Am I Bi? [Archive] - Bisexual.com

firewoman30

Nov 9, 2008, 7:58 PM

I am SOOOO confused. I am going to just spill, giving possibly way more than you need to know. I am a 30yo female, who had one 6-month relationship 12 years ago with a guy and one 6-month relationship with a guy 3 years ago. I have had no other relationships ever. For that matter do not have too many friends. I am not completely sheltered, just live in a very rural area. I spend a lot of time with my family. I also belong to a fire department, where none of the men or the only female firefighter are attractive to me. Which brings me to my next point I really feel no sexual attraction to anyone, male or female. However, over the past year or so I have been finding my co-worker, a bi-female very attractive, that is the thought of being with her. Though I am confused about that too. I can see myself being with her, but the thought of sex disgusts me. Which, I thought was because I am not gay, but realized the thought of sex with a man disgusts me also. Which does not mean that I would not enjoy it. I have in the past with the two guys I was with. Anyways I thought of acting on my feeling with the co-worker, but she has just been promoted to my boss, making it more complicated. I do not know if I am attracted to her because she flirts with me and I just want to feel loved, or is it because I am just attracted to her. I am SOOOO SOOOOO stressed. Can someone please give me some direction?

firewoman30

Nov 9, 2008, 9:33 PM

I have sort of flirted back. That is that I have let her have the impression that I am Bi because I think, that she thinks that I am. Which, I am thinking is partly do to my reactions to her. Lately I had been flirting a little more. But now she will be my supervisor. I have been seriously considering a job change and this gives me even more motivation to do so. Because I believe that it would be unwise to "experiment" with my boss. I am in a professional field, where this could taint my future, if she wanted it to, should things go sour. However, I am so attracted to her at this point, I am almost willing to take my chances. Which, I guess is more evidence that maybe I am Bi-. Life is so confusing.

Merlin

Nov 9, 2008, 10:34 PM

This is a guys point of view just so you know. Life is too short to worry whether you are bi or not and does it really matter. There usually are complications when you start dating your boss but lets get past that for now. If your are interested (attracted) in this person and really want to find out where things are likely to go then you MUST make the move.
My suggestion would be to invite her to your place for dinner. Prepar a sumptuous meal for her with candles and wine. You can chat about life, if you have a hot tub invite her to join you for a relaxing hot tube session. Even if sex with her seems disagreeable to you...give it a try, you might like it. Let nature take it's course. I will say this again...LIFE IS TOO SHORT to miss out when opportunity knocks. Remember if she is not interested or doesn't want to date employees she will let you know. If she is interested you might have the time of your life. If you don't make the move you will, for sure, regret it for the rest of your natural life.
Good luck.

eddy10

Nov 9, 2008, 10:37 PM

My advice is to back off. No good can come of any kind of relationship with your boss. Especially, in a small town environment.

Cherokee_Mountaincat

Nov 10, 2008, 3:14 AM

**If she is interested you might have the time of your life. If you don't make the move you will, for sure, regret it for the rest of your natural life.
Good luck.**

Uh huh, and she might have been mistken. She might be outted in that small town she lives in, and be ostrsized by folks that have known her all her life..not to mention her family and co-workers.

In my humble opinion Babygirl, dating a co-worker, especially the boss, is a reallly Bad idea. The person that gave you the afore mentioned advice might be right, and you'd have the time of your lives, but then again if you are wrong you are not only outting yourself, but you'd inadvertantly out Her as well and you could very well be out of a career to boot.

Think about it carefully, Hon. Its your decision, but choose wisely. :}
Cat's :2cents:

DiamondDog

Nov 10, 2008, 3:21 AM

Don't have sex or date your boss or a co-worker, that's a really bad idea.

You yourself said it best when you said just why it would be unwise to have sex or a relationship with your boss.

Also only you know if you're asexual, lesbian, bi, or hetero.

firewoman30

Nov 10, 2008, 6:42 AM

I truly appreciate all the advice you have all given me. Best advice I am hearing is stay away from boss, but don't be closed minded to a relationship with another woman. Everyone already knows she is Bi. They also know that she flirts with me a lot. I have never done anything to make her think that I am not Bi-. I have always changed the subject with other co-workers. I will tell you the worst part. I am a drug and alcohol counselor, meaning I work with all therapist. Yeah, I know, I should be talking to myself, not seeking advice online. It just makes me feel so stupid. It is much easier to help others that to try to figure it out myself. I think some of my co-workers have figured out my confusion, but are nice enough to stay out of something so personal. Anyways as far as my attraction to her, I can not ever remember being so sexually attracted to anyone, as sex itself with a man or woman tends to repulse me. The more I contemplate it, the more I really want to be with her.

steve617413

Nov 10, 2008, 8:47 AM

as the one told you life is to short. ( and i know it is.) if you feel something inside of you wanting to be with her than by all means take the chance and go with what you feel inside and move forward and asked her out... if you two are open and talk it through i'm sure you two can do it. take it a little slow and become good friends as while as lovers and you two can enjoy life together. BUT if another job is in your furture and you are going to take it then go give her a hot wild passionant kiss and slide your one leg agaist her hot little snatch as you run one hand across her lower back and the other up the back of her beautiful neck up under her hair and pull her moist sexy lips to yours tighter as you just slighty slip her the tounge. then pull away give her a sexy little wink just before you walk out the door and don't say a word to her. unless she calls you back to talk or come after you. let it set until she comes to you if she wants the same thing then she will make the nixt move. i say go for it if another job awaits you. and good luck babe.. Life really is to short...

firewoman30

Nov 10, 2008, 9:09 AM

I only wish I were that assertive or even 10% that assertive. I think what I am going to do is feel her out (not up, though I would like to :-)) see if her flirting is just flirting or if she is waiting for me to make a move. Now that she is my supervisor she will be a lot less likely to make a move, meaning that ball is in my court. Maybe if I get a good vibe from her I will try to ask her to come up to my house this weekend to go for a jeep ride. She is always saying she wants to go on a ride. I am just so non-assertive. I hate it. :(

What is the worst thing that can happen? I am hoping to move to another job at some point anyways. Her turning me down would not be an issue at work. Us getting together and things going sour is the only thing I think could make things uncomfortable at work. That would be no different in a straight relationship.

steve617413

Nov 10, 2008, 10:17 AM

take the next step and just ask her if she would like to go for that jeep ride and maybe a little lunch and talk. tell her you'er attraction to her and your fears of what might happen if things didn't work out be honest with her and most of all agree to be friends no matter if it gose good or sours on you. love is weath the chance. i had gay sex with a guy at work. yes even after the missed up relationship with the women of my dreams at the other place i use to work but we became friends frist then had awesome sex but we called it off cause of the other things in our lifes but we stayed friends and even hang out together but no sex together. so it is possible.. you of all people should know then how talking out your fears and being open and honest with someone is the best thing in an relationship.( just go ask her out.) you never now when life will end so live it as todays your last and dream as if it will never end. "SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT." my grandad use to say....:tongue:

firewoman30

Nov 10, 2008, 10:32 AM

I know. I deal every day with clients who get drunk or high because they are afraid of their emotions. I am no better than they are. My next confusion is that I have no imagination and little idea what two women even do together. If someone could PM me some ideas I would appreciate it. Again, thanks to anyone helping me with this. I feel like less of a therapist, needing help with this. But I guess I will just need to get over it. I actually think that I am going to confide in a friend of mine, what I am feeling. Maybe by saying it out loud to her I will have the balls to confront this woman.

steve617413

Nov 10, 2008, 8:40 PM

sex is a beautiful thing shared with the right person or people making love will come to you pleasing another person is like pleasing yourself. you know what feels good on your body when its touched and made love to just give her what you want her to do to you and let yourself go.:love1:

rainbowmonk

Nov 11, 2008, 4:17 PM

hey,

Don't stress out ... when you sweat the small stuff you will miss out on what it really is all about... don't worry about what you are for now...only you can truly label yourself if you so desire to do so. Don't worry about asking for help we all have been there and it does not mean that you are weaker for it just that you can admit that you don't know the answer to that particular question. I quote the words of Buddha " Its not the destination that counts just the journey". Oh and yes I kinda agree that it might be problematic exploring this with your boss but you may want to ask her to help you through it all.

Just some random thoughts..hope this helps
Monk
:bigrin:

firewoman30

Nov 11, 2008, 6:44 PM

Just an update of my rambling thoughts and emotions. Today is the first I saw her since further exploring my thoughts with you guys and thinking more about this. I had to spend a lot of time with her today, because she is in the process of taking over as my supervisor. She was very stressed today with a lot of stuff and not her normal flirting self. I was hoping that she didn't have her kids tonight, because I was going to say to her, "I will go shoot darts with you, get you drunk, and let you take advantage of me". Yes I know that sounds really forward, but this is a flirty thing we have been doing for over a year. We say things that are serious and semi-perverted, but make it sound as if we are joking. I think that both of us might be on the same page, but both are unwilling to commit to the feelings and possible negative consequences. Now that she is my supervisor she will be a lot less likely to take the next step. I understand the concern of not experimenting with my boss, but how can you just ignore such an attraction and overwhelming emotions. I always have clients tell me that they wished they could find someone to love them for who they are on the inside, rather than judge them by their outside. I REALLY love who she is on the inside and admire so many things about her. Despite working with all therapists, etc I would have no issues coming out in order to be with her. I do believe if things went sideways that it would still be ok, and I believe that it is worth the risk. I cannot even tell you how much I am attracted to who she is. Today my hands were really cold so she took her hands and cupped them around mine to warm them up. I thought my legs were going to give out on me and that I was going to have a heart attack.

elian

Nov 11, 2008, 7:14 PM

Today my hands were really cold so she took her hands and cupped them around mine to warm them up. I thought my legs were going to give out on me and that I was going to have a heart attack.

I would say that is an *excellent* indication of the fact that you feel some sort of attraction or affection for this particular person

It is a shame she will be your boss - rule # 6 or 7 of HR is "Don't date subordinates" - it's just not good form - in a volunteer fire dept it might seem a bit different but in a regular business environment for example - if you get a promotion is it because of your genuine merits - or because of nepotism? If someone gets disgruntled it's easy to point fingers. If things don't work out between you and your boss - will your job suffer?

As far as sex being disgusting - well - if you look at it from a 100% logical standpoint I guess the biological processes can be...err..messy..and sometimes the mechanics of it are hell - but I can't help but want to be affectionate and please someone I love - <nuzzles Void>

I dunno - maybe those other guys are what we might call "one night stands" - it would be very logical for you to be disappointed with a one-night stand - great way to break your heart if you have any sort of emotional attachment to the person..even so they still seem to be valuable experiences in the overall scheme of life.

jus' my two cents,
-E

innaminka

Nov 11, 2008, 7:18 PM

Generally, the advice re not "doing stuff' with co-workers is spot on. Mostly it just leads to tears, recriminations and sometimes firings and court cases.

That said;

Conversly wonderful relationships often start between people who work together. The world is littered with happy, successful couples who met at work.
A person's got to meet their love somewhere.

There is no manual - only you know how much you want to get entangled.

How wiould you react to rejection?
In small rural communities, same-sex relationships are not deat with so kindly by the community as in cities. Can you handle that?
You admit your relationship experience is limited. Are you mistaking flirting and risque talk for more?

forget labels - they just give others something to criticise; follow your heart, and we wish you well.

firewoman30

Nov 11, 2008, 7:20 PM

In my particular job, there really is not room for advancement. I am not sure if we have a policy against dating supervisors etc. What I do know is that we could always claim that we were together before she was my supervisor. If they ask why we did not tell them when she was put in charge of me, we could claim that we didn't want to out ourselves. What can they do about that? I would think not much. Besides I think the only rule we have regarding dating, is no sex on company time. That is kind of funny if you think about it.

firewoman30

Nov 11, 2008, 7:27 PM

innaminka. It is possible that she is just flirting with me, because she wants to feel wanted and she does by my flirting back. Either way, with the extreme feelings I have I don't think that I can just ignore them. What I may do is flirt a little more and see if she bites. If not then I will just address my feelings with her, see if it is a one-way street. I honestly see no issues with just being honest with her. I would be smart to just be honest get it out in the open and hope she turns me down. But, I think that I am thinking like a teenager with a crush, rather than rationally.

steve617413

Nov 11, 2008, 7:29 PM

i hope you two get together and things work out. it sounds like you are going to make the next move soon and just let it happen. if the feelings you have is that strong you have to at lest give it a chance or you will regret it in years to come. even if it don't work out this should give you a little more confidence to find that one person that is out there waiting for you. good luck to the both of you and just have fun cause life is really to short.

darkeyes

Nov 11, 2008, 7:39 PM

In many walks a life ther r rules bout who an who ya shudn date or hav a relationship wiv Firewoman hun. Many peeps avoid an sum places ban relationships tween bosses an peasants. Sum avoid relationships wiv workm8s, cos in alla those scenarios ther r potential probs... but hun in human relationships probs r ther, they havta b faced an if the relationship is 2 work they havta b overcum... don matta wetha they r workplace 1s or not...

Hav neva had many relationships wiv workm8s.. partly, sure, cos me has been aware that ther r probs 2 b faced potentially...in sum ways the worst is wen the relationship ends... that can b rite dodgy..but we havta kno its possible..even likely.. an face that as an wen it cums.. but hav neva ruled em out... an equally neva ruled out relationships wiv peeps higher up the line than me..hav had a cuppla such relationships (short and sharp an 1 not so sweet).. the last such relationship wos wiv a girl who wos a grade below me who had not long left school..an it went sour, an things went a bit nasty at work an work poked ther noses in cosa sum intereferin old biddies partly cos she also had a bf but mainly cos it wos me.. nepotism is the least a ya worries wen goin out wiv ya boss for instance..bein victimised lata on is at least as likely a scenario...

.. but if yas interested..an yas sure..ther shud b no reason wy ya shudn hav a romantic entanglement wiv sum 1 at work.. jus as long as yas aware that for every action ther is a reaction, an yas aware as 2 wot those reactions mite b an feel confident enuff 2 b able 2 deal wiv it... think it through as much as ya can but wen yas sure.. an ya think its rite..don b afraid of it... not all relationships end nice... but hav seen many tween workm8s..an quite a few tween boss an slave wich hav worked an still r workin jus fine.. hav seen 2 many peeps who r rite for each otha miss out cosa the stupid convention a no workplace relationships... an sum rite misery caused an all...

firewoman30

Nov 11, 2008, 8:29 PM

I believe if I do follow through with it and things do not turn out the way I would like, that I will be fine. I also believe that if I do nothing I will regret it even more. That and it is starting to interfere with my work. I just cannot quit thinking about being with her.

Merlin

Nov 11, 2008, 9:12 PM

Hi again, You have just said it all and now you know what you have to do. A question for you. Do you or have you socialized with this girl outside the office?
In as much as your office environment seems secure you may want to consider meeting her away from the office. This will help to remove the "she's your boss" thing and change the whole atmosphere and if the ambiance is right it will be much easier for you to cozy up to her. A jeep ride really sounds like a good start especially if it ends up at a cottage by the lake or a quiet dinner at your place. You may want to find out what she likes to do in her liesure time and explore these avenues. Good luck.

firewoman30

Nov 11, 2008, 9:23 PM

We go out to lunch together with an older married male co-worker, every few weeks or so. We talk about whatever, not work. Last week when we went out, she was checking out the girl in the next booth, whose shirt was really low. She was just making a comment on the girl, but telling me that she doesn't care so much about the outside, and that a lot more matters than that. As she told me that she gently placed her hand on my forearm. I think that is what has me really thinking. It just seems to be a little more and more lately that she has been flirting. Maybe we are both just flirting with danger, as we should not be considering it. I am a wuss anyways. As much as I can talk on here and know the answers, right or wrong. I am not assertive and will probably just suffer unless I just happen to have the right opportunity and balls to speak up.

Eden Dew

Nov 11, 2008, 11:06 PM

I think that what you have going on with this girl could be something serious. It certainly sounds that way. I think she is waiting for you to make the first move. I wouldn't worry about the work thing too much. These things have a way of working themselves out.

silkboxerslntx

Nov 12, 2008, 1:05 AM

Ok for my 2 cents.

I really think you have a good head on your shoulders. You seem to have thought things through and considered the consequences and are ready to accept them. my guess is that you are on the verge of a very memorable event in your life you will never regret.

It appears your boss is definitely putting out the vibes that she would be willing to entertain your advance.

The fact that she is openly bi tells you that she will be the LAST person to judge you.

To tell the truth, the whole thing is very erotic! I wish it were as easy for me to find a bi guy like that!

firewoman30

Nov 12, 2008, 6:29 AM

Thank you so much for your kind words. I realize I am inexperienced with women and not very with men. I also have seriously thought out the consequences of dating any co-worker, especially my supervisor, and the fact that she is a female. I have never felt this way about anyone before and feel that I will regret not talking to her about it. Besides, it may be possible that her recent stress, is the same as my recent stress. She may feel like she can't really flirt with me now. I don't know whether I hope she does want to get together with me or to hope that she is smart enough to say she can't. Either way it needs to quit hanging over my head like this.

steve617413

Nov 12, 2008, 8:46 AM

when you was out to lunch with her and she toutched your arm and told you about what she looks for in a women did she look stright into your eyes when she said that? if so then she wants to be with you to. eye contact is the thing most people do when they are into another. THE EYES ARE THE WINDOW TO THE SOUL... the saying has been around for a long time but anyone that has ever been in true love knows it's true. it's in her eyes the answer you seek.... is she looking deep into yours? can you feel her inside of you when she dose? you can feel the difference if there is something there. as you tell us more little things come out the toutching of hand and her placing her hand on you thigh the little bit about beauti is inside are all signs. open your eyes a little wider and look at her as she dose these things. you will see a lot more with eyes wide open.... and tell me have you had any dreams about her? if so you have to ask her out.....

DiamondDog

Nov 12, 2008, 8:56 AM

In small rural communities, same-sex relationships are not deat with so kindly by the community as in cities. Can you handle that?
You admit your relationship experience is limited. Are you mistaking flirting and risque talk for more?

forget labels - they just give others something to criticise; follow your heart, and we wish you well.

That's not necessarily true at all. People say that queer people have hell in small rural towns but that's a myth and IME people have been a lot more open/understanding in small rural towns than when I've lived in/near big cities.

As far as dating/having sex with the boss thing goes, ever hear the expression "Don't shit where you eat"?

I'm not saying that you shouldn't date her eventually; but like others have written it's not a good idea to do this while she holds power over your job and you work with her as your boss/manager.

Just be friends with her and take it from there but if I were in your shoes I wouldn't do anything with a boss/manager/supervisor when we worked together and if I were going to pursue such a thing I'd quit and then do it.

firewoman30

Nov 12, 2008, 9:02 AM

Honestly, I am not sure if she made eye contact with me when she said that. I was still trying to deny my feelings for her. Usually when she says stuff like that it is in a way that she is possibly serious, but makes it sound like a joke, in case the feelings are not mutual. I have been having dreams and fantasies about her. I would just love it if I could get up the nerve to tell her how I feel, and she will have some weight lifted from her by it being out in the open between us, and just kiss me right there. I don't see that happening, but one can hope.

firewoman30

Nov 12, 2008, 9:10 AM

Diamond, the very logical and intelligent part of me says, just try to ignore it, because it is a really bad idea. But I have been trying to ignore it for a long time and that is not working. My thoughts and fantasies about her are starting to interfere with my work. If I tell her and she thinks it is a bad idea, I will either be relieved that she knows and move on, or just move on to another job. As far as small town. I live in a very small and rural town (less than 100 people), but work almost 40 miles from it in a normal sized city. Even if things went really bad I should still be able to get a job in this city. But I am looking at jobs currently in other cities anyways. I have a vacation in December and when I get back I will be sending resumes out to a lot of places.

csrakate

Nov 12, 2008, 9:40 AM

Even if things go the way you hope that they will and she is indeed interested in you, I still urge you to seek employment elsewhere. Having a relationship with someone you work with is not only bad for the work place but can also put an unnecessary strain on a relationship. I had to work as an emergency replacement in my husband's office for a short two month period and there was many a time that I had to hold my tongue and remember that he was my boss at the office. I couldn't cross that line while I was there and I also had to learn not to take his demands at the office too much to heart and put any ill feelings aside once we returned home at night. I realize that many people work side by side with their partners, but it's not so simple when there is a boss/employee situation at work and an equal, romantic one at home. I sure couldn't mouth off at him when he was being unreasonable, tell him he was running late or nag him to get things done any more than I could refuse to do what was asked of me. It wasn't good for us as a couple but it would have been devastating for the other employees if they felt I could get away with doing so just because I was his wife. I had to be treated as an equal to them and I had to act accordingly. It wasn't easy for either one of us and it's certainly not something that I would choose to do again.

Best of luck to you!
Kate

firewoman30

Nov 12, 2008, 9:57 AM

csrakate, that is great advice. What I may do is tell her about my feelings and if she says she is interested but cannot because of work, then I can tell her I will find a new job. We can work on building a non-intimate relationship in the mean-time. That would be best anyways.

Apleasureseeker

Nov 12, 2008, 11:51 AM

You're not bi, just lonely!! DON'T ever compromise yourself sexually, for any reason. In your very first post you say you're not sexually atttacted. Unethical seducers will use any sort of weakness to make a conquest. Anyone--guy or girl, who will take adaventage of your weakness is NOT someome you should be anywhere near. The emotional state you feel is percisely the one that vults and conmen look for. Now, the girl who's flirting with you may be very innocent, but you shouldn't open yourself up to being taken advantage of when you're vulnerable.
Look, sex by itself is no big thing, and if you did it purely for fun & curiosity there's nothing wrong with that. But when you're emotionally vulnerable you're at risk of a lot of trouble and heartache.
People should generally avoid office romance, especially homo-romance (moreso if you're not bi/gay!!), and you have to question the judgement of a woman who wouldn't respect that.

steve617413

Nov 12, 2008, 12:35 PM

my wife and i worked together in the same plant for years but there was no i'm your boss thing i was a worker just like her and we never had any trouble with it. but yes she is your boss now and some people are very peddy when it cums to bosses and workers. but LOVE can over cum it all if the two people can talk and work through every bit of shit that gets thrown your way.if the couple really want to make it work they can....sometimes other people will get in your way and try to tear you apart. it happened to me but it wasn't work that we had trouble with it was family so we parted ways then the emotion got the best of me and she need the job because she had kid so i walked off and got a new one to make life better for the both of us. i say take a chance on love but if things don't work out don't become one of your clients or worse one of hers.use your head and talk it over with her frist and then go for it. i wish you all the luck and happiness. its all up to you take the chance or maybe regret it latter. i didn't regret haveing the women of my dreams. even if it was only a short time. i chairished every moment and stell do. life is short don't wast it live it....

firewoman30

Nov 12, 2008, 9:44 PM

Today I really backed off, trying to keep my distance as much as I could, meeting only with her when I had to, rather than just finding reasons to be around her. I was in a really good mood today, despite having to fight myself to stay in my part of the building (I will be moving over by her soon), and missing being around her as much as I was yesterday. I convinced myself that I should back off. I was even a little saddened that she didn't seem to be making an effort to get me to stay in her office longer when I was there. Usually she will find reasons for me to stay. Like I will be all ready to go back to my office and she will say hey shut my door and check out this text I got, then find other multiple non-work things to talk about, to keep me in her office. Today she didn't make that extra effort and I was a little sad. Thinking maybe I am just imagining something that is not there, because I want it to be there. BUT, at the end of the day when she was ready to leave, she came over to my part of the building to say, "hey, I'm leaving. " Then she had me checking out her shirt, which required pulling it down to read it. Then she turned around and told me there was fuzz on the front of her shirt (belly not boob area) and to feel it. She went to say more but another co-worker came in. She NEVER comes over to my part of the building to tell me she is leaving. Now I am thinking maybe she missed seeing me as much today....OR....am is it just wishful thinking. I hate being a therapist I am always way over-analyzing everything.

Merlin

Nov 13, 2008, 12:00 AM

DiamondDog

Nov 13, 2008, 12:36 AM

Love is a very fickle thing and one of the strongest emotions we have. Time and time again we hear about and see people who can't thing straight, are completely preoccupied whith the toughts about another person. They have a hard time concentrating enough to do their job. When someone speaks to them they don't even hear them until the speaker repeats it two or three times. They have dream about this person and yes fantasies. Why....Because they are "In Love" totally and unequivicably in love. I ask you, if this were a man would there be any question whether this is love? Just because this is a woman there is not difference, love is love. A second question...If this were a man and you were feeling the same way What would you do?
The weekend is cumming and so opportunity is knocking. Make a plan to invite you New Boss to dinner, just as a congradulatory jesture and see where it take you. Have fun, oh and don't forget that jeep ride.

This is her boss we're talking about. The feeling you're describing about being "in love" is just a chemical reaction in the human CNS.

Not a friend, not someone who she doesn't work with, or even a co-worker who is on the same job level/situation with her at work and even dating a co-worker is a bad idea IME.

Dating a boss or someone who holds power over you at work is usually always a recipe for disaster.

In some companies it's illegal/against policy and the person who is in power like the boss can get in a lot of trouble for sexual harassment or they'll get fired.

Don't date a coworker or especially a boss, it's just bad news and nothing good will come from it. People will find out about it and talk about both of you no matter how hard you try to keep it a secret, and again like others have been saying it's never a good idea to date a boss.

It seems to me like you don't even really know her that well and like someone else wrote what if she's just a manipulative tease or she just wants sex with you and nothing more? Do you even want sex with her? In your first post you said how you're not sexually attracted to women at all or how the idea of sex with a woman grosses you out.

Why not meet and date other men/women in your area who aren't your boss and who you don't work with? Or just quit this job, stay in contact with your boss, and then see if you both want to date each other?

firewoman30

Nov 13, 2008, 5:43 PM

OK, today's update: She has always had a standing invitation to come for a jeep ride with me, so she and her boys (2 and 4) can get muddy and have some fun. Today when I was getting ready to leave I had to go get a time sheet from her. She said if she can get the boys this weekend she wants to come up and go for a ride. I really hadn't seen her much today, was too busy. I really wanted to invite her, but she invited herself. Now I can just hope that she comes. Obviously I do not plan to just jump into bed with her, I want a serious relationship. Afterall she is my boss, anything other than that would be just stupid.

steve617413

Nov 15, 2008, 8:40 AM

let us know how your weekend gose and the jeep ride. good luck to you and take it one step at a time

ayoungmom20

Nov 17, 2008, 5:05 PM

Ok, so here is the deal.. i was looking to see if anyone posted a topic like this and so i decided to write in this one.. but when i was younger i thought i might be bi. then as i got older i thought it was just a stage i was going through. then my friend told me she was bi. that got me thinking about it alittle more. than as time went on it passed. and just the other day my husband told me he kinda thinks im bi. and acourse that got me to thinking. when i see porn, and it has guys and girls in it or just guys or just girls i get turned on. but is that just my hormons or am i really bi? like now, thinking of the porn i saw today on a website called, maninpain.com, im getting worked up. :] i just need to know if i am bi. i dont get excited when i see other girls but when my husband talks about it i get horny, but i wont have a three some with another girl because that would make me feel like i am cheating on him. even though it would be hot with him and another guy together. :] help please

_Joe_

Nov 17, 2008, 5:08 PM

Ah... the normal mixture of emotions with your desires and fantasies collide with your ...hmm. Morals isn't the word I'm looking for, but the word for your desire to keep yourself for your loved on. Commitment ? I dunno.

I think quite a few folks struggle with that over time, because deep down its not always about what YOU want, but what you want for your loved one, and I think its always a good thing when you are able to put someone else before your own, shows true love.

Wonders if I made sense....

ayoungmom20

Nov 17, 2008, 5:13 PM

i love him but that would make me feel as if i am cheating on him, and i always told him i wouldnt. but maybe if he had a guy maybe i would try. it would prob. be occward though

silkboxerslntx

Nov 17, 2008, 7:55 PM

Here is how me and my wife sort it out. As long as we both are informed on the activity and given the opportuntiy to participate, we don't consider it cheating.

If the other is the opposite sex, both must be present.

If the other person is the same sex, then both must decide on the rules.

And most importantly, emotional attachments are reserved for each other. When playtime is over, we go home with or to each other. If one of us feels they love someone else they MUST declare it immediately and leave the marriage.

Love is for US. Anyone else in bed with us, is just our playmate and is very informed that he/or she is just that...a sexual playmate.

This is how we define the rules for us to avoid the cheating argument.

Also, we feel it is dishonest and on the verge of cheating if we meet with a married person playing alone and they are hiding it from their spouse.

This all said, I think you should at least open a dialogue with your husband and discuss a 3some or swinging escapade with your husband. And discuss the ground rules each of you would be comfortable with. You may find yourself having the time of your lives and wish you had done it sooner. There are tons of swing clubs where you can go and just get your feet wet and see how it works without getting sexually involved. I recommend the websites Swinglifestyle.com and Clubforeplay to start some research.

Silky

silkboxerslntx

Nov 17, 2008, 7:57 PM

Am i the only one who is dying to hear how Firewoman30's weekend went?

Silky

Merlin

Nov 17, 2008, 9:42 PM

To: Ayoungmom20,
Many people confuse the terms Bisexual and Gay. You seem to use the term Bi and that's a good thing. This term usually means that you have an attraction to females as well as males. Only you can answer the ultimate question of; are you or aren't you? (In the eyes of other does it really matter?) In order to do that you may want to do some hard thinking and ask yourself a few questions:
Do you think about women you know are see on the street on a sexual level?
Are you attracted to females...that is to say, do you look at women and say to yourself, "whoa is she ever Hot or does she ever have nice bunns or bust or the like? (yes, I know we are never satisfied with our own bust are we...Ha Ha)
Do you dream or fantasize about women and inparticular about have sex with them or even just touching or stroking another woman?
Do you check out the other women in a lockerroom or do you hide in a cubical and be very private?
These are only a few but you get the picture. Most straight women and or men would normally be at least slightly repused at the thought of sexually touching or even having sex with a member of the same sex. Yet another question."are you ok with this thought"?
I'm guessing that most Bi-curious people will try sex with a same sex partner and determine if this is someting they get off on and really enjoy. I'm sure that there are many that only try it once and never agian.
As far as you and your hubby and a 3some I think you may be confused about cheating. Of course this may be a matter of interprutation. If your husband is present and in agreement with you having sex with another person, man or woman, then I consider this as being consentual between 3 mature adults and not cheating. As Silkboxes said most 3somes are strictly physical sex and you leave emotions out of it... and set the ground rules. 3somes or swinging is really no different than playng bridge and roller skating or in fact going to a dance and dancing with someone else other than your husband. These are all fun physical activities that are mutally agreed to... sex is not different. It's only when you go behind someones back and emotions play a part in your rational that the term cheating can really be applied. After all how can you possibly be cheating when hubby is and equal participant.
I am here on this site because I am Bi. I am Bi because I am equally comfortable having sex with both men and women and it's the best of both worlds.
Hope this help a bit.
Cheers,
Merlin

Merlin

Nov 17, 2008, 9:45 PM

No Silkboxers, you are not the only one with baited breath awaiting the meat...But we must be patient for only she can deliver the goods ;)

firewoman30

Nov 21, 2008, 9:10 PM

Sorry for the delay in posting. I was just afraid this thread was becoming a repetitive soap opera, discussing a subject that has probably already been discussed 100 or more times. I didn't want to hog the forum or bore people. Merlin and silk boxers have convinced me to update.

She was unable to get the kids or come here last weekend. I am constantly re-assessing what I should or should not be doing, what I am feeling, and how to approach or not approach it. Basically I am trying to back off a lot, in order to not only re-assess my own feelings, but to let her have the opportunity to come to me. She can't come to me if I am always with her. In re-assessing my thoughts very carefully I am still convinced that I want to be with her, despite it being a bad idea. However, I am going to try to take the get to know her better as a friend approach, rather than the lets hook up as soon as possible approach.

thanks for your support, sorry I don't have more to report.

silkboxerslntx

Nov 22, 2008, 1:16 AM

thank you for the update...even though you don't owe us one.

just keep on taking it one day at a time...you are approaching this with the right frame of mind.

I'll just silently support you here from afar in Texas.

Realist

Nov 22, 2008, 4:19 AM

I've been watching this thread for some time and can relate. I worked on a military post for years and had a wonderful female friend there, who is bi. She confided in me that she was hopelessly inamored with a female officer, who was in her supervisory chain of command.

Now, this is what she did ......and I could neither condone, nor condemn her, as affairs of the heart and hormones are difficult at best. Each has to choose their own paths.

My friend (Betty) realized that she was in love with the officer and she was getting subtle signals from her in return. Everything in her being told her letting the officer know her feelings was against the rules and, that if her object of affection/lust reacted badly, her job could be in jeopardy. Being outted in a hostile environment was another possibility.

So................at a Christmas party, with plenty of drinks and food being on hand and everyone in a jovial mood, Betty found herself in a small group, including the officer, discussing work, personalities and revealing history of themselves.

As the party wore on, she found herself in a one-on-one conversation with the officer. The officer was a cool-headed, thoughtful and careful communicator and my friend felt fairly comfortable with her. They began to discuss relationships and some of their experiences in college and in previous lives.

Betty remembered a situation from college that fit into the conversation; it was an incident that happened to her roommate.

Basically, the story she related to the officer was: Her roomie had fallen in love with her Humanities professor and confronted the older woman with her desire. The professor was polite, but firm that she would not, could not, allow herself to be involved with a student.

However, as they crossed paths, during the next semester, The professor relented and told the roomie that IF they actually met privately, the Student/Teacher relationship could not change and there could be NO indication in public that there was anything going on between them. She would only entertain the private meeting, if absolute privacy, discretion and caution was observed.

The roommate accepted the "rules".

Over a period of weeks they slowly gained confidence and trust in each other and eventually they consummated their relationship. Betty told me that her roommate's affair was, in her words, the most exquisite, delicious and fulfilling thing she'd ever done.

The officer did not respond to the account of her roommate's affair in college.

However, later, after work one day, the officer saw Betty in the parking lot and invited her to her apartment for a drink. There she told Betty that she wondered if the story of her roommate was an indication that she had feelings for her? Betty admitted it was.

The office admitted that she also felt drawn to Betty! They began seeing each other and soon became an "item". They were careful and necessarily discrete and although I was one of her closest friends, I did not learn of their relationship until years later.

They maintained their professional demeanor at work, while carrying on a remarkable love story behind the scenes. They were together happily for about 5 years. Then, the officer was transferred. The officer is now married and happy, but Betty hears from her from time to time and tells me she will always love her. She tells me she is glad she took the chance for what turned out to be a little bit of heaven!

This is one case, of many I'm aware of, that turned out OK. However, I've also heard of several that ended up badly.

I would not presume to advise you, one way or the other. But wanted to illustrate that if caution, careful planning and respect for each other's positions, along with mutual interests, are considered, anything is possible.

I can see that you are in dire straights and, for your own peace of mind, there are things only you can figure out for yourself. I wish you luck and am reminded of the old saying, "If nothing's ventured, nothing's gained"

firewoman30

Nov 22, 2008, 8:29 AM

realist, thanks so much for the very in depth story. that is even more complicated than my situation. The military can be very weird. My supervisor doesn't attempt to hide that she is Bi-.
I have given this a lot of thought, making sure that I am not doing it for the wrong reason, or doing it the wrong way. I really like her and do not want to screw up what we do have, by trying to get where I want too fast. I am going to focus on being friends with her. Maybe invite her to go out some night after work, when she does not have her kids. She mentioned that she wanted to see a movie that just came out....DUH, I should have asked her. I am just now thinking of it. Things were crazy at work yesterday and I wasn't thinking too straight. She is having some money trouble I could have offered to take her and pay, so that she wouldn't have to worry about the money. Maybe I can do that next weekend. She has her kids this weekend and would not be taking her kids to see this particular movie. Now I am actually excited that I will have the chance to ask her somewhere, other than a bar.

Sorry for the rambling. Anyways thanks for the story it gives me hope. :tongue:

Apleasureseeker

Nov 23, 2008, 12:53 AM

She mentioned that she wanted to see a movie that just came out....DUH, I should have asked her. I am just now thinking of it. Things were crazy at work yesterday and I wasn't thinking too straight.

Haha! Sonds like the troubles guys go through. Don't you wish women would come righht out and say what they mean?:bigrin:

firewoman30

Nov 23, 2008, 7:31 AM

Yes, I guess that is what guys go through. I think that she has backed off a lot because of her now being my supervisor. Her flirts are not so blatantly obvious to anyone that is around. They are more subtle and when no one is around. The other day though she said that she really wanted to check out this movie. All I thought was that doesn't sound good, and basically made no comment. When I probably should have said let's go see it. Now I feel stupid. I have been waiting an opportunity to find a reason to see her outside of work.

I really doubt she got to see the movie this weekend. So I will be able to ask her on Tues if she wants to go see it, maybe even that night, if she doesn't have her kids. What should I do if she comes straight out and asks me if I like her. If I say no I am lying and blowing my chance. If I say yes and she is not interested in a relationship, then I could be blowing a friendship.

okie5558

Nov 23, 2008, 9:10 AM

I think you ought to go for it. You said you was willing to trade jobs if need be,so why not come out and see what she says aleast you would know.You could tell her how you feel and you don't want to lose her as a friend if she doesn,t ,but would know feel. Better than losing out complety.

steve617413

Nov 23, 2008, 9:12 AM

if she comes out and ask you if you like her don't lie tell her the truth she really wants to know your feelings or she wouldn't be asking. take the chance and go for it let your friendship grow and when both of you are ready things will happen if they was ment to...... go with what your heart tells you or just live your life in a fantasy world a lone...............it's not fun in that world trust me..............

CuriousJon

Nov 23, 2008, 9:19 AM

Maybe just go out with her just to have a good time. If it turns into more great. If not than you both had a great time. She could be having her own worries and concerns esp. becomming a supervisor and having kids.

Just go out and have a good time with a "bud" If you talk about gays or Bis sound open. If she feels safe than she may take the next step.

By the way, where are you going on vacation? I am in So Fla. Weather is great.

firewoman30

Nov 23, 2008, 9:36 AM

Thanks for your feedback. I really hope I get up the nerve to at least make a move, even if it is only asking her to the movies. I want to do this before vacation (Las Vegas), so that I am not still thinking about what I should do.

Realist

Nov 23, 2008, 10:36 AM

I'd be very interested in how this turns out. Best of wishes for a happy experience and possibly a decent relationship will evolve. Just keep a positive attitude and think of the rewards, if things turn out the way you hope. Good luck!

firewoman30

Nov 27, 2008, 4:20 PM

I just wanted to update you guys. Last night before we left work she asked me if I wanted to go to a bar with her, another coworker, and that coworkers husband. So the four of us played darts and hung out for a couple hours. Then she asked me if I wanted to bring my 4yo nephew up to her house this weekend to play with her kids. I am still very confused about her feelings for me. She has been flirting with me for quite a while now, but I am not sure that she has not been just flirting with me, because she likes the attention I give her. For instance all this time she has been flirting with me I have never thought about being with her until recently. I never even considered being with a woman ever, but I liked the attention and was receptive to it. Maybe she just flirts with me because I give her the attention back. Anyways, despite still not being sure how she feels about me, we are at least building on our friendship outside of work. I am pretty sure she does not know I like her, because she is very well spoken and would talk to me if she knew. Now hopefully I don't have to work my second job all weekend.

krrptyc

Nov 28, 2008, 12:10 AM

From what you have said, I have no doubt the attraction is mutual. But, have you thought about what happens if things do work out between the two of you? Will you ride to work together? Are you her only subordinate? If not, what happens when one of her other subordinates does something that results in a bad day fro her? She cannot ethically talk to you about another subordinate. She also shouldn’t listen to you blow off steam about a co-worker. What if you and she get pissed off at each other, will your clients suffer because you two might not want to talk to each other at that time. There are a lot of other issues big and small that will come up once you begin a love affair with your boss.

I have lived in rural situations and I know jobs for professionals such as you are not abundant. However, I also know that a good love relationship is worth more than any job. I’d start looking for a new job after I met with her in a semi-public place (so as to not get carried away) and discuss this issue with her. What does she think the possibilities are? If this could be the love affair of your life, it is worth changing jobs for.

Canticle

Nov 28, 2008, 12:56 AM

I have followed this thread with interest. I have noticed how eager Firewoman is, to bring the site up to date, on the latest instalment of her story. I have read how she doesn't apparently feel attracted to females, has little experience with males, yet feels a strong attachment to her co-worker Someone in a senior position.....very much in the same way an adult is senior to the growing child. It is not unusual for anyone, whatever their sexuality, to be drawn towards someone in more authority, or older, especially if the person being drawn to another has led what seems like a quiet life and does not have a history of socialising.....or of being very confident. What has anything that Firewoman has told in her posts, got to do with bisexual attraction.....any form of sexual attraction. She continues to refrain from mentioning any sexual attraction, yet most people posting seem to assume that Firewoman is, undeed, bisexual.....some telling her to ''go for it''...others to ''back off''...as this is a co-worker. One voice said...''You're not bisexual, you're lonely''.....this voice was totally ignored.
I read Firewoman's posts and get the distinct impression and have done from the start, that her posts are very carefully put together. They just don't ring true with me. There is something not quite right.
Now, I may be wrong and if I am, I apologise in advance, but that is the impression I get. I also cannot understand why everyone should immediately assume that a lady with little experience with men, none with women and apparently no sexual attraction towards females.....is bisexual.
I think that Firewoman is lonely and she needs a little more life experience. She says she is a counsellor and yet she has led a very quiet, restricted life...or so it would seem
I'm sorry....but none of this rings true with me and all 21 of this lady's posts, have been on this one thread.

Hmmmmm

firewoman30

Nov 28, 2008, 8:20 AM

canticle you are more than free to your opinions. I am not offended by them at all. I understand how my situation is rather strange. I also understand how this is probably an over asked question. I have been talking through email with someone from this site who has really helped me understand a lot and encouraged me to keep this site updated. Possibly I have forgotten to mention some things on here, due to talking to him about it, and forgetting I had not posted it here. I am not trying to create a soap opera, just looking for soem guidance, from others who have either been there or had a similar situation, or can offer any advice. Anyways, to rephrase, due to thinking it out more... I do not think that I am not sexually attracted to anyone. I think it is more that I am not attracted to anyone physically. I like things about a person. I am very attracted to who she is, everything about her. I do not care about looks or who she is on the outside. I very much like who she is on the inside. I understand that it is a bad idea to date my boss, which is why I am taking things step by step, just trying to get a more personal relationship with her outside or work, which may or may not lead to one of us making an actual move. I am ok with either, just not ok with doing nothing.

krryptc: thanks for your comments. For the last two years we have worked in the same building but not really together. She was a mental health supervisor and I am a drug and alcohol counselor. Occasionally we would have reason to talk about something work related, but our jobs have been separate. Our relationship has primarily been personal. One would go to the others office to chat about personal stuff, sometimes very personal stuff. Anyways during all of this time she has flirted with me, but she is a flirter. I have always been receptive to the flirting, despite not really ever thinking about being with her or any woman. Though always somewhere in my mind, kind of thinking about it, but not seriously, more passing thoughts. In recent months I have realized I am attracted to her. Then to make things more complicated, they switched me supervisors. Under her are a secretary, two mental health workers, and me (D&A). She has no one else under her and we all have a good relationship and are very efficient. There should be no worries. If this turns into a relationship, it will not be hidden, neither of us are the type to hide anything. well for the most part, I guess I am not too good at letting her know how I feel.

steve617413

Nov 28, 2008, 9:43 AM

i have found that every one has there opinions and they should not be the ones running your life or telling you what you should or should not do. So just go with your heart and a friendship is the most needed thing in life and if love comes from it then your one of the lucky ones. biuld on your friendship and if love is there then it will show it self and you will know the differenats. As far as are you bi , or gay, or stright. it dose not matter Love is Love and a great friendship with some one is something we all look for in life and love. so be a friend and the other will come if it is ment to be... thats my opinion and i wish you both the best of luck with your friendship and love if it comes to that.

firewoman30

Nov 28, 2008, 11:56 AM

thanks Steve. I guess I will just have to wait an see what happens. I am going to be going on a 2 week vacation soon. I really want to talk to her before that. So that if she is not interested in a relationship she has two weeks to process it and things can get back to normal. I don't think we have have issues with things being normal if I tell her how I feel. I just need to find the right time to tell her. Thanks everyone for your support.

chell1970

Nov 29, 2008, 2:27 AM

In my opinion, you are a lesbian not so much bi-sexual, and I have experience almost the same thing. One for years I denied that I found women as attractive as I do men, it was mostly because like u I lived a shelter life and come from a real religious family who preaches against it. But I had my first experience with a female and I love it, I am bi-sexual, I even enjoyed my experience when my hubby joined us. Good luck and I hope this will help u, anymore questions let me know and I will try to help work through it. And as far as that boss thing, it could mess your job up as you were saying, but that is where alot of people meet, I really think she would not cause you any problem, if it didn't work out.

firewoman30

Nov 29, 2008, 7:45 AM

Thanks chell. As many have said labels don't matter and I do agree. At this point I guess I am still a little confused about what I am but it doesn't matter I guess. All I know is that I want her. Last night I was checking my email before going to bed and got an email from her. I have never got an email from her before. I was so excited. She said she was glad that I went to the bar and that she really wants me to come to her house this weekend so my nephew can play with her kids. I have also never been to her house. I am starting to feel a little more confident that she likes me. She has a lot of friends so there is no reason to reach out to me as a friend, unless she wants more than that. I hope anyways.

chell1970

Nov 30, 2008, 9:26 AM

I believe she likes you too! I am glad she has responded back to you, that way you don't have to second guess anything. I think this will clear up alot of your questions that you were having. I hope the best for you and anytime u need to talk im or send me something through this site. I work alot but I am going to try check my mail everyday.

darkeyes

Nov 30, 2008, 11:59 AM

Hun..hav been keepin tabs on ya since the beginnin an can only say this 2 ya... ya obviously fancy 'er like rotten..so mayb its bout time ya took things inta ya own hands an made the move... chased me partner for months till she got puffed out an the chase has proven the best thing me eva did... seems 2 me both ofyas r bein a tadge indecisive 'ere an its bout time 1a ya stopped!! Shilly shallyin an tiptoein round each otha don seem 2 b workin... neva wos my way an kno we all different but don let it drag on or its jus gonna get way from ya... mite prove fruitless in the end an yas readin everythin rong... but least ya will kno an stop the frettin an wondrin an then ya can move on... gud luk 2 ya.. kissie:)

firewoman30

Nov 30, 2008, 12:15 PM

I was at her house for 7 hours yesterday with multiple kids. I am more convinced than ever that I want to be with her. Darkeyes I am with you that one of us needs to make a move. I think we are both feeling the same thing but both afraid to make that move. I feel like such a wuss. Now I know how men feel when they want to tell a women they like her. It seems her flirting that we have been doing for a while now has decreased, but that kind of makes sense as that flirting has always been somewhat jokingly. It seems as though she is not flirting more subtle, turning my necklace around, finding reasons to have her body against mine. I can only hope that she feels the same and that I or she has the nerve to do something about it.

darkeyes

Nov 30, 2008, 12:25 PM

It seems as though she is not flirting more subtle, turning my necklace around, finding reasons to have her body against mine. I can only hope that she feels the same and that I or she has the nerve to do something about it. Next time wen she dus it...wen yas onya own...snog 'er....:)

okie5558

Nov 30, 2008, 12:51 PM

Never going to find ou if you won't take the first step to find out.

silkboxerslntx

Dec 15, 2008, 4:09 PM

BUMP!

DiamondDog

Dec 15, 2008, 8:46 PM

BUMP!

*Yawn!* ZZZzzzzzz.

Dude,if you want to read about women having sex with each other and get off to it, go find some erotic stories written by men and women online.

It just seems like some men seem to be getting off on this story or there are the topics I've read about female/female sex that men have clearly written just to get off on the replies about. :2cents:

I'm also wondering about this below quote and this topic. Hmmmmm.

I have followed this thread with interest. I have noticed how eager Firewoman is, to bring the site up to date, on the latest instalment of her story. I have read how she doesn't apparently feel attracted to females, has little experience with males, yet feels a strong attachment to her co-worker Someone in a senior position.....very much in the same way an adult is senior to the growing child. It is not unusual for anyone, whatever their sexuality, to be drawn towards someone in more authority, or older, especially if the person being drawn to another has led what seems like a quiet life and does not have a history of socialising.....or of being very confident. What has anything that Firewoman has told in her posts, got to do with bisexual attraction.....any form of sexual attraction. She continues to refrain from mentioning any sexual attraction, yet most people posting seem to assume that Firewoman is, undeed, bisexual.....some telling her to ''go for it''...others to ''back off''...as this is a co-worker. One voice said...''You're not bisexual, you're lonely''.....this voice was totally ignored.
I read Firewoman's posts and get the distinct impression and have done from the start, that her posts are very carefully put together. They just don't ring true with me. There is something not quite right.
Now, I may be wrong and if I am, I apologise in advance, but that is the impression I get. I also cannot understand why everyone should immediately assume that a lady with little experience with men, none with women and apparently no sexual attraction towards females.....is bisexual.
I think that Firewoman is lonely and she needs a little more life experience. She says she is a counsellor and yet she has led a very quiet, restricted life...or so it would seem
I'm sorry....but none of this rings true with me and all 21 of this lady's posts, have been on this one thread.

Hmmmmm