Controlling Emotions

[Toad82]

How do you separate your emotions so they are not over powering. I have a friend that I have gone though a lot with since I have known him. Long story short I am in love with him, he is now married, he knows how I feel and at one time he felt the same way, I am glad that they are happy and they are/were excepting a baby.

I have found out that they may have had a miscarriage and I don’t know how to be there for him or them. I have a form of autism so I have not really had all that much experience with emotions and to be honest all of my emotions are mixed in with thoughts of him, even if it has nothing to do with him. I am freaking out for both of them, I don’t want them to have to deal with the loss of their first child.

I have already told him he can talk to me if he wants, but I don’t know what to say to them. Him in particular. He has just lost his job and he ask if he could borrow some money so I will be seeing him tomorrow. What can I say to him when I see him?



Sorry if this is not coherent, I’m not really thinking right.

[onewhocares]

Toad,

You are indeed on the right track. You are concerned about your friend and his wife and the loss of their child. You are their FRIEND, one who is kind and caring and want them to know that you are there for them in their time of sorrow. That is what counts.

I guess for me, I would go to them and say exactly what you have said above....that you do not know what to say but want them to know that you are their for "them" and they can lean upon you for support, comfort or someone just to hold them when they cry.

I think you will do fine,

Belle

[scorpio9]

You're very coherent Toad, and you seem very competent. Being honest and caring is all you need to handle emotions and help. I agree, you'll do just fine

[csrakate]

Sometimes you need not say a word but simply offer a hug and a shoulder to cry on...allowing him the chance to share his feelings with YOU! You sound like a wonderful friend and the fact that you're in love with him shouldn't hinder your ability to be there for him.

I wish you the best of luck and just know that "being there" may be all that he needs.

Hugs,
Kate

[elian]

The fact that you want to shelter them from the loss of their first child says positive things about the compassion in your character. They WILL have to face the loss -unfortunately it is inevitable - the fact that they have friends like you who care about them to help get through it makes a big difference.

As long as you are honest about your wishes for both of their happiness I think all of the above suggestions are good ones.

[Toad82]

They did lose the baby, but they don’t know why yet. I have did what I can for them, what they have asked for. I guess I don’t understand emotions at all. They don’t seem to be hurting in any way, but maybe they are in private. I think they will be okay.


Thank you to those who replied.




RJ:lokai:

[csrakate]

Don't try and understand the emotions that they may or may not be feeling right now. Losing a child as they did often leaves people feeling numb at first...there are no answers for them right now....there are no reasons for them as to why the baby didn't survive...it just happens that way sometimes. Try not to worry about how they are coping but instead do as you have been doing and allow yourself to be available to them. That is all they want and all they need right now. You're doing just fine.

[Lienda]

Toad

You have done all you can for them so far. Your friend and his wife will have to deal with it as a couple, since it was their baby, whether they want to or not. Just try to be the friend you were before any of that happened. :shades: So are you in general Autism, or do you have certain spectrum within Autism? :impleased I am self dxed Aspergers.

[jem_is_bi]

We all experience tradegy. Eventually we heal the trauma to our inner-self and even sooner with friends like you to share our pain and help us and you back to the joy of life. Events such as theirs and yours need not be part of lifes regrets, if, we make them part of what we have sucessfully overcome.
Let that be your goal for you and him and them and it will happen. Otherwise, problems add and add and add. That is not a good alternative. On occasion, memories bring pain but the pain and fears fade fast if the shear joy of being alive prevade all that you do while your alive. Religion belief is not required. Loving your life and other lives is required. My advise is to do what you need to do, such that you eventually love every day of your life, even those filled with pain. However, never accept suffering. Rather, triumph over it.

[AFTER9]

What I find helpful is just doing something positive. Help a charity, be kind to homeless or lonely even pick up some ugly trash marring nature.

The feeling of helplesness only gets numbed by a tiny bit still.......

[bamberggm]

A few days ago i was driving and some bitch cut me off i was in my truck with alot of my friends when i blurted out F'ing faggot lol. Everyone in the truck was well a "faggot" including me so well it was just weird. Everyone was looking at there feet and i had t swallow my soutern pride and apologize lol.

[Mrs.F]

I agree with what has been said above. Everyone deals with grief in different ways. Having had 2 miscarriages myself I understand their pain and while I was a basket case after my first one, I was able to deal better with the second one. They may just not want to talk about it or are not ready to talk about it or may never talk about it. Being a good friend doesn't always mean that you have to give them advice or find the right words....there are no right words sometimes. But for them...knowing you are there if they do need a shoulder or hug or even to have a good time with a friend discussing nothing but the weather is perfectly enough. Just seeing the smile on your face might be enough. Your a good friend for caring so much and that's all anyone could ask for. :angel:

[Toad82]

Are you autistic or just mentally retarded toad?

A bit of both!
:tong:

RJ:lokai: