Joe's Daily Off Topic Thready Thingy

[_Joe_]

Ok, instead of my just posting a new thread every time I find something that is totally off the bisexual topic, how about I just make one thread and keep adding to it. Less mess eh ? Here we go!



So due to my crohns diet, I can't eat bacon, and I have to lay off dairy products.

Which is sadly two of my favorite foods... but even if I could eat them, I doubt I would tempt fate with this unholy creation :

Weaved Bacon Cheese Roll Thing (http://www.holytaco.com/if-i-die-bacon-related-death-id-it-be-because)

I don't know about you folks, but that hurts just to look at. However something tells me it would taste pretty far out.

[HighEnergy]

Joe honey, I am really glad you are here. You come up with the goofiest things to amuse us.

If anything has ever been described as a heart attack on a plate, this is it.

[12voltman59]

Boy---if that dish doesn't give the person who eats it an instant coronary--I don't know what would--but its not much worse than some of the burgers that some of the fast food places offer----burgers with loads of cheese, bacon, slathered in mayo and loads of butter on the buns--things of that natrue!!!

Just looking at that dish though--everyone's cholesterol level shot up to about 300!!

[FalconAngel]

Does this mean that I have to post my ubberburger recipe?

[Bluebiyou]

Reminds me of South Park.
The year/set where between episodes, Trey and Matt kept cooking bacon-bacon-bacon dishes.
It's been a while, but I think they ended on a high note by feeding a pet pig... you guessed it... bacon.
What seeing that - did for my former love of bacon... :(

[Bluebiyou]

BTW (by the way) Joe,
It seems you have a full fledged internet addiction.
Seek out 12 step internet addiction help groups.

:)

[_Joe_]

I am a busy man, and aint got time for no 12 steps. Narrow it down to 3 steps and then we can talk about it.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

OMg that looks sooo good, but I'd be in pain within an hour, and I dont even have Chrones....lol:eek:
Drool, drool...
Cat

[FerSureMaybe]

Ack! Ninja squirells!

[Doggie_Wood]

GAWD!! That looks soooooo good, but the jalapenos and tater-totts mixed inare missing. But I would use Turkey Bacon to slow down the coronary effect.

:doggie:

[_Joe_]

When the Truth isn't actually the right answer (http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/fail-owned-eharmony-online-dating-fail.jpg)

[onewhocares]

Well as a caterer I think that I am going to "borrow" this idea and add it to my breakfast/brunch menue. After reading the comments on the orginional site I am going to cut the roll into pinwheels and serve as a side to an egg bake that I serve. Also Dogwoods idea of stuffing it would be good. Last night we had a party and had lots of mashed potatoes left over (that Used Bear made oh so well) and I added scallions, cheese, egg and rolled them in panko breadcrumbs and fried...yummy. You could stuff the bacon weave with that same filling and then bake it.

Death on a plate.....perhaps. But you only live once. As Emeril says...Pork Fat Rules!

Belle

[_Joe_]

So story is this guy got on an auction block and got a piece of land for $1.

So what does he do with it?

http://consumerist.com/5110675/jones-bigass-truck-rental--storage

Make the best damn commercial and business proposal ever.

[DiamondDog]

Reminds me of South Park.
The year/set where between episodes, Trey and Matt kept cooking bacon-bacon-bacon dishes.
It's been a while, but I think they ended on a high note by feeding a pet pig... you guessed it... bacon.
What seeing that - did for my former love of bacon... :(

Did the Cannibalism freak you out or something?

[_Joe_]

Something else I just don't have words for...

Artifical Virginity (http://www.gigimo.com/main/product/Artificial,Virginity,Hymen,2299.php?prod=2299)

The part that really summs up the oddity it this :


* Made in Japan


This item will be shipped from China

[wikskul]

all i can say to that is wow.... umm wow....LMFAO:rolleyes:

[_Joe_]

Hey Boo Boo, let's go get some boooze boooze! (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/3580626.stm)

[Realist]

Joe, it appears that you have WAY too much extra time on your hands.......any thoughts about maybe getting a second job!

[_Joe_]

Blueberry the $73 Prostitute (http://www.break.com/usercontent/2008/12/Blueberry-The-73-Prostitute-638814.html)

I love the line, "NO! You can't stick your vagina in my backdoor!"

[TaylorMade]

Something else I just don't have words for...

Artifical Virginity (http://www.gigimo.com/main/product/Artificial,Virginity,Hymen,2299.php?prod=2299)

The part that really summs up the oddity it this :


First time I've had a laugh on this site for MONTHS.

Keep up the finding weird shit, Joe.

*Taylor*

[Shhhhh 47/F/usa]

Stuff some bacon inside along with the cheese and it's perfect. It is my personal opinion that God played a cruel joke on us by making bacon taste so heavenly while, at the same time, making it so wicked for our bodies. Bacon is one of the 4 major food groups on my dietary pryamid.

[_Joe_]

Here's a Tattoo that will turn heads.

http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/?p=1846

[_Joe_]

A blow up doll serial rapist is loose in Australia !

inky Linky (http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSTRE5063T920090107?feedType=RSS&feedName=oddlyEnoughNews)



SYDNEY (Reuters) - An Australian man broke into three adult shops, had sex with blow up dolls named "Jungle Jane" and then dumped his plastic conquests in a nearby alley, local media reported Wednesday.

"It's totally bizarre. It's a real concern that someone like that is out on the street," said one of the owners of the adult sex shops in Cairns in northern Queensland state.

"He has been taking the dolls out the back and blowing them up and using the dolls and leaving them in the alley," the owner, who gave the name of Vogue, told the Cairns Post newspaper.

Police told the Cairns Post that scientific officers had taken DNA samples, fingerprints and pictures of the crime scene.

[_Joe_]

Cookbook that fits for this forum.

http://www.lulu.com/content/4956212

[alegrias]

Cookbook that fits for this forum.

http://www.lulu.com/content/4956212

Mmmmm. Semen-based recipes. LMAO. What will they think of next?

Joe, how do you find this stuff?

[elian]

Mmmmm. Semen-based recipes. LMAO. What will they think of next?

Joe, how do you find this stuff?

..just please tell me that they don't have a recipe for iced smiley face cookies..

[_Joe_]

You never had a bad day at work like this guy : CLICK! (http://www.champions365.com/blog/view/id/332)

[matterinhand]

You want bacon?

http://www.davidlebovitz.com/archives/2008/03/candied_bacon_i_1.html

http://www.browniepointsblog.com/2008/01/20/homemade-bacon-vodka/

[_Joe_]

Extreme Peanut Butter Jelly Time

http://www.break.com/usercontent/2009/1/Extreme-Peanut-Butter-and-Jelly-Sandwich-Making-656449.html

[12voltman59]

My God----has anyone seen a show they have on The Travel Channel---called "Man vs. Food"? where the host of the show travels to different towns and finds some "good" food that looks like it might taste good---but has to be a cardiologists worst nightmare---he of course eats all of those things--then to finish the show---he always goes to one place that has some WWWWAYYY over the top food item that he tried to eat--like a 12 pound hamburger or something equally freakin' crazy!!

http://www.travelchannel.com/TV_Shows/Man_v_Food


That boy is headin' fast to an early coronary!!!

[Mr. Magick]

My God----has anyone seen a show they have on The Travel Channel---called "Man vs. Food"? where the host of the show travels to different towns and finds some "good" food that looks like it might taste good---but has to be a cardiologists worst nightmare---he of course eats all of those things--then to finish the show---he always goes to one place that has some WWWWAYYY over the top food item that he tried to eat--like a 12 pound hamburger or something equally freakin' crazy!!

http://www.travelchannel.com/TV_Shows/Man_v_Food


That boy is headin' fast to an early coronary!!!

LOL that's what I'm watching now:)

[_Joe_]

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack.

This is Fast Food (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bL17g5w3tfo)

[gfofbiguy]

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack.

This is Fast Food (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bL17g5w3tfo)

DAYYYYY-UM, that food is STILL F*&$ING MOVING!!!!!!!!!!:eek::eek::eek:

And the fish......that's just cruel

[_Joe_]

Just think, you can just rest it in your mouth and it helps chew itself!

[gfofbiguy]

LOL, good point!

I'm watching Blueberry right now, LMFAO!!!

[_Joe_]

This is the BEST picture of the moon you shall ever see folks.

http://flickr.com/photos/different2une/3270550160/

[Shhhhh 47/F/usa]

So story is this guy got on an auction block and got a piece of land for $1.

So what does he do with it?

http://consumerist.com/5110675/jones-bigass-truck-rental--storage

Make the best damn commercial and business proposal ever.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Bigass Jones is a damn genius!! I love it!

[_Joe_]

The Gloryhole (http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1777353)

[_Joe_]

The Meat Bikini!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZQCDChiXrQ

[alegrias]

The Meat Bikini!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZQCDChiXrQ

That's just disgusting! LOL. You have too much free time, Joe.

[_Joe_]

You're not the first one to accuse me of that, yet nobody wants to try and keep me busy :P

[Shhhhh 47/F/usa]

Ok, sure.....a meat bikini. Why didn't I think of that sooner? I'm sure to snag me a man with one of those!


Aren't I?:eek2:

[_Joe_]

I always believed if they invented perfume that smells of BBQ Sauce you couldn't find a stick big enough to beat the men off you.

But you of course will have lots of sticks to beat off.

ZING!

[Shhhhh 47/F/usa]

I always believed if they invented perfume that smells of BBQ Sauce you couldn't find a stick big enough to beat the men off you.

But you of course will have lots of sticks to beat off.

ZING!

Now that's a problem I'd like to have!

[_Joe_]

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1901172

ROOFLEcakes.

[csrakate]

LOL Joe!! Where DO you find all of this stuff???

[_Joe_]

I have my sources...

... and if I told you my secrets, then my usefullness goes down tenfold!

[**Peg**]

this looks like fun

http://www.gaysextoybox.com/anal-ring-toss_789.html

:eek:


I know, I know, I'm goin to hell LOL

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Ya know..I love you peoples ta death, but you scare me sometimes...lol
Silly Cat

[12voltman59]

this looks like fun

http://www.gaysextoybox.com/anal-ring-toss_789.html

:eek:


I know, I know, I'm goin to hell LOL

How do you guys find all these things??? I can sure say---I have lived a more sheltered life than I thought I had!!!!!:bigrin::bigrin::bigrin:

[csrakate]

LOL Peg!!!! Nothing like a little ring toss to liven things up a bit!!!

[_Joe_]

http://www.dailymotion.com/user/reklambuzi/video/x7abnw_beateuhsetv_shortfilms


XD

[Shhhhh 47/F/usa]

I love you Joe. You make me smile so much. Wish I could give you a great big smooch!!:love87:




`

[_Joe_]

Sexual Harrasment VIdeo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Hi7VKjkoik)

[_Joe_]

This is totally awesome.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDiR7UxI8Ow

[_Joe_]

ITS THE RAINBOW CONSPIRACY!!!111eleven


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_c6HsiixFS8&feature=channel_page

[rissababynta]

Please tell me this lady is joking lmao

My sons poop was alien green once, and I automatically thought that there was some kind of fecal conspiracy going on, but then I just realized it was because of Kool-Aid. But THIS...no no my friends...this rainbow has GOT to be the REAL conspiracy...

[_Joe_]

This 18 year old is my personal Hero this week.

My Hero (http://news.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/hi/newsbeat/newsid_7961000/7961224.stm)

[rissababynta]

This 18 year old is my personal Hero this week.

My Hero (http://news.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/hi/newsbeat/newsid_7961000/7961224.stm)

LMFAO

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Gawd Joe, that thing Still looks like a heart attack waiting to happen. lol
Hugs
Cat

[_Joe_]

Sheep aren't just for having sex with anymore :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?gl=GB&v=D2FX9rviEhw

[rissababynta]

Sheep aren't just for having sex with anymore :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?gl=GB&v=D2FX9rviEhw

That was hilarious! I hope to GOD that was all real cause that was great!
If it wasn't for the fact that it was an ad for samsun, I wouldn't even question it right now lmao.

[Shhhhh 47/F/usa]

If that was for real it's the most amazing thing I've seen in a long time!! The way those dog's and men worked together and the artistic vision of the whole thing just blows my mind!!!!! That's a keeper for me Joe. Thank you!

[_Joe_]

Oldie, but a goodie!


http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/papasmurf

[rissababynta]

I remember the first time I ever saw this, as soon as they showed Bill Cosby, I was dying!

[_Joe_]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nr_bizbxTiU

[csrakate]

LOL Joe!!! That was hilarious!

[_Joe_]

http://www.cracked.com/article_17098_6-strangest-objects-people-were-caught-having-sex-with.html


link says it all.

[_Joe_]

How to end the argument hands down

http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?Friend_bites_mans_penis_off_in_row&in_article_id=613133&in_page_id=2

[rissababynta]

How to end the argument hands down

http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?Friend_bites_mans_penis_off_in_row&in_article_id=613133&in_page_id=2

Yeeeeaaahhhhh....I don't have one but I still cringed and crossed my legs after this article...

[**Peg**]

posting this for Joe who is presently incapacitated <grin>

there's a :eek: in my greenbeans?

http://www.kltv.com/global/story.asp?s=10758038

[_Joe_]

Who loves to style their hair ?


http://www.holytaco.com/fun-hair-gallery

[_Joe_]

You dont know cute till you seen Turtles having sex

http://www.break.com/index/the-north-american-humping-tortoise.html

[Realist]

If I was da judge, the helicopter would win!

[_Joe_]

STOP!

Its HAMMER TIME!

A DRUNK Romanian thought he'd hit on a good idea to solve his toilet troubles — sticking TWO HAMMERS up his bum.
These incredible x-rays show how Viorel Firoiu attempted to nail his severe constipation with the help of his handy tools.

The intoxicated 48-year-old turned up at his local hospital complaining of excruciating stomach pain

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2549237/Drunk-man-got-two-hammered.html?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News


As a Chrones sufferer whos always having to deal with issues "down there" Im disappointed that the article didnt tell me if the guy's objectives were met or not.

[_Joe_]

I Think I'll Drive The Kids Up To The State Park To See This 'Glory Hole'

I try to be a good dad, but even so, I've been noticing this family drifting apart. We don't talk as much at the dinner table. We don't spend Sunday nights playing Clue as often as we used to. Our set of matching fishing poles is just collecting dust in the closet. I think this family needs to take a nice day trip. I know Bryan wants to go to the aviation museum, and Hilary loves the petting zoo in Greenwood, but I've got a better idea. I keep hearing about this "Glory Hole" up at the state park, and it sounds like just the thing.

I was going to clean out the garage this weekend, but the chance to commune with nature, standing in front of a Glory Hole, sounds far more alluring.

Before you know it, the kids will be going off to college. I want them to see some amazing sights while they're still young. Some parents don't care about providing their children with an education, but it's important to me. A trip to see this Glory Hole might be even more enlightening than our recent trip to Ruby Ridge and the Porcupine Mountains.

Before we leave, I'll do some research on the Internet, to get some details. I'll find out if we should bring any supplies, like flashlights or rope. I wonder if we need to pack a lunch. I'd hate to get all the way to the Glory Hole and find out that there's nothing to munch on for miles. We can bring some protein bars either way.

How did I hear about the Glory Hole? Well, when I took Skipper to get his nails clipped, I overheard one of the groomers talking about it to Don, who had his poodle in for a shampoo. The groomer said the Glory Hole was "mind-blowing," and Don said he was definitely going to check it out. When I asked them about it, they clammed up. They always seem to be clued-in to the newest restaurants and art museums, so I'll bet they wanted to keep the Glory Hole a secret. Well, for once, the McTaggerts are in the know!

This Glory Hole must be really something, if people are so reluctant to talk about it. I remember being the same way when I found that great sub shop on Oberlin Avenue. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that this Glory Hole is something I won't be able to keep to myself. Hold on to your seats for some great vacation photos!

A few guys at the gym had great things to say about the Glory Hole, but as soon as I told them I was taking my wife and kids, they didn't want to talk about it anymore. I had to wheedle the guy who works at the gas station to get him to draw me a map. He told me that there aren't any highway signs leading to the Glory Hole, and said I should head straight to the park's rest station. If I keep my ears open, he said, I'll find the right spot.

When I told the gas-station attendant that it would be my first time over on that side of the park, he warned me to be careful. He said things can get a little rough. Well, I told him that I love getting out there with the wild animals. I don't know anything about the Glory Hole, but I think it's thrilling to be out there in the dense underbrush, not knowing what's around the next bend. I'm ready and willing to explore.

Yep, I can't wait to hit Highway 87 with a cooler full of ice-cold Capri Sun. It's only a two-hour drive. The kids and I can have some fun in the car, singing songs and playing games, while my wife takes a nap to rest up for all the activity at the park. Then we can all pile out and blow off a little steam.

When the kids get home from school, I'll tell them to put on their old clothes, so they don't have to worry about getting dirty. After all is said and done, I bet they'll be talking about our trip to the Glory Hole for years to come


http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33792

[TwylaTwobits]

ummmmmm roflmao

[**Peg**]

old vid of Joe's wedding:

http://tinyurl.com/lh8wad

[Shhhhh 47/F/usa]

old vid of Joe's wedding:

http://tinyurl.com/lh8wad

That was fantastic!!! They must have rehearsed for hours. Thanks for posting that Peg.

[artsy girl]

Joe.. i love the sexual herassment in the workplace.. that was really funny.

I sent some of the links to friends at work.. it's a good laugh in the middle of the day.

Your awesome joe!

married artsy girl

[diB4u]

LOL Jowe im liking the thread keep it up lol.

Cheese ewwwwwwwwwwwww

interesting articles. LOL thanks for reminding me why i dont read the papers especially the sun lol

[**Peg**]

ok.... this WOULD explain why the passenger's head was (probably) between the drivers legs yup.....:bigrin:


Driver blames crash on snakes in his pants
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

HARTFORD, Connecticut - Police say a driver blamed a car crash Connecticut on two pet baby snakes that he said escaped from his pants pockets as he was driving.

Hartford police Sgt. Christene Mertes says Angel Rolon claimed he lost control of his sports utility vehicle on Monday when the snakes slithered near the gas and brake pedals and he and a passenger tried to catch them. The vehicle veered into some parked cars and overturned.

Mertes says animal control officers never found the snakes and police have been unable to confirm his story.

Rolon was treated at a hospital for unknown injuries. Police say they gave him a summons for reckless driving and other charges.

There is no public telephone listing for Rolon and it was unclear if he has a lawyer.

[M. Wolfe]

Contributing.

Which term is worse? 'Corpse', 'Dead body' or 'Cadaver'
What if it were prefixed by 'pickled'?

http://www.tonyrogers.com/humor/corpse_in_rum.htm

[_Joe_]

If you know what a Lemon party is. Im sorry.

but if you do, this makes more sense http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/4c586a96e1/new-lemon-party-commercial-from-johnnyswinaha

[_Joe_]

http://www.tmz.com/2009/08/04/the-giant-pink-bunny-in-the-room/


That is so bizzare.
I wanna go see it!

[_Joe_]

Have I ever shared this gem with you guys from Adam Sandler ? (http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=32641377)

[Shhhhh 47/F/usa]

ROFL!! What an interesting toe tapper. Made me want to dance. Thanks Joe.

[roy m cox]

"omg" joe your so funny thx .

i am so enjoying this site so many nice and sweet people hear "hugs" you all

:cutelaugh :paw: :bipride: :bipride: :three:

[_Joe_]

I wanna fuck you gently (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8731346757105454561&ei=Pi1-SrrZHYf6lQfSmaSbAg&hl=en)

[12voltman59]

That is some funny stuff man!!!!

[_Joe_]

Random Thoughts of the Day: These are hilarious!

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that’s is when I realized, yup, that’s a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

[_Joe_]

The Gentlemans Duel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXET1kvEOAY

[littlerayofsunshine]

The Gentlemans Duel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXET1kvEOAY

I freakin loved it. That was awesome.. Thanks! Ummm. Jeeves... Cum here *giggles*

[_Joe_]

I think its sad I know a woman who loves getting wine enemas and this didn't shock me as much as it may shock you


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBhrpBNuB1o&feature=player_embedded

[**Peg**]

thought of you right away :bigrin:

[_Joe_]

thought of you right away :bigrin:

Pft, if there's one thing I've learned with dogs all my life is a butt-race solved many problems.

[roy m cox]

:bigrin: gods joe your so funny :bigrin:


:bipride::bipride::bipride::bipride::bipride:

[roy m cox]

:( awwwww bring back the Happy Dancing Guy PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZ:(

:eek2::eek2::eek2::yikes2::yikes2::yikes2::yikes2:

[M. Wolfe]

This is very cool. Imagine having your mind divided in 2...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9Glq9SVSxQ

[_Joe_]

http://www.crazyjoe.us/stuff/angrycock.jpg

[M. Wolfe]

Incredible robot hand shows of amazing speed and dexterity! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KxjVlaLBmk)



.

[Doggiestyle]

:bigrin: Hey Joe I like your new "Joe cool" guy, with the shades on :cool: Just don't ever get him pissed off at ya.

Your friend, :doggie: .........:bipride:

[_Joe_]

Legend of Neil (http://www.atom.com/funny_videos/legend_of_neil_203/)

[_Joe_]

THere's a reason some folks stay single

http://melodymaker.posterous.com/the-reason-some-girls-stay-single-very-funny

[_Joe_]

Bacon Flavored Sex Lube (http://www.everyview.com/2009/08/29/baconlube-announced/)

[artsy girl]

Joe.. on that one link you posted of the vodka tampons.. theres this great you tube for man tampons..

i was thinking of you man...:bigrin:

married artsy girl

[artsy girl]

i wanted to post that commercial for you.. but i can't figure out how to post links...ahhh sometimes i hate computers.

And that pic of the dog.. it's driving me crazy.. there's nothing worse than close ups of parts i don't want to see.

artsy

[**Peg**]

http://upchucky.com/flash-new-sport.html

[_Joe_]

http://www.crazyjoe.us/stuff/facebook-funny.jpg

[_Joe_]

http://www.getonmyhorse.com/

[**Peg**]

*nudge*

This one is too good to not post.....

(About the writer... Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. This is from his colonoscopy journal):

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough...

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of colonoscopies...colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

And the best one of all:

12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'