sprite
Dec 14, 2008, 11:19 AM
To all of you dealing with reactions from your significant others' regarding your bisexuality....
I have been reading alot about people dealing with reactions from their partners regarding their 'other sides' and I just thought I'd pipe in with a perspective from the partner's side (at least mine, and from what I've read, not an uncommon perspective).
My spouse and I have been married 23 years, and prior to that I knew he had relationships with men, and I had no problem with that. (He is Bisexualman on this site). The one hitch in all of this is that he is living 300 miles away due to job and training situations - there are no jobs for him where we are right now, so he's living with friends in a town 300 miles away and I'm home with the kids. We talk - all the time (Thank God/Goddess/Great Spirit for the unlimited family share plan!:) This makes this situation a thousand times more difficult, but so far, we are ok. We are the best of friends, he is my best friend, and I know that no matter what, that will always be true.
I consider myself poly - that is, I could have sex with either men or women, but I don't necessarily have the same urges for women the way he does for men. I don't have a 'need' to be with a woman, but have been and would depending on the person.
Ok so, here's the advice part:
TALK - BE HONEST - BOTH sides have to really be honest about your feelings, needs and goals. Remember that a sense of insecurity is going to be rampant. My insecurity stems not necessarily from the sex part, but for the opportunity for him to bond sexually the way we do - It's called 'intimacy' for a reason - if you just want sex, make that very clear to your partner, and be honest with yourself. If you are the 'other' partner, be really, REALLY HONEST with yourself and your bi partner about what you are feeling, what is ok, and what is not ok, and help them to understand your fears.
TALK SOME MORE - yes, it is exhausting. For my part, I know I get tired of re-hashing the same stuff and and my insecurities with him, but each time it is easier, and the anxiety levels from the sense of loss become less each time. Reassurance, reassurance, reassurance - Let them know they are and will always be your 'primary' partner (a term from the books below)...
READ - "The Ethical Slut" and "Opening Up" are both very good books that help both sides understand where each is coming from - it helps you to set ground rules for what is ok and what is not ok. It helps to start the conversation to that end.
EMPATHIZE - this is for the bi's...Put yourself in the slippers of your partner - what if the tables were turned? Do you really understand/appreciate what you are asking of your partner? How did you and your partner get together? Could that special time seem threatened to them? Are you capable of allowing them to explore as well? How would you feel if they came to you with the same requests?
ARTICULATE -This is for the partners..really really try to speak your truth..kindly..be honest with yourself...what is really bothering you about your partner being bi? Are your fears real or imagined?
TALK SOME MORE......and be careful of how you say things.....
Remember that monogamy is ingrained in us from the day we are born - it is intertwined with the idea of 'commitment' We are taught that if we are monogomous we are committed, and if we are not, we are not committed. This takes ALOT of re-thinking, and is difficult.
One of the biggest things I am grasping with is the contradiction that I know I could have sex with a woman, and know that would not threaten our relationship, but somehow I still don't 'believe' that is possible for him - don't know why, I just know that's an issue for me, and so does he. I know we have bonded through sex and I know I fear that same bonding happening with someone else. I know that the distance thing is really tough - if we were together in the same house all the time, this would be easier;
I also know that when I am in a 'good place', (that is feeling secure) the idea of a threesome or watching makes me hot! :bigrin:...and I know overall this has improved our sex life, and made us closer than I ever thought possible. :bigrin:
I hope this helps.:2cents:;):bipride:
I have been reading alot about people dealing with reactions from their partners regarding their 'other sides' and I just thought I'd pipe in with a perspective from the partner's side (at least mine, and from what I've read, not an uncommon perspective).
My spouse and I have been married 23 years, and prior to that I knew he had relationships with men, and I had no problem with that. (He is Bisexualman on this site). The one hitch in all of this is that he is living 300 miles away due to job and training situations - there are no jobs for him where we are right now, so he's living with friends in a town 300 miles away and I'm home with the kids. We talk - all the time (Thank God/Goddess/Great Spirit for the unlimited family share plan!:) This makes this situation a thousand times more difficult, but so far, we are ok. We are the best of friends, he is my best friend, and I know that no matter what, that will always be true.
I consider myself poly - that is, I could have sex with either men or women, but I don't necessarily have the same urges for women the way he does for men. I don't have a 'need' to be with a woman, but have been and would depending on the person.
Ok so, here's the advice part:
TALK - BE HONEST - BOTH sides have to really be honest about your feelings, needs and goals. Remember that a sense of insecurity is going to be rampant. My insecurity stems not necessarily from the sex part, but for the opportunity for him to bond sexually the way we do - It's called 'intimacy' for a reason - if you just want sex, make that very clear to your partner, and be honest with yourself. If you are the 'other' partner, be really, REALLY HONEST with yourself and your bi partner about what you are feeling, what is ok, and what is not ok, and help them to understand your fears.
TALK SOME MORE - yes, it is exhausting. For my part, I know I get tired of re-hashing the same stuff and and my insecurities with him, but each time it is easier, and the anxiety levels from the sense of loss become less each time. Reassurance, reassurance, reassurance - Let them know they are and will always be your 'primary' partner (a term from the books below)...
READ - "The Ethical Slut" and "Opening Up" are both very good books that help both sides understand where each is coming from - it helps you to set ground rules for what is ok and what is not ok. It helps to start the conversation to that end.
EMPATHIZE - this is for the bi's...Put yourself in the slippers of your partner - what if the tables were turned? Do you really understand/appreciate what you are asking of your partner? How did you and your partner get together? Could that special time seem threatened to them? Are you capable of allowing them to explore as well? How would you feel if they came to you with the same requests?
ARTICULATE -This is for the partners..really really try to speak your truth..kindly..be honest with yourself...what is really bothering you about your partner being bi? Are your fears real or imagined?
TALK SOME MORE......and be careful of how you say things.....
Remember that monogamy is ingrained in us from the day we are born - it is intertwined with the idea of 'commitment' We are taught that if we are monogomous we are committed, and if we are not, we are not committed. This takes ALOT of re-thinking, and is difficult.
One of the biggest things I am grasping with is the contradiction that I know I could have sex with a woman, and know that would not threaten our relationship, but somehow I still don't 'believe' that is possible for him - don't know why, I just know that's an issue for me, and so does he. I know we have bonded through sex and I know I fear that same bonding happening with someone else. I know that the distance thing is really tough - if we were together in the same house all the time, this would be easier;
I also know that when I am in a 'good place', (that is feeling secure) the idea of a threesome or watching makes me hot! :bigrin:...and I know overall this has improved our sex life, and made us closer than I ever thought possible. :bigrin:
I hope this helps.:2cents:;):bipride: