Relationship with your Parents

[Toad82]

I was just wondering if anyone else has a parent that drives them nuts? My mother is so jealous about the people in my life I care about that she can’t go longer than a few hours without putting them down. Does anyone else have parents like this or were like this at one time?

[Bluebiyou]

Worse,
I've had nothing to do with my mother for... well over a decade. I regret not making that a decade earlier.
Cut your loses (none) and divorce yourself completely.
And for God's sake, remove and tear up that tape in your head that says "you HAVE to love your mother".
Destructive people, Satan, get thee behind me!
:)
Once you let your relationship with... any family member stand on it's own, you are moving forward.
Once you are 18, your mother has as much 'right' of interferring with your life as your father has the 'right' of having sex with you; which is none.
You were NOT born to be an owned object of his sexuality.
You were NOT born to be an owned object of her pathology.
Many parents are cool and fine. Many are sick.
You choose your involvement.
Good luck.

[jennessex]

My mom is the guilt trip queen... She drove both my brother and myself away from her. My brother was the strongest one to just walk completely away from her, I myself, well... I still talk to her.

She is now on meds for depression and God believe you me... you can tell a differnce if she weren't!!!!

You need to love your parent, but sometimes a good distance between you and your parent is best. Example... my mom lives in Oklahoma... I live in Michigan. Too far away for just a drop by visit, but when she is here to visit, trust me, you would be happy you cant walk them to the terminal and wait for the plane to take off anymore!!!

good luck!!!

Jennessex

[Falke]

My relationship with my parents is quite good.


Now, my grandparents are another story... :tong:

[_Joe_]

I see your parents.

And I raise you my life.

I just turned 34 recently. And I see my parents at least 5 days a week, 6 days a week every other week, and sadly... sometimes all days of the week.

I'm third generation of a family business, and work with my mother and father and brother ...and up till several years ago my grandmother.

I like to believe I'm bald not because of male pattern baldness, but due to working with them and losing my freaking mind.

None of them of course know of my sexuality, the parents are southern baptist folks, which means I would be disowned if I didn't kill them with a heart attack first. I put up with their discussions of their beliefs of everything from politics, racism, religion, etc at work. AT FREAKING WORK. There is no real line between Family Life, and Work Life. I detest it at times, and when it should be family time I will not speak of business, which pisses them off. Moreso when I have my kids around and Ihave to remind them to shut the fuck up about business, and be grandparents. They simply can't do it.

My mother in law who lives four hours away has a much better relationship with my kids than my own parents do. and they live 20 minutes away. I took a weekend vacation to the coast with my kids, and they came along. I need a vacation now from them to calm down so I can go back to work, but no, wait they are there to.

If you havne't noticed yet, I am stressed up with dealing with them and venting, so thanks :D

But you know, the stress of working with a parent is nothing to deal with the stress of dealing with a brother who has pretty much in his special way disowned you and you have zero family relationship with, it's strictly business.

* sigh *

Damnit. this whole topic has strick the vent nerve with me. I gotta shut up.

[Toad82]

RANT


It is to the point any more that I wish my mother would either die or just leave me the hell alone. I don’t talk about my life with her so she makes shit up. She spent yesterday telling me I have friends while bitching about me paying for things when I take them out. Today she bitches that I buy people and pretend they are friends and no one likes me.

For a few years I had two jobs. One was my regular night job and the other was a job with a nondisclosure agreement and a moral contract. For about ten years I had helped my mother out with money. I was well off for my age and didn’t need it. Then I got hurt at my regular job and sued them. I won, but lost my job in the process. I figured I needed to save money so I told my mother I wasn’t going to give her any more money. She then started to tell our family and then my employers (at one time she worked with them as well) where I had the moral contract that I was stealing from her. I lost my second job which put me down to zero income and most of my family stopped talking to me for 8 months. To this day she still tells me if I would have just kept giving her money she wouldn’t have turned me in. I deserved it for being “greedy” as she sees it. She sees me not helping her out as stealing from her and still complains that I hog “our” (my) money.

In the past she told me if I kill myself to make sure to see a lawyer and make a Will, she wants my stuff and money. Back when I went to a counselor she kept calling my counselor to get information from him about me because I wouldn’t tell her. She was driving the office nuts. When that didn’t work she called the counselors office and told them I was going to kill myself. They called the cops. A lot of cops showed up wanting to search my place for weapons. At the time I worked nights so the cops made a scene and almost broke down my door because I couldn’t hear them at the door and I had the doorbell disconnected so I could sleep. To this day the people that lived around me that were home that day still wont talk to me.

I take a friend to operas and plays because I have season tickets so my mother every chance she gets calls her a bitch. My friend is married, so my mother has told anyone in my family that will listen that I am having an affair with a married woman. That includes my ten year old nephew. That has strained my relationship with my family more than it was. My mother has never even met her, she only knows her name.

But the thing that pisses me off the most is she is always putting down the guy she knows I am in love with. She constantly tells me he is using me and other things. Once again she know nothing about him, but his name. It is as if she thinks by putting down the ones I care about will make me want to leave her all my things even more.

Everything about her is about money. No matter how many times I tell her I am not rich, it doesn’t matter. She knows I have not worked in almost two years and I have been living off of my savings while trying to get on SSDI. In a way it is funny though, she always gets mad when I spend money on other people, but she is always trying to get me to fill up her gas tank or take her shopping. Its okay if I spend it on her, just no one else. Its not like my friends ask me for things, I do it because I like doing things for people. More so for those I care about.

I hate the way she talks about the people I care for. I hate the way she always brings up money. I hate that I know she is a bitch and trying to piss me off and she does, but most of all it pisses me off that it pisses me off.

[curious44]

I truly feel sorry for all of you. My younger sister and I had the most wonderful parents in the world. They were married for over 50 years and set an example for what a family should be. I didn't make their life easy in my younger years and I still feel bad about it. As Mark Twain said, "When I was 17 my dad was the dumbest guy on earth, when I was 21 I was surprised at how much he learned in the last 4 years". But I was a slow learner, it took me until I was about 30 to realize what a great guy he was.
They were also part of what Tom Brokaw wrote his famous book about, "The Greatest Generation". They were born in 1911 & 1912, lived through the Great Depression, two World Wars, Korea and then had to send their kids to Vietnam. I was never in the service but plenty of others their age went through what they did and had kids come home in body bags. I have nothing but admiration, respect, gratitude and love for them. I have tears in my eyes as I write this.
My parents both worked hard to give my sister and me a good life. We lived in a good neighborhood. They sent us to good schools, spent time with us, took us on nice vacations and provided a good home with a loving environment. My Mother's Mother lived with us and we all sat down to a good home cooked family dinner without TV almost every night and talked about our day.
When my wife and I were raising our kids I always asked myself, "What would Dad do?" and tell our kids I want to be remembered like I remember your Grandfather.
It wasn't all Ozzie & Harriet and like all parents, they made some mistakes, but as the saying goes, "The job of parenting always goes to amateurs." They've both been gone for several years but I still miss them.

[darkeyes]

Me a daddy's girl....so no probs ther then... but me has a relationship wiv me mum wich is fraught an tempestuous.. she is hypercritical, interferin, abrasive, irritable, potty, opinionated an dogmatic an hasa very short fuse.... But for all those maddeninly makes ya wanna scream an throw things at 'er qualities... wudn hav notha mum for all the tea in China...:bigrin:

Cos me asks mesel.. jus who is jus like the ole bat??? For all 'er faults.. the 1 thing me neva doubts... is she luffs me... an kno that if push came 2 shuv... she will always b ther wen me needs 'er an she wud lay 'er life down for me, me bruvva or me sista if she had 2...:)

[Sourdough]

My Mom is overbearing and controlling. she has to rule everything and everyone around her. I left home 40 years ago and only go back every three or four years, then only for two or three days. We can't stand each other an longer than that. She starts bitching about my wife or my leaving home and that does it, we leave. Will never go back there to live

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Toad-Darlin. I dont know how old you are, (I wasnt being nosey enough to look..lol) but if I were you, I'd move as far from that woman as I could and re-start my life all over again...this time for the a better and more positive one.
Just my humble 2 cents sweetie. I had a Wonderful relationship with my Mom, but my Mother in law was a whooole different story..:}
Cat

[Toad82]

Toad-Darlin. I dont know how old you are, (I wasnt being nosey enough to look..lol) but if I were you, I'd move as far from that woman as I could and re-start my life all over again...this time for the a better and more positive one.
Just my humble 2 cents sweetie. I had a Wonderful relationship with my Mom, but my Mother in law was a whooole different story..:}
Cat



I will be 27 in February. As for moving at the moment I have to stay here, but I have been thinking about it. If I lose my place which I still might, I will have to go somewhere warmer. My family has already told me they wont take me in, so I will be living in my car. I think they still think I am lying about having no money. In its own way it is nice to know that ones family likes money more than them.

[Bluebiyou]

Toad,
From your description you have a cunt/bitch that gave birth to you. She's the female version of the 'sperm donor'.
Welcome to the club.
You owe her nothing. No-thing. Got it? Noooooo-thinggggg.
Think about this for a minute. Think about it.
If you have (mother or father) a child, and raise that child, what does that child owe you?
If you're a manipulative co-dependent sicko, the child owes you his/her life. After all YOU brought that child into the world.
If you're a healthy, loving person, then you know your child owes you nothing. You're far too moral to have had a child for 'payback' later.
Respond to her with silence. Make no reaction to her. Move away. Far away. There is no need to give her your new telephone number. She'll get it, of course (manipulative cunts have their ways). Hang up on her... make no response. There is no middle ground. You're either involved or not (a little involved is like being a little pregnant). A good manipulative bitch will 'take up' on any reaction you have and use that as a point of involvment, then use that point of involvement as a point of manipulation.
Don't waste another day of your life.
You're clearly too young to understand how to counter her manipulation.
Leave. There's only entanglement and interference for you here. You will become sicker (emotionally ill) with each passing day.
Your 'mother' just died. Leave and move on.
The adjustment seems a lot harder than it really is.
Once you've lived away for 5 or more years, it will astound you that you ever tolerated living with that.
Disclaimer: I've made reference to the evil/piece-of-shit women who live among us. There are just as many men who are just as evil. These women and men usually just express their evil differently.

[_Joe_]

Boy. I feel lucky now. My problems seems so petty.

So, Thanks for the reality check!

[HighEnergy]

Toad,
I too have an insane family. Once I asked my priest if there was something wrong with me that I couldn't get along with my family. He told me I was obviously the healthiest one in the bunch. There's a story about crabs in a bucket. When the other crabs notice one getting out of the mire of the bucket by climbing to better places, the others do their best to pull it back into the bucket. No one blames folks for leaving abusive spouses, and abusive family members rate the same. Leave them.

I don't know if there is an alcohol abuse history to your family, but if there is or not, Al-anon is a great place to learn. Your mother sounds very controlling and codependent. There are special groups for adult children of alcoholics and they are terrific. I strongly encourage you to go to the library and find some books on the subject of codependency. Melody Beatty's books are very good.

You are welcome to pm me on the subject if you like. Been there, done that, hate it, walked away, then allow them into my life on a very, very limited basis for my children's sake. I also limit them because of my children. It's hard to draw very strong lines in the sand, but necessary. They will hate you for it, but you must for your own sanity.

[HighEnergy]

Also remember, the only thing we can control is our own reactions. If she doesn't get a rise out of you, eventually she will stop. If you give her clear cut instructions and tell her exactly what this and that behaviour will get her in clear terms, not threats, eventually they quit fucking with you. It's amazing.

[curious44]

CHEEZZZ! I don't believe all this. Am I the only one on here that had a normal happy childhood with a loving family? C'mon people, those of you that grew up in a normal, traditional, happy family need to speak up!

[Bluebiyou]

Curious,
Lots of folks grew up in 'healthy' environments.
But lots of folk didn't.
We're not trying to knock a healthy (nearly 'normal') love of parents.
Blowing sunshine up Toad's ass will only do him harm, by delaying realizing life is about him, and not his scumbag parent.
Many of us had to either join and become the scum (a better metaphor would be that we become the elaborate dance partner - the counter codependent), or put one foot in front of the other. I like the crab metaphor High Energy stated... because it's often very true.
There were lots of kids with great childhoods and great parents. That's not the subject. These are codependent sickos being discussed here. Vampire mothers who suck the life, manipulate, and destroy.
No offense Curious :) ; glad you had a great childhood.
But Toad should have left his parental influence 8 years ago (the minute he turned 18). Anything else we say here is harmful to and disrespectful of Toad.

[wyrd_truth]

I can feel for those whose relationships with their parents are...strained. I have a younger brother who left to attend a private school out of state for several years while I stayed to take care of our handicapped mother. During this time I worked full time, went to college and took care of her. To make matters even more fun I have been told on more than one occasion that I am not "allowed" to have a life until my mother is dead, and yes, by my mother. Now that my brother has returned he dates and hangs out with friends. If I make plans with friends his plans supercede mine. No wonder I have time for two jobs, one during the day and one at night at home. Yippee, yippee, joy, joy.

[wikskul]

i wish i could say my family is a big part of my life.. but due to they way they were i disowned them years ago. All because i couldnt deal with their minipulation, bigotry, hatered, and lies they did over the years.
Yes i miss having a family, but i learned that even though u r born into that family doesnt mean they are your family. so over the years i have made one of my own, through good friends who are closer to me then my blood will ever be, and They are my family... everything that a family should be.
It is sad since we were all taught ur family is suppost to be there and support u.. u can always relie on ur family and for so many it isnt the case. so around 5 years ago i told my mom, dad, step mom, step dad, everyone were to go, and havent looked back.

[darkeyes]

Readin this thread scares the poop outa me... we hav 2 lil girls we adore an r doin our best 2 raise em as we think they shud b.. as honest decent tolerant luffin individuals.. but we all raise our kids as we think they shud b.. wot if, at sum indeterminate stage in the future wen they grown up they decide our best aint gud enuff..that we r interferin ole biddies an jus wonna tell us wer 2 gerroff, make ther own way in the world an h8 us for the way we raised 'em an won nowt 2 do wiv us? The more me reads this thread the more me is scared outa me wits..:(

[Toad82]

Readin this thread scares the poop outa me... we hav 2 lil girls we adore an r doin our best 2 raise em as we think they shud b.. as honest decent tolerant luffin individuals.. but we all raise our kids as we think they shud b.. wot if, at sum indeterminate stage in the future wen they grown up they decide our best aint gud enuff..that we r interferin ole biddies an jus wonna tell us wer 2 gerroff, make ther own way in the world an h8 us for the way we raised 'em an won nowt 2 do wiv us? The more me reads this thread the more me is scared outa me wits..:(

As the OP it seems to me if you do right by your kids that you don't have much to worry about. I didn't even bother to write about some of the more damaging things she has done. For me this has been in the coming for a long time.

[darkeyes]

As the OP it seems to me if you do right by your kids that you don't have much to worry about. I didn't even bother to write about some of the more damaging things she has done. For me this has been in the coming for a long time.
Sad Toad hun..am truly sorry for ya misery.. an wish things cudda been diff..hope in time mayb they still can..

Kids don cum wiv a handbook an we not reely taught how best 2 bring 'em up..an each child has diff needs, diff demands an has 2 b handled differently an each parent has 'er or 'is own ideas a how 2 raise ther kids.. nun of us who hav children kno if or wen a parent/child relationship will hit the buffers..its bound 2 at sum stage, cos no matta how much ya luff em, they get 2 b like us...wiv minds of ther own an ther will b disagreements an probs.. we jus hope that those probs don get outa proportion an blow up inta the kinda relationship breakdown wich so many r complainin bout.. so we r workin hard an will always work hard 2 undastand our children 2 ensure that such a breakdown neva occurs.. but no matta how hard ya work.. ther is always the possibility..an that me finds scary..

[Bi_Druid]

My parents are cool.
Sure we have our differences of opinions sometimes, but who doesn't. I do appreciate I am very lucky to have such cool parents, who do only want the best for their kids, all five of us, and what ever we each choose to do with our lives, so long as we're all healthy and happy and not hurting anyone, they're happy for us to just be ourselves.

The whole me being bi thing with my folks was mostly uneventful, much like that strip in choices where the blonde geeky character comes out to his folks, and they're all like "well, yes, of course you are dear, nice to see you've come out to yourself at last". they already knew, or at least strongly suspected, long before even I did in myself.

As for interfering in my life, like I say, they only want the best for me and my brothers and sister, but they still respect tat what we choose to do with it at the end of the day is our decision. Unless we were honestly going to do something crazy and hurtful.

Like I say, I appreciate I'm very lucky, and I hope to carry on the god work to my own kids when I become a father (though that is not planned for a little while quite yet).
And I'm sure it''l be hard and a constant learning curve as I go, but isn't life itself just one long lesson sometimes.

[DiamondDog]

My parents are cool.
Sure we have our differences of opinions sometimes, but who doesn't. I do appreciate I am very lucky to have such cool parents, who do only want the best for their kids, all five of us, and what ever we each choose to do with our lives, so long as we're all healthy and happy and not hurting anyone, they're happy for us to just be ourselves.

The whole me being bi thing with my folks was mostly uneventful, much like that strip in choices where the blonde geeky character comes out to his folks, and they're all like "well, yes, of course you are dear, nice to see you've come out to yourself at last". they already knew, or at least strongly suspected, long before even I did in myself.

As for interfering in my life, like I say, they only want the best for me and my brothers and sister, but they still respect tat what we choose to do with it at the end of the day is our decision. Unless we were honestly going to do something crazy and hurtful.

Like I say, I appreciate I'm very lucky, and I hope to carry on the god work to my own kids when I become a father (though that is not planned for a little while quite yet).
And I'm sure it''l be hard and a constant learning curve as I go, but isn't life itself just one long lesson sometimes.

Likewise my parents are the same way.

[jem_is_bi]

I see your parents.

And I raise you my life.

I just turned 34 recently. And I see my parents at least 5 days a week, 6 days a week every other week, and sadly... sometimes all days of the week.

I'm third generation of a family business, and work with my mother and father and brother ...and up till several years ago my grandmother.

I like to believe I'm bald not because of male pattern baldness, but due to working with them and losing my freaking mind.

None of them of course know of my sexuality, the parents are southern baptist folks, which means I would be disowned if I didn't kill them with a heart attack first. I put up with their discussions of their beliefs of everything from politics, racism, religion, etc at work. AT FREAKING WORK. There is no real line between Family Life, and Work Life. I detest it at times, and when it should be family time I will not speak of business, which pisses them off. Moreso when I have my kids around and Ihave to remind them to shut the fuck up about business, and be grandparents. They simply can't do it.

My mother in law who lives four hours away has a much better relationship with my kids than my own parents do. and they live 20 minutes away. I took a weekend vacation to the coast with my kids, and they came along. I need a vacation now from them to calm down so I can go back to work, but no, wait they are there to.

If you havne't noticed yet, I am stressed up with dealing with them and venting, so thanks :D

But you know, the stress of working with a parent is nothing to deal with the stress of dealing with a brother who has pretty much in his special way disowned you and you have zero family relationship with, it's strictly business.

* sigh *

Damnit. this whole topic has strick the vent nerve with me. I gotta shut up.

I briefly tried the family business thing but I quickly realized that was a very bad idea. So, I get along just fine with my dad now. He does not know my sexuality. If he did know, he might disown me, but it would definitely not kill him.