Polyamory to bisexual swinging...a good thing?

[Starra]

Here's the story:

I recently broke up with my girlfriend. She hurt me deeply and betrayed my trust in her. After 8 years of having relationships with women, i decided that i could not go on having polyamorous relationships, because i am sick of the pain it causes for both me and my husband when it ends. So, since my hubby and i are both bisexual, we came to a decision. Whilst this can be a controversial subject, i think me and my hubby have come to a decision about the possibility of looking into some form of bisexual swinging. Let me explain further: -

~ I feel strongly that i don't want an actual and separate relationship with a woman anymore.

~ We have been toying with the idea of 'group fun' for some time. There have been some things that have happened in the past, both with a few of my girlfriends, and with his boyfriend back in 2000. We enjoyed them immensly and had hoped for something to happen with my (now ex) girlfriend and her boyfriend, since all four of us were bisexual.

~ We have our own boundaries regarding swapping partners in terms of opposing genders, and are both in full agreement.

~ We would essentially be looking for another bi couple, so both myself and my husband could experience same gendered sexual fun.

~ We also would hope to become friends with a couple, and it lead off from there, as opposed to sleeping with random people. This means that i would have the chance to experience the close friendship with the female that i so desire...kind of like FWB i guess. My husband has said that he'd be open to the same with a man.

~ It's possible, if we met the right couple, that over time love could develop. That is something i have considered. I think that it would be in very different circumstances to that which i have done before and this combats my now morbid fear of being hurt and betrayed.

~ We are both aware that we could feel just as let down, disappointed, hurt etc by a couple, but with both of us involved in the situation, it means that we could support each other. Not only that, with the idea of FWB in a group dynamic situation, we feel that it would release the pressure for me to 'find the one'.

~ I have expressed the fact that i have been wondering just what part of my relationships with women i enjoy the most. Truth be told i think it's the emotional part rather than sexual. Not to say that i don't enjoy sleeping with a girlfriend, but i find that i enjoy the holding hands, kissing, caring and spending quality time with my girlfriends. This is probably why i never pushed it too much when i noticed i was having little sex with my ex. However, i really really questioned myself as to why i wasn't so fussed about sex with a woman. I think, in all honesty, that i have enjoyed the times more when my husband has ended up being involved. The emotional connection of being with a woman could come from a close friendship with the couple we meet.

~ I consider it important to let people know that this has been a mutual decision. It's not like my hubby has made demands or anything. I also don't want people to think that i see women as only sex now. Far from it. I love women. But sadly i am now beginning to hate them in equal measure. I don't want this to consume my bisexuality to the point where i no longer want women in my life, therefore this less emotional and more sexual angle might just be the antedote to my problems.

~ We still consider ourselves polyamorous. Both still very open to relationships with same gender. However, i think i would prefer to take a leaf out of my husband's book and stop looking for the one. It's entirely possible that the one could be someone i meet and fall in love with during this change of direction.

~ Finally we've discussed my tendancy towards being very intense. It often scares my girlfriends away, not to mention the fact that i get so much more hurt when it does end. So we think that this angle will leave little room for my intense nature to come to the fore.


One thing i am so afraid of is for people to think i'm a hypocrite. I have always been vocal on the subject of threesomes. We are not interested in being that now infamous couple who seeks a single woman for a threesome. Actually we don't want to do it at all unless it's another couple, and preferably a bi couple. The FWB scenario is looking like the best thing for us both. We don't think it will come to us easy and are prepared for the fact that we might be looking for some time. After all finding another couple like us has only come once, back in 2000. I really thought my recent ex girlfriend and her partner could be the ones where we explored that. Me and her discussed it in the early days. But sadly she seemed incapable of getting up the courage to talk to her boyfriend about it and as time passed it became apparent that she might have led me on a bit about it.

I just realised that i can't completely give up on the whole poly thing. My yearning for female company is such a strong pull, which is why i keep going back to relationships - even though i've been hurt so deeply many times before. Each time it goes wrong i tell my husband i won't do it again. I can't seek relationships with women anymore, so i say. Of course a week or so passes and back i am again, on the dating sites chatting to prospective women. It's kind of like when you get really drunk and feel hungover the next day. You say "Nope i'm not doing this again" but we always do. Same thing. I know it's getting bad for me but i can't help but continue on. So this is a good thing for me. It means that i'm not giving up on women, but i'm doing so with a sense of maturity about how loving women makes me feel when it falls apart. I'm essentially protecting myself from that possible pain.

The thing is that i'm uncomfortable with being considered a 'swinger'. I think that's why i've not really pursued what we're looking for with much vigour so far. We are not and never will be, swingers. We are just a couple, who are both bi, who have enjoyed the company of more than just us two in our bed before. We don't feel that this can be considered 'swinging'. To us, it's having some fun with friends, or should i say, in the past it was having fun with my girlfriend and his boyfriend. So this is the sticking point. I really think that an adult dating site is not where we fit. For one, i refuse to post explicit pictures of us and we stick out like a sore thumb with our very general face photos on the one site we're registered to. For another, the couples we've spoken to thus far have seemed more interested in what we want to do sexually than in finding any kind of other connections.

So where do we go? How do we fit into anywhere? Are we being realistic? And where in the hell do all the people from the UK go for this sort of thing?

[muzhroom]

I am glad you are "sick" of the pain it is causing your husband. Why would you go and fall in love with or get romanticaly involved with someone you are having sex on the side with? Your love should be for the one you chose to marry.

Swinging has nothing to do with Love or romance, you love the one you are in a relationship with.

Swinging is about fucking, licking sucking and group sex and casual friendships. You really need to rethink your goals here and consider your husband's feelings. You need to keep your heart for your spouse because if you are not that is when you are truly cheating.

Let me put it to you this way, if you go into the swinging scene with this attitude about love and all that nonsense you are in for a world of hurting.

Good luck!

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

lol I totally understand your confusion, Hon. I am a Lifestyler, meaning that I am in the Swingers Lifestyle. Being a swinger can afford you both all kinds of opportunities to find bi partners and to be able to form a good Bi FWB relationship. Go on line and see out Swinger's group close to you and go to one of the parties. Place an ad stating what you are looking for and go for it. Experiment around and go to perhaps a couple of different parties to see who all is out there. Start by meeting the People first though. Dont go into it Just looking for sex, make friends first, people that you feel you can trust and whom you will be attracted to. Then if all is right, go for it! :}
And, dont forget to place an ad on Here too. We have several members from the UK that pop into chat all the time looking for lovers.
Good luck and have a fabulous time.
Cat ;)

[Starra]

I am glad you are "sick" of the pain it is causing your husband. Why would you go and fall in love with or get romanticaly involved with someone you are having sex on the side with? Your love should be for the one you chose to marry.

Swinging has nothing to do with Love or romance, you love the one you are in a relationship with.

Swinging is about fucking, licking sucking and group sex and casual friendships. You really need to rethink your goals here and consider your husband's feelings. You need to keep your heart for your spouse because if you are not that is when you are truly cheating.

Let me put it to you this way, if you go into the swinging scene with this attitude about love and all that nonsense you are in for a world of hurting.

Good luck!

What a ridiculously ignorant thing to say. You know absolutely nothing about my husband. Not that you deserve my explanations but actually my husband is 100% FINE with me loving another person. And FYI, i have NEVER had sex with anyone 'on the side'. They are not affairs. Maybe you should keep your bigoted opinions to yourself.

[Starra]

Actually i've just been and read your respose to someone else who is considering a poly relationship and i realise now that you have a 'problem' with them. What is this based on? Hmm, seems to be ONE friend's situation which turned very sour. FACT: The actions of others cannot be used to judge everybody else's actions. Ipso facto - What happened to your friend does not happen with everybody, hell not even most.

I am part of a bi women's forum. I have been there for three years. I'd say around 3/4 of the married women on there have poly relationships. They do so successfully. Loving someone besides your primary partner is not cheating, not if everyone is ok with it. Cheating can only ever be defined by the people involved IN a relationship, and most certainly not by society. Let's face it, society would view swinging and casual sexual relationships whilst with a partner as cheating, but is that true of the couples involved in it? No. They CHOOSE in their own relationship as to what they view as cheating, what their boundaries are.

Bisexual Polyamory is a lifestyle which is constantly being judged. Not just by those in the gay or straight communities, but by their 'fellow' bisexuals. Yet many of us bi's conduct non-monogamous lifestyles, whether that be as part of loving relationships, group activites or just plain flings 'on the side' (as you called it. So why judge any lifestyle? We're all very similar anyway.

My husband had close friendships with the women i have loved in my time. Perhaps this was the secret to our success in our poly marriage, who knows? What i do know is that he didn't welcome someone who doesn't know him at all telling ME off for his apparent pain. I never caused him pain. In fact, as he pointed out, my girlfriends have never caused him pain either. His pain is caused by watching me get hurt time and time again. He, like me, is tired of people letting me down. Women who claim that they want the same things as me and then quickly change tact after a couple of months, even weeks sometimes. He is tired of the constant fear of when it might end and we both lose a good friend as well as me losing a girlfriend. None of this has anything to do with me "keeping my heart from my husband". Actually, it's entirely the opposite. I have never loved him as much as when i have a girlfriend. I am always reminded of how much i love him because he supports me, understands me, gives me space when i need it, and spends time with me...with us...when he knows it is right. I am lucky. He is fantastic. But it goes both ways. He had a boyfriend too. He loved that guy and he had his heart broken too. Perhaps so much so that he never chose to let his heart love another man again.

My husband and i, we're equals. I noted that we both go through pain when i break up with a girlfriend. I noted that we both decided on a change of direction. I noted that we talk about everything to do with our life. I am NOT like your friend's ex. And actually, very few people are, certainly not women i've known in my three years on the bi women's forum. And that is why i took great exception to what you posted. Judging others is never going to be endearing, and i was and still am quite confused as to why you felt it needed to be said at all.

[still_shy]

I think it sounds that you and your husband have explored all possibilities together, openly and honestly. There is nothing wrong with what you're considering, as long as it works for you! I also had some of the same problem with having gf's and sexual relationships without my husband, who is not bi. We play together now, and it's great for us!

[curious44]

For what it's worth, here's our story. We have been married for 43 years. We were regular swingers from the late 70s through the early 90s and enjoyed every bit of it. We made many friends and a few are still close friends today. We never sought to have a separate romantic relationship with any of them and our regular swinger friends didn't either because we were all happily married in secure relationships and while we all loved being intimate with each other, our spouses were our only romantic interest. In fact, it was the strength of our marriages that made it possible for us to enjoy seeing our spouses experience sexual pleasure with someone else without jealousy or doubts. Not all couples can do this and we saw some break up because of it and in some cases wind up marrying some one they met while swinging. So for us, a secure, strong and loving relationship is a prerequisite to an enjoyable swinging experience. Only one good friend couple split during our swinging days.

[Starra]

I felt i needed to update on my situation, and ponderings.

There's a woman i'm talking to at the moment, whom i met via a thread i started on a swinging forum. She's part of a m/f couple and they're open to everything we are, which is great. It seems that her partner is possibly bi too, which would be handy. Funny thing is, that even though hubby and i are going into the idea of FWB with a couple, i'm finding that the emotions and excitement which often went with meeting a new potential girlfriend...well...it's the same thing going on here. Not just on my part either. This woman is also expressing that kind of excitement. So, it would appear that no matter what the situation, maybe this is what us women do. We don't just leave feelings at the door. It's a good thing to know, but it also fills me with dread. Yet again emotions come into play, feelings can get hurt etc etc. Friendship and sex, that's what hubby and i were looking to go for. Is this just friendship? The thing between me and her is already escalating beyond flirting to something more.

She has invited me and hubby to her birthday party in December. She told me that she'd understand if we can't make it (we're so skint at the mo) but she has made it clear that she would 'love' it if we could go. Then there's the banter we've had, back and forth. No sex talk, no one bit. Just what i wanted, as i was already growing tired of talking to couples where all they wanted to know was what we did in bed. But without the sex talk, and with talk of other attractions, bonding if you will, well how different is this to what i've been doing before in poly relationships? Strange really. It's what i wanted, and is still what i want, but it's also made me question just how little hubby and i will have changed our lifestyle. Polyamory in terms of couples being involved with couples (and i've been to a few poly forums, it's often what happens, as a quad) is not a great amount different to swinging. Certainly not if the two couples wish to be 'exclusive' to each other. Friendship + sex...could this end up = Love?

It seems that despite my best efforts, i might just be swapping one form of love for another. And with love you get trust, loyalty, commitment. All of the things that i've been hurt by before. I have to be strong enough to accept the possibility of love, no matter what kind, and all that might come with it (including the painful parts) because hubby and i do not want no-strings sexual connections with random couples. This change of direction is opening my eyes, forcing me to accept that love cannot always be avoided. I will always stand to get hurt in any relationship i have, but that's the chance a person has to take in order to be happy.

[muzhroom]

Actually i've just been and read your respose to someone else who is considering a poly relationship and i realise now that you have a 'problem' with them. What is this based on? Hmm, seems to be ONE friend's situation which turned very sour. FACT: The actions of others cannot be used to judge everybody else's actions. Ipso facto - What happened to your friend does not happen with everybody, hell not even most.

I am part of a bi women's forum. I have been there for three years. I'd say around 3/4 of the married women on there have poly relationships. They do so successfully. Loving someone besides your primary partner is not cheating, not if everyone is ok with it. Cheating can only ever be defined by the people involved IN a relationship, and most certainly not by society. Let's face it, society would view swinging and casual sexual relationships whilst with a partner as cheating, but is that true of the couples involved in it? No. They CHOOSE in their own relationship as to what they view as cheating, what their boundaries are.

Bisexual Polyamory is a lifestyle which is constantly being judged. Not just by those in the gay or straight communities, but by their 'fellow' bisexuals. Yet many of us bi's conduct non-monogamous lifestyles, whether that be as part of loving relationships, group activites or just plain flings 'on the side' (as you called it. So why judge any lifestyle? We're all very similar anyway.

My husband had close friendships with the women i have loved in my time. Perhaps this was the secret to our success in our poly marriage, who knows? What i do know is that he didn't welcome someone who doesn't know him at all telling ME off for his apparent pain. I never caused him pain. In fact, as he pointed out, my girlfriends have never caused him pain either. His pain is caused by watching me get hurt time and time again. He, like me, is tired of people letting me down. Women who claim that they want the same things as me and then quickly change tact after a couple of months, even weeks sometimes. He is tired of the constant fear of when it might end and we both lose a good friend as well as me losing a girlfriend. None of this has anything to do with me "keeping my heart from my husband". Actually, it's entirely the opposite. I have never loved him as much as when i have a girlfriend. I am always reminded of how much i love him because he supports me, understands me, gives me space when i need it, and spends time with me...with us...when he knows it is right. I am lucky. He is fantastic. But it goes both ways. He had a boyfriend too. He loved that guy and he had his heart broken too. Perhaps so much so that he never chose to let his heart love another man again.

My husband and i, we're equals. I noted that we both go through pain when i break up with a girlfriend. I noted that we both decided on a change of direction. I noted that we talk about everything to do with our life. I am NOT like your friend's ex. And actually, very few people are, certainly not women i've known in my three years on the bi women's forum. And that is why i took great exception to what you posted. Judging others is never going to be endearing, and i was and still am quite confused as to why you felt it needed to be said at all.

Lots of anger in your post. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings.
There is no room in the swinging scene for silly puppy love. We have been swinging for the last 9 years and I can assure you swingers are not interested in this sorts of nonsense. I was just trying to warn you that you will get hurt bad if you start this love and passion crap at swinger parties.
Since you are ok with you loving another person while being married, would it be ok for your hubby to fall in love with another woman? While he still loved you ofcourse. After all his heart might be captured by a woman and not another man, since its ok for you to love another, is it ok for him too? People get stuck in really bad situtations all the time and out of fear of the unknown or fear of losing the person they have, they may put up with whatever and go along and appease just not to be alone! I hope that is not the case with your husband :(

[csrakate]

Agreed.

Swinging and open relationships or what people call "polyamory" are just all about getting your nut!
While "polyamory" relationships are not my cup of tea personally, I don't think it's fair to lump those involved in such a lifestyle into a category of getting one's "nut". If a couple has made the mutual decision to live their lives in such a manner, it is a decision that they have made together, and very often involves so much more than just sex. To each his own, and far be it from any of us to judge such things so harshly.

[muzhroom]

While "polyamory" relationships are not my cup of tea personally, I don't think it's fair to lump those involved in such a lifestyle into a category of getting one's "nut". If a couple has made the mutual decision to live their lives in such a manner, it is a decision that they have made together, and very often involves so much more than just sex. To each his own, and far be it from any of us to judge such things so harshly.

I honestly don't see how the husband in this situation is not getting totaly shafted. Mutual is when it goes both ways but from what I am reading in this woman's posts its her way or the highway! Just because the guy is beaten into submission and going along does not make it right or mutual.
The threat of loneliness is a lethal weapon that should not be under estimated and some people are masters at using such a weapon.

[csrakate]

I honestly don't see how the husband in this situation is not getting totaly shafted. Mutual is when it goes both ways but from what I am reading in this woman's posts its her way or the highway! Just because the guy is beaten into submission and going along does not make it right or mutual.
The threat of loneliness is a lethal weapon that should not be under estimated and some people are masters at using such a weapon.
I honestly wasn't addressing the particulars of the OP when I responded to the other post....I was mostly addressing his blanket statement about all people who choose this lifestyle. You may have some very valid points indeed...but I mostly objected to WhipHandleUpTheAss's way of stating that ALL such things are how he sees them...that's all. And to be quite honest, with a name like his, I strongly suspect the poster I addressed is our troll....it's something that he continues to post ad nauseum....just couldn't let it pass again without a comment. My apologies if you thought my comments were directed at you.

[csrakate]

Damn you're getting lazy, dear troll...still repeating the same old shit but just with another name....twice in one night......first you got a whip handle in your ass and now you are black and angry......give us a break!

[Starra]

Lots of anger in your post. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings.
There is no room in the swinging scene for silly puppy love. We have been swinging for the last 9 years and I can assure you swingers are not interested in this sorts of nonsense. I was just trying to warn you that you will get hurt bad if you start this love and passion crap at swinger parties.
Since you are ok with you loving another person while being married, would it be ok for your hubby to fall in love with another woman? While he still loved you ofcourse. After all his heart might be captured by a woman and not another man, since its ok for you to love another, is it ok for him too? People get stuck in really bad situtations all the time and out of fear of the unknown or fear of losing the person they have, they may put up with whatever and go along and appease just not to be alone! I hope that is not the case with your husband :(


I am open to loving another woman...he is open to loving another man. this is fair and equal. I would never accept him falling in love with a woman, nor he with me and a man. Simple fact is that we are bi and are happy for each other to explore our sexuality (and all that comes with it) whilst in our marriage. So no, he cannot love a woman. You can go on making assumptions about my husband. No, he is not appeasing me.

Oh and as for 'puppy love', 'love and passion crap'...wow, you really have a way with words don't you?! I have never experienced "puppy love" whilst in a relationships with a woman. And actually, i've noted that there are a lot of couples who move from swinging into polyamory purely on the basis that they have experienced and enjoyed the loving connections they have made. So actually, yes there IS room for love and passion 'crap'. Incidentally, we're never going to go to swinging parties. We want to meet ONE bi couple for a FWB situation. That means that love could likely happen over time, and that is all that i was saying. I'm sure there is very little room for love in swinging parties, but once again you made an assumption.

Also, anger in my post? Well perhaps if you'd just offered advice for how to find people like us, instead of passing judgement on us, then you might have seen a lot less anger!!!

[Starra]

I honestly don't see how the husband in this situation is not getting totaly shafted. Mutual is when it goes both ways but from what I am reading in this woman's posts its her way or the highway! Just because the guy is beaten into submission and going along does not make it right or mutual.
The threat of loneliness is a lethal weapon that should not be under estimated and some people are masters at using such a weapon.

Are YOU efffing stupid?!!!!

My husband is also bisexual. Everything i have in a poly relationship...so does he. You really are a frigging moron.

But just to reitterate for the ignorant one: My husband is bi. We had a polyamorous relationship whereby he could be involved with men, me with women. He chose not to have relationships with men again after his first boyfriend because they "took up too much of his time" and so had more casual relationships with men i.e. flings. I, however, preferred having meaningful relationships with women, as opposed to one-night stands, and had a few girlfriends since 2000. Then, this year i got hurt twice. Once by a girlfriend back in May and then again this month. I grew tired of the pain it was causing me, and realised that i am too intense when it comes to my relationships. So hubby and i discussed it. No beatings into submission, no threats. Just good ol' fashioned communication. And we decided that we would like to continue our poly relationship in a more casual way. Thus, the bisexual swinging. Both of the couple we meet as bi, and we all get to enjoy everything. We also agreed that we only wanted it to be with one couple, not swinging parties or meeting multiple couples, and finally accepted that emotions could indeed develop this wa too. But we have been totally above board with each other and discussed everything.

Ya know, the more i think about it, the more i wonder if muzhroom is just upset that i'm not living a patriarchal order. Like it's been accepted in the past that women do what the men want and are submissive to the male-dominated world. Interesting that you think that what my hubby and i are doing is against my husband's wishes, but if the shoe were on the other foot and it were a man posting about this...i wager you wouldn't think the woman was put upon.

Now this is the final time muzhroom....please get out of my thread. You've changed and twisted the actual subject beyond recognition. I am having to explain and defend myself, when i merely asked for advice on something and frankly, it seems that you have a pre-disposed feeling on this subject anyway, so you would be biased. So please...let this go and allow my thread to return to what i wanted it to be about.

[onewhocares]

While I am not sure if this keeps with the theme of the origional thread, I would like to offer some thoughts......

We came to this site over three years ago looking for one thing...to find a man for hubby...I really was not sure what role I would have. Over time I became involved with hubby and a lover. During the course of our nearly two year relationship with him hubby fell in love with him. I guess a part of me did too. Yes it can happen. Was I upset...no not really for I knew that in order for my husband to be happy, I could not stand in his way for whom he falls in love with.

My personal experiance while not exact in nature is similar. I have had the pleasure to be involved with two people on my own. The friendship with the first changed from lovers to most extraordinary friends and while I did not fall in love with him, I love him dearly. He broke my heart but that did not stop me from moving forward. For what I gained from the hurt and the pain was that I have the great joy of knowing a wonderful person.

When the time came to move forward in a different direction, I guess I never really considered not moving ahead because there was a chance I could get hurt. So forward I went and as luck would have it...yes I had the pleasure to meet another fine man. I knew going into it I had to let nature take its course. We are great friends and yes a part of me loves him. But I am not in love with him.

I guess I am a woman who believes that she has the capacity to love many people and would never let the fear of loving them stand in the way of getting involved. For if I were scared of that...I never would have met the most wonderful people I have.

Just a few thoughts.

Belle

[csrakate]

Starra,
The more you post the more it becomes apparent that you do truly love your husband and that the love you feel for others is something that has caused you some personal pain, but it in no way has affected the love you feel for your spouse. I think that is the part that might be causing some consternation for some...that they cannot conceive your ability to love more than one...but THAT is not your problem and I wouldn't give it another second of thought. I do believe that it is very possible to love more than one without it diminishing the love you have for your husband and as long as the two of you are on the same page as to your lifestyle and your extra relationships, then it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things how one might view your marriage. Follow your heart but do remember how doing so might affect your heart....if you feel you are going to be constantly feeling the pain from loving another, then perhaps it would be best to seek another avenue that might lessen the chances of that pain. You have a very loving and understanding spouse and I applaud the two of you for being so able to keep the communication open and the love so alive. Good luck to you both.

Hugs,
Kate

[vittoria]

(Sirens in the distance)

"Hi, this is Officer B. Strange, of the Troll Patrol... is there a problem here ma'am?" ;)



Lots of anger in your post. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings.
There is no room in the swinging scene for silly puppy love. We have been swinging for the last 9 years and I can assure you swingers are not interested in this sorts of nonsense. I was just trying to warn you that you will get hurt bad if you start this love and passion crap at swinger parties.
Since you are ok with you loving another person while being married, would it be ok for your hubby to fall in love with another woman? While he still loved you ofcourse. After all his heart might be captured by a woman and not another man, since its ok for you to love another, is it ok for him too? People get stuck in really bad situtations all the time and out of fear of the unknown or fear of losing the person they have, they may put up with whatever and go along and appease just not to be alone! I hope that is not the case with your husband :(

[muzhroom]

(Sirens in the distance)

"Hi, this is Officer B. Strange, of the Troll Patrol... is there a problem here ma'am?" ;)

Oh I see! So if anyone disagrees with a notion on these forums you immidiately label them as trolls?

[muzhroom]

Are YOU efffing stupid?!!!!

My husband is also bisexual. Everything i have in a poly relationship...so does he. You really are a frigging moron.

But just to reitterate for the ignorant one: My husband is bi. We had a polyamorous relationship whereby he could be involved with men, me with women. He chose not to have relationships with men again after his first boyfriend because they "took up too much of his time" and so had more casual relationships with men i.e. flings. I, however, preferred having meaningful relationships with women, as opposed to one-night stands, and had a few girlfriends since 2000. Then, this year i got hurt twice. Once by a girlfriend back in May and then again this month. I grew tired of the pain it was causing me, and realised that i am too intense when it comes to my relationships. So hubby and i discussed it. No beatings into submission, no threats. Just good ol' fashioned communication. And we decided that we would like to continue our poly relationship in a more casual way. Thus, the bisexual swinging. Both of the couple we meet as bi, and we all get to enjoy everything. We also agreed that we only wanted it to be with one couple, not swinging parties or meeting multiple couples, and finally accepted that emotions could indeed develop this wa too. But we have been totally above board with each other and discussed everything.

Ya know, the more i think about it, the more i wonder if muzhroom is just upset that i'm not living a patriarchal order. Like it's been accepted in the past that women do what the men want and are submissive to the male-dominated world. Interesting that you think that what my hubby and i are doing is against my husband's wishes, but if the shoe were on the other foot and it were a man posting about this...i wager you wouldn't think the woman was put upon.

Now this is the final time muzhroom....please get out of my thread. You've changed and twisted the actual subject beyond recognition. I am having to explain and defend myself, when i merely asked for advice on something and frankly, it seems that you have a pre-disposed feeling on this subject anyway, so you would be biased. So please...let this go and allow my thread to return to what i wanted it to be about.

Wow! nice name calling! Shows how much class you have (not). It is obvious from your angry responses things are not quite as smooth as you are making them out to be with your spouse. Your instant unreasonable angry lashing proves my point. None of us here came into your house and intruded on your life, you came here and posted your (in my opinion) abusred notions and we responded with our opinions. If you don't want people to give you their opinions you should not be posting on a forum asking for them. Either way, I have given my 2 cents, feel free to try and insult me some more if it will help you vent about your failing marriage. :)

[Starra]

Oh I see! So if anyone disagrees with a notion on these forums you immidiately label them as trolls?

I don't know if vittoria agrees here, but i think trolls come in many forms. There are the obvious kind, such as the person who posted in here and had their posts removed, and then there are the others. These are the trolls whom revel in courting controversy where it isn't needed, by posting opinions in threads when it wasn't asked for. These trolls are much like emotionally abusive partners, in comparison to physically abusive partners. One is obvious and the law is able to deal with, the other is quite a lot more conspicuous. Sadly, for the most part, the latter (since there is very little in the way of true evidence) seems to 'get away' with hurting others. In this case, passing judgement on something they clearly know nothing about and continuing to do so even when asked to leave it alone. So yes muzhroom, you could be considered a troll.

Incidentally, there is a world of difference between disagreeing with a notion when asked for free and open debate on that notion, and doing so in a thread where a person simply asked for advice on something else.

[csrakate]

Oh I see! So if anyone disagrees with a notion on these forums you immidiately label them as trolls?

I don't believe anyone truly considers you a troll, but the fact that there was a fair amount of troll activity on this thread may lead one to think that maybe you are yet another one. The fact that you disagree with a notion is one thing, but to make assumptions and draw conclusions based on YOUR personal experience isn't exactly the way to influence people. There was no need for you to get combative with the OP....she was coming here for advice and you saw fit to give her your opinion of her marriage and basically called her husband a cuckold. While I appreciate your passion for getting your point across, it was a tad bit bold of you to make such assumptions based on how you perceived her post. Sometimes our personal experiences don't necessarily fit the situations of others and to push your point across so vehemently may have led some to consider you a troll.

[muzhroom]

So yes muzhroom, you could be considered a troll.



My appologies then, I will simply continue to read these forums and not post then.

[csrakate]

My appologies then, I will simply continue to read these forums and not post then.

That is certainly your option not to post, but I think you'd be far better served to accept a bit of constructive criticism and learn from the mistakes you made in this post. No one is asking for your silence....but perhaps you just need to learn how to approach a thread without such piss and vinegar that you mistake for passion for your beliefs. You can flame an idea all you wish, but when you resort to attacking the poster, you have stepped over the line.

[vittoria]

. You can flame an idea all you wish, but when you resort to attacking the poster, you have stepped over the line.


These are the trolls whom revel in courting controversy where it isn't needed, by posting opinions in threads when it wasn't asked for. These trolls are much like emotionally abusive partners, in comparison to physically abusive partners. One is obvious and the law is able to deal with, the other is quite a lot more conspicuous. Sadly, for the most part, the latter (since there is very little in the way of true evidence) seems to 'get away' with hurting others. In this case, passing judgement on something they clearly know nothing about and continuing to do so even when asked to leave it alone.

Verily.

[Starra]

Wow! nice name calling! Shows how much class you have (not). It is obvious from your angry responses things are not quite as smooth as you are making them out to be with your spouse. Your instant unreasonable angry lashing proves my point. None of us here came into your house and intruded on your life, you came here and posted your (in my opinion) abusred notions and we responded with our opinions. If you don't want people to give you their opinions you should not be posting on a forum asking for them. Either way, I have given my 2 cents, feel free to try and insult me some more if it will help you vent about your failing marriage. :)

Failing marriage eh? Never have i laughed so hard at another person. Try 10 years of blissfully happy marriage and a total of 15 years together as a couple. 11 years of which he has known and accepted my sexuality. My angry responses were nothing to do with things not being so smooth with my hubby, but with you. You, whom seem so intent on telling me how MY marriage should work. You, whom have appointed yourself judge and juror of all things poly related. You, whom have crashed into my thread asking about swinging, and have insulted my marriage when it was never asked for, or needed.

And that is my point. Go back to my initial post. Did i ask anyone what they thought of polyamory? Or my marriage? Nope. I asked where i might find other bi couples open to swinging. I asked if what we were looking for (in terms of swinging) was unrealistic. Did that mention poly life? Nope. I mentioned my girlfriends in passing, as an explanation as to how me and my hubby had come to this point. So NO i did NOT ask for opinions on polyamory. Absolutely not. But you posted yours anyway. Then you wonder why i migt be annoyed at that intrusion?! Pah, now that IS troll-like.

Actually i'm wondering why i even responded to your first post. It was considerably offensive and incredibly judgemental. Normally, i would just laugh at the idiocy of such a post and move on. Perhaps if i'd done that you would have left me and this thread alone. Who knows? Sadly now i have indulged you in your so-called '2 cents'. Now you have made further assumptions about my life. According to you, not only is my husband at the mercy of my tyrannical ultimatums and therefore cuckolded by me, but my marriage is not so smooth and is failing. Maybe, just for one second, you should consider that you aren't God. Maybe, just maybe, you are incapable of knowing what everyone else's relationships are like. And maybe if you actually had considered that before you pushed your hateful agenda onto this thread, then you would find yourself more welcomed in your opinions.

[vittoria]

Failing marriage eh? Never have i laughed so hard at another person. Try 10 years of blissfully happy marriage and a total of 15 years together as a couple. 11 years of which he has known and accepted my sexuality. My angry responses were nothing to do with things not being so smooth with my hubby, but with you. You, whom seem so intent on telling me how MY marriage should work. You, whom have appointed yourself judge and juror of all things poly related. You, whom have crashed into my thread asking about swinging, and have insulted my marriage when it was never asked for, or needed.

And that is my point. Go back to my initial post. Did i ask anyone what they thought of polyamory? Or my marriage? Nope. I asked where i might find other bi couples open to swinging. I asked if what we were looking for (in terms of swinging) was unrealistic. Did that mention poly life? Nope. I mentioned my girlfriends in passing, as an explanation as to how me and my hubby had come to this point. So NO i did NOT ask for opinions on polyamory. Absolutely not. But you posted yours anyway. Then you wonder why i migt be annoyed at that intrusion?! Pah, now that IS troll-like.

Actually i'm wondering why i even responded to your first post. It was considerably offensive and incredibly judgemental. Normally, i would just laugh at the idiocy of such a post and move on. Perhaps if i'd done that you would have left me and this thread alone. Who knows? Sadly now i have indulged you in your so-called '2 cents'. Now you have made further assumptions about my life. According to you, not only is my husband at the mercy of my tyrannical ultimatums and therefore cuckolded by me, but my marriage is not so smooth and is failing. Maybe, just for one second, you should consider that you aren't God. Maybe, just maybe, you are incapable of knowing what everyone else's relationships are like. And maybe if you actually had considered that before you pushed your hateful agenda onto this thread, then you would find yourself more welcomed in your opinions.

:eek:

back to the topic at hand

damn girl, wish you werent in the UK :)

BTW, me and my bf are in a similar predicament--its just that there seems to be NO serious bi couples around. AT ALL. we look for them (in vain), ask for them, hell even message them, but they are for some reason scarce.
we dont have any ex relationships similar, however, but have willingly acknowledged our wants/needs/desires and accepted them... but no luck yet.

i "grok" what you mean tho :)

[Starra]

Damn girl, i wish i wasn't in the UK too. Or you lived here. Life throws us a bone and it lives in a different country :banghead: