Re-opening the EX-files

[badkitty87]

i'd really like to get other people's opinion on this: when is it ok to consider getting back to together with an ex?

is it a case of "it's called a break up 'cause it's broken" or do you think that two people who are right together can rekindle things at a different time?

[bamabiguy47]

There's a reason that they are "ex's". Remember why things ended. odds are, nothing's changed. That's not to say you shouldn't talk to the other person about it, just don't expect any miracles. Hard as it may be, sometimes the best thing to do is just let go and move on.:2cents:

[vittoria]

Dont do it... its a trap!

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Well my Hero, Maxine the Showbox lady says "Getting back together with an Ex is like throwing away a carton of milk then picking it up two days later to see if its any better" Words of wisdom.
Think and listen to your heart and mind before you do, darlin. I know of some cases where this works, and others where it was just rehashing disaster..
Cat.:2cents:

[shameless agitator]

I say if you can be friends with your ex, count yourself lucky and don't push it. I spent way too many years trying to patch things up with an ex. Sometimes we would make things work for a while, but it never lasted. Eventually all the old patterns start to re-emerge and all that ever really changes over the years is that you know more and more ways to really hurt each other.

[badkitty87]

sometimes being friends with an ex gets to the point where you actually can't see why you broke up in the first place. now without going back to the old patterns is it possible to take that friendship add the physical and maybe just possibly voila - romantic success??

just asking?

[Bluebiyou]

Sounds like most folks have had bad experiences.
I do know one couple that split, realized how 'in love' they were, got back together, and lived happily ever after. This is generally the exception.
However (ahem), (preparing to pontificate one of my high rules of life and love):
It ain't over until it's over.
and
When it's over it's over.
only the lovers can know or determine.
It's usually a mistake to go back thinking that the bad things have/will change.
But it's no mistake to realize acceptance... that the 'shortcomings' are far outweighed by how much you love this person.
I'm still madly in love with a girl I dated 10 years ago, and broke up with.
I'm still in love with a guy who I dated a few years after that.
When it's over for me, it will be over. As far as these two are concerned, it ain't over. And I would be untrue to myself to say otherwise.
Yes, there's always situations of mind over emotion... leaving someone because they're mean, they beat you... etc. You'd be a fool to go back. I still have feelings for a guy that was 'psycho', but no way in hell will I abandon reason on that case.
It certainly is 'over' for all my other past lovers, but never say "Never".

[ladydelanie]

As for me......Wow.....well I tried several times (for 16 yrs)... more then I can actually remember (over 4) to try and work things out with my ex husband..we had some great times and some I dont even like to think about.......All was great each time we would re-connect.....Then BAMM.....like Shameless said.....old patterns re-emerged.
Yet I am happy to say I learned to move away from that "addiction"
Yes I do believe I was addicted to him and him to me......
Went out and found a wonderful man that had NONE of the same patterns or personality traits of my ex.......(No I wasnt looking)
My NOW husband is much more noble and honest......loving and commited...sure of himself...not needy......and just plain loves ME...

I am a HUGE believer in the wonders and joy of love.....It can be wonderful!! Yet I also know it can be the most painful thing you will ever experience.

I do know over time it has taken me longer to trust, I question things more and dont take "crap" so to speak......I will give someone a chance to explain themselves.......However I now think this way......."Screw me over once shame on you.......twice Shame on me.........see ya".....
I do wish you all the best Kitty......and .......I am not saying it cant work.....again I do believe in love......just tread lightly, take things slow and please dont shove old patterns under the rug......trust me they will emerge again, given time......
Hugs hun,
Ladyd

[badkitty87]

does anyone else have experience on the matter? i really could use all the help i can get.

Sometimes something so wrong can feel so good or is it that things that are right are worth fighting for?

[Bluebiyou]

Question:

... Sometimes something so wrong can feel so good or is it that things that are right are worth fighting for?

Answer:
Yes.

[Bluebiyou]

Kitty,
it clearly ain't over for you.
Maybe you need to go back again until you're sure.

Unless

this person was physically harmful, possessive of you, or manipulative.
Those are three of the bad signs... you don't go back even if the good feelings still are there.
The possessive traits are a little more difficult... did this person try to cut you off from friends and family? Was this person seriously destructive (more than just words between you) at your breakup? Did this person threaten you in any serious way at all?
If the bad signs are there... Kitty, you need to mature, you need to talk with the girls here... but most of all you'll need to walk and never look back.
If you can't walk away, and the bad signs are there, perhaps you do need your ass kicked/heart dragged in the mud... perhaps that's something you need.
If the bad signs were not there, you're a fool if you don't follow your heart.

[ladydelanie]

Kitty,

Blue has was some valid points......Please read them and re read them....I saw the signs.......and thought my love could change him.......WRONG......
You and only you know what the truth is......and please look at things with your eyes wide open.....Don't try and justify anything from the past as being "your fault".....if there is or ever was ANY emotional or physical abuse......Pleae run and I mean RUN. I wish all those years ago I would have listened to others instead of looking at things with rose colored glasses.....

Kitty....please know life can be wonderful.....you will find your happiness...Follow your dreams...most of all listen to your heart......you will find many many answers there......if you allow yourself to truly listen....

Blessings,
Ladyd

[Bluebiyou]

Two rules of change in life I've noted:
People don't change.
People change.
While a clear contradiction when stated back to back, perhaps some clarification is needed.

People don't change.
People seldom change/grow in a way we think is positive. As noted previously by ladydelanie (and a large fraction of humanity) we can seldom/never 'love' someone to a better state. At best we can influence a temporary show on the part of a loved one.

People change.
Positive or attractive aspects of people we care about... or people we 'sync with'... can change over time, seldom (but rarely it does happen) in a way we find more attractive.

[muzhroom]

Depends on the reason why you broke up in the first place!

If you broke up due to a mutual agreement, there is a good chance it could work if you been apart for a while and feel that you miss each other.

If you broke up because one of you cheated and got caught, those types of come backs generally don't work.

Also something to consider how many have each of you been with since the break up and how many of these people you both actualy know

:flag1:

Good Luck!

[Bluebiyou]

Kitty,
your honest, straight from the hip, and undefended answers to these two questions will solve much.
It is clear, absolutely clear you still love him/her.
Does s/he love you?
If so, how would you describe his/her love?

[badkitty87]

Kitty,
your honest, straight from the hip, and undefended answers to these two questions will solve much.
It is clear, absolutely clear you still love him/her.
Does s/he love you?
If so, how would you describe his/her love?


do i love her? yes. is it infatuation. no. but i do love and appreciate her as a person. she fascinates me and sometimes i wonder if i'm addicted to loving her.

does she love me? well that is the reason that this whole thing resurfaced. our friendship reached stablity and then boom, she wrote me a love letter exclaiming that she couldn't stop thinking about me and how she'd rather try to be with me than lose me (not that i was going anywhere. like i said our friendship was quite stable)

describing her love: I think this is the most difficult part: i think her love for me fuelled by the way we compliment each other. I see through her persona and she gets under my skin like no one else does. we "click".


um... how does this make the decision simpler? i dunno...

[Bluebiyou]

Go for it.
Your relationship is clearly somewhat codependent (which is okay if both of you are okay with it) shown by "her love for me fueled by the way we compliment each other." and "sometimes i wonder if I'm addicted to loving her".
She clearly is the dominant in the relationship. "I see through her persona" indicates she has a tough or angry character that surfaces from time to time, possibly somewhat but not extremely abusive (certainly not physically). This is a common statement women make of an abusive husband ("I see the man beneath", etc).
"She gets under my skin like no one else does." Assuming this means the same in your dialect of english as the American english, it means she has a history of manipulating you into aggrevation/irratation. She knows what "buttons to push" often for the worse, sometimes for the better.
I'd say go for it.
You got out of it once before, if you need to you can do it again. You know what you're getting into. Just remember, the bad stuff won't change. If you can live with the bad stuff (although manipulation and abuse usually get worse over time), then you're a fool not to get back together with her. We have no choice over who or what we fall in love with; it either happens or it doesn't.
By (wisely/carefully) serving your love... that is living life!

[Doggie_Wood]

does anyone else have experience on the matter? i really could use all the help i can get.

Sometimes something so wrong can feel so good or is it that things that are right are worth fighting for?

Honey, I have been in simalar situations with a couple of spouses and a girl friend, and for me I found that if it is truely love that is worth "fighting for" the one key ingredient in making any "get together or re-get together" work is communication before commutation. Very rarely it is a 50/50 situation. Most times it is a tetering act, ie. 60/40 - 20/80 - 70/30. It can't alway be just one way or the other. Both parties must be willing to give as well as take.
If one or the other is so steadfast in any area and the other unwilling to accept or allow, then the outcome will surely be what it has always been -

FAILURE
Does the frase "Misery loves Company" apply here?
If so - remain friends (if that is possible)
If not - move on with your life - this too shall pass.

:doggie:

BTW - the two spouses are most deffinantly - EX's that live in Texas
The one girl friend and I are still friends (some times with benifits)

[darkeyes]

Kitty me darlin.. in me life hav rarely reopened an xfile..hav usually considered it a step bak an neva forwards..an so no matta wetha me wonted 2 get bak wiv sum 1 or no an whose fault the break up wos in the 1st place..me neva did..

Ther is 1 exception 2 that..2 reely but the 2cd neva came 2 owt an wos a mistake.. but wos a mistake me glad me made ratha than didn... not jus cos me life wudda panned out so diff than it has.. tho that an all.. but cos ther wer deep feelins involved so much so that for a wile she wos all that wos in me head.. the relationship neva developed eitha time for reasons more 2 do wiv how she felt than me.. but the 2cd bite at the cherry wos no more fruitful than the 1st... an a lot more fraught..at least from me own pointa view... still think of er lots..an still miss er, an still feel so deeply but its dun now..an ther can b no goin bak...

The 1st instance tho is an altogetha diff matta.. an the hurt an pain me caused er is summat that me will neva eva b able 2 forgive mesel for... as much as ne thin wot happened tween us wen she walked away not 1ce..but twice wos cosa me involvment such as it wos with the girl me talked bout before... won go inta all the ins an outs... a lot of it is scattered throughout forums.. is enuff 2 say that Fran got a 3rd bite at the cherry..an grabbed it wiv open arms.. an wiv no regrets woteva.. an am now spendin me life tryin 2 make up partly for lost time..but more so cosa the anguish an hurt me caused.. me partner, Kate has 2 gorge lil girls an we liv togetha an r raisin those lil girls.. if ther wos a ray of sunshine outa all the pain me gave 2 Kate, it is the fact that had we not split up, the younga wud neva hav been born...

All through the time Kate an me wer apart, me wos thoroughly miz..zif a huge lump had been torn outa me heart.. durin that time, for a brief instant the relationship wiv the otha girl flared up..but wos extinguished not rancourously , more wiv sadness an a feelin of inevitability that it had no wer 2 go cos don think she shared the same feelins an wonted the same things as me... neva felt that wiv Kate.. sure ther r things me havin 2 accept wich me finds hard but am doin ok wiv it... same on er side... a luffly guy in 'ere me calls Jags sed 2 me 1ce in chat that ther wos unfinished business tween Kate an me... didn reely believe 'im but is how it turned out 2 b..

So wile goin bak an reopenin the files don always work..ther r times wen it can produce amazin joy an happiness... depends on ya strength a feelin..on ya commitment.. the art a compromise (neva been me strongest suit..but am learnin).. wotya both wan outa life togetha an individually..an wotya can offer 2 help them wiv ther own dreams... depends on laffin an cryin togetha..sharin in the truest sense a the word..bein honest an always bein ther wenya yas needed.. often at the expense a ya own life's desires... means talkin an neva holdin bak.. means givin comfort an luff wen its mos needed, an also wen its not..its bout givin em the space they need 2 grow as human beins an yet knowin jus how much space ya hav yasel.. it depends as Jags sed..on how much unfinished biz ya both feel ya hav togetha...an wetha ya can grow togetha..

Its all so much more an we r all diff wiv diff needs an dreams.. but ifya can accommodate an undastand an accept those dreams an desires, wetha its 1st time round or 2cd or 3rd then ya has a chance..

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Sigh..I've been thinking about this one and I am Soo torn on it. I understand when you love someone so much that you hope they have changed and that things will be Greaqt if you get back together again, and that if its worth having, its worth fighting for. There are so many Pro's and Cons here....
All I can tell you to do Darlin' is follow your heart. It would be Wiser to follow your mind, but sometimes the heart wants what it wants. I strongly advise you to Think this through before going back with her. I know you love her, but you have to look beyong love and look at the practically of things first.
Does she love you, is it going to be all hearts, flowers and little birdies, or is it going to be like restarting a movie that you've had on pause?
Do some soul searching before you make any concrete decisions babydoll, because no one but you can make this important decision.
I'm having to do this now too, and believe me, alot of thinking is going on.
Best of luck and if you need us, we'll be here. :grouphug:
Cat

[badkitty87]

Go for it.
Your relationship is clearly somewhat codependent (which is okay if both of you are okay with it) shown by "her love for me fueled by the way we compliment each other." and "sometimes i wonder if I'm addicted to loving her".
She clearly is the dominant in the relationship. "I see through her persona" indicates she has a tough or angry character that surfaces from time to time, possibly somewhat but not extremely abusive (certainly not physically). This is a common statement women make of an abusive husband ("I see the man beneath", etc).
"She gets under my skin like no one else does." Assuming this means the same in your dialect of english as the American english, it means she has a history of manipulating you into aggrevation/irratation. She knows what "buttons to push" often for the worse, sometimes for the better.
I'd say go for it.
You got out of it once before, if you need to you can do it again. You know what you're getting into. Just remember, the bad stuff won't change. If you can live with the bad stuff (although manipulation and abuse usually get worse over time), then you're a fool not to get back together with her. We have no choice over who or what we fall in love with; it either happens or it doesn't.
By (wisely/carefully) serving your love... that is living life!


thank you so much for the advise. you seem to have grasped the situation 100% accurately.

we spoke lastnight. and came to the conclusion that right now is not the best time for us to reconnect in the way that we need to but in the new year we want to give it a fresh look and a fresh start and basically we both need to invest in making this time different and better or we shouldn't bother at all.

[csrakate]

I think you are being very wise, kitty. One thing we always must remember when dealing with an Ex is to recall why they are an Ex to begin with. Was the behavior something that can truly be dealt with or is it something that is so ingrained in them that they can never change. I don't believe we can ever truly "change" anyone...it's whether or not we are willing to put up with that behavior that makes it work and sometimes that is just not possible.

Best of luck to you both. I think you will find over time what the two of you are capable of living with and whether or not you are willing to put forth the effort for it to work. I wish you the best!

Hugs,
Kate