Masturbation?

[Dreamcouple2]

Okay, so here is my problem..............I have a huge sexual appetite. I thought my bisexual husband did as well but I am finding out rapidly that his isn't ANYTHING LIKE MINE................I would love to have sex 3 to 5 times a day, more if it were possible considering our daily lives are busy...............so when my husband masturbates it is interferring in our sex life or is that just mine...........................

I am finding that I am terribly hurt by this. :( So now I feel that I am not getting enough, hmmm, I am not :eek: .........................I told him I won't cheat on him but what am I to do?

I have told him many times that I want more.................I have even said "I want to have sex"..........he is either ignoring me or not understanding me................but I feel that I am quite clear. It seems to me that we only have sex when HE WANTS TO, and bascially when I want to is ignored..............he even says "I can't cum again" and why? Because he is masturbating...............................

Sorry, I just had to vent here........................ :(

[likalotapuss]

Not sure how to respond to this... but I had a (ex) boyfriend who was the same way. Always pleasuring himself in the shower or whatever. Screw all that mess!! We ended up breaking up for that reason among others. I mean I could sit around and masturbate too, but what fun would that be?! I am sorry that you are having this problem. I normally am not one to promote infidelity, but if that is what you feel you wanna do, then I say go ahead if that is the only way you feel there is to resolve the problem. I personally, would rather just break up than cheat, but that is just me. Good luck, whatever you decide.

~Angie :flag3:

[OralBradley]

See my notes between paragraphs.


Okay, so here is my problem..............I have a huge sexual appetite. I thought my bisexual husband did as well but I am finding out rapidly that his isn't ANYTHING LIKE MINE................I would love to have sex 3 to 5 times a day, more if it were possible considering our daily lives are busy...............so when my husband masturbates it is interferring in our sex life or is that just mine...........................

It seems rather unkind of him to masturbate while you are there and horny. if the situation were reversed and he was horny more often than you, it would be understandable and appropriate. Perhaps you could somehow turn his masturbatory session into a Jack and Jill party and both enjoy yourselves.

I am finding that I am terribly hurt by this. :( So now I feel that I am not getting enough, hmmm, I am not :eek: .........................I told him I won't cheat on him but what am I to do?

Like I said above mutual masturbation parties might be a help.

I have told him many times that I want more.................I have even said "I want to have sex"..........he is either ignoring me or not understanding me................but I feel that I am quite clear. It seems to me that we only have sex when HE WANTS TO, and bascially when I want to is ignored..............he even says "I can't cum again" and why? Because he is masturbating...............................

You might try masturbating to help relieve the stress, and masturbating in front of him when he is uninterested might turn him on. Perhaps he has a probelm getting an erection at times and is ashamed of telling you.

Sorry, I just had to vent here........................ :(

[Dreamcouple2]

Hmmmmmmmmmmm, well, the breaking up part isn't going to happen anytime soon.............we just got married...................so how silly am I?

Anyway.........................I have tried the masturbation thing next to him in the bed.............he just really was sleeping or ignoring me altogether...well, he ended up saying "Did you masturbate in the bed last night?"..........DUH! Then he said he wished he had been awake....................is he kidding?

So, really I only masturbate because I have to not because I want to.................

[crowznest]

i have got to say that yes I to masterbate when I need to because my wife is so damn tired by the time we hit the sack. I mean work all day then come home to a house full of kids then straighten up the place. It's a long day and in the morning! First to the shower, breakfast, warm the car dress the kids..... Actually theres a few spots in there but come on now when theres so much to talk about? I don't know? I guess sex just isn't a big factor anymore ? Although I'm sure we both feel like wecould go for a lot more. Well any ways when you need a fix doing it yourself is the way togo when you need to do it. And of course sex isn't everything! WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT? LOL :three:

[Driver 8]

Okay, so here is my problem..............I have a huge sexual appetite. I thought my bisexual husband did as well but I am finding out rapidly that his isn't ANYTHING LIKE MINE................I would love to have sex 3 to 5 times a day, more if it were possible considering our daily lives are busy...............so when my husband masturbates it is interferring in our sex life or is that just mine...........................

I am finding that I am terribly hurt by this. :( So now I feel that I am not getting enough, hmmm, I am not :eek: .........................I told him I won't cheat on him but what am I to do?

I have told him many times that I want more.................I have even said "I want to have sex"..........he is either ignoring me or not understanding me................but I feel that I am quite clear. It seems to me that we only have sex when HE WANTS TO, and bascially when I want to is ignored..............he even says "I can't cum again" and why? Because he is masturbating...............................


It sounds like there are a couple of separate things going on here - you aren't gettiing as much sex as you'd like, and you feel that your husband isn't physically giving you as much as he could because he's masturbating.

First - even if he weren't masturbating, he probably couldn't have three to five erections a day. (I know sex doesn't always mean erections and ejaculation.) Years ago, I told the guy I was with at the time that I'd have sex three times a day or more if I could. He got very upset, since he thought I meant I wanted more than he could physically provide, and soon he was using that as an excuse for everything. "Why bother with oral sex? You can't be satisfied anyway." :(

That relationship is long over now :) but I have learned to clarify expectations about these sort of things. What a woman means by "sex" may not be the same thing a man means - I think of "sex" as covering oral sex, for example, or doing something for your partner while they masturbate (or vice-versa), or intercourse, but for a lot of guys it just means intercourse. Just because he can't ejaculate again is no reason he can't satisfy you some other way.

Second - I wonder if he feels a lot of pressure around sex, and masturbates because it's a way to enjoy himself sexually with no demands? I completely agree that you should expect to be sexually satisfied, and if you have a monogamous relationship, then he should be keeping you satisfied - but maybe he's starting to feel like sex is a chore.

It would bother me if my sex life had to be completely according to someone else's wants, and that sounds like what you're describing. I don't know if it'd be better for the two of you to try talking this out all at once, or if you should concentrate on just one thing. It does sound to me like the masturbation isn't the problem - it's the fact that your needs aren't being met, and maybe it would help if the two of you talked about finding a way to meet both your needs.

:2cents:

[Dreamcouple2]

Thanks Driver...........great advice but let me clarify some things here for ya'll..............first of all, neither of us goes to work, we don't have to...........the kids are at school two days a week because I homeschool, the rest of the days they are at home...........my husband speaks French and his english isn't as good as you may think.....................we have a very sexual relationship, he knows my appetites are bigger than his...............because we are bisexual he says it is perfectly alright with him if I have a sexual relationship with a woman, alone (meaning/ without him around) and then he wants threesome with another man................now I am wondering if this is not only because of his bisexuality but also to help him satisfy me????? I honestly don't want a "relationship" with ANYONE ELSE, I am totally and completely in love with this man............and I feel that involving other people in our circle will change our relationship, and not for the better.............

Don't get me wrong - we have a lot of sex............like we just did 5 minutes ago and guess what..........................I didn't cum.......well, vaginally I came but not clitorilly (does that make sense?)...............well, for me it does because I can cum both ways and I swear if I cum vaginally he doesn't bother with the other.........................after intercourse it is over unless I say something but one gets tired of asking when one believes they have sufficiently told their significant other............................AND IF MY HUSBAND IS MASTURBATING SEVERAL TIMES A DAY, then he sure can fuck me several times a day....................so the excuses about being tired and being so busy..................sorry, they are just that......excuses NOT TO HAVE SEX!
and I agree, I don't have to have intercourse 5 times a day.................but some form of sex would be great........
I guess I am feeling out of sorts, like I am fucked up and different from everybody else............hell, my friends say I am WAY OVER SEXED..................I can't help it, I am who I am after all and he knows it..............thanks everyone, I appreciate you all.
Kat

[Dreamcouple2]

opps and here is something else I am considering................is it just more effort to have sex with women? Is this another reason? Anyone? Men??? Does it take more of an effort to sexually satisfy women then men...........I think YES...........................so maybe sometimes it is just to much of a bother when one can take care of it themselves in a matter of minutes...................I think this because a Gay friend of mine (male) says that when he found 'gay sex' it was better for him because women didn't want to have sex 5 times a day................of course, he didn't know me..............but is this part of the problem? Do men believe women don't want to have sex more than once a day???? Okay, sorry folks.............I don't want to appear as though I am whinning................I am really just confused. Thanks.

Kat

[Woody]

Maybe your expectations of sex up to 5 times per day or more are a little unrealistic.Introduce some toys/dvd's into your scene that will turn both of you on.....Nothing makes a guys cock go soft quicker than when he thinks he is not up to his partners standard and from reading your posts he may be feeling just that.

[Biboz49]

Dreamcouple don't sweat it because you enjoy sex more frequently than most. You should be proud of yourself! Personally I would love to have sex a couple times a day as well but with our schedules its just not possible. At least we can make up for it on the weekends lol :smoke: And to answer your question about you wondering if it takes more effort to sexually satisfy a woman, from my perspective as a guy, it definitely is not more work if you partner is willing to have sex as often as you do. My gf loves sex too, just as much as I do, and its no effort at all to satisfy her and I love it! About masturbation, we masturbate ourselves while together as part of our sex play and we do that quite a lot. This helps when we are both kinda tired but still need the satisfaction. Besides we find it very intimate and erotic.

Just my perspective.

[searchingbrian]

It sounds a little more complicated that you may first realize. One of the questions is WHEN is he masturbating and WHEN do you want to have sex? One explanation is that the two just don't coincide. For instance, he may be physically tired when you are horney and he may be horney when you are not. This can be a major problem. Although sexual appetites vary, generally there is no problem with men physically having sex manyt times/day. I personally have done it with my wife as many as 19 times in one day. Other days, however, our schedules don't coincide and although I know she is horney or vice versa the other partner is not. In some of those instances, the one who is not horney actually undertstands and helps the other masturbate in some way. We don't masturbate alone unless we are physically separated (ie., one is away on a trip, etc). You may need to explore the timing issue. If you find you want satisfaction when he doesn't and vice versa, you may need to work on how to coordinate your schedules not so much your appetites...
just a suggestion.

[OralBradley]

Hmmmmmmmmmmm, well, the breaking up part isn't going to happen anytime soon.............we just got married...................so how silly am I?

Anyway.........................I have tried the masturbation thing next to him in the bed.............he just really was sleeping or ignoring me altogether...well, he ended up saying "Did you masturbate in the bed last night?"..........DUH! Then he said he wished he had been awake....................is he kidding?

So, really I only masturbate because I have to not because I want to.................

My guess would be that he enjoys your masturbating and lies quietly so that you will continue. Try is some time while he is there reading and you are where he will have to see you. Leave your panites off and just pull up your skirt and start fingering your vulva. Even better would be a robe that you could allow to fall open.

[OralBradley]

opps and here is something else I am considering................is it just more effort to have sex with women? Is this another reason? Anyone? Men??? Does it take more of an effort to sexually satisfy women then men...........I think YES...........................so maybe sometimes it is just to much of a bother when one can take care of it themselves in a matter of minutes...................I think this because a Gay friend of mine (male) says that when he found 'gay sex' it was better for him because women didn't want to have sex 5 times a day................of course, he didn't know me..............but is this part of the problem? Do men believe women don't want to have sex more than once a day???? Okay, sorry folks.............I don't want to appear as though I am whinning................I am really just confused. Thanks.

Kat

:flag3: :male: I think that oral sex with either a man or a woman is is easier for me. I don't have to be rock-hard to enjoy a good suck or to pleasure a parner with my mouth. Mutual masturbation with either sex is also easier if I am not fully erect. As I have gotten olden and developed high blood pressure, the combination of age and medications have made erections problematic and anything but spontaneous. Can he possibly be having an impotence problem???? It can happen at any age, and insecurity would be a possible cause.

There is a wide variation in indiviual levels of libido between individual or even form time to time with an individual. From what I have read, the m ale libido is generally higher than the female, but the two sets of data certainly overlap. You may be toward the high end of the female spctrum and he at tle low end of the male.

Have you tried other sexual techniques, eg: fellatio (sucking) to get him aroused?

[OralBradley]

:flag3: :male:

I guess I am feeling out of sorts, like I am fucked up and different from everybody else............hell, my friends say I am WAY OVER SEXED..................I can't help it, I am who I am after all and he knows it..............thanks everyone, I appreciate you all.

Real "friends" wouldn't mind-fuck you like that! As you say, yhou are who you are. We are all different in many ways and similar in others. Each of us is unique.

[rayosytruenos]

Hmmmmmmmmmmm, well, the breaking up part isn't going to happen anytime soon.............we just got married...................so how silly am I?
There are a lot of things that are not clear to me, so my guesses can be a bit wild and far from reality, but there are many holes in the information you provide...

Ok, you say you are just married, and it seems that you are just regretting getting married.

Somewhere else, you said you have kids... Are they just your own kids or from both of you? I mean, have you been living with him before getting married? If you have been living with him before getting married, was he behaving before sexually differently?

Because if you knew how his sexual behaviour was before getting married, I don't think you expected him to change...

Anyway, it seems to me that there is a huge lack of communication (do you think that being his English not that good, could be a factor?). Relationships, being boss-subordinates, friends, spouses, etc. cannot work if there is no good communication.

I don't know your background, but is there any chance that he could have been forced into marriage (family's, social, peers' pressure)? For what you say, he seems more like he does it like a chore, more than a pleasure...

Do you speak before, during of after sex, comparing your emotions, desires, likes, etc.? That's a very good way to improve sexuality between partners... tell him exactly what you would like to be done, ask him what he likes to do or to be done to him...

we have a lot of sex............like we just did 5 minutes ago and guess what..........................I didn't cum.......
Sorry, let put things clear... Do you or do you not have a lot of sex???
If the complaints are that you are not satisfied by his expertise, teach him, tell him what to do, what you like, what makes you go wild, what makes you reach the 9th cloud...

A good lover I think is made of some practice, but also communication with the person. You can have a very experienced lover, but maybe your clicks are different from the women he has been before, while maybe a newbie can make you have more pleasure if you tell him exactly what to do...

Sex is a very wide field of experimentation... Maybe you could get him involved in more sex play if you broaden your sex games... Incorporate sex toys, for you, for him, for both... hey, maybe you both would love the feeldoe!!! You can try different positions, different role plays, attire, vids, locations (go to a lonely beach or to a mountain retire). Do things out of your routine...

Masturbation can and should be used as part of the sex games... You can masturbate for him (when he is quite awake and with his eyes open looking at you... :rolleyes: ) and he can do it in front of you... Use videos if needed...

Somebody said also that you could have different moods... Some people prefer to have sex in the morning, some others prefer to have it at night... If communication works, it shouldn't be a problem. We cannot be selfish, so both of you have to give a bit, let's say, 3 days in the morning, 3 days at night, and the remaining day at lunch??? It just an example, but communication is the main path to find a solution.

For what you say, I'm not sure if you both have different sex drives, it seems to me that maybe they are similar, but maybe driven in different ways or expressed in different ways. There is nothing wrong with masturbating, and I think you can do it, not because you have to, but because it's also a nice way to have satisfaction...

Masturbation is much easier than having full sex. You can do it on your own time, you can do it as quick as a few minutes or taking as long as a few hours, having breaks even for a coffee... You don't need anyone else and you don't have any pressure to satisfy anyone's expectatives...

You can do it quietly relaxed on a sofa, maybe with just the exercise of your hand... while full sex requires a lot of exercise (humping) sometimes flexing your muscles, holding your partner in the air, and keeping it for long, as to give her a good work... :rolleyes:

I think almost every man has a nice sweat after a good sex session, while not many get even tired to have a bit of self-indulgence sex... :tong:

I hope that anything of this could be helpful to you.

All the best,

ray :male:

[Driver 8]

I think Ray has summed everything up ... I'd just like to add that I don't think there's any such thing as being oversexed. Having a high sex drive is not a disease! The problem is when there's a mismatch of desire between partners.

[Ratchick]

Okay, so here is my problem..............I have a huge sexual appetite. I thought my bisexual husband did as well but I am finding out rapidly that his isn't ANYTHING LIKE MINE................I would love to have sex 3 to 5 times a day, more if it were possible considering our daily lives are busy...............so when my husband masturbates it is interferring in our sex life or is that just mine...........................

I am finding that I am terribly hurt by this. :( So now I feel that I am not getting enough, hmmm, I am not :eek: .........................I told him I won't cheat on him but what am I to do?

I have told him many times that I want more.................I have even said "I want to have sex"..........he is either ignoring me or not understanding me................but I feel that I am quite clear. It seems to me that we only have sex when HE WANTS TO, and bascially when I want to is ignored..............he even says "I can't cum again" and why? Because he is masturbating...............................

Sorry, I just had to vent here........................ :(

Woah.
This need so tbe addressed by both of you, or it will blow-up in your faces.
Try councelling.I know I always say this, but talkign really does help with a moderator.

MY EX Hubby used to do this very similar thing. Pised me off royal, too.
HE would jerk-off right next to me in bed after I asked him for it. HE had to be the one in the mood.
Got old, and was one of the reasons I left.
(One of many many)
But, HE wasn't willing to talk about it.

Hopefully you guys can work this out.
He needs to accept your advaces sometimes.
Maybe?
RC

[Whippersnap]

There are other things we do not know here. Did either one of you, after you got married, let your appearance go down the tubes? We have heard only your side, I am not doubting your thread but without his side I have to wonder. Do you "DEMAND" sex from your husband "when YOU want it" or do you "ask?" Do you "tell him how to do something" or do you "guide him?" After you climax do you help him the way he likes, or do you ask or demand more?

My first wife was something like you and in the beginning of the relationship, and then marriage, it was great, but she then began "demanding" without considering my physical and mental state and that was the beginning of the end and it killed my desire for her and eventually the love I had for her. After seventeen years of the Bulls**t, and what I consider abuse, I walked away. Yes I am a slow learner in some ways, but I did take my vows seriously.

I finally realized that she was not "over sexed," she used sex as a crutch in the hopes that the act would shield her from every day situations and/or problems, stress from her employment and the stress the children put into our life.

Perhaps you can go back and read "your threads" and think if this is you and is this how you have always felt and then try to see yourself as I think, and perhaps, how others may see you by what and how you wrote what you did.

I do wish you luck and happieness.

[Driver 8]

I'd also like to mention a book called The Sex-Starved Marriage. It's focussed on het couples, and assumes that all relationships are monogamous, but it also has some worthwhile observations about what both lower-sex-drive and higher-sex-drive people sometimes end up doing to hurt their relationship. Has practical advice, too. Of course, both members of the couple need to be putting in the work.

[Dreamcouple2]

Thanks everyone for your replies, I appreciate it. :) ...................Okay, so actually...........we just got married in October, we are newlyweds. Second marriage for me, first for him.
When I say we have a lot of sex, we do...............way more than average and we do use masturbation as part of our sex play..............that isn't a problem. The only time it bothers me is when it interfere's with our sex............I don't think I am alone in this. And what I mean is when we don't have sex because he just did it.................Women don't like it, :( when he can't fuck me because of it, it will be a huge problem................I have no regrets for marrying him, I love him :bigrin: more than anything.........it is me, and the way that I communicate or lack thereof......................I will just say it to him again or write it in an email so that he can fully understand and comprehend what I am saying........................honestly I think that is the problem, he isn't understanding me because of the language thing...............it will get better. Oh, and I am not DEMANDING about sex............fact is, I just don't say it enough..............
Thanks again!

Kat

[bigregory]

Hey kat.
Sorry but guys like to masturbate.
I can not see how it could affect your sex life in anyway.
No im not kidding,
im 42 and if i had just masturbated and then had my wife come on to me well guess what i would be back in business.
Did you know that you can also masturbate to help relieve the pressure.
Ask some of the girls here about vibrators,i know my wife wont part with hers. :rotate:

[mike9753]

Hi Kat:

I think that satisfying sex between a married couple is a combination of the physical act, plus the mental engagement, plus the emotional component. From all your posts, I only read about the physical act that you miss. You do address the emotional - you love him, but do you feel loved by him? Does he know that this current situation leads you to wonder about his love for you?

But to engage him you have to work at all three. At first it is work, because you need to learn about him, what turns him on, what really engages him and you need to share the same with him. It does take a lot of talking, playing, experimentation, mistakes and a lot of laughter (not at each other, but because you are having fun together). You have to really get to know each other. For instance, does your need to have sex so often affect him - I am sure it does, but how does it affect him? Do you know that? Does he know how his masturbatory habits affects you?

You have a lot of work to do - together. Has he read any of what you have written in this forum? It might be a great way to start.

But above all don't give up. Great sex means you both are committed to giving each other the gift of wonderful sex, without the expectation of getting anything in return. If sex is selfish, then it is only masturbation with another present.

Mike

[Driver 8]

And what I mean is when we don't have sex because he just did it.................Women don't like it, :( when he can't fuck me because of it, it will be a huge problem................

I do disagree with this. Sometimes when I'm in a relationship with a guy, I'll end up asking him for sex without knowing he's masturbated recently. If he can't get another erection, but does something else for me instead, I'm fine with that.

It does seem to me that when you talk about this problem, it's as though your husband is breaking a law everyone knows about. "Women don't like it," you've said, or "I'm not alone in this."

But it seems to me that this is YOUR preference - you want him to use ALL of his erections for intercourse with you, not just SOME of them, which is what's happening now.

I know that I personally respond better to a partner saying "I want this, I would like this" instead of "This is how things are supposed to be, and you're doing it wrong."


:2cents:

[OralBradley]

Woah.
This need so tbe addressed by both of you, or it will blow-up in your faces.
Try councelling.I know I always say this, but talkign really does help with a moderator.

:flag2: :male: This is very true! You need to sit down and talk it out at a time when sex neiter of your is wanting immediate sex. My wife and I found that we could talk about threatening aspects of our live much more easily if we went on a walk together.