Bi, Married, and Nervous Wife

[_Joe_]

Unlike a few others here, my wife knows I'm bisexual, but not 100% accepting of it, and actually nervous at times that it will cause me to leave her. I keep telling her that if I was 100% straight, would she worry I leave her for a woman, she says no. So even though the odds seem greater, I say I won't leave her for another man either.

And this is easy for two reasons - I'm on anti-deprssents and medication for Crohns, which has totally drove my sex drive into the dirt. Second, I do love her, she's my best friend, and I can't envision life without her. The AD's are actually focusing on mood swings I have that can get nasty, I don't really consider myself depressed so much but thats the category they fall under.

So this week her fears have mountained up something fierce.

See, last week a good friend at the school our kids go to, who's a good friend of hers, said her husband wants to try a trial seperation. Anyone that knows how those goes, means he wants to go ahead and leave her and this is a baby step to leaving her.

Then this week, another good friend of hers said her husband told her he's done with her, moved out to a hotel while she gets to do the dirty work of finding a new home as the house is going up on the market and the divorce is being drawn up.

So with two very good friends hitting up a divorce, a bisexual husband that displays no sex drive to her (or anyone, but she doesn't know that), she's nervous as hell.

I can't stop my Crohns meds...and I have contemplated trying to go off the anti-deprssents.....

She doesn't know I go to a gay bar to play pool and relax, because I think that would just driver her fears more...and I'm not looking for a hookup despite how much I crave satisfying that itch....one can only say so many times "im not leaving you"....

I'm happy I found out I'm not the only bisexual married man on this forum. Moreso a few have kids. Tons more that don't hide it from their wife.

But I must ask, anyone else have a wife that accepts you, but still itsn't 100% secure in thinking you'll stay ? How do you work with her ? (or him, don't wanna exclude the ladies)

[nc_wsbi101]

Hey Joe,

My hubby just found this site the other day and signed us up...so we are new here. He's not much for typing so I'm the one who'll be here the most.

Hubby finally admitted his feelings to me about 7-8 years ago. It was a relief, to be honest with you. I thought he didn't love me anymore when he began to shut himself off, sexually, from me. It caused me an awful lot of heartache before I knew the truth. I am completely secure with it now. He tells me he loves me and will never leave me............I believe him. We have some work to do, but I know our marriage is safe, sound, and solid. I love him bi and all...he is who he is......I'm straight.

This has been the only roadblock we have hit in our 20 year marriage. We were honest and open about everything until he realized he was having bi curious feelings and for some reason he didn't think I could accept it. I fooled him.....it's cool..I'm cool.

You need to keep assuring your wife that your marriage is sound and don't keep things from her.........she will suspect that you are up to something and that is a recipe for disaster. Us girls need to keep hearing it. Hey, I can understand why she is nervous, if people around her are splitting up.

Now go tell her how much you love her and need her and she doesn't have to worry.....................Go on:)

dorie

[paddington]

hi, i'm new too. i've been married for a long time too and just ended a relationship with a woman. my husbands been very supportive but very worried and sad too. we're going to Relate,it's helped us to communicate better. he was so worried i'd leave and go to her- i was thinking about it,but realised i couldn't leave my hubby,i love him too much as well as a whole load of other stuff. at times it felt like i couldn't move without him wanting to know where i was going,but put yourself in his shoes-how would you feel?
don't make promises you can't or won't keep,talk and be honest with each other.
hope it works out for you

[still_shy]

Joe
In regards to the antidepressants---I've been on all of them! The tricky part about those types of meds is that you will have a different reaction to each one. Is this the first one you've tried?? Are you on that particular one because it won't interact with the Krohns meds? (not bein nosy, I swear there's a point to this). From my experience, it really does take a lot of testing different ones out to find the right combination. It sucks but once you find the right one, it can make all the difference. My situation is a little tricky, I have ADD, depression and severe anxiety. Some of the meds I took killled my sex drive completely, some of them gave it a hell of a turbo kick, one made me drool in a corner :P, finally the one I've been on for a few years now just lets me be me. Before you think about dropping the meds altogether, discuss the side effects with your doc. Alot of these S.E. are temporary, if you've just started the meds, they might ease up after a bit. If they don't, there are about a hundred others you can try. Just be patient, hun...it's a process!
Accepting a bisexual spouse is a tough one. There are times that I'm glad I'm the bi mate and not the one dealing with it...that's a hell of a selfish thought. What your wife is going through is pretty normal in my opinion. It takes time to adjust, and realize that your desires are not a reflection of your relationship with her, just another facet of who you are. My husband is fantastic and it was hard for him at first too. Best wishes to you and your wife.

[Bi Boi Indiana]

I Am very glad someone else asked this question! Just 4 weeks ago yesterday i finally grew the balls to tell my wife of 16 years that i was bi sexual ..... She's having a really rough go with it! And like joe's wife, she's very nervous and worried that im gonna leave her for "Some Guy" .... So NOT The case! Like joe, i couldnt imagine living my life without the woman i love!

When i first told her of my feelings, wants & Desires to be with another male ( Again ) I Was with one before we got married, and she knew! I Told her that sex with another male would be enough! .... Sadly i lied to Myself and Her! Trying Not to hurt her feelings, but Again, i dropped the bomb on her Last night, that i would like the companionship also! I dunno where "We" Stand right now! She says we'll make this work because she doesnt wanna lose me, but on the other hand, she's telling me she dont wanna share me with anyone else either!

2 days before i told her all of this, a month ago! I Tried to commit suicide, because i knew what would happen when i told her! I knew she wouldnt throw me out, But that it would break her heart to hear the things comming from my mouth. Im just the type of person who does not like to hurt other's or tell someone NO! ... So in my messed up mind, i thought if i off myself i wont have to worry about the feelings, wants and desires im having, NOR Will i have to hurt her Anymore! But even i couldnt finish what i had sat out to do .. Why because i love her to much ... . 2 days passed and something so totally betrayed me, weather it was my mind or what, but all this crap just started falling outta my mouth about MY Bi sexuallity and what i wanted, what i needed, and the growing desire to be touched, held and Screw another Man!
the only part of this that makes it any easier for her, is that im a bottom, and wouldnt be "Doing" him ... that's the only thing that she's comfortaded with.

She's told me to go do my thing, but im so very afraid that she's only telling me this because of the suicidal thought's, to keep me from trying that, if i bottle up my feelings again and deny who i truely am!

Over the last 4 weeks, i've watched her Cry almost daily, it's heartbreaking, Knowing the person that i love more than anything, i have hurt so badly! But what's My Life worth if i would have kept everything inside me and not ever let it out!

Joe i to am on anti's but for different reason's ... Im on the Max dose of Effexor that you can take daily! And still again, im starting to have Mild To Extremely WILD Mood Swings! .. So im afraid the meds arent working anymore! .... Gonna have to talk to doc i guess! I Take my Anti's because back in '01 i was injured at work ... and that injury lead to me losing my left testicle! It was very ( God i dont know what i felt like or still do honestly ) It was very odd after comming home from the hospital and taking a shower and stepping out and seeing yourself in the mirror, and something is gone! Something that you had been friends with for some 30 years, and just overnight it's gone! I Went kinda crazy back then ... and i've been on Anti's and Pain killers EVER Since! .... Currently the dr. has me on Methadone as a pain killer because the surgery didnt fix Everything ... and left me with a cronic pain issue! <~ BUT All of that is the least of my worries right now!

Right now, im more worried about keeping my wife happy, and ALSO Myself ... I have seen a couple of the posts where the ladies are saying, keep telling your wife you love her and that your not leaving her ... I have done this over and over and still things are no easier ... it only seems things are getting so much worse ... Im OUT, I Should be happy and excited, But im not! Im sadder than ever! ... All because she's paying the price to make my life happy .. and is that fair ? i think not! :(

[csrakate]

Joe,
For many years I went through the same thing as your wife. I experienced fears of not being enough sexually or being afraid he'd leave me for another man and the worst part was, I couldn't talk to anyone about it! It's one thing to go through an experience where you fear your husband leaving you for a woman...you can go to any of your friends about it, many of them have been through it, but just how can you broach the subject of a fear of losing your husband to a man with just anyone? Lucky for me, I was finally able to talk to my husband about how I felt and he was able to not only assure me that he loved and wanted me, but also that he understood why I was so afraid. Just putting it out in the open to him made me feel so much better. BUT, the biggest help to me in finally getting over many of my fears has been coming to a site such as this one where I met some wonderful people and learned so much more about bisexuality through them. It wasn't just blatant sex talk, discussions about details or anything like that. It was getting to know other bisexuals and other spouses of bisexuals and being able to be totally honest, being ourselves and simply just discussing anything. I soon discovered that I had nothing to fear...that I was not alone...and that bisexuals weren't some enigma....they were everyday people just like my husband and myself. I also discovered through these discussions that many bisexuals are fully capable of loving one person and fully capable of being satisfied by that person sexually. I began to no longer look at my husband's bisexuality as a threat to my life and instead began to look at it as something we could share.

While this may not necessarily help your wife in the same way, I do encourage you to continue to attempt to allay her fears. The demise of so many marriages around her at this time is only feeding her fears and she needs to be reminded of your love for her. As for your present medical state, I am sure that if you continue to be honest about your feelings with your wife, your inability or lack of interest in proving it sexually with her won't be such an issue. By all means don't go off your meds. Anti-depressants take many trials to get the right kind as well as the right dose. The most important thing for you to do is to also be totally honest with your doctor as to the side effects. If he isn't aware of them, there is no way he knows to try and adjust the dosage or perhaps try another kind. But whatever you do, do NOT stop them and definitely don't stop them on your own cold turkey.

Best of luck to your both!

Kate

[_Joe_]

I dunno what to say, quite a few replies that I can relate to, or those relating to me.

I tell her daily, and she hears it daily, but you know how you can say something too much it sorts gets to be numbing effect.

The real kicker though is with AD's, loss of sex drive, the partner takes it as they aren't attractive anymore, or worse - not wanted at all. Ah well, we don't talk about my bi-ness much, it stays up inside me.

[Hoselvr]

I am in a similar situation to these bisexual married men. The only exception is that I don't have to take meds for anything.
After many many years of denying my bisexuality to myself and others close to me, I came out to my wife and select family and friends. My wife still loves me and wants to stay with me, but like other spouses here, is always worried in the back of her mind that I am going to leave her someday to become 100% gay. I consider myself equally 50/50, straight/gay, thus 100% bisexual. In addition to the bisexuality, I enjoy indulging in crossdressing frequently, especially nylons and heels which are my fetish whether men or women wear them. In order to not push any issues with my wife, I try to keep my bisexuality and crossdressing hidden from her so it doesn't get her mind swirling with thoughts of me leaving her which in turn leads to her doubting our relationship and fuels conflict towards my proclivities. She and I both try to stay away from the subjects to be at peace with each other. Most of the time, it works, but sometimes, I take mild verbal abuse for who and what I am. In that event, I stick up for myself while trying to respect who she is and not push my opinions on her. Furthermore, just because I'm bisexual and I love to crossdress doesn't mean I would sleep with just anyone. If I were ever to decide to do something about my desires, I would never want to hurt her in any way, physically or emotionally. She is a good person, but won't ever fulfill my sexual desires and needs completely. We get along in every other way though, so I can't leave a relationship just for the sake of sexual discourse. She feels the same way.

That's my two cents, be it acceptable to anyone else or not. Everything is subjective in these regards.

Regards.

[welickit]

From our point of view you threw in way to many of her friends experiences in an effort to dodge the real issues. Once you finished raking her friends over the coals you tell us you go to a gay place to play pool and relax. Now you come here and look for support to justify it all. No offense intended, however you married her. Going behind her back for any reason just makes you a lesser person. You may not have a sex drive but keep your balls for God's sake. Grow up and communicate with her. Sooner or later she is going to find out where you go to relax and it isn't home to her. You are living a lie and sure as hell it is going to come back and bite you on the ass. Saying For Better or for Worse is easier than living it, living it isn't bad at all once you decide what you want in life.

[csrakate]

From our point of view you threw in way to many of her friends experiences in an effort to dodge the real issues. Once you finished raking her friends over the coals you tell us you go to a gay place to play pool and relax. Now you come here and look for support to justify it all. No offense intended, however you married her. Going behind her back for any reason just makes you a lesser person. You may not have a sex drive but keep your balls for God's sake. Grow up and communicate with her. Sooner or later she is going to find out where you go to relax and it isn't home to her. You are living a lie and sure as hell it is going to come back and bite you on the ass. Saying For Better or for Worse is easier than living it, living it isn't bad at all once you decide what you want in life.

Ouch!! Don't ya think you're being a tad bit harsh??? I never interpreted his disclosure about her friends' impending divorces as "raking them over the coals". The point he was trying to make was a very valid one...that seeing marriages crumble around her was making her more fearful for her own. She is already feeling fearful about his lack of sex drive and takes it to mean he doesn't want her, but when she sees those close to her losing their marriage, it simply magnifies an already difficult situation. The mind can take off in many different directions when you're dealing with fear, and as someone who has been there herself, I don't think it's fair to downplay the importance of how this affects her.

As for him going to play pool in a gay bar to relax, would you still feel the same if he went to a run of the mill pool hall??? He said he wasn't looking for a hook up. Yes, maybe keeping the fact that he goes there from the wife might be less than honest, but as long as he is doing nothing wrong, I don't see how the fact that it's a gay establishment has that much to do with anything.

While struggling with a debilitating health situation and side effects from medications he must take, he is also having to deal with a wife who feels unloved and rejected due to his inability to have a sex drive. He has stated he loves her, he doesn't plan to leave her and he can't envision his life without her and he has said he tells her this all the time. He is obviously in the midst of some very difficult situations and suggesting he grow a set of balls is really quite harsh. If he has come here for support, then support we should offer. Raking HIM over the coals certainly isn't going to help him or his marriage.

Kate

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Joe-honey, just as others have advised; Keep reassuring your lady that you love her..even if you have to do it daily. Let her know that She is the most important factor in you life and always shall be. Talk, and do it as often and as openly as you can, and Keep that communication open at all times. That's paramont, at all times. :}
Take care and best of luck to you hon.
Cat

[_Joe_]

From our point of view you threw in way to many of her friends experiences in an effort to dodge the real issues. Once you finished raking her friends over the coals you tell us you go to a gay place to play pool and relax. Now you come here and look for support to justify it all. No offense intended, however you married her. Going behind her back for any reason just makes you a lesser person. You may not have a sex drive but keep your balls for God's sake. Grow up and communicate with her. Sooner or later she is going to find out where you go to relax and it isn't home to her. You are living a lie and sure as hell it is going to come back and bite you on the ass. Saying For Better or for Worse is easier than living it, living it isn't bad at all once you decide what you want in life.


Ouch.

I would agree with you, if I was going out to the gay bar to find a hookup, sexual drive or not. That, and even though I wrote a lot, the whole story isn't told from both sides, I only gave you a fraction of it and I understand how jaded it can seem from my mouth.

However I'm going to a gay bar because I find a normal bar unacceptable on the level that I have to bite my tongue and think twice about anything I say or do because I don't want some drunk redneck picking a fight with a queer sititng next to him or playing pool. I don't need to be hearing half drunk guys going on how they hate faggots and wish they would all die of AIDS (heard it at a classy hotel bar in Dallas last year, prompty finished my drink and left).

Bottom line, I go to the gay bar because I know I can simply relax and be myself.

She knows I go out to get a drink, to play pool, and to just talk to folks. And in time when things seem to be calm and normal, she'll be told its a gay bar.

[holle1199]

I had a friend that was in a simalar situation years ago, he and I was getting to gether alot for a year or so then he went on some kind of heart medication that caused him to lose all interest, we still saw each other as friends even though he didn't want sex--I was over there one night and his wife was out partying with some girl friends, she came home and was pretty much out of it.We all sat there had a couple more beers talking and she started to talk about her lack of sex life--he came right out and told her in front of me about his being bi and not having any interest in guys eithier anymore--she took it good, no screaming or anything, she said she suspected all along and thought he didn't want her anymore because of guys.
Well he said watch this I can't getr hard no matter what and he reached for me and began playing, well I had my clothes off in about 2 minutes, she watched and then she started playing with herself and he said see I want to do things but the drive is gone.
Then she reached for me and started playing, I looked at him and he nodded yes, I started to play with her and then her and then her and I had a great time and he watched, after that I saw them at least once a week for sex with her and other times just to visit.About 3 months later his doctor changed his meds and his interest came back and then we were having threesomes all the time and she loved to watch he and I suck.

JIm




I dunno what to say, quite a few replies that I can relate to, or those relating to me.

I tell her daily, and she hears it daily, but you know how you can say something too much it sorts gets to be numbing effect.

The real kicker though is with AD's, loss of sex drive, the partner takes it as they aren't attractive anymore, or worse - not wanted at all. Ah well, we don't talk about my bi-ness much, it stays up inside me.

[parkwings]

Women seem to require alot of assurances, which is understandable.

I split with my long-term gf because, in good conscience, I could not GUARANTEE that I would never have feelings for a man. Twas very tough, but such is life.
I had to split with her because staying was making me feel anxiety/guilt..I felt I may screw up her life with my sexuality issues. The anxiety/guilt/feeling down, was also making things (like work) more difficult.

I feel for the married guys, it's a tough spot to be in and keep all concerned satisfied and true to themselves.

[Bi Boi Indiana]

Ouch!! Don't ya think you're being a tad bit harsh??? I never interpreted his disclosure about her friends' impending divorces as "raking them over the coals". The point he was trying to make was a very valid one...that seeing marriages crumble around her was making her more fearful for her own. She is already feeling fearful about his lack of sex drive and takes it to mean he doesn't want her, but when she sees those close to her losing their marriage, it simply magnifies an already difficult situation. The mind can take off in many different directions when you're dealing with fear, and as someone who has been there herself, I don't think it's fair to downplay the importance of how this affects her.

As for him going to play pool in a gay bar to relax, would you still feel the same if he went to a run of the mill pool hall??? He said he wasn't looking for a hook up. Yes, maybe keeping the fact that he goes there from the wife might be less than honest, but as long as he is doing nothing wrong, I don't see how the fact that it's a gay establishment has that much to do with anything.

While struggling with a debilitating health situation and side effects from medications he must take, he is also having to deal with a wife who feels unloved and rejected due to his inability to have a sex drive. He has stated he loves her, he doesn't plan to leave her and he can't envision his life without her and he has said he tells her this all the time. He is obviously in the midst of some very difficult situations and suggesting he grow a set of balls is really quite harsh. If he has come here for support, then support we should offer. Raking HIM over the coals certainly isn't going to help him or his marriage.

Kate


Thank you Kate! Very well Said indeed! That was WAY To harsh ... Weather anyone wants to believe it or not! ALOT of us bi males Have similar Feelings to Females, and we take offense to things said quite easily! Or at least i know i do! ..... Altho i also still like to Hunt,fish, go camping and spend time with my family, im still more Femanine Then Manly in the dept of Feelings and them being walked upon by rude/Uneducated People! I have asked my wife to create an account here also ... i hope she does, im hoping being able to talk to some of you women who are married to bi males will help her better understand Me ... a lil more! =) ... again thanks Kate! I Couldnt have said what you did anybetter!

~BILL~

[PolyLoveTriad]

Ouch.

I would agree with you, if I was going out to the gay bar to find a hookup, sexual drive or not. That, and even though I wrote a lot, the whole story isn't told from both sides, I only gave you a fraction of it and I understand how jaded it can seem from my mouth.

However I'm going to a gay bar because I find a normal bar unacceptable on the level that I have to bite my tongue and think twice about anything I say or do because I don't want some drunk redneck picking a fight with a queer sititng next to him or playing pool. I don't need to be hearing half drunk guys going on how they hate faggots and wish they would all die of AIDS (heard it at a classy hotel bar in Dallas last year, prompty finished my drink and left).

Bottom line, I go to the gay bar because I know I can simply relax and be myself.

She knows I go out to get a drink, to play pool, and to just talk to folks. And in time when things seem to be calm and normal, she'll be told its a gay bar.

Im not new here and I certainly dont know it all.

I do want to point something out though. Your wife is worried youre going to leave her for another man. Im telling you from the perspective of a wife married to a bi man, I would completely freak if I found out my husband was going to a gay bar to relax and kept it a secret from me. Not because I think he would cheat on me, my husband and i have been together 12 yrs and we have known each other was bi from the get go. I would be pissed off my husband was keeping something like that from me. Part of marraige is being completely open and honest with your spouse. If you were comfortable enough with her to tell her you are bi, then you should be able to tell her what bar you hang out in. If by just a chance someone you knows see's your car in the parking lot, or see's you walking into this bar and it gets back to her, how do you think it will make her feel? Its not going to re-assure her that youre not going to leave her for another man is it. Its going to hurt her, its going to scare her and its not going to help your situation. Im not saying to not go to that bar but maybe if you took her along with you so she could see where youre hanging out she would be more comfortable and more secure since youre showing her exactly what youre up to and not going behind her back.


In a nutshell, even if you have no sex drive at all, make her feel like a queen everyday. Lavish her with love, make her feel like she did when you were first married. BE HONEST, dont hide ANYTHING from her.
Its probably going to be a rough road but if you both put each other first you can get through it :) Hope this helps even if just a little bit!

[onewhocares]

Guess I am sort of insightful......I guess the thing that would be the most hurtful to me was if my spouse, no matter how much I loved him would say.....I want and need more. But...then again SO do I..I want more than my husbad of 28 means to me. Kind of sad that at 47 that I could learn more about men...guee it is my loss.

[CountryLover]

Hi Joe,

My husband and I live not so far from you (if you're still in the Poteet area). (GAYTORS??!!... in POTEET????)

We're both bisexual and gloriously happy after marrying in July 2006. When I was ready to remarry after divorcing in 2001, I went looking specifically for a bi man. I hit the jackpot!:tong:

I was a member here for a while before Ken and I met on another website. Life has been way too fast forward the last year or so for me to be very active on this website (or any other.)

By his choice, Ken and I are totally monogamous.

As for advice for your situation:

The secrecy about the gay bar has to cease.

If she finds out on her own, it will be a huge betrayal that plays into all her fears. In our situation as bi marrieds, complete trust has to be the rule, and you do not foster trust when you are secretive, no matter how "innocent".

Take her to the bar, let her make her own friends and feel comfortable there. Women ARE welcome at gay bars, even straight women. That way the familiarity will help allay her fears, especially when she sees how you relate to the other patrons.

Do you sing? Enjoy good music? Check out www.acmc-texas.org. They're a wonderful men's choral for bi/gay men. It is a terrific organization that your wife will feel comfortable with and give you male friends too. My husband and I never miss a concert, and donate time and money to the Choral.

Regarding your love life and the need for medication:

Ken had 4 major surgeries last year, and I was hospitalized for ongoing heart problems. We've done a whole lot of meds and watched it dampen our normally HIGH sex drives. The pain meds Ken was on left him basically impotent for a long time. The heart meds I was on for about 6 months left me unable to orgasm. UGH!

However, that said - he made sure that I never felt neglected, unwanted or needy. Just because his "plumbing" didn't work didn't slow him down a bit from making sure I was sexually satisfied as often as I wanted it. Be creative!

You can do the same for your wife. Talk to her, find out what her needs and desires are, let her know that SHE is your first priority, that keeping her happy is the utmost importance to you. That doesn't negate your own needs, but it lets her know that hers will be met.

Also, talk to her about your needs. Is she open to anal sex? As a couple, are you able to play with toys to meet both your needs? If she feels like she is helping to fulfill your desires, it will be more reassuring to her.

Just some thoughts from a neighbor ;-)
Sara

[**Peg**]

........Weather anyone wants to believe it or not! ALOT of us bi males Have similar Feelings to Females, and we take offense to things said quite easily! Or at least i know i do! .....

....... im still more Femanine Then Manly in the dept of Feelings and them being walked upon by rude/Uneducated People!

~BILL~


Bill, you hit the nail right on the head! It has been my personal experience that the bi men I have met here and talked with are much more soulful, emotional, loving and giving individuals than the general population. Hence my reason for being here. I've had my fill of the others.

I don't know you but if you ever see me in chat, pls say hi.

Peg

[**Peg**]

morning Joe

you and I have chatted a bit... and I have read this whole thread.

I think it might be time to get some professional counselling as a couple.

sometimes.... all the love in the world can't save a marriage if the woman feels betrayed.

Don't hesitate.

:2cents:

>hugs<

Peg

[csrakate]

Joe,
I have to agree with the others as to your "secretive" visits to play pool. I didn't want to dwell on this particular issue while you were already so down, but the others are right. Having ANY secret at this time will only serve to make your wife more nervous and more fearful of the loss of her marriage. I understand that her constant voicing of these fears is getting you down, but obviously she needs something more from you at this moment and the two of you should really sit down and discuss it, calmly, lovingly and without judgment. That is something that counseling can offer you with the presence of an impartial third party to ensure that you both truly listen to the other. If you choose not to seek counseling, the two of you still need to talk. Until you do, this issue will continue to grow in her mind whether or not you think you are doing anything wrong. Marriage is about compromise, but at times, we find that sometimes we have to give a bit more than we are getting just so that the other one truly understands where we are coming from. You know you have us behind you for support....but your wife obviously doesn't have a very good support base at this time and you are the only one who can allay her fears. Hiding the truth, however benign the situation will only become fodder for those fears. I implore you to seek counseling, but if not, find a good time to sit down and discuss your feelings with her. And if you feel she may merit from talking to someone who has been in her shoes, please know that I am more than willing to listen.

Hugs,
Kate

[_Joe_]

Welp, I will probably tell her more about the bar this week, as I know you all are right but I'm just trying not to overload her all at once, rather take it a piece at a time.

[csrakate]

Welp, I will probably tell her more about the bar this week, as I know you all are right but I'm just trying not to overload her all at once, rather take it a piece at a time.

Well...only YOU know the pace you need to take so by all means, do so at your own pace. But a kind word of warning, once she discovers that you may have been keeping some things hidden, however innocent those things may be, it may only exacerbate fears that are already in place. Try not to disclose those things in layers too often. It will only lead her to believe that there may be other things you have yet decided to share with her. Coming clean with her once and for all and COMPLETELY is the only way the two of you can get past this.

Best of luck.
Kate

[still_shy]

Kudos Kate! As usual you said it better than I could have !!

[angelrose1955]

So why haven't you told her about your sex drive altogether...that might help.. And maybe taking her to that gay bar so she can see what it is like might help too...It will devastate her if she finds out you are going there "behind her back"...believe me, It would me.
Not being completely honest about things is the fastest way to destroy what you do have with her.
Saying "I won't leave you" doesn't mean much if your actions show differently...If I were her and found out that you were going to the gay bar and I not know about it...would kill me. It would feel like you are betraying me..even tho you say nothing is going on...being secretive about it makes it look like something is.
I also have trust issues with my partner...not so much so from his part, but from what I have been through in the past and it is hard to let that go...but I am working on it. But mine do not involve my partner leaving me for another man...I do not fear that
Is there something 9in her past that may be causing this to happen with her??
Conversation is the key here...continuing to talk it out with her..and maybe see if the Dr. can help with the sex drive issues...
Be honest with her hon...that is the best thing you can do...be completely honest...
Good Luck
AngelRose

[_Joe_]

Well...only YOU know the pace you need to take so by all means, do so at your own pace. But a kind word of warning, once she discovers that you may have been keeping some things hidden, however innocent those things may be, it may only exacerbate fears that are already in place. Try not to disclose those things in layers too often. It will only lead her to believe that there may be other things you have yet decided to share with her. Coming clean with her once and for all and COMPLETELY is the only way the two of you can get past this.

Best of luck.
Kate

yaaaa, just opened up about wanting to try out this bar with pool tables that is gay friendly didn't even go well.

ouchies.

[void()]

Similar situation with KS (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kallmann%27s_syndrome) here, regarding sex drive. And I'm a bi guy. Also married now for about ten years, going for fifty more at least.

Something which helped with my wife and I was simple, open communication. Remember, bisexuals are human beings too, least most are. :) It probably wasn't the fact it's a gay bar that upset your wife so much as the idea of a secret.

Of course, it may be the idea of it being a gay bar. Just know from experience that being covert in a relationship isn't a good thing. Then again, don't go out much here.

Closest gay bar is like twenty some odd miles out of the way, and has a ten dollar cover and two drink minimum. Rum runners cost about ten bucks each. So, thirty bucks just to be in the bar, plus two to five dollars in gas and the hassle of being out of the way really make the idea unappealing.

And I'm not really into the bar scene anyway. If I want to drink, which is rare, rather have a whole bottle that will last a year than say one or two drinks for the same cost. And at home there's only the wife to yell out "Last call sailor, finish that one and stagger to the rack!"

Fortunately there has only been one time in ten years she ever felt I'd gotten 'nasty' when drunk. Got pretty torn up and happened to recall the date and mates in a submarine that were lost, and an article about Marines, sailors little brothers, who held a bridge in Iraq. Those boys took a bridge and held it with Hasbro equipment. I was soused that night, got rather foul mouthed about peace nick hippies and bullshit bureaucrats. So she called Poul Fenality on my sorry ass.

"You're going to bed, Mister!"

What did I do?

Got up and went to bed. The next morning she was highly apologetic. Told her she was in the right as I'd been out of line, and further apologized to her by treating her to a dinner at Olive Garden, a new video game. And it's not a game I bother playing much if at all.

Point being, honest communication and bisexuals are human.

[nc_wsbi101]

Sorry about the ouchies..but Joe, you didn't really expect it to be painless, did you??

The woman is nervous..... so she heard the news from YOU and didn't find out some other way. I think you are still better off, in the long run, to have come clean with her. You have put it all out there, now when she starts to ask the questions, keep it open and honest.

Best wishes, hon. I hope the two of you can keep the communication line open, this is very important now. :2cents:

((((HUGS))))

dorie

[mrtoy2u]

pardon me for jumping in here late.

My question is, what is SHE doing to educate herself on bisexuality and the different kinds of relationships other than the stereotypical (and broken) monogamous straight model? You are both in this together. If she is relying solely on you for information about this then it's going to come out sounding self-serving. If she went out and educated herself and came to her own conclusions about it then maybe you guys come to a good place where you can stay together and you don't have to sneak out to play pool with the boys.

Coming clean about your sex drive is a good idea too.

And if she gets bent about you going to a bar and playing pool and nothing else....then she has other issues that are compounding this whole thing. Its not JUST about you being bi.

[csrakate]

yaaaa, just opened up about wanting to try out this bar with pool tables that is gay friendly didn't even go well.

ouchies.
So sorry it didn't go well but I think you knew that would happen. Nothing magical is going to happen overnight and quite frankly, it may never happen at all. BUT...you are being honest and from what you have shared with us, you don't seem to be the sort of guy who can live with a lie. You've got enough on your plate without having to juggle stories to placate your wife. But I also realize that it is up to you to decide how you wish to run your life and I only hope that someday you will be able to find yourself in mutually satisfying situation.

I can't stress enough how much honesty will help YOU in the long run...and if things don't go as you wish, you may have to make some concessions, whatever those concessions may be. I truly hope that you will be able to live your life as you as who you are without shame or guilt, but sometimes that just doesn't happen. You may very well decide to continue to live a secret life and if that is your choice, then that is your right to do so. I can only say that as a wife who has been in a similar situation, the ramifications of finding out that a husband has been dishonest with me far outweigh any struggles I might face over his sexuality. It is much easier to come to grips with having a bisexual spouse without the added fear that he is capable of lying and deceiving me. But...that is just me and how I feel....what you do or need to do is totally up to you....just make sure you weigh all of your options.

I totally agree with mrtoy2u that your wife needs to educate herself more on this subject. It certainly made a world of difference for me. If she were to come to a site such as this one, or a site devoted to straight spouses of bisexuals, she would learn that she is not alone and that your sexual urges in no way affect the love and desire you have for her. As long as her mind is totally closed on the subject, she will never find herself capable of even beginning to understand and accept you. As for the concept that there may be more going on when she gets upset over the pool playing and such, if she is in fact dealing with issues of being overly needy and lacking self esteem, she may need to look inward a bit before relying on you to make her feel whole.

All being said, communication is the key and if counseling is an option, I strongly suggest that you two seek it. Not only is it helpful, but it is also very liberating to be able to speak honestly and openly while having someone there to make sure you are being heard and to make sure you are listening. I hope things do get better for you, Joe...and know that we are here for you should you need support in the interim.

Hugs,
Kate

[Mrs.F]

Joe, I'm sorry to hear that things didn't go over too well....but it's only the beginning. I am a straight wife of a bi man and have been married 13 yrs. I found out about my husband the hard way. He never cheated on me, but I caught him on "this" site and let me tell you how I felt finding out the way I did......I was scared, I was shocked, I was mortified that I was not enough for him and he was seeking another outlet. I felt I didn't even know the man I had been married to for 10 yrs. at that point. I felt he had lied to me and I was soooo soooo hurt. But I knew I was never going to get through it or even begin to understand anything about HIM, ME, our marriage or about bisexuality unless I made myself learn what it was all about. I've been in your wife's shoes as well as many others on this site that have come and gone or are still here. I do believe that offering this site to your wife would be a great idea. There are straight spouses on here that can help her, can make her feel reasured that she is NOT the only one nor will she be the only one to ever go through this. It was this site both bi men and straight wives who helped me to understand and he more I understood the more I felt closer to my husband and was able to understand him. It really helped me!

The road is a long one, one that can and will last the rest of your lives so it's easier to atleast try to understand than live in fear of something you know nothing about. I feel her pain..and I feel yours.

I wish you luck and hugs to both of you!

Mrs.F :angel:

[paddington]

Hi,we're at the start of really talking about all this.my husband has been understandably so shocked(i've felt that too myself),he's been worried i'd leave for the woman i was seeing.i told him everything at the end of last year,i had a bag packed in the car,i expected to be thrown out.his forgiveness,love and support continue to blow me away,he's been so kind and even though he's coping with all his own emotions-shock,fear,realising i'd been unfaithful(1st time in over 20 years of marriage)and i add the humiliation he's felt as my ex has made mine & her relationship so public(partly payback i think because i didn't want to leave my husband and live with her& partly she used me to "come out"). he said it would have been easier if it'd been a man.it's also had a big impact on his confidence about his own body and ability to please me sexually.

at the start of this year he told me he wanted me,loved me still.i asked him to come to Relate with me,he really,really didn't want to,he felt it was airing our dirty laundry in public. i found it hard too,to bare my soul.there have been times where we've really thought we'd split up,we were hanging by a thread.BUT we are both positive Relate has helped us.we've had so many people locally snub us because of lies she's telling and half truths,it's been very hard so having someone from Relate to talk to has been a lifeline.instead of going home straight after the meeting we try and go for a pub meal so we can talk about the session before going home to the kids.sometimes we've sat in the pub close to tears hardly able to talk.

my husband has asked me alsorts of questions,some have been awful,but i've told him everything because if he heard it from me he felt i would be telling the truth.i didn't want "her" to be able to taunt him with anything & cause him more pain than he's already had to cope with.honesty however hard is the only way ahead even if you only take small steps.i don't know about everyone else but being honest with yourself is pretty HUGE too! even that takes courage!you have to be honest with yourself first and that's big.

if you're going into a gay bar- i understand it's only to relax, then the chances are that at some point you will meet someone you're attracted to.

take care

[Atopalonelystar]

Yes- I am in the same boat as u. I'm the female half and the bi one :)

I also have Lupus- so I understand ur frustration in that sense as well. Luckily, most times my symptoms are minimal until I come out of remission. Then it's pretty serious; however, I usually have several months between episodes.

My husband has always had a fear of my leaving him for a woman. I haven't been in a f-f relationship for several years. However, there have been a few times that I've met women with the idea of possible dating. Nothing ever panned out in that respect but it certainly makes him a bit nervous.

I would suggest, first to sit down with ur wife and talk to her and help calm her nervous. And if need be, do it every day to reassure her. The sec. is speak with ur Dr. and explain about ur low libido- There are many different avenues to take to increase ur libido to a healthy level.

Marriage or any relationship can not survive without 3 very important aspects: communication, romance AND sex! Sex is equally important as physical and mental health! Sex, just like food, exersize, or other things we may enjoy increase endorphines..These are the "feel good" hormones our bodies produce when we enjoy something. Having a healthy sex life can help maintain regular endorphine levels; thus, lowering other hormones levels responsible for depression.

The best step is to take the first step- She's frightened. Communicate with her-

Show her by romancing her- take the time and effort to relax her, give her a great massage, in candle light, romantic music, whatever it is she finds romantic.

Finally- sex! If ur not able to perform, at least take care of her needs. U may find that by doing the first 2 things and taking care of her- u may feel more interest in the act of love making.

Doing this is going to help her find security in the relationship. Not having all THREE things will make anyone feel insecure- especially in you're particular situation being bi.

I hope this helps.

[_Joe_]

So my wife wants to kill me.

See, she finally found out the skivy on her two friends going through a seperation/marriage issues. We learend one was strong enough to do the righ thing, the other is stupid staying where she is and we lost some respect for her.

Anyhow, I asked her yesterday morning if she has anymore friends at work that are "normal" or doing good. she said as far as she knows, everyone else is.

She came home saying I jinxed it.

Another friend of hers invited her to lunch just to talk...turned out she also wanted to unload some stuff on her chest. Married 29 years - and they haven't had sex in 8 years and they are just roommates and shes ready to leave him.

The fact everyones splitting up make her even more paranoid now who's next (like its me leaving). But I assured her I'm not going anywhere, and thanks to my medical issues I'm too tired after 2pm to do anything and too busy in the morning to think of leaving. ><

[gfofbiguy]

Would it maybe help if your wife accompanied you to your doctor's appointment and you sat down with your doctor and your wife and explained to your doctor that you are having these problems with your sex-drive from your medications and ask what can be done to fix that - so that she (your wife) can hear you trying to get the medical issues fixed? Just thinking out loud....

[_Joe_]

oh my wife is wellversed in side effects of Anti Depressents, we are on total understanding there's a lower sex drive than there used to be.

[DiamondDog]

What would happen if you told your wife that you go to a gay bar?

[Randypan]

Hey, Joe....so yeah, I feel where you are coming from.
Firstly, I am the female half of Randypan ('and the Amazon Temptress' would have been to long of a name :tong:)
I have always been bi, and I knew 'he' was bi-curious....well, that was inaccurate as it turns out. He too has been strugling with emotional health issues, partly because he was never honest with me about his past sexual experiences.
He finally was able to 'come clean' with me several months ago. And even though I am bi, I was shocked and confused by his admission that he has actually been with many men, all-be-it before we even met.
It really knocked me for a loop! I just couldn't believe that he had kept it from me...there were so many times he could have told me and even he doesn't really understand why he didn't.
AND I even had nagging thoughts that I wasn't 'enough' for him and that he would wander off on me! Totally unfounded and kinda bizarre that *I* would think these things and yet, there ya go.
I am the one who went on the internet to find support, and after encountering a couple of truly scary sites written by jilted ex-wives I found this site. Thank Heavens!

As for your wife... (armchair analysis) she sounds like she has more issues than love-lorn friends and a bi husband. It is a time honored axiom that people are that worried about cheatin' and leavin' have had it on their own minds for some time. Pick up any Dear Abby and you see it over and over again. I could be way way off base here, but you might start the next conversation with some questions of your own. OR not...do what you think is best. I hope your situation can improve, my thoughts are with you,
Randypan's wife.

[shybipinay]

Read the whole thread. Lots of good info and advice here, but only one mention of the AD med being a trial and error process.

From our experience, get off the prescription meds. Go to natural therapy methods. I use St. John's Wort for my depression. Works just fine and no side effects like loss of sex drive. 420 works well too and actually works ot increase sex drive.

For more info on prescription meds, childhood vaccinations, and other diseases we are suffering today, read "The Medical Mafia" by Doctor Guylaine Lanctot.

Definitely try the natural therapy methods as you research what works best for you. Keep slugging away as you've definitely got alot of support here.

[_Joe_]

So what happened with all of this? Is your wife accepting of you?

It took me awhile to reply, as if you didn't notice I made this post on :

Oct 30, 2008 , 10:17 PM

Time has passed.

I'm personally only on Crohn's medications, and totally finished off my AD's months ago. I've also become nearly obsessed with working out every night, as Crohns & Crohns medications have a nasty side effect of making me very, VERY drowsy come 1-2pm in the afternoon, so I'm trying to increase my metabolism and what not through exercise. It's working, plus I'm losing some weight that I abnormally have held when 95% of other crohns sufferers have trouble gaining weight (I like to be different)

My wife can not get off her meds, it isn't simply AD's, but she is diagnosed with Bipolar II and things get very ugly with her without. I have a stab wound in my hand, and she's been afraid of how close she got to suicide a few times. Folks familiar with Bipolar I or II know that without the right help suicide and other nasty things are very similar, the only problem is that society still generally looks at mental disorders as fairy's and unicorns - it doesn't exist. And anyone here that likes to argue that it's all hocus pocus should remember that there's people that also argue that being gay or bisexual is a choice instead of written in our DNA or brain-chemicals.

Anyhoot, I digress.

Since I quit the ADs my sex drive went through the roof. I'm constantly in the mood, however the missus isn't due to her meds. Still, I'm faithful and loyal to her, and despite what folks think I do here on the forums, chat, or whatever I keep staying loyal. And it takes a lot of strength, believe me! Anyhow she still accepts me, and I finally drilled through her head the chances of me fucking another man behind her back are exactly the same as me being straight and fucking another woman behind her back. I think she finally sees that point of view and is better.

I hope I answered the question..if not then feel free to hit me up and chat sometime.