the truth is too painful

[paddington]

Hi,i'm trying to be honest with my husband about how i feel.i've told him i miss sleeping&being with the woman i was seeing(ended it some time ago after realising she was telling me allsorts of lies).she's told me she's "out"-i know anyway as she's "outed" me,but she's mixing in groups of lesbian women,that isn't what i want,i'm not a lesbian.
i'm much closer to my husband,i love him very much but this just isn't going away. when we make love i think about women almost every time. am i in denial?
i've seen her again over Christmas-just talking nothing more.she still wants me to move in with her.i never believed you could love 2 people but i do,even though i know she is very manipulative,i just can't seem to get her out of my system.
my husband has said it's very, very hard to hear you're not enough.on one hand he asks for 100%honesty,tells me he deserves it-he does,he's a good man,but when i am honest he says it's too much to hear.

[DiamondDog]

Only you know if you're lesbian or not.

If you are, you don't want this woman as a girlfriend or as a roommate since she sounds mean and angry when she can't get her own way, and she sounds jealous that you're married to your husband and have a stronger relationship with him than with her. I'm just going by what you wrote about her and what she's done. .:2cents:

That woman who you were in a relationship with sounds like bad news since you wrote about how she's a manipulative liar, cut her out of your life, don't have anything to do with her, and don't look back.

[paddington]

Hi, thankyou so much for reply,it was just what i needed when i needed it-you'll never know! i saw her today she tries so hard to pressure me into what she wants,telling me i'm lonely etc without her. i shouldn't listen to her. things have been so much better without her for me and my husband.she seems to be able to get at me and i end up questioning myself when i shouldn't.
the biggest thankyou! x

[talking2trees]

my husband has said it's very, very hard to hear you're not enough.on one hand he asks for 100%honesty,tells me he deserves it-he does,he's a good man,but when i am honest he says it's too much to hear.

I'm glad you came to a good decision about the situation.
I know exactly what you mean when you say it's hard to be honest. Telling the truth hurts a lot sometimes, and I feel I've hurt my husband many times by being very honest and open about my feelings with him. But I've come to the conclusion that I will always, always prefer to live with complete honesty than have to hide and lie about part of myself to my life partner. And maybe we really can't grow and learn without the pain and hard decisions in life. It's definitely worth it (if a bit frustrating!) :)

- Cristi

[Realist]

As one who lied my ass off in the past, I can vouch for the argument that truth is the best way to go. It may hurt, but then you won't have to think up other lies to cover the first ones made up! Those who discover the lies are always hurt the most. So, anyone with a conscience, should feel terrible about that.

Anyway, the lies always seem to come back to haunt you. No matter how discreet, or smart you are, lies usually come to light.

Last year, after being divorced, I went on a campaign of being brutally honest, with those who needed to know. The results has been that I met both a male and female who have became lovers, accept me and each other, as loving partners, while each with their own unique contributions to the relationship. Life is better, now, than any time in recent memory! Honesty really does pay!

[csrakate]

There is a very fine line between being totally honest with yourself and doing so at the cost to those involved in your life. I agree that total honesty is the best route to go in any relationship, but remember that the truth doesn't necessarily set you free....but truth DOES force you to make some very important decisions regarding your life so be very careful as to what you choose to do. What works for one relationship may not work for yours....so make sure you do what is best for YOU in any given situation and be prepared to live with the consequences of those actions. Only YOU know what will work for you and what will make you happy in the grand scheme of things. Getting advice from others is a good way to weigh your options but take care to weigh those options carefully to ensure it is what YOU want to do.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do....and I wish the very best for you.

Hugs,
Kate

[paddington]

Thankyou all for the replies,it means a lot.,i'm feeling very wobbly emotionally at the moment.
my husband asks for 100%honesty,he deserves it,he's a good man,but it can be very,very hard when i know that honesty he asks for causes him pain.it pains me to see his face creased with the pain my answers sometimes cause but it is also true that the truth does come out in the end,a lie to cover a lie causes more pain and distrust.
part of me feels so lucky he still wants me,but he said he feels worried he isn't enough.another part of me feels so sad but i just can't see a long term future with this woman. every time i feel she's cleared off&things settle down she pops up again and un settles me. i told her i've told my husband everything,every time i've been with her etc,she seemed shocked.then she turns that positive on it's head by saying he's weak etc for still wanting me,she tries to rubbish everything with snide comments.
my husband says he deserves the truth,he does,he's been through so much,but the truth is sometimes so terribly painful.
i needed the support,thankyou.

[csrakate]

i told her i've told my husband everything,every time i've been with her etc,she seemed shocked.then she turns that positive on it's head by saying he's weak etc for still wanting me,she tries to rubbish everything with snide comments.
The very fact that she negates his feelings says a great deal about her integrity....she has very little of it. I say push her aside and forget about her...she's trying to put a wedge in your relationship and that's far from fair to your husband.

[FalconAngel]

The very fact that she negates his feelings says a great deal about her integrity....she has very little of it. I say push her aside and forget about her...she's trying to put a wedge in your relationship and that's far from fair to your husband.

What Kate has said here is far truer than one can imagine.

You also said that the Lesbian ex is a manipulator; That in itself is a HUGE red flag. Run, do not walk, away from her. Get her away from you and completely out of your life.

Manipulators are bad news because they will convince you to do something, all the while telling you how much better off you will be when it's done, but somewhere in the end, it only benefits them and never you.

[paddington]

what you're saying makes sense. i know she's manipulative.she says what she thinks i want to hear,that changes depending on what she THINKS i want to hear at the time.

she seems to be able to get at me,touch my buttons,i don't understand how.a friend tells me i am soft and she plays on that.i feel better when i don't see her and then she pops up again trying to draw me back into it.
part of me wonders if she just wants to split me & my husband up. she was very shocked because i told her my husband knows everything-i couldn't take the risk of being blackmailed into staying with her or the risk she'd tell him things out of spite to hurt him. he said he'd rather hear it all,"warts and all" from me.so that was painful but protective too.

we had a very hard year with her last year,she was following me & my husband around,sending gifts,magazine subscriptions in the post,disguising letters/envelopes so they appeared from the outside to be about my health but they were things from her,ringing and hanging up-later telling me she wanted to hear my voice,she's told many terrible lies to people locally.
it's hard to understand how someone i thought so kind could be so evil!i miss judged her big time and that threw me-i thought i was good at getting the measure of people but she got under the radar!

but on a positive,i'm so much closer to my husband and that feels wonderful!:) he's got such a big heart. he told me he'd let me go if that's what i REALLY wanted,but he said he was worried she was bad and would hurt me,isolate me.

i haven't got family apart from my husband to talk to, i do have a good friend to talk to but don't see her a lot. being able to get support here has been a big help,thankyou,hug x

[**Peg**]

paddington, what I'm hearing in your last post is that this woman is a STALKER. And yes, of COURSE she's trying to cause difficulties between you and your husband. You must find a way to avoid this woman, destroy her letters unopened, change your phone number if necessary. Stonewall any attempts at contact,, and if necessary, notify some authorities and/or get a restraining order against her contacting you.

your last post indicated to me what an insightful aware woman you are, so I know you will find the strength to do what is right for YOU and your husband.

**Peg**

[FalconAngel]

Peg is right about her being a stalker.

Every state has anti-stalking laws and you can file for an order of restraint against her under those laws. It's a pain in the ass to have to bother with one, but it may be the only thing that's safe.

You sound like you are not the kind of person to stand up against someone like this, very well, but you must find the strength and courage to do it. Because people like her prey on people just like you. Stop being prey and become the predator.

You start by telling her to stay away from you; that you want her to leave you and your husband alone and that she is never to contact either of you, ever again, from that moment on. Then walk away from her and don't look back or let her stop you. If she tries, then keep walking. If she resstrains you, then call the Police. Make note of the day, date and time that you did this.

Then, when she comes around, you file a police report and state that she has been following you, or harassing you, or whatever she has been doing. In the Police report, state the date that you told her to stay away from you and every time that she has come around, called or harassed you after the time you told her to stay away and leave you both be.

If you have caller ID on your phone, then make sure that you save any and all calls that she makes to you and record the time/date. Don't erase them until a Police report has been filed.

You may have to call the Police a number of times, once a restraining order is issued, but make sure that the restraining order keeps her away from your husband as well. Make sure that it includes the farthest distance from you both as possible that she must stay.

If she violates an order of restraint, in any way (telephone, physical contact or confrontation of any kind), then she will go to jail (if she calls you, then save the numbers and call times/dates for the Police. And if she does it often enough, it can put her in jail for a very long time. If there is a "3 strikes" law, then that may apply if she continues to violate the restraining order.

If that happens, then it is all her own fault for not having enough self control or common sense respect your wishes, respect your relationship or to move on and obey the law.

All of that also means that you need to stay away from her, too. If you go to her, then the restraining order becomes nullified and she can do what she pleases.

Should you take the order of restraint route, which we highly recommend, then don't let her try to blame you for her troubles. Just tell her that it was her doing and if she hadn't tried to make trouble for you and your husband, then she wouldn't be in the mess in the first place.

Tell her, flat out, that she is a manipulator and a liar and that you want nothing to do with her ever again. If given the chance to say it in court, for the record, it carries even more legal weight than just the restraining order. It is ALL her fault for not walking away when you told her to.

As often as not, stalkers become dangerous, even deadly some times, and that is not something that you want to happen. So get the restraining order and be rid of her once and for all.

In some states, there are also laws protecting committed relationships. They are not criminal laws, but civil laws and they can be enforced through the courts via lawsuits. You could sue her for damages and, if you want to get an order of restraint as part of the final judgment, then you can also get an order of restraint on her, then, as well. In some cases, the judge will order one anyway.

Like we have all been saying; this person is bad news for you, your husband and your relationship with him. You are starting to see that, but doing little or nothing about it will only encourage her to continue doing what she has been doing. An order of restraint will tell her, in no uncertain terms, that you want her out of your life permanently.

No one needs a destructive personality in their life and this woman is a destructive personality and probably an abuser as well. She needs to go away from you and if it takes legal action then, in the end, it will be worth it for you, your husband and her as well.

[lovedoctor]

What Kate has said here is far truer than one can imagine.

You also said that the Lesbian ex is a manipulator; That in itself is a HUGE red flag. Run, do not walk, away from her. Get her away from you and completely out of your life.

Manipulators are bad news because they will convince you to do something, all the while telling you how much better off you will be when it's done, but somewhere in the end, it only benefits them and never you.

Falcon and Kate both shared exactly what I was feeling. Though I will add, if you love your husband yet still are interested in women (and even fantasize about them during sex) doesn't mean you are a lesbian. We all have fantasies, its a normal part of life. Many kudos to your husband because that can be a difficult thing to hear yet he seems supportive.

Run far away from this one woman though. She derives her personal power it sounds like by getting others to do as she wants not necessarily what you want or need. She is definitely bad news.

[darkrose287]

Hey,
Ive been in a similar situation, the best thing that I ever did was never speak to the ex again.
And congratulations for being completely honest, I don't know if I would have had the courage.
On the sexuality issue...there's only you that can know, but I'm with a man now, and I miss being with a woman, and i'm definitely not gay.
Hope this helps xxx

[paddington]

Hi, thanks for the replies. Lovedoctor- i understand what you're saying about the fantasy,i think it's missing the softness of her being a woman but i find my husband very sexy-i look at him and think,"i would!":bigrin:. i also find other men sexually attractive so i'm sure now i'm bi not gay/lesbian as she tries to pressure me into(some of the things she's said have me feeling so confused,it's taken time to work out how i feel). she very bluntly tells me she hates penis's-i don't.

i think being 100% honest about what had been going on has been huge in me and my husband staying together,it has been very hard because i know a lot of it has caused him pain. some of the personal questions he asked about the affair we awful but it has meant he trusts me to tell him the truth,if i hadn't told him it would have given her more power&more of a hold on me. she's been very angry that i ended it,she's used to getting her own way.

my husband continues to amaze me with his loving kindness as he struggles to deal with all of this & support me. i am in awe of him and other wives/husbands out there who are in the same boat,hug.

[darkeyes]

she very bluntly tells me she hates penis's-i don't.


How can ne 1 h8 summat wich provides us wiv so many opportunities for mirth an so many giggles

[csrakate]

my husband continues to amaze me with his loving kindness as he struggles to deal with all of this & support me. i am in awe of him and other wives/husbands out there who are in the same boat,hug.
Your husband is as he is because he does truly love YOU! And while I also applaud his understanding and support, he could not be that way without having such strong feelings for you. I know that my own situation is very much like yours in that my love for my husband allows him the ability to be honest and open about his feelings. His love for me recognizes my need for him to be honest, giving me the ability to feel secure in our relationship since I know that there is nothing he can't or won't tell me. This open and honest relationship also gives him the chance to be himself without shame or fear of reprisal.

You are a very lucky woman to have such a loving spouse and I am so very glad that you recognize that fact and that you have not allowed this other woman to sway your opinion of him or of other men, for that matter. She has made her life choices and she has no right to try and impose those choices or feelings on you. Sounds like you're getting stronger and more resolved to live your life true to YOUR feelings. Kudos to you as well as your husband and may you have many loving years together!

Hugs,
Kate

[paddington]

Hi, she still isn't going away.she was said,"i'll take whatever time you'll give me". i'm not daft,i know she means sex.i told her i have what i want with my husband,that i love him.she changes tack and then was going on about living with her again even though i said i don't want it,i've told her several times i WON'T leave my husband.

since then i've been told by someone i trust she's pulling me to bits(i knew that by the way people have given me the cold shoulder),telling people i'm in counselling(which i'm not!) BUT on the same hand she's leaving me messages telling me she loves me,trying to draw me into a sexual relationship with her. she is getting more strange as time goes on. i cannot understand how she can be running me down and think i'd want to sleep with her-she must be mad.


i've felt so on edge again with her.she told me she's driven past my house again.at times i feel like a sitting duck with her,knowing she's going to appear. i did think about confronting her again and repeating that i don't want this that i want my husband but realised there is no point,she doesn't listen. it's only by turning away,not listening,the cold shoulder that she'll leave me alone. it's a pity she couldn't meet someone else to keep her busy!

my husband knows all about it,i've told him everything.