Need feedback on bisexual boyfriend

[str8 girlfriend]

So I'm really new to this site and i just wanted to get some feedback if anyone has any to offer. A few months ago my boyfriend came out to me as bisexual and he seemed pretty okay with the situation. I am very accepting of it and I love him for who he is. I want him to be able to express that side of himself and I thought that it was something that we could definitely get through. I am not at all turned off by it. Just recently he has become very depressed, is embarassed and unaccepting of himself and has broken up with me after 4 years. We have talked and we both love each other and cannot imagine living without each other but he continues to seem so confused and distraught....I love him, care about him immensely and want to help him. Anything helps-thanks.

[trubipoly]

all you can do is continue to love and support him. if you truely love him don't let him push you out of his life easily (without being a lunatic) he has to come to grips with who he is before he can really realize his love for you too.. some people cant let love in if they dont have love for themselves . good Luck and keep that mind open Scott

[drawingboard3]

Maybe he's realizing that he's more into guys than he originally thought - to the point where your relationship had to change - the the reality of that is depressing him?
A friend of mine's fiance just suddenly left him earlier this week after 8 years of being together. He thinks she might have left him for a female coworker/friend that has had a crush on her for a long time.
Was he with other guys at all while you were together?

[DubTak]

I have been in the midst of what I can only assume is a similar dilemma to your significant other's. At around 4.5 years into my relationship with my fiancee I started going a little stir crazy. It was as if my bisexuality, which had been set on cruise control up to that point, grabbed the wheel and started swerving wildly. I have been experiencing swings in mood, sex drive levels, gender attraction, and general sanity. It is this very identity crisis that brought me to this site to begin with.

I have no real solutions for you, only what has been helping me.

First and foremost is therapy with a strong possibility of medication. Depression, situational or chemical (or both) is a very real and very debilitating mental condition that ALMOST NEVER GETS BETTER ON ITS OWN. Make sure that your boy gets some professional help.

Second, I have found that a little sexual experimentation has done wonders. Some light BDSM has helped with feelings of powerlessness and over-thinking. Bringing a guy into bed with my fiancee helped work out sexual craziness, and a lot of my feelings of unattractiveness and low self-esteem.

I am in no way all better, and I have a long hard road ahead of me, but therapy and experimentation have very much helped me. Above all, have faith, love, and support in your boy and hopefully he can work through whatever problems he is having. Get him talking and don't let him back off of tough subjects. Bisexuality involves a lot of complex and sometimes destructive emotions, and can often amplify feelings of inadequacy, unattractiveness, and low self-esteem (or at least as I've observed it). I believe this has something to do with a feeling of rejection by both genders at once, or feeling accepted by one and rejected by the other....I don't know.

Have faith.

-DubTak:bipride:

[rassilon953]

It's really upsetting to hear about your situation and I'm really sorry to hear how you're both feeling at the moment. For your part, you're going to have to be strong and keep telling yourself that things will get better. But there's no point throwing energy into a bottomless pit, so your ex has to be doing something to make himself feel better too - whether that means treatment for depression or not, I can't say.

I'd advocate encouraging him to talk to somebody non-judgmental and neutral about how he feels. He might not have told you everything, and, if so, it would be difficult for him to discuss with you whatever it is that's getting to him. If he doesn't want to speak to a qualified counsellor, see if you can get him to talk to one of his mates. You may be able to pave the way for him to talk about his feelings with a close friend or family member no matter what you've promised him in terms of keeping his sexuality confidential, but sometimes it's the unique objectivity of strangers that can supply the catalyst necessary for regeneration of spirit.

I think the point I'm trying to make - and I apologise for going around the houses to do so (you should see the stuff I deleted!) - is that being honest to you was a fantastic first step for him on the journey towards feeling self-expressed and happy. Unfortunately, unless a second step is taken, all of his courage will have gone to waste. Whilst the first step to change is *never* easy, it *is* easy to think that the first step is all it takes - that's simply not the case. Change involves progression, which means he must keep going. He probably thought that after telling you how he feels, everything would be blue skies, but - and I'm sure this is obvious to *you* - he needs to do more to burn away the clouds of doubt, grief (for the relationship you used to have together, which can never be the same again), sadness and regret.

I wasted months of my life coming out to friends, when what I should have been doing was meeting guys who felt the same way as I did. Your ex has found the determination to take a massive step forward in his life where he no longer needs to hide his truest feelings from the person who matters most to him (and I'd encourage other readers to reinforce this point as I don't have that experience, but am certain it to be true). All you can really do is encourage him to open up - and that might mean to somebody else.

I could talk about this for a very long time (I think that's already obvious) and you're welcome to message me privately if you prefer although, given the time of year, I can't guarantee an instant response, but I don't want to clutter up the board with a longer message than this already is.

This being the case, may I just say that I really feel for you both, especially you, who obviously loves the man this much to put their heart on their sleeve and ask for help. I've referred to him as your ex but other readers might think that's unnecessarily ruthless of me (?) - and I can summarise everything I've said into a short sentence: find a way to get him to talk to somebody.

Charlie

[canuckotter]

I would suggest talking to your boyfriend and trying to find out why he's suddenly so depressed. There are any number of things that it could be, and even if it seems like his sexuality is suddenly an issue, it's entirely possible that the real problem is something else entirely. Without knowing what the real problem is, there's not a lot of advice anyone can offer.

[softfruit]

There is much wisdom in this thread already but I'd add that while it might be he has other issues going on, is finding that he thinks he may be gay rather than bi now that he has started to open up on the idea, or what have you: it could also be a matter of isolation. Does he have bi friends? Not in any way dismissing the support you can give and want to give him -- but sometimes people need to talk to someone outside of the relationship about things whether for an outside perspective or just because they can feel guilty about putting stuff on their partner's shoulders.

Good luck.

[donnydarko]

well first of all ure the best gf ever to be so patience with your bi bf and second of all just continue to do what ure doin and eventually he will begin to accpet himself.