getting comfortable

[mkmkm98]

hi--i've been lurking here on and off for a couple years; there some amazing advice that comes though, and reading through things here made a big difference to me when i was "coming out to myself." so...thanks to everyone. :-)

why i am writing now...only a handful of my best friends know i'm bi. i'm really inhibited about letting others know i'm not just straight, even though i've been personally comfortable with it for a while now. but tonight i had a great conversation with a guy in a bar who i met right after i sat down--there was an obvious attraction both ways right away, and an amazing energy throughout it all. i wasn't ready to take it past a good talk yet with some flirting thrown in yet, but i feel personally elated about my comfort about it. it's new and different, and i've hid from even that much so many times in the past. so i'm excited and i really want to tell someone right now, so there you go! :-)

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

lol Fantastic feeling, isnt it Baby?
Congrats to your first steps, and dont be a stranger to this whacky wonderful little family. :}
Cat
(Everybody's Cat)

[Realist]

From the age of 13, until I was about 21, I was a mass of contradictions, guilt and dread. Being brought up in an extremely religiously dogmatic and conservative home, guilt was resting on both shoulders at every turn.

No matter how hard I tried, I could not get away from the fact that I was drawn to both sexes. When I'd go against my up-bringing to share intimacies with a guy, I'd be overcome with gloom and guilt each time. For a long time I thought I was the only person in the world with the same problems.

At 21, I began a 15 month relationship with a much older woman, who was more, or less, my savior. She was also bi and knew from the beginning the trauma I was dealing with. She convinced me that I could still be a good person, honest, loving and an asset to my community, while accepting the fact that I was bisexual.

Slowly, I began releasing all the baggage I'd dealt with up to then and chose to follow her lead in life. Everyone does not need to know every aspect of your life and I've carefully chosen the ones I wanted to reveal my bisexuality to. I began to enjoy life and be myself in the process, without the guilt, or gloom. But since my stay with that wonderful woman, my life has been much easier to cope with.

You are coming to a good place in your life and only you know what is best for you. I hope you will be able to relax and enjoy your new-found freedom and are able to experiment, intelligently, with those you choose to interact with.

Good luck to you!

[srladysmith]

Being comfortable with one's self is so very important.

[onewhocares]

MK,

Glad to hear that you are finding your way in the world. The best part is that you came into yourself at your own pace and I am happy that you are comfortable in your own skin. Finding understand and people to share your thoughts with here is one of the benefits of this site.

Belle

[mkmkm98]

hi all...

Yeah, i've definitely ben taking my time about this, holding back to what I'm comfortable with.

Realist: sorry to hear about the start of your story, but glad to hear it all came out well. I too came from a conservative family, and found myself conflicted with what I was "taught" to believe about right and wrong after I started finding guys attractive when I was about 15. I got past that judgement pretty quickly, but that point of view still held on for a really long time as a feeling of personal discomfort with myself. And I think I've finally gotten past that now. :-)

[Realist]

I guess we all have to find our own level. One road block I had, as a teenager, was a gay friend who spent a lot of time convincing me that I could NOT be bisexual. His theory was that you're either straight, or gay and I was just trying to make myself believe that I was attracted to both sexes. In his mind that was impossible to want/need/desire more than one type of sexuality. Although he was dogmatic about that issue, he was interesting and fun to be with. Sex was fantastic and we usually got along well. But when I fell in love (lust) with his sister, he was unable to handle it and we broke up. He blamed her, for "forcing me, against my will, to be her lover"! Believe me, nothing we did was against my will.

My first sexual contact was with a fellow, who's family moved to Florida from Canada. I was 13 and as ignorant as anyone on this earth about sexual and relationship issues. He introduced me to a world I never knew existed. For that I will always be thankful.

[nothings5d]

Everyone does not need to know every aspect of your life and I've carefully chosen the ones I wanted to reveal my bisexuality to.
I wish that we didn't have to hide aspects of ourselves from certain people just to keep them from treating us badly.

A few months ago I was having fairly frequent conversations with a friend who was introduced to me by my now ex-girlfriend. He had recently broken up with his boyfriend and I had recently broken up with my girlfriend. While I've never been that good a judge of whether someone is flirting with me or not I was getting a very good vibe from him. I found myself seeking him out whenever I could just to talk with him for a while. Nothing ever came of it though and I think the reason that nothing ever happened was a fear that somehow my grandmother would find out.

If she ever finds out that I'm bisexual I know that she would never talk to me again, except to berate me for my sexuality that is, and she would purposely avoid all contact with me to the point that if she found out that I was going to be showing up to my aunt Beth's Thanksgiving dinner she would make some excuse not to come. She's done the same thing with her own son David. I never quite realized the extent of her not wanting to see David until September 1st, my nephew's birthday party. She was there when David showed up, and he had to ask me if that was her sitting on the couch. Less than half an hour later, before the presents were opened or the cake was cut, she left without a word.

While I know that this is no reason not to seek out a relationship with someone, in fact I think that the number of people here at school who already know I'm bi could cause her to find out anyway, it hurts me to think that if she found out about said relationship I would effectively be cut off a portion of my family. My aunt Denise would definitely follow grandma's lead. My cousin Andrew probably would as well. And my cousin Nick would more than likely avoid me anytime he thought that any of the previous three could find out about it.

Thinking about it now I can't believe I've actually thought through how different members of my family would react to this. I've never hidden any aspect of my life from anyone before, but this is the one thing I could possibly ever do that would ostracize me from my relatives.

[Realist]

Some people are as dogmatic, even fanatical about sexual preference, as they are about religion, race and politics. I've seen families, friends, and marriages break up over issues like these.

I was dumbfounded, when at an early age, my aunt caught me and a cousin, naked in her hay loft. She did nothing, but quietly leave. When her son and I finally got up enough nerve to face her, she got us alone and told us: "Boys, you are experimenting with your sexuality.....and that's normal for children to do. But, you should be more discrete and cautious in your endeavors. I, nor anyone else, needs to know your business, but I advise you to be more careful in the future." I was never "caught" again, after that.

Her husband, my mother's brother, would have gone ballistic! I've often heard him rant and rave about sexual deviates. Some think that people, who make such a big thing out of situations like this, have something to hide themselves. But this uncle was a dangerous man. No matter what his real agenda, if he had known about me and his son, I'm sure he would not have been pleasant about it. There's many others like him, too.

I never wanted, or needed the hassle of being out and militant with my sexuality. Others choose to come out, but I've been much more comfortable with being discrete...as my aunt advised, so long ago.

Side note: Before my aunt died, she confided in me that the love of her life was another girl, who she had gone to school with. Even after they married, they continued to see each other at home-comings, reunions and vacations.

I wish I had known about her story and able to learn the details of her relationship with that girlfriend. I can only imagine how scary it would have been, in 1930s Alabama, for a girl to be in love with another girl!

[paddington]

Hi, apart from my husband the only other member of my family i've told about my recently ended relationship with a woman is my sister. she was fine when i told her,seemed very calm,didn't seem too shocked,( i think she'd guessed with some of the things that had been going on),i told my sister i didn't feel i was a lesbian,she seemed fine about it.but, now bi has been mentioned she's run for the hill's,it feels a no go topic.i think perhaps she was ok with it being a "one off blip".my family all live a distance away so aren't aware of what we've coped with as a result of my affair.locally people have been very un kind,lots of "jokes". my husbands found it very humiluating which i'm sure my ex has delighted in& intended with some of the things shes done.i've felt "outed" by my ex.
there's no way i'd talk to my family about it,they tend to hide from "big stuff" at the best of times.
i can remember a couple of things with girls from when i was young(struggled to admit that to myself).the biggest thing is admitting this to yourself. i'm very,very lucky,my husband is very supportive,we're doing much better.:)

[tellmebaby]

I agree with Realist in that a person does not have to reveal every aspect of their life. I wouldn't discuss what I do in bed with my husband with my coworkers or family, so why should I discuss who else I share my bed with. I suppose it's easier for married bisexuals.

[Vikkster230]

Being comfortable in your own skin, no matter what type of skin you're working with is the key. Once you're comfortable, you can surround yourself with someone else's... :)

[pamandfredcpl]

I came out to my wife 2 years before we married. I have had a few relationships and because we are married, I have always kept her informed about them. She has been very supportive over the years we have been together and even joined in on occasion. A few years into our relationship we also discovered that we like to get together with other couples now and then. On the other hand coming out to ones spouse who shares your bed is one thing. Coming out to a world that can be cruel and indifferent is something else. Some of our closer friends know, but that is as far out as we would ever take our private lives.