I will update you all if anything develops from this.

-DubTak:flag4:

P.S. I just found out that a friend of mine who was openly bisexual in high school is now closeted again (at least on Facebook). Not sure how to feel about that...

[DiamondDog]

If you want to come out, do it on your terms, when you want to, and for yourself.

Ignore the nagging idea that friends/family/society will reject you since they probably won't since they care for you and they should just want you to be happy and be yourself, and you wrote about how you have a lesbian cousin who everyone in your family is fine with.

Also ignore the people who have gone back into the closet out of fear.

The only time you shouldn't come out would be if you are threatened with violence against yourself by a phobic friend/family member.

[evilpanda]

This is so familiar. I only got through my coming out recently. For me, it was PROP H8, which set me off like an exploding powder keg. I was sooo pissed that I was out there protesting and preparing to blast my bisexual fury all over my blog.

In the heat of the moment, I wrote a really long letter to my entire family, ranting on and on about how the mormons and fanatics lied to the world and stole our rights from us. Everything I had kept bottled up and hidden from them for years just came spewing out.

I didn't send that email, but I realized just how much I had to say to them. I decided that now was the time, because the LGBT marriage issue was now front and center and our Obama victory party got fucked. Ultimately, that helped my cousins adjust because they had just voted on same sex marriage in Connecticut, and my mom, who is a die hard Democrat.

My aunt told me something. She said that every parent who watches their kid grow up has already thought long and hard about the dreaded day when their kid comes out of the closet. She had decided long ago to accept her sons for who they are, regardless. They got married, had kids, one of them died of cancer. When I told her I was queer, she said she had gotten over it years ago.

You'd also be surprised at how well people know you. My oldest friends had me figured out ten years before I told them. They were just waiting for me to figure it out. Little ticks and mannerisms give you away over a long enough stretch of time. In my case, it was how vehemently I denied it. Like Tom Cruise.

The mom is easier to tell first, but make sure she is there when Dad hears it first. And Dad is always the last to find out because he's the most difficult one to tell. This shouldn't be the case. Mine was, but I made sure nobody told him that they knew before he did.

The Coming Out Talk is, at best, awkward and uncomfortable, at worst, a living hell. It's like a break-up. You have to say the words, hold on, and brace yourself for a hell of a ride. My dad tried to deny it, talk me out of it, the usual. He eventually hung up when he realized just how drained he was, but e-mailed me with a letter about how much he loved me. Nowhere did he reference my sexuality and he hasn't since.

I'm doing them a favor by keeping quiet about it now. They all know and that's the important thing. I know they won't forget that I'm queer, but there's no need to hammer them with LGBT issues and complicate their coming to terms with it. At the end of the day, I'm not any different and they all know that.

The thing I learned is that you have to handle it as an adult. Be a grown man about it. Shatter every preconceived notion they have of candy raving twig-boys sucking on pacifiers and saying, "Talk to the hand!" Show them that you are the same person, no secret double life of debauchery (or if you have one, pretend you don't).

The process is not going to be the Hallmark moment you imagine, but maturity and understanding goes a long way, especially with the parents. Don't lose your cool when someone denies it or passes judgement. Just take it one person, one step at a time, and show them patience, even when they show you none.

And - even though I know this isn't a problem for you, specifically - resist the urge to make big dramatic statements. You don't need to top anything Ellen did, or reveal every facet of the LGBT lifestyle. You are coming out, plain and simple. I believe a lot of coming out moments are botched by making more of a big deal than is necessary.

For me, it's been less than two months. I got Christmas cards from everyone, my dad still talks to me, etc. It's shocking at first, and takes some getting used to, but, in the end, you are no different than you were before coming out. Your family will accept you, but, you have to make it as uncomplicated as possible for them.

[bisocialnudist]

Coming out as bi is hard but so liberating. I started with my wife, then adult kids then sister, sister in law , brother, friends, boss and then just before thanksgiving got the courage to tell my 85 year old parents. In my case it all went very well. I was surprised at how well I was accepted. Sure tehre were lots of questions but I came prepared with answers. It helped that I am very sure of my bisexuality. This new year my intention is to live my life as who I am and be out with anyone with a need to know.

This does not mean I walk up to people and go Hi Im Mark and Im a bisexual but if it comes up in conversation or its something I feel would help the person Im talking to I am open about who I am. It took me until I was 52 to get to this point and I would have saved myself a lot of pain if Id done it 30 years ago.

I was tired of the isolation and being invisible. Especially as a married bisexual most just assume Im hetrosexual but I crave a "me to" and "I understand" . At long last Im getting that. I dont think its easy being bi so its nice to have others that understand. Its one of the great things about sites like this.

Anyway. When you are ready take your time. Its been 18 months since I first started coming out. I started with the people who would most support me. As my pose grew in numbers I got braver and less afraid of rejection. If someone rejected me I could retreat to those who already support me for strength. Turned out not to be necessary but that was my stratagy.

I personally feel so much better just being who I am. Life is about more then our sexuality but most of us with that desire to be out know what Im talking about when that voice goes "if only you knew who I really am" .

At long last I am who I am and loving it.

Good luck,
Mark

[GGirrl]

A couple a quotes from a great San Fran queer writer... not meant to be harsh, just thought provoking....

"[I]t's time you stopped thinking of heterosexuals as the enemy.
It's both convenient and comforting to bemoan the cardboard villainy of
Jerry Falwell and friends, but the real culprits in this melodrama are
just as queer as you are.

They sleep with you by night and conspire to keep you invisible by day.
They are studio-chiefs and bank presidents and talk-show hosts, and
they don't give a damn about your oppression because they've got their
piece of the pie, and they got it by living a lie."
Armistead Maupin

"If you hate your job, quit it. If your friends
are tedious, go out and find new ones. You are queer, you lucky fool,
and that makes you one of life's buccaneers, free from the clutter of
2,000 years of Judeo-Christian sermonizing. Stop feeling sorry for
yourself and start hoisting your sails. You haven't a moment to loose."
Armistead Maupin

:bipride:

[FalconAngel]

No matter if you come out or not; no matter who you tell or how you tell them, in the immortal words of the great Bard "Above all else, to thine own self be true".

[DubTak]

Advice from writers, experienced come-outers, and Shakespeare himself. Good stuff all around.

I think evilpanda touched on the real core of the issue: California's Prop 8. I've lived in a sheltered little world of tolerance and acceptance and I forgot for a while that LGBTs were still fighting for rights. I got caught up in the Bay Area's "accept all walks of life mentality" and I forgot that my way of life is still considered by many to be less-than-American, morally wrong, inherently sinful, take your pick. I watched my beloved Golden State take my rights that for so long I have been secretly pretending I don't need and tear them apart. There was about a month of shock, and then my righteous rage started bubbling to the surface. How, in the face of openly gay and bisexual people, can I hide my allegiances when they no longer have the same basic freedoms as other Americans? How can I sit idly by and see my brethren stripped, chained, and tossed over a bridge with sneakers made from cement?

Yet I still live in fear: fear of my brother once again reacting with violent negativity over something that I believe should be a point of happiness, fear of deepening my dad's depression and worsening his alcoholism, fear of giving my mom further reasons to worry about me, fear of yet again disappointing my grandparents. (I know that I'm referring to events you all know nothing about, if you're curious just ask). I live in constant terror of leaving my cushy little bubble and putting myself at risk for rejection. My G-d I fear rejection and disapproval so much...I cripple myself with my worry and my doubt...

That is the core of my struggle: which is stronger, my sense of righteousness or my deep-seated reject-ophobia. Alas...I know not which shall win.

-DubTak

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Honeyboy, why do you feel the need to have to tell Anyone about your sexuality..family-wise I mean? I know you want to be out and free, but it sounds like you have too much at home to contend with right now. Once you are out on your own then I think this would be a better time to say anything, if at all. Your sex life is Yours, and it shouldnt be any business of anybody But yours.
Hope you find a happy medium.
Cat

[Realist]

I agree with Cat. If my advice was asked for, I'd say, Do what you have to at home...keep the peace. Your sexuality is for you to explore and share with those of like minds. No one at home needs to know. They really do not need to know. To be free, you will have to find a new and friendlier environment, then spread your wings.

I took me way too long to figure this out and I hope you're smarter than I was. There is a decent, fun, rewarding world out there, with those who feel the same as you...........it's that where you are now, is not it!