Exploring a polyamorous relationship

[Mr. X]

I am about to explore a polyamorous relationship with my bi–sexual wife of 2 years. Now I do not know if the word polyamorous fits by definition per say but if you kindly bare with me I would like to share what our relationship is today.

I am a heterosexual male who now understands the needs of my wife or I should be more honest, starting to understand. I came into our relationship knowing that she was bi-sexual but not allowing her to sleep with women. I was breaking her identity, not truly loving her completely for who she truly is. In fact I was threatened by it and our marriage almost ended due to my insecurities over her need for sexual contact with women.

I am in need of guidance and knowledge with managing this.

We have talked about this at length on how she wishes to proceed. She always has enjoyed performing oral sex on our women and she states that is her biggest need or perhaps her strongest desire. She states that there will never be, a per say relationship with them and that is reserved for me alone.

My wife is currently talking to another girl whom we work with. She has been very honest and respectful to this person and has set clear understanding and expectations. I have even emailed her stating that this does not interfere with our relationship. This has been in some ways a difficult road for me, but I do wish to grow and explore my own understanding of “self.”

I have not desires my self to take part in threesomes as I with to engage in sex with only my wife. I do wish to be able at some point be able take part in her sexual encounters with women. This is due in part of my wife’s desires to show me that I am the only emotional need she will ever need. I do not say that at this time I understand that but I trust her. She is very open on honest with her needs to me and I want nothing more for this to continue.

I am wrong in thinking that this can make our relationship stronger and our relationship with our self’s stronger? Agian I may have the title of this thread wrong but I do not know where else to go to share this. So I thank you for baring with me.

Please feel free to share your options with me whatever they are.

I am open.

[wikskul]

well, it is understandble that u should feel confused at this. it is one thing to understand but it can only be to a point. i am happy to see that u are excepting of this, and yes this can be a good thing for both of you. but you must understand befor eyou go into this, that you are who she wants, and loves, but something is missing. and it can make your relationship stronger, as long as the green eye monster is left outside never to come in. that is what can destroy a relationship in 0ne swoop.
i wish u all the luck and hope that things work out for you both.

[muzhroom]

I am not sure if a "relationship" would be a good thing. They can be friends and have as much sex as they want but she needs to remain in a relationship with you only.

I know a guy who lost his wife when she started a "relationship" with a girl who claimed to be "bi" but she was actualy a Lesbian and ended up stealing his wife.

My wife has several girlfriends she enjoys sex with but she does not have a "relationship" with any of them, they are friends with benefits, she never spends the night out with any of them or goes away with them and they are all married women with husbands who are open minded like me. It may seem like just a word "relationship" but words can lead to many misunderstandings. Why can't your wife play with bi married women? There are tons of them out there and many of them will play with other women without their husbands. Another thing, she really should not need to explain to you what her needs are as far as why she wants to fuck other women. Either accept her for what she is, a bi woman or you may make her miserable for the rest of her life. I am not sure if you are saying that you want to participate in her sex with other women, as in 3somes. I highly advise you not to push that and let her invite you when she is ready if she is ready. Do not make it a condition for her to have sex with other women that you are present or involved.

Good luck!

[Mr. X]

I thank you for your insight and responses. I look forward to share more as we move forward.

Thanks for your time in reading this and it was important to me to have people share their thoughts and concerns.

[firehouse]

Hey! I would like to let you know that i am in the same situation that you and your wife are in and that my fiance' is having is having the same feelings and questions that you are.....I am very attracted to women and at the same time i am attracted to men.....I have always perfered my constant relationship to be with a man.....he has all my love.....I have a very hard time trying to figure out how to make him more comfortable with the way I feel....he is somewhat understanding....he knows that is something that i feel that i need....and if he didn't try to understand that it would come between us at some point....not because i would want to lose him or choose one or the other but because it is something that i crave something that i have always wanted .....I have not ever been able to find another couple to discuss these things with to find more understanding.....i myself and confused most of the time about what to do........i said earlier that he has all my love....but with the woman that i am seeing now it is hard not to step over that line that has been drawn......i am very true to him and share my desires and needs with him.....I wish there was an easy answer to this kind of situation as to why your wife and myself feel this way but we do.....I still have many questions myself......

[void()]

Perhaps, I am odd.

Yes at times confusion exists. Love allows for it.

I guess odd is an understatement. Here I am an atheist referring you to read the book of Psalms.

See, this past weekend I met in person with someone dear. My wife met him too over dinner. She liked him and thought he was nice and cute. I do too.

She and I were married for five years before she decided we could be open. I honored our exclusiveness during that, out of love. Once we chose to be open, it took another decade to find my special guy.

Do I love them both? Without a doubt, yes I do and always shall.

My wife says he can take me out on another date any time he wants. He wants to, in his words, 'hang out and pal around' with her I. I suspect we all three will do that, too. It is a good thing when a wife and a boyfriend can be friends. At least until they start comparing notes on me, then someone may have to hope he can survive in the middle of the bed.

Does my wife support me? Yes she does. Although currently I bring in the stuff that pays the bills. But that's only money. No need to worry if you have it or don't.

Will my wife join in? I won't presume to answer for her. But so far as she indicates to me, presently that's not yet something she desires. And I'm alright with that. Shoot, she lets me love my guy and her too, no need to stand up in the boat.

So, yes there are times when it is difficult. Love allows for that. Love also requires being worth all the 'bad'. Everyone knows love is pure 'good'. And no, I'm not naive enough to not acknowledge 'bad' love. It does exist, as does the ever tricky 'good-bad' monsters out there.

But for the most part love is good. Yeah, odd is understatement and a half.

[wikskul]

Perhaps, I am odd.

Yes at times confusion exists. Love allows for it.

I guess odd is an understatement. Here I am an atheist referring you to read the book of Psalms.

See, this past weekend I met in person with someone dear. My wife met him too over dinner. She liked him and thought he was nice and cute. I do too.

She and I were married for five years before she decided we could be open. I honored our exclusiveness during that, out of love. Once we chose to be open, it took another decade to find my special guy.

Do I love them both? Without a doubt, yes I do and always shall.

My wife says he can take me out on another date any time he wants. He wants to, in his words, 'hang out and pal around' with her I. I suspect we all three will do that, too. It is a good thing when a wife and a boyfriend can be friends. At least until they start comparing notes on me, then someone may have to hope he can survive in the middle of the bed.

Does my wife support me? Yes she does. Although currently I bring in the stuff that pays the bills. But that's only money. No need to worry if you have it or don't.

Will my wife join in? I won't presume to answer for her. But so far as she indicates to me, presently that's not yet something she desires. And I'm alright with that. Shoot, she lets me love my guy and her too, no need to stand up in the boat.

So, yes there are times when it is difficult. Love allows for that. Love also requires being worth all the 'bad'. Everyone knows love is pure 'good'. And no, I'm not naive enough to not acknowledge 'bad' love. It does exist, as does the ever tricky 'good-bad' monsters out there.

But for the most part love is good. Yeah, odd is understatement and a half.

well put.. love is a strange thing.. if this is a risk u are willing to take.. take it...

[still_shy]

This is a subject I most certainly can comment on with experience.

Not quite a year ago, I opened up to my husband about my bisexuality. We decided that I would call the shots, so to speak. At the time, my desire to be with another woman was so strong I felt like I had to do it. He was perfectly ok with it, claimed it didn't bother him a bit...until I had a relationship with a lesbian woman who wanted absolutely nothing to do with him, not even as friends. As time went on and I ended it with her, I came to realize that nothing should stand in the way of my relationship with my husband. I love him dearly and it was pure selfishness that kept me going back to her. Since then, we've decided that any and all extramarital activities will we done together as a couple. This works for us, but may not be for everyone. It took us months and months of doing things wrong to figure it out. Relationships are unique in that you can't just say, "I think I'll be ok with this" and make it just so. You have to go through it and discover your boundaries. Only then can you really decide what's best for both of you. It's a very long difficult road to get to a point where you both are comfortable and satisfied, but if you love each other, it's well worth the journey. Good luck to you!

[Mr. X]

I cant even begin to say how much I appsheate all of you and the time you have taken to share parts of your lifes with me! All of you have allowed me to try to better understand the rejection I have started to feel. I cant help it, I am new to this and do not have the needed life skills to be 100% comfortable.

I have a long long way to go before I understand completely but I know in my heart and sole that one day I will, it will be a hard road for me.

I would like to bring up still_shy's comment:

and I qoute "I came to realize that nothing should stand in the way of my relationship with my husband." end qoute

She doesnt feel this way she states except this or we are done, but to be fair about that feeling she has. I wasnt willing to even let her explore this part of her till now and I must admit this is due mostly because she will leave me if I dont. However again I want to open my understanding of myself and our love and I cant stress the importance of that to me.

I feel strongly that all extramarital activities will be done together as a couple. But I know that I am not ready for that just yet, so do I need to let her take other women into our home and sleep with them in what I wanted to consider our bed?

The most important thing is our love! I will need to love this other part of her as well in order to love her fully the way a husband needs to. I will need to earn this respect back from her and I hope that doesnt take to long.

[csrakate]

The most important thing is our love! I will need to love this other part of her as well in order to love her fully the way a husband needs to. I will need to earn this respect back from her and I hope that doesnt take to long.

You need to earn back HER respect??? Respect is a two way street and for her to give you the "this way or the highway" ultimatum isn't showing much respect towards you or the love you have for her. I am the wife of a bisexual man and he has always understood that we BOTH need to feel comfortable about any situation before we take part in it. We haven't done so at this point, but I certainly love and respect him so much more for allowing me to progress and accept his sexuality at my own pace, and he also has a great deal of love and respect towards me for even trying. I think the two of you need to talk a bit more. It's not fair that you are expected to put aside your own feelings and fears in order to accommodate her sexual urges. Marriage isn't about caving in to the demands of one partner and it sounds as though you are trying to do just that even though it doesn't feel right for you at this time. Fear, shame and guilt should never be the reason why anyone has to do anything...it should be because it is mutually satisfying! Yes, you will need to love and accept this part of her and learn to accept her sexuality in order to sustain your love, but it shouldn't be at the cost of your own feelings and certainly not outside of your personal comfort zone.

Hugs,
Kate

[wikskul]

I am the Bi of my relationship.. and i will tell you i would NEVER say to him " you will let me have a woman or i will leave you" that is plain out Disrespectful to him. understanding.. and alowing this to happen without threats is one thnig.. but to say if it wont happen we are done is pretty much spitting on a relationship that the 2 of u were suppost to be building for these years. Love is one thing.... threats are not apart of love.
This is something that you should really sit down and think about if it is something YOU truely want.. do YOU want to let this happen, and are you ok with it... like 80-90% ok... if not then you and her really need to talk and tell her that you are not ok with this.. and the threats... that is just another form of blackmail... using your love for her to get what she wants.
I hope you find the answer you are seeking, good luk to you Mr.X

[void()]

"Kate is wise. Kate is good. Pay Kate homage." :bowdown: :bowdown: :bowdown:

She is right about ultimatums. I've only accepted and honored two given by the wife. And in both cases, they concerned issues we mutually agreed on.

Marriage is communication, compassion, and a pinch of compromise from both partners. Without communication there is no understanding. Take away compassion and cold apathy swallows you. No compromise and you lose variety, the spice of life.

But this is not to say there aren't waves on the sea of marriage. My wife and I disagree on the most silly things at times. And boy do we fight! We're both the "if they go silent, watch out" types, so our arguments consist of deafening silences.

Of course, she usually settles it with a rolling pin or cast iron skillet. (joking)

It's fine to disagree, and have arguments. If there were none then something would be direly amiss. Arguments involve communication, no arguments mean no communication. See above regarding understanding.

[elian]

Perhaps, I am odd.

Yes at times confusion exists. Love allows for it.

I guess odd is an understatement. Here I am an atheist referring you to read the book of Psalms.

See, this past weekend I met in person with someone dear. My wife met him too over dinner. She liked him and thought he was nice and cute. I do too.

She and I were married for five years before she decided we could be open. I honored our exclusiveness during that, out of love. Once we chose to be open, it took another decade to find my special guy.

Do I love them both? Without a doubt, yes I do and always shall.

My wife says he can take me out on another date any time he wants. He wants to, in his words, 'hang out and pal around' with her I. I suspect we all three will do that, too. It is a good thing when a wife and a boyfriend can be friends. At least until they start comparing notes on me, then someone may have to hope he can survive in the middle of the bed.

Does my wife support me? Yes she does. Although currently I bring in the stuff that pays the bills. But that's only money. No need to worry if you have it or don't.

Will my wife join in? I won't presume to answer for her. But so far as she indicates to me, presently that's not yet something she desires. And I'm alright with that. Shoot, she lets me love my guy and her too, no need to stand up in the boat.

So, yes there are times when it is difficult. Love allows for that. Love also requires being worth all the 'bad'. Everyone knows love is pure 'good'. And no, I'm not naive enough to not acknowledge 'bad' love. It does exist, as does the ever tricky 'good-bad' monsters out there.

But for the most part love is good. Yeah, odd is understatement and a half.

What Void and his wife have is something very special indeed, I would never want to take that away :)

Maybe I am on the wrong road asking to "pal around" with both of them but she seems like a wonderful person - natural inclination would be to try to deepen our friendship through shared experience..sexual connotations are not driving the majority of that desire for me - just knowing that he thinks the world of her, and that they are kind, loving, compassionate people is enough to want to spend time with them, share in return and get to know them better.

Sex itself is fleeting but love (grace, kindness, compassion, friendship, companionship?) - those things can endure.

Obviously Mr. X isn't there yet, those feelings are very understandable. Fundamentalists might flame me for saying this, but I think what you are doing is actually very courageous and loving in taking those first steps..as long as everyone communicates very clearly hopefully things will be alright.

[still_shy]

Kudos Kate, once again, you've said it better than I could ever dream of!!!

Threads like this one are the reason I am so proud to have found this site!

[void()]

"Maybe I am on the wrong road asking to "pal around" with both of them ..."

If you are then we'll all wind up in the same place, baby. I don't see how any place with you and my wife there would be horrible. Excuse my paraphrasing.

"Sex is fleeting but love endures."

I concur adding only the rest of an Italian adage used in a different context. The adage is, he who endures wins. There's no 'game' involved in our context,
yet we'll win and winning is good for anyone.

And I'm fairly sure Christy (actually her real name), will enjoy paling around. Though she keeps saying she doesn't want to go out in public with us. She mentions something about our mind being in the gutter or something. And yes I say mind, seems we share one at times. :) Love you honey.

[Just.Me]

"She doesnt feel this way she states except this or we are done, but to be fair about that feeling she has. I wasnt willing to even let her explore this part of her till now and I must admit this is due mostly because she will leave me if I dont."

I am the wife in question. I was going to leave this alone because I generally love the support he is getting from this site. It has been very honest and insightful but it can only be as honest as the information given. My husband held my bisexuality against me for the last two years. This included painful attempts to beat me down emotionally and with holding sex from me. When we started dating he voiced his concerns, and I heard them and decided to give up women for him without question, but as things got worse it got harder, but I still never strayed. My husband and I separated two weeks ago and he is just now telling me that my sexuality was why he treated me so badly and that he is sorry. I was not planning on giving him a second chance when I left him and told him that (due to the past pain) I am not willing to give up women again, he has to accept me and that means all of me or I am done. That may be an ultimatum but I think at this juncture it is what was needed. He and I have discussed this whole thing at great length and I am not going to cut it and run if he is uncomfortable with something I am doing. We will take baby steps into full acceptance, and that I am totally fine with.

I love my husband and want nothing more than to have him see all of me and find me as beautiful as he now finds part of me. He is a good man, he was just mistreated by women of his past in such an extreme way that it carried over onto us. It is not fair, but not everyone is fortunate enough to be able to leave all their past behind them. As of right now, we are staying separated by living separately but we spend a lot of time together and are now exploring our own sex life and discovering each other all over again. I want no negative feelings in what we are trying to do, that is why I had to respond to the misrepresentation of the ultimatum that I gave my husband. Things aren't that black and white, we now have everything shaded into a nice grey color that we are both comfortable with. :)

[Mr. X]

I have very happy that I have found this site and people who have experience with the different aspects of thier relationships. I cant not thank all of you enough for your efforts.

Another part of me that has helped destrory my self as a person and my wife's identity is my possessiveness of people I care about. I know now that insecruities and possessiveness are a very painful to her.

I want my understanding to grow and I want her to be as free with her self as she is with me. I need to stand up and face myself and know that I am good and excepting of myself, then I will be able to be the husband I should have always been.

I am truly lucky that I have her in my life still and it someways I have many of you to thank.

Mr. X

[still_shy]

I think you both are working hard towards a relationship that will fullfill both of you! In this day of divorce, we are taught that it's way easier to cut our losses and run, than it is to stay and work out sorting things out. It's great to see a couple who love each other work through their differences. You two have found one of the best online communities from which to seek help and advice. May you have many years of happiness together!

[innaminka]

I am the bi in my marriage.
Its a strong marriage built on trust, understanding and communication - 20 years. Our eldest daughter finished school yesterday - finished. (off the subject, sorry)
I think the key to our being able to be as we are is communication and trust.
I certainly have never given or received ultimatums - they have no place. (Except for putting out the garbage - real ultimatum territory :rolleyes:)

The long and short is that I am actively Bi - my husband knows and has done for over 10 years. It took a lot of pain and talking and tears on both our parts, but its now an unspoken part of our marriage.
My husband has no part and wants no active part of my other sexual side. Though he does respect and support me me in all aspects.
3'somes have never been remotely wanted.

Mr X - I think the key to your quandary is communication - as i think you are aware.
As to whether your wfe's (and your) actions will strengthen your relationship - no one can answer that, though, deep down, you will probably have a good idea. There is no "How-to" manual in this aspect of living.

Good luck.