I think I'm coming out to myself???

[anon092708]

Okay, I may be behind the times to most of you on here, but bear with me.

Briefly, I'm a 28, close to 29, year-old male. I'm starting to question the dynamics of my sexuality (again). I tried to do it in my early 20s, but wasn't mature, confident, or emotionally durable enough to handle it. So, I guess I shelved it until it re-emerged about a month ago.

Now, it's different. I'm reasonably comfortable in admitting, to myself at least, that there's a real chance I'm bisexual, maybe gay. I certainly grew up hetero, no question. Never looked at males as sexual partners. But, at least within the past month, I have, and I think, at least in concept, that I probably would enjoy some level of intimacy with a man. I'm not exactly sure why though. I sometimes think it's more for an emotional connection or bond with another male, secondarily physical. Or maybe just the newness of it? Does this make sense to anyone?

Anyway, this range of sexual desires is driving me nuts. You really can't ignore years of history when trying to conclude your own sexuality.

It's pretty confusing, and driving me up a wall, headaches, constantly thinking about it, gauging my interest in everything that even walks by. I wish I could just relax about it, and I guess just be able to control my thoughts better, just not worry about it. Can anyone relate to this with personal experience, or just maybe make me feel a little bit better? I feel inferior in many ways because my sexuality is not clear cut my any stretch of the imagination at this point. I'm thinking about going on some anti-anxiety/obsessional medication just to help me "cope" or relax more than anything. But, at the same time, I don't want to rely on medication to "escape" this, either, because trying to escape it will only make it worse. I just want to come out of it mentally healthy and well-adjusted.

[Bi-Zarro]

We're not that different, anon. Our experiences are fairly similar. So don't feel like you're all alone in the world re: your feelings. I have my own uncertainties; I don't think they'll go away until I finally have another experience with a guy that goes well (it's been about 14 years since my last one).

[elian]

Not everyone, but a lot of the folks I have met who are LGBT have the most tortured souls - society says one thing but you feel in your heart another. Over the years I've done my share of tearing myself apart trying to figure out if I could "live" with the demands of society - I've come to the conclusion that it IS okay to just be who you really are. To try and PRETEND to be someone in the hope of pleasing others wastes so much energy - and in the end you only end up feeling hollow inside anyway.

Attitudes change with time, experience, environment - we never really stop learning unless we close our minds. We may face a stigma in this society but I think it's an inspiring thing to know that being bi in the altruistic sense means that you can have the capacity to love people for who they are, not just what is between the legs.

[Bi_Druid]

This sounds much like what I went through when working myself out.
From this experience I learnt that you do have to come out to one's self first, before even thinking about coming out to others. Heck, coming out to others afterwards is loads easier I found, but lets burn that bridge as we come to it.

I'll hazard to say we've probably all been there at some point in our lives, in one description or another. Don't fret and stress over it.

You sound like you got a good sensible head on your shoulders, so I'd listen to your own advice some. And don't be afraid to talk to others about it, sometimes the talking helps make it make sense in your own mind much easier than if you don't.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Honey-boy, dont you Even resort to drugs of any kind to help you with this, They Arent Necessary!!!! Drugs are a crutch and you dont need a crutch to figure this out, its a simple matter of dedusing this on your own and with bi friends helping you. What you need to do is start Talking to people, like your doing here now, and discovering people who would like to help you with the confusion.
Right now your hormomes are going biserk trying to figure our where they belong. Its not as uncommon as you think, we've all gone through it.
Discovering if you are Bi, or merely Bi curious at this stage isnt a bad thing, you just need to calm yout jets a little and see if you can find someone to experiment with. This can sometimes be a not easy task. Wheither you go to a Gay Bar, or to a Swing party, it can be daunting or it could be one Hell of a good time! But the important thing, above All, is to be safe and have fun at the same time. Go check out a couple of establishments that might afford you the opportunity to meet someone, or check out a Craigs List. (They have them all over the country, ya'll) Best thing in my humble opinion is yo look up other sites such as this one, or Swingers sites and get aquainted with a single Bi man, or even a good couple and go that way.
What ever choise you decide, play safely and just relax and enjoy it. :}
Come on in and join us in chat sometime. ;)
Everybody's Cat

[wolfcamp]

Anon,
Be very assured that you are not alone in this. This is the very issue that brought many of us to this site. I think it's reassuring to me every time some one like you shows up, because it reassures me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

This is a common feeling for many people, and every one deals with it in their own way. I had my first adult male experience when I was about your age. Now I am twice that, and although I am much more at ease, I still struggle sometimes with the issue. I still have conflicts because of my upbringing and because of social conditioning. You seem to have a much more realistic approach than I did, and I think that is very healthy.

Like you, I also question the reason why I am occasionally attracted to men. It's one reason I hang around here. I am fascinated to hear other men's reasons, although that discussion doesn't come up as often as I would like. Just try to accept yourself for who you are. There is no wrong or right answer to this, and you aren't really so different from many, many other men. The real trick is to find a comfortable balance in your life.

Best regards,
Wolfcamp

[void()]

"I am fascinated to hear other men's reasons, although that discussion doesn't come up as often as I would like."


Never really given much thought to the why behind attraction to other men, here. I guess it is because of a difference in masculine and feminine strength. Both a man and woman may experience the exact same event, but they will respectively gain different versions of strength. Women can be more subtle, covert. Men are all brash, and who cares if you step on a few toes?

At times a need exists for one and not the other. So you enjoy male company for a pleasant evening. The next evening you need the other and enjoy female company. Sometimes you might desire both in the same evening, and that's fine, too. At least that's how it seems here. The differences & similarities of both genders are what attract, me. Strength is only one example. It is universally the same quality, but dependent upon the gender its touch 'feels' bold or persuasive.

Of course there's also the obvious plumbing issues. Different pipes, but still the same general mechanics involved. I love playing with guy pipes sometimes, they get rather heated externally. A woman's pipes get hot internally. Neither is wrong or right. Pardon the crude humor but, "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't." See why I really don't think about it much? :)

[FalconAngel]

Don't worry about the why of attraction, just go with it.

In most cultures there is an ingrained homophobia that seems to get in the way of human sexuality and growth. No matter if we are Bi, Gay or Straight, it is pounded into us.

If what you are going through is an awakening change in your sexuality, then the first thing that you need to do is just accept that things are changing within you. A lot of people don't find their true sexuality until adulthood. Most don't find it until late in life. Very few of us are lucky enough to know early on or in early adulthood. You are lucky that you can explore this now, while you are still young. Many of the ones that discover it late in life end up ruining many of their dreams because they suppressed it for so long.

Change is the constant state of all things. That truth is universal; Accept it and go with it.
Accept that you are changing and get all that you can out of the experience.

It is, in a way, like going to a foreign country. You don't know anything about it, but if you pay attention with an open mind and do your best to accept that it is different from what you thought you knew, it will be a good experience that you will not have bad memories of.

Wallow in the experience, explore your feelings and, within safe reason, act on them. Try going to some Gay clubs or mixed orientation clubs or drag bars (or whatever they are calling them now). Relax and get the feel for the places, then see if there are guys there that you feel an attraction to. act on it if you feel comfortable doing so. See how you feel afterward and examine those feelings without looking at them based on how you were brought up. Accept what you feel, without reservation and move on with it.

It is your life and no one else's. You are the one living it, so you should try to be as happy in it as you can make yourself.

[IanGray]

You are right to keep clear of drugs as I they will not provide answers to your problem. It took me until I was 39 to come out to myself. Even though I was aroused by photos of naked men since I was 17, I thought of myself as hetrosexual. It's now a case of how gay or straight I am.

So I can relate to your confusion. This web site is a good place to start in your quest to find yourself sexually. It helps to keep in touch with anyone who has the same problems as yourself.

Ian :)

[anon092708]

I appreciate all the reponses.

I want to use meds because I don't seem to have much control over the stress, anxiety, and questioning going on. I also feel a level of "compulsion" to get an answer as soon as possible, which kind of aggravates the stress. I worry about what will happen to my level of attraction to members of the opposite sex. I just can't stop thinking about it. I'm tired from the stress, I cry a couple of times a week, I can't look at a guy without judging my level of attractedness or physiological response to him or asking myself what it would be like to be in a relationship with him, etc. I stay in more than I used to, sleep more than I used to, etc. It's more of a chore to do the things I like to do. I know I'm depressed and I need something to help me get a handle on things.

I was in this boat when I originally started to question back at 20. I actually contemplated suicide. I remember standing in front of my mirror at 2:00 a.m. in my college dorm with a full bottle of aspirin, telling myself that I could end all the stress by downing the bottle. Two things kept me from doing it.....I was going to be the best man in my brother's wedding that summer, and I didn't want my roommate to wake up in the morning to a dead roommate.

I recognize a lot of the same symptoms now, and although I don't have suicidal thoughts this time around, I do know my mental health has declined and I'm not as happy as I was a few weeks ago. I'm tired of the worry. I am capable and willing to deal with this, but I don't feel I can do it now with the stress level what it is. But, one thing is for certain.....I will *never* consider suicide again. It's a cop-out and cowardly. There are things in life that are arguably worth killing yourself over (i.e. like if you know you're a serial killer), but sexuality isn't one of them.

Anyway, on to another topic.....I've considered going to gay clubs or a swingers club.....especially a swingers club. I think I'd feel odd and out of place in a gay club.....and I wouldn't be there for a sexual encounter, really, (but then the little voice in my head says, "Are you sure?"). More just to explore the idea of the gay culture. I've actually thought about going to a swingers club......but I think I would rather at this point go with a female. Are there any good-looking females out there kinky enough to do that??? lol. There's definitely something thrilling and hot about doing that, but again, my expectation would be a "Nip/Tuck" event, lol, and probably isn't reflective of reality, especially in Indiana! Maybe I'm just ultra horny and/or have a mild sexual addiction!

[Rudy75]

What you're going through is just a little more extreme than normal. I was 100% hetro until my late 40's, as many others.

The advice is good. Check out this site and see what the folks are like. We all live "outside the box" to some degree.

By the way, gays seem to have their own culture, so if you're not into that culture, maybe a gay club isn't your thing. (Only you know for sure.)

[parkwings]

Well, I had, and sometimes still have, difficulty accepting my sexuality.

Sure it'd be easier to be totally one way or the other, but short of getting a team of neurosurgeons to re-wire your brain, you're stuck with the one you've got! (sexual urges and all)

Years ago when I was really upset, I just said to myself "Just give yourself one full year, and see if things get better" Then you can go on meds or whatever, but give yourself a window of time first, in which to work on things. Things did get better.

I was like you in the way that I wanted my sexuality figured out, NOW! But....that's not always how it works, unfortuneately. Takes time.

I read something interesting on a questioning website, which was confirmed by some of my male family/friends. It said:if you are spending a large amount of energy questioning your sexuality, then it is likely that you are not straight. Many straights don't spend huge amounts of energy thinking about thier straight-ness.

You may be straight, gay, bi, you have to decide which label you fit. THEN, you have to integrate your sexuality into your intimate relationships, friends, family.

Don't rush, and just be honest with yourself. Trying to force your sexuality one way or the other is an excercise in futility. Trust me, I tried it.

Best Wishes

[elian]

Your having to question gives you something a lot of people don't have - the gift of an open mind. It isn't always an easy gift, but it's worthwhile.

Your sexuality/gender is only one PART of who you are as a whole person. To say "since you are "gay" you must do THIS" is a fallacy and thinking that way will trap your mind into a mode of despair that causes unnecessary trauma. Relax - you don't need to back yourself into a corner. You have a very long time to figure it out - nobody is pushing you except yourself.

People have been told so long that they must do this or they must do that to be loved and accepted. Each of us harbors a spark of the divine, each of us is connected. Short of being a homicidal sociopath I still believe that all people are a gift and each one deserves love, respect and compassion. (As much as I oft entertain the idea of using lewd gestures on the freeway).

For the record, I hate the stereotypical cock worshiping "gay-culture" so I stay away from clubs - maybe an unfair perception of clubs but most of them open past my bedtime anyway. Am I more "straight" then? I don't think so - I don't have a label for it and that's ok..

Each one of us has great potential and life is too short to let a label dictate what you can do - please don't end your life before it's even started. It takes real courage to do what you are now starting to do but you are on a good road. Thank you for reaching out and talking to us. <hugs>

[parkerbi]

We're not that different, anon. Our experiences are fairly similar. So don't feel like you're all alone in the world re: your feelings. I have my own uncertainties; I don't think they'll go away until I finally have another experience with a guy that goes well (it's been about 14 years since my last one).


yes. we are not different. In fact, lots of people are bi. who knows the percentage?

[anon092708]

All of what you say makes sense to me.

Again, I think the problem is the ambiguity, and the stress associated with it. I'm worrying myself too much over it and nit-picking everything. That, to me, is the problem that I want to address more than anything. I just want to really not care about it.

[FalconAngel]

All of what you say makes sense to me.

Again, I think the problem is the ambiguity, and the stress associated with it. I'm worrying myself too much over it and nit-picking everything. That, to me, is the problem that I want to address more than anything. I just want to really not care about it.

Once you accept that you are in a state of changing self-discovery, and accept that you are what you are, no matter what "society" wants you to be, the stress will disappear. You won't need drugs for it; you don't need drugs for it. What you need is self-acceptance. Get that and the related stress issues will start to go away.

So DON'T PANIC!! :eek:(written in large, friendly letters):bigrin:

[mel85]

Yes it is difficult to accept who we are. I only accepted the fact that I am who I am this year. It also drove we nuts. I kept telling myself you are just curious it will go away, you are not going to end up in hell like everyone says you will. Then when it didn't go away after a few years I thought I am gay but still checked guys out, especially if Vin Diesel runs around without his shirt in a good movie :tongue:. so that lifestyle wouldn't work.

I am still to scared to actually live like a Bi person but I am taking it a day at a time. I am trying to get the Bullsh**t everyone pounded into my head out so I can go on living my life without feeling like a horrible person who is going to hell.

It is very hard but just take it as it comes.

[Jaysonoi692]

I dont think you need medication ..... one has to accept the fact that sexual desires are a natural part of being, and if one desires another within their own sexual framework ( Man for man, woman for woman ), this is totally acceptable. Dont people always say we are attracted to those like ourselves ?? I dont see where a man cant find erotica in the touch of another man .......

[anon092708]

I have to ask, why are so many people opposed to medication to reduce the anxiety and stress so as to be better able to focus, relax, and try to integrate these thoughts and feelings?

[elian]

if you are talking about professional counseling with a treatment program that's one thing. Lots of times people fall into using drugs themselves to treat (or mask) the symptoms of the problem instead of dealing with the root cause. Sometimes this can lead to an even worse situation than what you were faced with when you started.

My parents used to party quite a bit when I was younger so I grew up in a home where drugs and alcohol were used, add domestic violence to that, lack of communication skills and it can get nasty..at least in the eyes of a child.

For me, the "pain and stress" of dealing with questioning my gender seems much more palatable then dealing with the fear and random violence I encountered growing up in an abusive environment where drugs were involved.

[anon092708]

I wasn't referring to illegal drugs, but professional help and medication. I don't think I need help with the bisexuality, but rather just not getting so damn anxious and worried about it.

[izzfan]

As for the whole 'coming out to yourself' thing, I didn't realise that I was attracted to men until I was 18 (why it took me until then to realise it I don't know!). However, I've known about my Cross-dressing side and the more kinky aspects of my sexuality (BDSM/ S&M) since I was about 13-14 so I guess the bi part didn't seem too much of an issue compared to having to deal with the other two things at an age when I didn't really feel like I could talk about them (religious school, parents who wouldn't understand, only having "normal" friends etc...) or even understand them and it caused me no end of problems.

As for coming out and that kind of thing, don't do it until you are ready... I mean my parents accidently found out about my cross-dressing when I was 16. they were tolerant but not really approving of it. As for my bisexual side, fortunately, I discovered that a few months before I started university.... so I was away from home and didn't have to worry what anyone thought.

Even though I'm sort of out about everything (although I;m still partially in the closet about the whole BDSM thing) I still feel that all the years of secrecy, self-loathing, confusion etc... have made me somewhat paranoid/ awkward in social situations (although its nowhere near as bad as it used to be).

As for the questioning sexuality thing, I;m sure many of us have been there at some point and it often seems impossible to find answers, but with time ,and possibly experience, you'll probably come to a conclusion. One thing which might be useful for you is the Kinsey scale (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale) it is quite a well-known system for defining sexuality or "levels" of bisexuality etc...

of course, at the end of the day, "straight", "gay", "bisexual" etc.. are just labels and if you don't think that they're useful then don't use them.

You mentioned visiting gay bars etc... to see "gay culture", just be aware that gay/bi people are quite a varied group so don't take the stereotypes seriously.

I hope this has been useful

[anon092708]

All of the input is helpful. It's just difficult for me to make sense of things. There's a lot of anxiety associated with it for me.

[elian]

Can you tell us what you find so unnerving? Maybe we could each speak directly about our own personal experiences with that particular issue.

I'm no professional but it seems like you are holding yourself hostage dear - surely no one else is pressuring you to be bi? If that's what you feel in your heart - it's OK, really.

I don't know the whole circumstances of your situation so I shouldn't try to make light of it. But if the main issue is internal anxiety - isn't there anything you can do to convince yourself it's OK just to be who you are?

I've been saying those words for a very long time but a very kind gentleman on this site is slowly bringing me around to the idea that it's true - people can love you just the way you are and you are deserving of that love.

I tried living to please other people and that left me feeling hollow inside. I tried living in anger and spite for many years - as if I had something "to prove" to myself and others - eventually you realize that life is just too short to worry like that. You do the best you can every day - that's all anyone can ask.

[anon092708]

It's just that I'm not used to feeling or thinking about men. I didn't grow up feeling or thinking that way. I grew up in a conservative (but not ultra-conservative) family, but I honestly cannot ever remember a single negative word uttered about bisexuals or homosexuals by my parents or brother. So, I certainly can testify that I didn't have any overtly "homophobic" feelings ingrained in me by any family members, nor were there too many from outside the family, either. So, the fluidity I can have between genders is very confusing.

I absolutely feel (and therefore probably know) I am holding myself emotionally hostage over this. It's not an easy subject for me. I probably am over-reacting, even catastrophizing things, and I've maintained that there's a lot of unnecessary, rampant stress and anxiety that's preventing me from working my thoughts and feelings out in a healthy manner. I mean, nobody really discusses these things in an open, honest manner, without any judgments (other than on here), so when something like this comes up, the resources to handle it aren't exactly at your fingertips. What exactly do you tell yourself?

Lately I've been able to reduce the anxiety just by telling me it is okay to be who I am.....and it is. This has only been going on for a month. It's helped a lot. I had this "problem" about 6 years ago, and I was able to resolve the stress by telling myself over and over that it was okay to be who I was no matter what my sexuality was, and that sexuality doesn't MAKE you do things.....I am the master of my own destiny. Too bad it took me a couple of years to learn what to tell myself.....that it's ok to be who I am and not let anyone dictate my worth or value. It's just that when I really get stressed and anxious about it, I feel like I have to act on what I am feeling. Part of me wants to, and part of me doesn't want to.

This is just something I want to lay to rest and never have to freak out about again in my life. It's NOT fun. :(

[elian]

No, it isn't fun - if the fundamentalists only knew how much of "choice" it really was maybe they would understand just how hurtful "What you feel in your heart is wrong, but don't worry - we'll change you." truly sounds.

With free will you can CHOOSE to deny a part of who you are - but the true nature and the issues surface again. If you think you could FIND a bi-friendly therapist by all means - maybe that is the best way.

By what you have written it seems you've already started the process of coming to terms with this issue. As far as I can tell your response to the situation is very similar to other men who have been in similar circumstances.

I know the urge to "know for sure" can be strong - you want to prove one way or the other yes? If you jump into a sexual situation without loving yourself first you may end up feeling hurt or used.

If you examine and really THINK about human nature long enough I think you will come to find that EVERYTHING about humans can be a paradox - as if we are held in a constant state of flux anyway - sexuality is only a part of that.

The worst thing this society could have ever done is force women to be subservient and force men to show no emotion except courage. Some men are so homophobic that they are afraid to show any emotion or affection at all..that is a shame. BTW - homophobia = self-hate.

A wise person once told me "I don't know how you can hate yourself like that, you're a gift from God".

I have to admit that coming to terms with being BI has really thrown me for a loop because just when I think I like guys A LOT - I see a nice lady..and the same doubting feelings start all over again.

How do I "cope" with the stress? Realize that I am, and always have been the same person through all of these changes in my life. Realize that to be happy and healthy fear and loathing have no place in my heart...I am human - I need to give myself patience, love and space to grow - even through difficult times.

Try to respect the people but realize that institutions and ideology that stand to promote racism and classism divide me from the things I have in common with my neighbors, the human experience and the divine connection. "God" isn't some angry old white man on a throne someplace that we must fear. This disjointed view of the universe divides us against ourselves and leads us to believe that we (or our neighbors) are unworthy of respect and compassion.

Universal consciousness permeates everything..God is in us, and we are in God - we don't operate in a vacuum and it isn't EITHER male OR female - there are aspects of both masculine and feminine in all.

How could the universe hate itself, deny itself, ignore itself? - It can't. It simply is - and not only that but it continuously blossoms, changes, grows - expressing itself in every way imaginable - all the while learning from the experience..we are a part of that cycle.

In all of these words there are no easy, definitive answers - everyone stumbles - true friends won't love you any less for trying. Half of the benefit of the journey is the experience you gain on the way. Unlike we humans who feel the need to rush from place to place, the universe has all time in the world.

Keep reaching out, watch a video, find a community where you feel safe to speak, ask questions..know that you are never alone.

Forgive me if I am preaching at you - but faith does make a difference - Honestly if I didn't have faith in myself and others telling me to keep going I probably wouldn't be here today to write this.

I am attending a class at the local UU church about trying to overcome prejudice - in the context of our white middle class liberal church it has more to do with race than gender but prejudice comes in many different flavors. Wanted to share the opening poem from one of the sessions:


"Mattering"

My father asked if I am gay.
I asked, Does it Matter?
He Said, No not really.
I said, Yes.
He said get out of my life.
I guess it mattered.

My friend asked why I talk about race so much.
I asked, Does it matter?
He said, No not really.
I told him, Yes.
He said, You need to get that chip off your shoulder.
I guess it mattered.

My neighbor asked why I put that ramp up to my front door.
I said, Does it matter?
He said, No not really.
I told him because it made my life easier.
He said, Is there a way to make it less obvious?
I guess it mattered.

A member of my church asked why I like gospel music.
I asked, Does it matter?
She said, No, not really.
I told her that it connects me to my southern, Christian childhood.
She said, I think you're in denial about your oppression.
I guess it mattered.

My God asked me, Do you love yourself?
I said, Does it matter?
She said, YES!
I said, How can I love myself?
I am gay, Latino, disabled, and a Christian in a hostile climate.
She said that is the way I made you.
Nothing will ever matter again.

[Audioslave]

Okay, I may be behind the times to most of you on here, but bear with me.

Briefly, I'm a 28, close to 29, year-old male. I'm starting to question the dynamics of my sexuality (again). I tried to do it in my early 20s, but wasn't mature, confident, or emotionally durable enough to handle it. So, I guess I shelved it until it re-emerged about a month ago.

Now, it's different. I'm reasonably comfortable in admitting, to myself at least, that there's a real chance I'm bisexual, maybe gay. I certainly grew up hetero, no question. Never looked at males as sexual partners. But, at least within the past month, I have, and I think, at least in concept, that I probably would enjoy some level of intimacy with a man. I'm not exactly sure why though. I sometimes think it's more for an emotional connection or bond with another male, secondarily physical. Or maybe just the newness of it? Does this make sense to anyone?

Anyway, this range of sexual desires is driving me nuts. You really can't ignore years of history when trying to conclude your own sexuality.

It's pretty confusing, and driving me up a wall, headaches, constantly thinking about it, gauging my interest in everything that even walks by. I wish I could just relax about it, and I guess just be able to control my thoughts better, just not worry about it. Can anyone relate to this with personal experience, or just maybe make me feel a little bit better? I feel inferior in many ways because my sexuality is not clear cut my any stretch of the imagination at this point. I'm thinking about going on some anti-anxiety/obsessional medication just to help me "cope" or relax more than anything. But, at the same time, I don't want to rely on medication to "escape" this, either, because trying to escape it will only make it worse. I just want to come out of it mentally healthy and well-adjusted.

God,do i sympathise with you! Im 35 and have finally accepted im Bi. I love women but do find men sexually turn me on too. I cant tell my family,so have to keep this a part of me very few people know. I thought about it for many years and finally im at ease.

[izzfan]

No, it isn't fun - if the fundamentalists only knew how much of "choice" it really was maybe they would understand just how hurtful "What you feel in your heart is wrong, but don't worry - we'll change you." truly sounds.

With free will you can CHOOSE to deny a part of who you are - but the true nature and the issues surface again. If you think you could FIND a bi-friendly therapist by all means - maybe that is the best way.

Yeah, I read a quite disturbing article in "The Times" today about the whole 'ex-gay'/ 'reparative therapy' thing in America. The fact that people even run these programs (and somehow believe that they work) chills me to the bone.

oh, great poem btw.

----------
Anon,
Glad to hear that you've got over the worst of your inner conflict. As for acting on what you feel, that is really your decision at the end of the day but I would advise you not to rush into anything (I mean, when I first came out to myself as bi, I slept around a bit and while I don't exactly regret all of it - it's still something I would advise against).

I know what you mean about the whole resources thing. As I said in my previous post, check out the kinsey scale as it might be useful. Also, it might be a good idea to look through some of the old threads on here, you might find one by someone who was going through the same sort of thing you are. I don;t really know that many books about being bisexual but I'm sure if you looked around, you could find some. It might also be worth seeing if there are any LGBT groups in your area where you can talk things over (but just be aware that some may be focused more on gay/lesbian people and although most groups are alright, you might encounter some biphobia).

As for the anxiety and stress, it is probably a good idea to talk to a friend/ counsellor etc.. about these feelings even if you don't feel confident enough to explain why you are feeling them. Keeping those feelings hidden is really not good for you both psychologically and physically.

As for the religion thing, I don't know if you are religious or not (Personally, I'm not) but as Elian said, religion/belief can offer a lot of hope and meaning to people's lives. Just a shame that there is a lot of conservative and homophobic/biphobic bullshit that often ends up coming with it. If you beleive in God (or any higher power/being), it might be an idea to find a more open-minded church for support or to express your feelings about this and ask for help by praying.

I know it sounds obvious but have you ever considered using "erotica" to help you explore your sexuality and as an outlet for your feelings? The only problem with this, is that you have to find a good hiding place for it and this can lead to more anxiety - as there is nothing worse than being "outed" by someone finding your stash of porn.

I hope this has been helpful (sorry if I stated the obvious a few times)

[anon092708]

Well, sometimes I am tempted - at least in thought - to sleep around. I have to admit, the thought of having more options available isn't a bad idea. But, then there's reality.

I've tried to locate a LGBT group here in Indy just so I don't feel alone. No such luck so far. I've been trying to set up an appointment with a gay/lesbian friendly anxiety and depression counselor here in Indy. I kind of clued in my brother tonight about me having some things I wanted to talk about dealing with relationships, etc. He has this impression that I'm a big (hetero) pimp, which I think in a consequence-free, conscience-free world, I would be, but that's not reality. He goes, "You got a juicy story for me?" Because of that stupid comment, I just didn't want to bring it up, and I may not. I have a couple of other friends I want to talk to.....they knew what I was going through at age 20, so it wouldn't be a "shock" this time. One of my friends told me the first time when I told him I was worried about losing friends, "If a friend left you because of what you told him, would you really want or need him to be your friend anyway?" I remember it clearly as I type this.

I am a reasonably religious person. I'm Catholic and not afraid to admit it. I'm not a cafeteria Catholic, as I do believe in what the Church teaches. I do believe that science and Catholicism can co-exist and actually support each other. The Church may not approve of homosexuality, but I do love to remember that, although the Bible has certain passages that condemn homosexuality, the Gospels - the Man Himself - do not refer to homosexuality at all, except indirectly only when Christ talks about the sinfulness of pre-marital sex.

My point is that we as a society are hypocritical in the treatment of non-heterosexuality. Heterosexual promiscuity, pre-marital sex, contraception, etc., is commonplace and considered "par" for the course. It's "okay." But, is bi/homosexuality worse? Society says so, but it's clearly not.

Christians tend to forget that. We're all sinners - heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals - in the realm of sexuality and outside of it. And we always will be. But, that doesn't make us evil people, as long as our hearts are in the right places. It's just what makes us human and fallible. That's why I will always do my best to go to Mass and practice my faith, because the married heterosexual couple sitting next to me is just as sinful as I am.

Okay, I'm tired. I hope that wasn't too much religious "junk" for anyone. But, I just had to get it out there. Goodnight.

[biChris_m]

Anon092708,

I used to live in Indiana and can see why its very difficult to find like minded individuals. There are not that many places in indy that are gay friendly, let alone bi friendly. I suggest you travel, you are close enough to Chicago that you can visit bars and other nightspots that are to your liking. Oh, and I did have a bi "buddy" back in Indy. Took a while before I met him but he is a really good friend even without the "benefits." We still keep in touch even if I've moved out of state.

[anon092708]

Oddly, I was in Chicago last weekend and said to myself, "This place is so large, nobody would care what I did with myself!" Not that Indy's small, but a huge metropolis like Chicago is cool. I'd ride the train all day, every day. I'd consider moving there, except I can't stand winter here, let alone there.