whatevs
Sep 28, 2008, 11:21 AM
I have a very strange story to tell. I've been active as a gay man for about a decade (I'm in my late 30s), but over the past couple of years, I've found myself increasingly attracted to women, fantasizing about being with women, and becoming intrigued by the thought of having sex with them. I was extremely lame as a young man, and got relatively little experience with women, although what I got was fun. Still attracted to men, so I know I'm not straight.
The back story:
Teens-Early 20s: Predominately attracted to women, but had fantasies about both sexes. Given to "hopeless crushes" on women who weren't interested in me. In fact, I rarely found women who (I thought) found me attractive, even though I had no problem being attracted to them. Had one serious relationship with a woman (the sex was good!), which collapsed when I told her about my same-sex fantasies. Not long later, I had my first "hopeless crush" on a man. I spent about two years obsessed with this crush, and began to suspect that I was at the very least bisexual. I also began avoiding possibilities for relationships with women, since I figured that I could never share this secret with them. I also began consuming gay porn, although I looked at the straight stuff, too.
Late 20s: After years of agonizing, I finally "gave into" my same-sex desires with a gay friend. We had a relationship for about a year (he dumped me because he was out and I was closeted), but remained close for a long time afterwards. Believe it or not, the emotional bonding was stronger than the sex. I began pursuing relationships with men, with mixed success. I still found myself attracted to women (in one case, I came out to a woman who was so accepting that I immediately wanted to make love to her), but figured that was just internalized homophobia. I also figured that it was too late in life to have a "heterosexual career." Just as I consciously tried to avoid fantasizing about men when I was younger, I tried to cut women out of my sexual fantasies. I had once contemplated marriage to a woman (not anyone in particular, but a generic "woman") as a way of following society's rules. I then realized that would be grossly unfair to her. I figured any interest in women came from that desire to fit in.
Early 30s: Finally had my gay guy in a big city experience. Got laid a lot for the first time in my life. It was fun! My gayest years, when I disavowed any interest in women. Oddly enough, people I came out to were usually a little surprised, simply because I didn't seem like a man who wasn't interested in women.
Late 30s: Continue to pursue men for both sex and relationships, though enjoy it less than I once did. (Never that comfortable with "gay culture," but who is?) But I find myself more and more attracted to women, in real life, media, and pornography. I even fantasize about having a girlfriend. Sometimes I feel like a bisexual man with little heterosexual experience, which seems bizarre. Maybe 30 or 40 percent of myself is hetero, and he's never had a proper ability to express himself. But how?
The back story:
Teens-Early 20s: Predominately attracted to women, but had fantasies about both sexes. Given to "hopeless crushes" on women who weren't interested in me. In fact, I rarely found women who (I thought) found me attractive, even though I had no problem being attracted to them. Had one serious relationship with a woman (the sex was good!), which collapsed when I told her about my same-sex fantasies. Not long later, I had my first "hopeless crush" on a man. I spent about two years obsessed with this crush, and began to suspect that I was at the very least bisexual. I also began avoiding possibilities for relationships with women, since I figured that I could never share this secret with them. I also began consuming gay porn, although I looked at the straight stuff, too.
Late 20s: After years of agonizing, I finally "gave into" my same-sex desires with a gay friend. We had a relationship for about a year (he dumped me because he was out and I was closeted), but remained close for a long time afterwards. Believe it or not, the emotional bonding was stronger than the sex. I began pursuing relationships with men, with mixed success. I still found myself attracted to women (in one case, I came out to a woman who was so accepting that I immediately wanted to make love to her), but figured that was just internalized homophobia. I also figured that it was too late in life to have a "heterosexual career." Just as I consciously tried to avoid fantasizing about men when I was younger, I tried to cut women out of my sexual fantasies. I had once contemplated marriage to a woman (not anyone in particular, but a generic "woman") as a way of following society's rules. I then realized that would be grossly unfair to her. I figured any interest in women came from that desire to fit in.
Early 30s: Finally had my gay guy in a big city experience. Got laid a lot for the first time in my life. It was fun! My gayest years, when I disavowed any interest in women. Oddly enough, people I came out to were usually a little surprised, simply because I didn't seem like a man who wasn't interested in women.
Late 30s: Continue to pursue men for both sex and relationships, though enjoy it less than I once did. (Never that comfortable with "gay culture," but who is?) But I find myself more and more attracted to women, in real life, media, and pornography. I even fantasize about having a girlfriend. Sometimes I feel like a bisexual man with little heterosexual experience, which seems bizarre. Maybe 30 or 40 percent of myself is hetero, and he's never had a proper ability to express himself. But how?