My Fear

[parkwings]

My gf of 4yrs and I split 4 months ago, and thru discussion, it's become evident that she would consider letting me be with men on the side, because she knows I can't give men up forever.(I had 0 men during our 4yrs)

My fear is that I could fall for one of these men, thus really hurting her even though she sacrificed huge for me. This could kill her....so..any experiences or thoughts anyone?

I want to relax and live with integrity, so I may just let our relationship end, even though it's very painfull.

[mrtz1014]

My gf of 4yrs and I split 4 months ago, and thru discussion, it's become evident that she would consider letting me be with men on the side, because she knows I can't give men up forever.(I had 0 men during our 4yrs)

My fear is that I could fall for one of these men, thus really hurting her even though she sacrificed huge for me. This could kill her....so..any experiences or thoughts anyone?

I want to relax and live with integrity, so I may just let our relationship end, even though it's very painfull.

Warn her of all the scenerios that can happen. If she is still willing to go along its her choice. When it comes to love the rule is very basic, U let nature take its course , survival of the fittest. If one relationship over takes another then it wasn't meant to be.

[FalconAngel]

You split up 4 months ago? You are no longer together, so it doesn't matter what she wants, or is "willing" to do anymore.

Move forward, not back. Wait and the woman that is willing to work with your sexuality will come along and you can both be happy. In the mean time, enjoy yourself and have fun.

[folk2punk]

your comment on integrity says it all. you had zero men while you were with your gf? awesome! nevermind what she thinks... her insecurities are hers. the question is, can you remain faithful to her? if so, then you can go back to her. if not, then end it. though, i'm guessing there's more issues than just sexuality here....

[angelrose1955]

Being the fiance of a bi male, I would like to add my 2 cents. You didn't give the reason why you broke up so it is hard to tell just what the issues are. BUT...if you are already thinking you will probably fall in love with a man then it sounds like you have made up your mind already.
Have you really talked to her about all of this?? Shameless and I talk about it a lot...he loves me and I know he still wants to explore the bi side of him. I am all for it. I am learning...after a very abusive relationship...how to trust again...and he is the reason why. We talk things out. I know I am the only woman he loves..but there are things that a man can do for him that I can't. so when the time comes..we will talk about it BEFORE he does anything...for it is a joint decision that will effect the both of us. He would like to have a triad...and I can see that happening. Maybe that is the way you could approach it??
Not having all the back ground it is hard to tell what is really going on.
BE HONEST with her...and yourself. You have to choose what is important to you...do you love her enough that if she doesn't agree to this....would you be ok with it?? If not, then you have your answer already.
You use the word "sacrifice"...why should it be a sacrifice for her??? Her choice should be without strings or sacrifices. As your choice should be.
If there are strings or sacrifices then resentments will surely follow. That is no way to live in a relationship.
You are looking for advice that really no one can give you or should give. We can give examples...but the decision is your and yours alone. It sounds like you have already made up your mind and just want us to pat you on the back and tell you you are making the right decision...but who are we to do that?? We do not know all the situations and issues that brought about your breakup.
So it is up to you my dear...BE HONEST....with her and yourself... and the answer will come to you...
Good luck
AngelRose

[DiamondDog]

You're no longer in a relationship with her and nobody dies from an ex getting into a relationship with someone else.

What if you got with another woman instead?

You sound like you regret breaking up with her, why not get back together and just talk about things? Or find another woman who actually wants an open relationship and is open to talking about it?

[frikidiki]

The question I would ask is, who would you really put first in that situation?

If she is your primary, as the polyamorous community puts it, and you are devoted to her, as you seem to be, then any feelings you have for your future-him should take a back seat. You of all people must be able to feel this in your heart and believe it in your head; otherwise, as I'm sure you'd agree, you have no business calling anyone your primary, or treating anyone like they are such.

Speaking of her, she certainly needs to be shown that she is your primary; unfortunately, you cannot make her believe this. It sounds like she is ready to try this, however. Just be honest with yourselves and each other--that's all you can do.

As for your relationship, I don't agree that four months off is enough to get over four years of devotion. From what you said, I think she needed time to get over her own fears and to be convinced that you still love her despite your needs; she may be convinced, or is wanting to see what you prove. You, meanwhile, don't want to hurt her--this is noble, but as I said before, it's up to you to prevent that from happening. As strongly as you feel for her, so will you strongly control yourself.

So you may or may not have feelings for a future-him. What of this hypothetical situation should affect how you feel for her? In other words, and I ask this respectfully, how could you let this possibility get in the way of a good thing? If I'm right in saying she's cautiously returning to you, fall for her instead of someone that doesn't exist yet, and may never exist.

One more thing--consider including her. My personal rule is that if my partner isn't cool with someone I want to play with, neither am I; I'd also like my partner to consider being there in some capacity, but this would not be up to me. In other words, no matter what I do, I think of my partner, too. I expect the same. Share this idea with her, and see what she says.

Thank you for reading my post.

[shameless agitator]

I'm glad to hear you've been talking things over wit her. Communication really is the key to any kind of successful relationship. As I said before though, you need to be sure she's not agreeing to something she really doesn't want just to make you happy & because she figures it's the only way she can keep you. If she really doesn't want you being with other men, but agrees to that kind of openness anyway, it will be a source of resentment. Friki raised an interesting point here


If she is your primary, as the polyamorous community puts it, and you are devoted to her, as you seem to be, then any feelings you have for your future-him should take a back seat. You of all people must be able to feel this in your heart and believe it in your head; otherwise, as I'm sure you'd agree, you have no business calling anyone your primary, or treating anyone like they are such.

that I'd like to address. This is fine as far as it goes, but who says there has to be a primary & secondary at all? As Angel said, she & I are in a similar situation. The agreement we have come to is I can play with other men & if the circumstances are right develop relationships with them as long as she's the only woman in my life. Ideally, we'd like a triad but if I were to find a man for myself that she wasn't interested in or wasn't interested in her, that doesn't eliminate the possibility for me. If I were to fall in love with this hypothetical man, that doesn't take away from the love I have for her. As long as I don't leave or neglect her for him, then what's the problem? You just have to be very careful with that situation to reassure your partner that you do still love & want her & she's still important to you. If you do start to neglect her because you're caught up in the excitement of the new relationship ( a very real possibility. You could be like a kid with a new toy), then she has to be strong enough and confident enough to call you on it. Just my :2cents: