The Bi SPOUSES Side....understanding both sides

[onewhocares]

After having posted to the thread " Bi Because of Necessity" last evening, I began to think more about the subject. This morning I have come back to read the subsequent comments. I am not sure if the comments made about men becoming bisexuals because their wives are not attentive to their needs is a true comment....but...has anyone ever considered what it is like from the straight wife's side of being married to a bi sexual? I know that there are a number of us on this site....vocal ones such as myself, Kate, Mrs. F just to name a couple who are not afraid to share our thoughts about a relationship with a bisexual married man. So I thought it would be a fine time to re- explore that topic.

Some background.......I know for me, in the nearly 24 years hubby and I have been together ( Yes, he did tell me before we were married that he had been with other men. Granted being a tad naive, I really did not even comprehend what the term bisexual meant) I always knew that there was something "missing" in our relationship. Honestly I thought it was because I lacked experience( as he did with a woman)...the first man I made love with I married and did not have any experience at all. I remember vividly, and heartbreakingly, the "talks" that he and I would have after sex. I would see how he seemed to thoroughly enjoy our lovemaking and get so much out of it and I was often left by the wayside, feeling unfulfilled and unwanted. Being the kind of woman I am, I naturally assumed it was me..that I was not a good lover so as to satisfy him enough where he would want to please me. So I made it my business to learn everything and anything to try and make our intimate relationship better. I can not tell you how many books I read, movies I watched for tips and pointers. I bought the sexiest lingerie I could find to fit this tall blonde( at that time I was a brunette I confess). Over the years nothing seemed to fill an answer to the missing link. Well...in the midst of this....well life happens. Children come, work and family make your life full and at times there were no time to think about what was missing. I finally gave up and came to the conclusion that indeed it must be me..that I must be the reason why our love life suffered. Never in all those years had I ever even given it a thought that he would have wanted a man....never.

Then one circumstance seemed to put all the pieces to the puzzle together. We were in Disney world at Blizzard Beach and he went to change out of this bathing suit as our daughter and I did. Well we waited and waited and he seemed to be taking a long time ( and they say women take a long time in the bathroom) and finally he came out, I made a comment about how long..he said there was a line and well we went on with our vacation. Well some months later, when we were making love...a comment came out about that day. Well, bright bulb that I am, ridding hubby cowgirl..the LIGHT goes off in my head...gee, perhaps THAT is the missing link. ( Looking back some four years now and the visual of what I just said seem so funny) So being the ever adventurous woman took that comment he made about the real reason he stayed so long in the changing room...that there was a really hot man that caught his attention and he could just not leave him to heart. So I said...hmm Belle why don't you see if this may be the solution. I then made it a point to include thoughts and comments about another man in our love making, fantasy and such. I can tell you from that moment on, it was if I was with a brand new man...he went from someone who seemed to never want to make love to someone who wanted to be there.

Ever being the woman who wants to please the man she is with I began searching for a man. I had NO clue where to begin. Well as luck would have it I was searching for a place to go for our anniversary that would have a better than average selection of men...I chose Ogunquit, Maine. It was while I was looking for hotel rooms that I came upon one place that was run by two gay men and thru their site I found Bisexual.com. I had come to the perfect place. I found a place where I learned about bisexuality. In all honesty I thought that no one here would except me, being the wife and straight, but how very wrong I was. I found a wealth of support and understanding from not only bi men and women, but also their spouses too. It opened my eyes for sure. In our search to find a man for our lives we have met some nice people. While hubby and I searched for one man, I was the lucky one to meet so so many wonderful people who are, I may add, most treasured parts of MY life. We have had lovers from this site, and sadly, the journey to find just one man to want to be part of our life has not come to fruition. It was while involved with other men that the most amazing enlightenment occurred. Turns out all those years of thinking that I was a bad lover and not adequate were so so not true. Come to find out, that I am for other men a most loving and giving partner whom they willingly give back to me and have brought me back the missing piece I had in my life. Turns out hubby finds greater satisfaction being with a man sexually than with me at times. I used to even beat myself up about that but have now come to the conclusion that yes, a man can give him things in his life that I can not, but then again a man is not me either. Above all, I found me, the true woman I was supposed to be and had always known was inside..it just took another man to bring that out to make me satisfied.

I know this is a long ramble, but I am writing this so that perhaps other wives of bisexual men, and even husbands of bisexual woman can find some consolation in knowing that they are not alone. I do not think that men become or try bisexuality because their wives force them into it. It was always within them, it is part of the man they are. Perhaps it is their feelings about themselves which bring about the desire to be with another man, not cause a woman does not put out (forgive that crude remark). I will say, that I do think that perhaps men do turn to another woman if they are not having their needs fulfilled at home...and honestly that is sad, for I have been in the company of friends who have little affection, intimacy, and tenderness at home.

Would others like to perhaps add their comments and experiences to this so that others can learn? How have others found a place for another person in their lives.


Belle

[still_shy]

On the subject of spouses with bisexual mates, I'm going to share something my husband wrote to me when we were first considering sharing our relationship with someone else...either through me being with a woman alone or he and I together with another woman. Re-reading this letter just makes me realize what a wonderful man my husband is all over again. At the time, I was writing about my fears for our relationship. I felt that he had been cheated by marrying a girl he didn't know was bisexual and that it would adversely affect our relationship.
"I fully embrace all of your desires, as they are part of you-just as I embrace your every other trait. What you do with your feelings is up to you. My only requirement is that you go with whatever you feel will make you the happiest you can be. As long as honesty and communication stays open, then I am opposed to almost nothing. It is your choice but you aren't alone and never will be. I will love and support you in all things, forever. Being attracted to someone else NEVER detracts from our love or attraction from each other. The quest for emotional fullfillment is infinitely connected to sexuality."
Obviously I have edited for space and time. For several weeks, we talked until we were blue in the face, I waffled back and forth between wishing I wasn't attracted to women, and dying to be with one. Through all the tears and confusion, he was right there the entire time, cheering me on. And he has carried through with his promises to be with me and stand by me always, as the first relationship I had with a girl was a horrible mess. He helped pick me up when I was down about it, and helped extract me from the relationship when it proved to be a lot more than I expected. We have been with a woman together, but ultimately, his desire is to love and support me. I know it hasn't been easy for him, for all his bravado, he couldn't predict his feelings. I am thankful that he worked through them with me, and that our relationship is sooooooooo much stronger for it.

Thanks Belle, for allowing me the chance to remember once again, how lucky a girl I am to have such a wonderful, loving, caring husband :)
Hillary

[12voltman59]

Belle--thanks for posting up some very personal thoughts on this subject--you are actually pretty bold considering we have this whack job troll hitting the site who likes to take personal things that people put and and tries to "mind game" them.

This may be a bit of an off topic post---but over the years--I have had friends in marriages who came out that they had attractions to those of the same sex--in these cases--they left their "straight" marriages to go be with their new found same sex lovers.

It is funny in a way (and maybe not so funny) that after a period of time--those new relationships often fell apart too and with both the men and women--- going into it--they sort of had the notion that being with someone of the same sex was going to be the best thing since sliced white bread and would finally be the answer to all their problems--the "grass is greener" sort of thing---they said that they wound up having the same sorts of issues crop up in their same sex relationships that they had in their straight relationships---issues of who is in control, the same insecurities and such---so they found that when it comes to relationships---we bring the baggage we have inside us and all that to any relationship we establish.

I am glad that you are figuring things out Belle and try to reach out to help others---keep on being the person you are!!

You are great!!

[onewhocares]

Volty,

Thank you for your comments. I am so NOT AFFRAID of our resident troll for I know what I stand for and how I am viewed upon by the members of this site. People that know me will certainly see clear through any comments he may make or emails sent with my signature on them. I do not worry. To me, it only pays homage to the delinquency of this much disturbed individual. The addage.....Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but a troll will never hurt me! I am one hell of a strong woman! When was the last time you saw someone break the will of a six foot tall blonde from Boston with a personality like mine?

Back to the thread. I guess I have been the kind of woman that even though it is hard for me to go through things, if by sharing what I have gone through, I could perhaps enlighten or help others. This morning after posting this thread I asked a former lover, but still true friend and confidant, about his take on the thread. His comments were....." Nice thread, but it must bring back some demons?" to which I replied.. Well if it help others to understand then it will be alright. "Possibly true",his comment became. Life is a learning lesson I countered. His most profound reply was...."Or possibly, those lessons are life". I guess THIS is the reason I open myself up and share my life lessons with others. I have been the beneficiary of learning so so much about being bisexual, being the spouse of a bisexual and friend and family member from others who are willing to give and share of themselves...so it is my turn to reciprocate and perhaps let those who have come after me to learn and be accepting.

To Hillary.....Yes you as well as my husband are the few who have totally open, loving and understanding partners who embrace the bisexual and know and love them for who the are and whom the shall always be. I remember fondly, the very first man that hubby and I met from this site. We sat and had coffee, all three of us and got to know each other. One comment which the gentleman made was...." at times I feel so ashamed for wanting a man in my life". I recall, going to sit on the side of the restaurant booth he was sitting on, taking his hand and saying to him, " I never want to hear those word again....NEVER be ashamed for your feelings The have made up the man that you are, the man that your wife, family and friends love." I repeat that mantra to so so many bisexuals that I meet. We as spouses have given our mates the freedom to go and try to be the whole person, both inner and ourselves that they are meant to be knowing that we will always be there to share their lives and loves. I know that in my case...my husband is most reciprocal of my acceptance and has allowed me to have men in my life that fill voids. This freedom has allowed me to become the woman I was always meant to be. This journey has been long and hard, so many tears have been and it has been hubby's arms around me and his hands that dry the tears when relationships end. I too have been there when he is saddened and disappointed and perhaps disillusioned when he can not find a man to be part of his life...it works both ways.

Damn, I think I am long winded here today.


Belle

[fairbankswingers]

Thank you so much for sharing those improtant parts of your life as it may help others who are in the same situation as you...again thank you :)

[onewhocares]

I think in all the time that I have been posting on this site, I have NEVER received such heartfelt outpouring of responses...not only here......but on private IM were people may feel safe and personal. THANK YOU ALL...for you have shown to me, that we are a most giving and thoughtful community willing to share our lives and our stories for the well being of others. I can not tell you how proud I am to be a part of this community.

Belle

[Mrs.F]

Very,very intersting Belle. Amazing how many of us feel the same way but yet have many different experiences behind them. While you knew about your husband before you married and somewhat in the back of your mind knew that he had been with men and enjoyed it....I didn't have a clue! I met Flounder at the age of 17, a senior in high school, he had just moved back home to his parents after quiting college because he hated it. We met on a blind date through a mutual friend. We went out, we got closer, and closer and next thing I know I am 23 and getting married. Never in even my wildest dreams did I ever think that he had been with guys before he met me or that he would someday again want to be with guys sexually. I will be the first to admit that I was not raised by awful parents but my parents had their idea's on things and they really did shove their idea's on to us kids. I was afraid to think outside the box and lived most my life closed minded. If my parents didn't believe in it or think it was ok I didn't either. Flounder was afraid to tell me, knowing I would never accept it or understand it. I am proud to say that I surprised the hell out of him when I did find out and after many weeks of feeling every emotion there is came around and joined this site to better understand him and all this bisexual stuff. And like Belle, what I found was a hell of a lot more than I ever expected. I found friends and people who were very eager to help me understand him. Since then I have really discovered more about myself and how I was lacking in my love life and sex life. Sometimes I do sit and find myself embarrassed at the lack of knowledge I had on sex and love. I had no idea what I was missing until all this happened.

It's been 3 yrs. now since I found out about my husband. We have gone through many phases of this and that and while this might work, that is not going to. We have met some men together as a couple until I realized that was not what I wanted. I am allowing him to find a male to be friends or more with, and he has allowed me to find a male friend to help me with the parts of our relationship he can't fulfill for me. I have found that male friend that I love dearly and have been close too for the nearly 3 yrs. I have been a member of this site. My husband has yet to find a man that wants what he wants. And the one problem we have with all this is I do not want to be a part of his relationship with this man (if he ever finds one) and he wants me to be and also to play as a couple. So again we are still not agreeing on things. But we continue hoping one day we will all have what we need and want.

It's been a real struggle and I'm sure will continue to be a struggle. Who ever said life was easy or fair. But out of all of this...we have discovered that honesty is a MAJOR factor that is a must for any relationship to work. Had he been doing any of this behind my back..I never would have understood or even tried to understand.

Another point that Belle brought up, as did someone else in another thread. My husband knew he was bisexual long before he met me. He chose to put all that away under lock and key to marry me..the closed minded woman. And after are difficulty of getting pregnant and being on hormone medication and finally having a baby....my sex drive was, well, NOTHING. I was not even remotely interested in sex or even having him touch me. Did this behavior of mine towards him turn him back to men for sex.......YES, it did. Did my behavior and lack there of turn him Bi and interested in men..NO, it did not.

I rambled off a short book myself here....but I know there are other spouses out there, being husband or wife who will or have to go through this. If I can help anyone like I had people help me than I've done what I wanted to do.

Mrs.F

[Vikkster230]

This particular thread does ring a whole bunch of meaning for me, although for the opposite meaning... I am the one who is at least bi-curious (only because I have not had any experience yet). Prior to my marriage, my hubby and I talked about possible threesomes and being with other women. It never happened due to my insecurities of wanting to share hubby with another woman... When I got married, I thought well that was it, I said vows and that's it.

The "problem" for me was that the thoughts and desires were still for me. I wanted to experience a gentle woman's touch, as well as other things that go along with it. I was very afraid to talk about it with hubby. I mean we had and have a great relationship and our sex life is and was wonderful, so it wasn't like I was lagging or not getting something from him. It has more to do with the abuse I sustained as a child. My mother physically, mentally, emotionally and psychologically used me. For a long time, I was afraid that every woman would feel the very same way towards me. I've worked on that thought a lot and no longer thing that.

I didn't know how hubby was going to take the talk where I told him that I want to explore that side of me. That it had nothing to do with him and that I don't know if that side would ever include him. Well I'm happy to report that he was not only understanding, but has been very supportive of my actually talking to him and asking for what I need in order to complete who I think I am. It's been about 3.5 years since I've talked with him and although I haven't had any experiences with other women, it's nice to know that I have the support of the man in my life... I don't know if hubby will share me with another woman, I do know that he would be devastated if I ever was with another man... That is something that I never need to worry about though. I don't know whether or not this fits this thread, I just felt called to wrote about my situation... :female:

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

You tell 'em Girlfriend! I oughta make you a T-shirt that says "I aint afraid of no Troll" lol
Big hugz to you Honey.
Yer Cat.

[onewhocares]

Miss Cat.....when you do that....please make it extra tall and a bit wide for my curvy body........


Mrs. F.,

Thank you for your open and honest comments. I do agree with you that how many of us have been through rather different circumstances, but the feelings and emotions are the same, be they from a man or a woman who is the spouse or partner of a bi person.

Your comment about me knowing before I was married....yes I knew, but never did I really think that he was playing behind my back. I thought that I was woman enough for him. In those years trust was never and issue.

Since this post and others recently, hubby and I have been talking alot and little things have come out. He does have a lover who is half a country away and he sees when the fellow travels. Turns out the fellow and he have strong feelings for each other and the other man wants to have a greater relationship but hubby has lain that asside and wants to continue in the life he has....this was new to me. Life is always changing here.....

Belle

[darkeyes]

Am the "spouse" of a bi woman.. lil diff from most of ya since me a gay woman meself. Kate an me had a rite rocky ole road ova the last few years, mostly down 2 me.. for all that an the fact that Kate gets the hots for guys more than gals..its me finally she plumped for... but strayin an havin our fun outside a the relationship aint parta the deal... it broke us up 1ce an hav no intention a goin through that gain... blubbed mesel dry wen we wer apart an it wud jus b 2 much 2 suffer that for a 2cd time in me life.. she is a funny gorge sexy woman but she is a lil ole fashioned in that its luff for life an the commitment is all an no extra curricular activities... it not natural 2 me.. but hav a choice.. b with the woman me luffs an God.. am lukky who luffs me.. or go bak 2 playin the field an hav fun knowin jus wot the consequences wud b.. ther no fun wivout er.. not reely.. ther only like the alcoholic..drinkin mesel drunk 2 forget...

So am livin from day 2 day.. the bottles r ther every time me walks outa the door.. jus tryin wiv all the will power me has ..not 2 break 1 open...

[angelrose1955]

My Dear Belle

I too felt this way when I was married to my husband. Never fulfilled in that very special way. He wasn't bi, or at least he didn't confess to being bi, but the whole time I was married I always wondered....just certain actions and ways he talked made me think he was.
I always thought it was my fault...that I wasn't loving enough...didn't look the "perfect picture"...(face it , I am a BBW through and through) but I was when he married me...but that never occured to me. I was always blaming myself for not being the wife he needed and that is why he didn't satisfy me...who would want to satisfy someone like me....what a waste of human emotions.
Some things happened during my marriage that I will not discuss, but that even through me deeper into a depression about sex and marriage.
Finally, 8 years after my husband's death....I met a openly bi man...one who is caring, loving, supportive of me. What a difference in my life he has made. I like you...have found that I am a very satisfied woman...that it wasn't me...my fault that the husband didn't satisfy...
My partner now and I have discussed the idea of finding another bi man to join us....but for now we are being exclusive...learning more and more about each other. I have found that I still have some issues left over from the marriage that crop up once and awhile...and frankly until these are worked out I am certain that we will remain exclusive. Sometimes I wonder if it is being fair to him....but then HE is the one that says he wants to be exclusive for now.
This bisexuality is new to me...and at times I have questions that I would love to discuss with others.
Shameless is very loving...and tells me he loves me...of which i have no doubt at all...I know his "straight" side is satisfied...and I will do everything in my power to make sure his "bi" side is satisfied as well...when the time is right and he wants to explore that...I will support him in every way.
You, my dear lady...is one reason why I joined this site...for the insights I can get from others like me who have gone through all of this already...I look for guidance and help in this world so new to me. For I am committed to this man...mind, body, heart and soul and want to please him in every way...after all...we will be together for a long, long time
Thank you for your thread...it is good for me to remember you are there if I need help.
AngelRose

[RockGardener]

What can I add to this wonderful thread?

Although I myself am bi, I am also the "spouse" of a bi man. So maybe I can add a slightly different slant to the issue.

My guy knew I was bi when we met. It was in my profile on another site, and we talked about it. At that time I had never had any actual FF contact, but there was no curiousness about it. I knew I was bi.

We dated for 2 months before we started "going together". He slowly came out to me after we started going together. It took about a month of testing the waters before he finally came all the way out to me. He was not bicurious, but just afraid to tell me. He has been bi his whole life and I accept that. It is just part of being him. He would not be the same person if he was not bi.

I support him totally in his decisions. We have decided that we don't want to explore our sexuality apart from each other. I have been with him every time he has been with a guy since we've been together. In fact, I've probably arranged all the meetings, and he has been with me every time, but one, that I have been with a lady.

So far, he has not expressed any desire for a relationship with a guy. All of his love is for me. I have a relationship with a certain lady from this site, some of you know her.

I feel one of the biggest issues after a spouse has fully accepted the sexual desire of their bi spouse is the issues of loving another. There is a difference between wanting sex and wanting love. Some spouses can accept that their SO wants sex with another, but it is a whole 'nother thing if your spouse wants to love another. There are doubts in the back of your mind, "Will they love another more than me?" or "How can he love me and another at the same time?"

I will try to get him to post as well with his feelings of being the spouse of a bi person.

[twisted sister]

hi alll: just another str8 wife with her :2cents:. we've been together for 30 yrs now. seriously the first time i saw him i was hoping he "walked both sides of the street", cause i'm a little kinky myself. sex, life, everything is better since we've cum clean to one and other. he's "my best friend", and i wouldn't have it any other way.

[shameless agitator]

What a wonderful thread! Thank you Belle for starting this. I know when I first joined this site y'all made me really feel at home and some of the straight partners have had some really interesting insights on the different issues. I know that as the bi spouse hearing what it's been like for y'all has made me more aware of how difficult my bisexuality can be for my partner to deal with. Belle, Mrs. F & Jen especially have all been pretty enlightening. I think having the straight perspective on being with a bisexual makes me a bit more considerate & less likely to trod on her heart without realizing it. I also want to thank everybody for making Angel feel so welcome here. It's important we keep our little "family" together.

D