Confused

[Queue]

so I've dated girls my whole life. had a few encounters with the same as one night stand type things. always considered myself bi but mostly straight. until i met this guy. he's older than me. fell for me. i fell for him. love sex. the whole thing. broke up with my girlfriend to be with him. ever since then it's been rocky. we're different planets. we're fine as long as we're not talking or not talking aobut us. but relationship talk is like the epitome of self mutilation i think. i feel like dying, or vomiting, or both almost any fight we're trying to work through. lately i find if i just stop talking and replying that he may or may not shut up and just let me leave. I dunno. I think we're not right for eachother. But then we make up and it's "i love you." "i love you" again. I keep thinking my ex-girlfriend never made me this miserable. I should try and get back together with her, but then I realize that she and I had our own problems. Different problems, but problems. this guy really loves me, it's just our communication that sucks so much. But then it's other things too. Every couple fights. It takes effort. But then if I break up with him, maybe I could start seeing girls again. Meet a nice girl, get married, have kids. Live the life I always dreamed. But now I wonder if I'm more gay than straight. I think about rubbing penises with my boyfriend and I feel excited still. I think about trying to put my penis in a lady's vagina and it seems strange and scary. I used to enjoy straight sex, was I fooling myself the whole time? I'm trying to watch straight porn and it's not as exciting than watching two men go at it. *frustrated* So maybe what I need is not a girl to have my dreams, but a different guy?? There's this girl at work who is kinda bi who I have a crush on. She has two kids and is divorced. I kinda think at least with her, we already get along and she understands where I'm coming from with the sexual confusion, we wouldn't be scared if I got with a guy while with her or she got with a girl while with her. She'd understand if I was a little cautious in the bedroom at first. She says she still likes men, but I wonder if she really just likes girls. I don't even know if she would go out with me if I asked her out on a date. I've really believed for a long time, that I wouldn't wish bi on anybody. Because it gives you all the problems of a regular couple. And then on top of that all these added problems of being a bisexual person. I don't know if I'm with the right guy right orienation, wrong guy but right orientation, or wrong guy wrong orientation. I think if the perfect girl fell from the sky and was sitting in my cubicle I would jump on the chance to ask her out and propose on the spot. If the perfect guy fell from the heavens and was sitting in my cubicle I don't know that I would know what to do besides want to have sex with him. I'm able to have love for men obviously, but i think I don't want to see myself being in love with a guy. I want to see myself being in love with a girl only. I want to be normal. I want to have kids. I want to be able to go home to my parent's house and bring my lovely wife with me for thanksgiving. I don't want to force a boyfriend on my parents even if the fucker is good in bed. He's still some gay fucking freak who likes boys and why does he like me anyway and why do I like him? why are we kissing? why does it not bother me? why does it feel good? argghh... i hate my stupid same sex impulses. if i could just remove the penis. castrate myself. lose all interest in sex. control this overwhelming turmoil and chaos to see and feel another naked man. then maybe i could honestly and sincerely let myself find a nice lovely girl who makes me smile and satisfies me in bed and makes me feel masculine and like myself. maybe i could just honestly and sincerely decide that it's okay to like men i want to like men i do like men Sal makes me horny and i want to cum on him and that's just who I am and kids are not me and wives are not for me. i dunno. i'm just frustrated. If I lean gay then I just want to only feel attracted to boys then. if I'm really supposed to be straight then let it only be girls. i don't want to be bi. I liked Amy she and i were pretty good in the bedroom. why did i have to meet Sal? Why couldn't she and I have just worked out. i don't want to feel this way. I don't want to be torn in two anymore.*sigh*

[FalconAngel]

You want to break this down into easily digestible paragraphs?

It would be a lot easier to read through.

[Bluebiyou]

Sounds like a young person in the traumatic throws of self discovery.
Keep it together, Queue.
Life not only goes on... it gets much better! :)

[trubipoly]

sounds to me Like you may have thought you were bisexual at one point but now your passion and emotions are more directed at men and you think that if you were with a woman things would just be easy, fact is that you would never be happy if you do things because they are just easier. you have to follow your mind,heart and find someone in your life that will make you happy, but remeber all Relationships take work and communication. you two seem to try the work part but your communcation is not working at all. either learn to communicate or it will never work. good Luck

[jem_is_bi]

I experienced much of your confusion over sexuality when I was younger. It became very easy to solve after the biological drive to have children was no longer an issue. Now I am very comfortable with myself as mostly gay, which of course, I always have been. From your description of you, you will always be bisexual and probably more toward the gay side for what satisfies you. As you have discovered, some relationships work out and others don't, independent of gender and sexual orientation. That is completely normal for everyone. I recommend that you not allow society and family goals for you to over-rule what you know you really need sexually and emotionally.
What path will most likely lead to harmony between your sexual desires and your emotional satisfaction 20 years from now? It is very likely you will always be bisexual and very unlikely you will become heterosexual. I hope you can shed your doubts about yourself sooner rather than later. You will have much more fun if you do.

[DiamondDog]

Queue-Only you know who you are and what if any, or even multiple sexual orientation categories you fall into.

You may find out that you fall into one or even more that one, or none of the sexual orientation categories that we use to define ourselves.

Our society has some fucked up viewpoints on sexuality and it's best to figure out things for yourself, instead of letting other people box you into their categories/labels.

[Queue]

I can see us working out. I even asked him to marry me while we were in California visiting his sister and it was still legal. If we were married then at least I would have some commitment to stay with him and work it out, but he didn't want to get married. I've tried to beg him to move in with me and now finally over a year later there is some vague timetable of "after the beginning of next year". I do everything I can to be in his life, a part of it, a helping active member. But I feel like he on the other hand, just kind of takes over everything. I have very little of what is just mine. I want him to do things with me that are mine. He doesn't or he can't or he won't. I know I like japanese anime, reading literature, hanging out in coffee shops, playing soccer, going to concerts, going to art museums. I don't want to always be doing those things with a friend because he doesn't want to go/do them with me. I'm not going to ever be fully happy with a person I can't share all of my life with. We have a hard enough time trying to communicate. Add into that how much time he spends working at his career. How often I feel ignored because he's taking care of a problem for one of the board members. Just gets to be too much sometimes. My ex-girlfriend seemed to suffer from having so little personality that i felt alone even when I was with her. Him on the other-hand I feel like has so much personality that I don't even exist when I'm with him. *sigh*

And if I do still like girls, then I feel like, 'why am I wasting time with a guy who doesn't make me fully happy?? I could be with a girl who doesn't make me fully happy and at least have a "normal" relationship and have kids and the dog and the white picket fence.' But I have such a hard time breaking up with him or tearing myself away from him i don't know.

There's this spark running between us, and if I ever could find a way just to put it out i think that I could go back to seeing and thinking clearly again. Instead it keeps sucking me back in, dragging me back, i see him and I'm furious at him, but i act like it never happened and suddenly he's holding me and I feel that little thing welling up in me where reason loses to love or sex or whatever it is that takes over.

And at that moment I think something to myself like "This is how it was when Bush won another four more years, you knew it was going to be another bad four years -- you couldn't believe anyone would vote for him again, and yet they did anyway." That's how i feel when I'm like that. Like I'm almost saying to my future upset self, "I know you're going to be upset again in the near future, but I can't stop or fight this right now. This feeling is too strong to say no to. So I'm sorry you're upset future self, but I'm horny and vulnerable and needy and his lips are so soft when he kisses me and when he says 'I love you' and looks into my eyes with his big chocolate brown eyes I believe him and can't say no" *sigh*

There has to be someone out there for me who is easier and better and more thoughtful and kind and considerate and caring and more of what i want not less of what i want. I know I could find a person who is so much more of the things I want, and still loves me too! Fish in the sea -- it's like a whole god damned Pike's place fish market -- Jesus cast your nets on the other side of the boat -- sea out there. I can and would obviously find someone else if it weren't him.

But it's like I like him because he's less and not more. Or I like him because he's not what I want. The passion is there BECAUSE we're horrible for eachother. i don't know. >.< Opposites attract, but similars carry on better peaceful and happier relationships.

I've tried applying for jobs in a different state just so I'd have to / be forced to try something different, but so far have been unlucky in that regard.

So in the mean time, try and make this work? Give it a 100% and hope it works out, hope we learn to get along better, hope we surrogate or adopt some kids, hope that eventually I have the courage to tell my unsuspecting parents that their straight son suddenly went crooked and got bent on another man's penis? argghh.. >.<

That road just seems so long and difficult for a guy that I'm not even entirely sold on? oi ve.

The heart is decietful above all things. That's all i have to say.

I don't know where Plato is, but he's rolling over in his grave at how quickly I toss away reason for this guy. How quickly i ignore and forget everything and everybody else in my life for this guy just to be with him so I can be frustrated and mad and upset and with him. To kiss and hold and be naked with him. To be at football games and fraternity events and mother-in-law things just to be with him. Why am I so sold on him?? I don't get it. It's not right but I can't stop. i can't stop this drug I'm on. And maybe the problem is that I'm fighting it? Maybe I just need to give in and be a 100% and not be a foot in the bedroom and another foot out the door. But it's just so confusing for me. *big sigh*

I was a prince I was supposed to fall in love with a princess, get married, live happily ever after. Instead i fell in love with the chubby guy at the tavern and am living pseudoly in the court and in the woods in the meantime. ug.

If God or my heart or circumstance or fate or something could fix this or make this right for me...

If I could just know: "This is the person for you." Then I would know, "Okay we may not have a lot to work with, but here goes! *roll up sleeves* Let's make this work!"

Instead I'm more along the lines of "Well what if this wasn't the person you were supposed to be with. How would you know? What would you do differently? Was it worth giving up a family to be with this man? What if there was this really hot sexy girl right around the corner who loved books and anim and soccer and was a fucking smokin sex kitten and all you ever did was have sex all day and cook and clean and do laundry and live life together?? How great would that be?? Are you sure you're ready to let that dream slip away because this guy in front of you is saying he loves you right now???? I mean he may really mean it. But what's right for you?? Is all the frustration and all the drama really worth it for this guy who makes you feel so little and small and like shit sometimes? So angry and frustrated you could just scream sometimes? Is it really worth it to give up all that you want just for him? "

wow.
no.
no it's not.

So then why are you still with him?? I don't know. Because I can't stop. Because I like him still. And I haven't met this fuckin smokin hot girl yet. I don't want to give her up, but I have this guy here now who loves me who turns me on. I don't know if I can put him away right now because of some dream girl that doesn't exist. I mean she may exist. She may be living in Trenton New Jersey or Bismarck North Dakota or Sequim Washington of all places, but she's certainly not here now. So what am I supposed to do here now??

And that I don't know.
And that is what drives me crazy.
And I don't know how to deal with it. Give up on him now for someone I don't know yet? or hold onto him and make it work even if I'm half hearted? or do I just say fuck it, go all in and really try and make it work with him. And forget that girl whoever she is, because she never called or texted or wrote or tried to get into my life, no she was off fucking around in Ann Arbor Michigan so who the fuck cares that I meet her at 60 years old on some cruise with my man of 35 years then, because she's too late, I already made up my mind and chose to live my life with someone else and fuck her for not showing up sooner or doing anything at all to make my life easier and I won't love her and I don't. I love my frustrating chubby boy friend and he's who I want to be with. And my parents and our adopted kids and all our friends are okay with that.

I mean that sounds like a legitimate happy ending. Even if the characters and plot elements went a bit different than I expected. I mean I found love, which is what I wanted, I got my family, which is what i wanted, and my parents are still talking to me and even accept him for me, which is what i wanted. so then who needs that girl any way???? is that how it all ends?? yeah fuck if I know. lol. Guess that's why it's life. wooo...

*sorry for venting*

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Only you can make that decision, Darlin....to be happy with him as things are, or leave him and begin again.

Cat