Relationships of Convenience....Is it a trend?

[onewhocares]

I have been chatting with people from this site whom I have known for years. In the depths of our conversations, about life, love, expectations, dreams and the like
we have, on many occasions, come around to how many people seem to exist in relationships of convenience? Perhaps at one time there was love and affection, but as of late there is a waning of the admiration and desire of times past. I have often wondered how this situation in many relationships has come to be? Some relationships are of five years, eleven, twenty or even longer and it seems that many people, both from this site and others are in a relationship of malaise. It seems to transcend all walks of life....ages, genders, economic backgrounds. Do we stay in relationships out of convenience, obligation, guilt, loneliness, dependency, economic need or for the sake of the children?

If it is for the children, what kind of an example is being set? We seem to stress to our children that we want them to "be happy" when they can see( I am a firm believer that children see more than what we expect) and sense that mom and dad are not happy. I always thought that a relationship , built on mutual understanding, goals, desires would grow and progress to new horizons where people would work hand in hand. I am seeing a surprising trend that the ideal, in and of itself is not happening. When, I wonder, do people who are perhaps courageous say enough is enough and say to their spouse or significant other...I am not happy, you are not happy..let us end this? From Maine to Massachusetts, Louisiana to Los Angeles, Pennsylvania to Paris it seems to be rampant. Could this be a reflection of the current economic condition, the state of world in turmoil or is it a far more deeper issue closer to ones home? I would be interested in your input and comments. Perhaps you are or have been in this situation and could offer advice to others.


Belle

[darkeyes]

Think alla these things Belle.. also mos peeps care for ther partner even if the zip has gone an even the luff... sumtimes peeps stay for the rong reasons.. sumtimes like sum peeps me knows cos its easier than clearin out an makin a fresh start.. sum peeps jus like 2 torture or b tortured..an if yas outstayed ya welcum or ya partner has it mus b torture.. wos for me an me x so on that kno a lil bout it... an asya get olda it prob is easier jus 2 go through life wiv wotya kno ratha than findin summat new.

Don think it is a new prob tho Belle. Its age old.. fact that haff a all marriages end up in divorce shows that mostly peeps don stik around, an that so many otha unwed relationships don last eitha... butyas rite.. sumtimes for reasons known unto themselves peeps stay wiv each otha that shudn.. afta the fire has died.. sumtimes for economic reasons sumtimes for kids... hav seen so many peeps struggle through for ther children even tho they so h8 bein wiv each otha... that is neva gud for the child an is far worse than the stress a relationships endin an peeps movin apart. Kids do pik up things..they sense so much.. an its jus not fair on them..

Sevral a me m8s r married an they stayin togetha an Christ knos wy.. it so obvious they not suited an that the relationship has gone down the pan.. a cupple hav kids 2 an ya can tell by ther reaction 2 wen mum an dad r togetha that they kno things aint rite.. for all ther unhappiness a wen mum or dad aint ther..they seem 2 b more jumpy an even more mizy wen they r togetha..

Sure try an c if wots broke can b repaired..but all 2 often peeps stik around 2 long 2 the detriment of all...

[MaybeSayMaybe]

Blame it on transactional liquidity. That's right - transactional liquidity.

Think of it this way. One hundred years ago, many of us were living on farms. If you were just an average county girl living on a farm, a local guy might walk, or ride a horse, or drive if he was lucky over to your farm from a significant distance. You'd sit out the porch with him, and he'd start putting the pressure on to marry him. And then daddy would start putting the pressure on to get you married off and off the farm. And you'd need a good excuse not to marry him if he had the ability to make ends meet with the both of you working your butts off.

He'd be working the fields, and she'd be doing endless chores, and the kids had to work to make ends meet. If the marriage didn't work, both were stuck with the problem and had to live with it.

Even in the 1960's it was more than just common for a housewife to sit at home all day doing chores. There was no second car in the driveway. She was trapped within the confines of the immediate neighborhood in all too many cases.

Then in about the late 1960's wives went into the work force in large numbers. Single women also had cars in large numbers for the first time. Everyone went to bars to look for significant (or insignificant) others. In other words, the transactional liquidity went up.

In the 1980's the communication revolution was just starting to heat up. Does anybody remember those 976 numbers that were so popular back then? Transactional liquidity went up again. One could now cast their net over a large urban area instead of a few bars.

In the 1990's the world wide web gave another extreme boost to to transactional liquidity. Now you had access to pictures, profiles, and search metrics over entire countries.

At present the mainstream Internet dating scene is fragmenting into many smaller specialty sites that are run on a shoestring. And everyone is starting to notice that nothing works better than actually going out there and meeting some people. People are recalibrating their expectations based upon the reality of a world saturated with information. Thus the desire for simpler relationships. Something simple that works well enough is better than something that overreaches and does not work. In a few years the trend will change again.

All this has happened before. The invention of the printing press had a gigantic effect. So did the invention of high-speed printing presses around the 1880s.

What will the next frontier in mating? Virtual reality sex? Could be.

[Meinbruder]

A good friend of mine is staying in a marriage for all the reasons you mention except the sake of the children. All the kids are grown and sprouted from a former wife. I would add one more reason to your list. Sheer Stupidity! Mea Culpa. When we met, it was lust at first sight. I was in a “women are bitches phase” and wasn’t even looking; she was in a “men are pigs phase” and had equally given up on dating. It wasn’t long before we were inseparable, she moved in and we married about a year later. It happened at not quite the famous seven-year point; she jumped the fence for a one more time for old times sake f—k, under the influence of alcohol and Don Juan (of course). Our marriage never recovered.

It would be fine for a while but fights would start for no reason or the same fight would be repeated apparently for the fun of it, more downs than ups. Nine years after the affair our life together became a living hell, she tortured me mentally and emotionally for a period of four months, I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. How else could I have become so stupid, useless, lazy, and thoughtless after sixteen years? That was when she confessed, on our anniversary no less to what the game had been. The guilt had built up to the point she couldn’t live with it and she figured that if I were pissed off enough to ask for a divorce she wouldn’t need to tell me about the once off. Here is where stupid came into the picture.

I forgave it all. Five years later I knew it was over but it took another five years to demand the divorce. Twenty-six years, the last ten of which were a complete lie; every step of the way was pledged to work out the problems. Do add stupidity to your list. If anyone reading this recognizes their relationship in my story, take my advice and end it before you get old enough to realize that the chance of a new relationship is somewhere between slim and none. Don’t be stupid. Don’t live half your life in a steadily degenerating lie.




Some relationships are of five years, eleven, twenty or even longer and it seems that many people, both from this site and others are in a relationship of malaise. It seems to transcend all walks of life....ages, genders, economic backgrounds. Do we stay in relationships out of convenience, obligation, guilt, loneliness, dependency, economic need or for the sake of the children?

Belle

[elian]

Does any one else see the irony of the top two threads at the moment being "Relationships of Convenience" followed by "Sucking your first cock.."

:)

[12voltman59]

I have had many married friends or those in long term relationships with someone that really, for a multitude of smaller reasons if not one big huge one in that they wanted to kill each other!!!, should have ended very early on

For many of them---it was because that "you are only supposed to have one person" or "I am committed to my marriage vows if not them"--and for another even bigger group---it was as much as anything that "I could not stand to be alone for one second and any relationship to me is better than no relationship---how in the hell can you stand to be alone most of the time??"

So--largely out society's expectations that in order to be a normal person--we have to "be with someone" irrespective of the mental and other consequences such thinking imparts----most people feel that they absolutely "have to have someone" and could not stand to be single and by single--I am not referring to marital status---most people cannot stand the notion of not having someone lying in the bed next to them--even if there is no love there and they fantasize about ringing the other's neck!!

To me--the thought of simply having someone with me just because I "have someone" was not something I was willing to accept---it had to be a case of that person wanted to be with me and I wanted to be with them--and if that feeling left either of us or both--then it was time to say our goodbyes and part company.

Going more directly to your question Belle--I think that many of the relationships people have are those of convenience----this is a bit crude, but it contains a kernel of truth---we used to say back in the Coast Guard that many guys got married to the first girl who gave him a blowjob and the girl gave that BJ to the guy because he was her best hope of getting out of some Bum Fuck Egypt little shit hole town----and for those of means---it was and still often is expected that a person of one family is going to marry someone of another prominent family----and God help them if they ever broke that marriage up--a marriage which is more of a merger than a loving, fulfilling union---there are lots of reasons why people are in relationships of convenience.

If you have been with someone 20 or 30 years--and you do know that whatever good things you felt for your partner years ago are long gone and you should be too--it is a scary and daunting prosepect to "get back out there in the meat/meet market!" so people in that situation will suffer through a relationship gone way bad--or at least pretty well lifeless and loveless.

[darkeyes]

Don get me rong Meinbruder am not challengin ya version a wot happened inya own life wiv ya own wife.. it is a fact that most peeps version a relationship collapse, in ther own head usually reflects eitha how they c things or how they wan the world 2 c things.. often, if not usually a combination a both.. wot we don hav is her version a the wys an werfores of wot obviously wos a very painful experience.. but w e r nun of us sufficiently objective in such circumstances 2 b the mos reliable witnesses.. we often hav a vested interest in portrayin ourselves as the injured party.. the story ya relate has sum resonance wiv the tales of woe wich peeps in me own life hav used 2 gain me own an the sympathy of othas.. an in sum cases 2 get them on ther side in the ongoin dispute tween 2 peeps whose relationship has collapsed inta enmity an recrimination... we like 2 appear 2 the world the injured party...

There r so many things in a relationship that even in the best an closest there will b differences an disputes...sumtimes rancour an anger.. but wer there r 2 or more peeps involved there will always b more than 1 story an often nun, one or all can hav the ring a truth.. nun will eva b the whole truth, cos bein involved we r jus 2 close 2 it, an we c things in our own peculiar way... we don all do it of course an sumtimes we can stand bak an b objective at least in part..but even then doubt entirely so.. this is more true afta time has elapsed an we can stand bak an begin 2 accept that mayb, our facts aint quite all the facts an our justice aint the only justice...for instance me holds me hands up as bein predominantly responsible for the breakdown of me marriage.. wos me that strayed..me that got caught out.. me that neva owned up bout me sexuality, me that wos dishonest wiv im from day 1..an even before... me that harped on bout goin out an havin fun an wantin 2 c me m8s.. me that went on an on bout neva goin ne wer an on bout is mum.. me that embarrassed im in fronta 'is friends an family.. me that wos neva happy wiv me lot..

Yet me husband wosn entirely lakkin in responsibility... least not in my eyes... e wos luffly sexy guy in so many ways, generous 2 a fault, an me neva wanted for very much materially... an yet 'e wos simply borin.. 'is life wos 'is business, an' is business 'is life, an me wos jus the lil woman who wos expected 2 host 'is dinna parties an barbi's, an look cute for 'is guests..look afta the house an do wot the lil woman wos supposed 2 do... wosn expected 2 hav a brain in me head an NEVA speak disrespectfully 2 is beluvved mother... or 'is friends.. e' didn like arguin.. so e' copped it in 'is earole eva increasingly ova the time we wer togetha... in the end me need for me own sex became overwhelmin an me need 2 hav sum freedom for wich me wos responsible an he had absolutely no say in...me needed me own life.. an no longa wanted 2 live the life e had mapped out for me...

So there r 2 sides.. prob like me u shud neva hav gotten married 2 the person ya did.. we meet we fall in luff an we marry or move in wiv each otha.. we think we kno each otha an hav an undastandin an think all will b hunky dorey foreva.. sumtimes it works an sumtimes it jus don work out.. cos as we liv togetha we find out that we do hav differences..an differences wich matta..an we cant always bak down.. we hav interests that don match our partner's an r incompatible with remainin togetha.. as time goes on the gulf becums wider an we grow apart so much that break up is inevitable. We stop listenin 2 each otha..we talk ova each otha..an we do our own thing... we stop compomisin an tryin 2 make things work...unlike u..my husband didn wait so long fore showin me the door.. an me wos rite glad 2 go....there wer recriminations an unpleasantness.. sum carries on till now but at least we can speak 2 each otha..in time mayb we can forgive each otha for our stupidity an selfishness an dishonesty..an for all a the stress we put each otha through.. still accept me wos the main cause a the break down cos deep down jus didn luff im enuff or latterly, respect 'im enuff.. but 'e hasta carry summa the blame an all.. there r always 2 sides 2 every sad tale...

So wile me feels for ya hun...jus as me loathes wot me did 2 me x hubbie.. it aint eva black an wite.. we all hav sum responsibility for how our life pans out.. howeva much we wish it wer otha.. we havta b honest wiv oursels fore we can b truly honest wiv otha peeps...

[elian]

I guess when you put more than enough time and energy into something it can be hard to let go - dealing with the emotions entwined in intimate relationships and the thought of being vulnerable - and the thought of what it might do to the other if you really care for them can be powerful motivators regardless of whether or not a particular situation is healthy.

I know nobody likes a smartass, but actually the trend of marriage for convenience has been around for centuries. People married for big (gesture, gesture) tracts of land, for politics, for survival - being driven by sheer emotion to marry someone is is a relatively new phenomenon in human history..before that we were just too busy surviving.

At least that's what history books seem to indicate - but then again - people were a lot less open about intimate relationships in the past - maybe it just wasn't written down.

-E

[Meinbruder]

You are absolutely right, there are all ways two sides to every story. She would be more than happy to tell you all about how lazy, stupid and useless I was for the last ten years, but the simple fact remains; I should have divorced her @$$ on our sixteenth anniversary, not the twenty-sixth. I stayed in it because I was stupid. She tearfully begged me to stay in the relationship every time the fighting got out of hand, and then started the fighting all over again. Even dragging us into counseling three years ago to “save” the marriage.

At the bitter end, she informed me that our marriage was over, after stringing me along for ten years. I was welcome to stay, as a room-mate but not a husband. I handed her my ring.






So wile me feels for ya hun...jus as me loathes wot me did 2 me x hubbie.. it aint eva black an wite.. we all hav sum responsibility for how our life pans out.. howeva much we wish it wer otha.. we havta b honest wiv oursels fore we can b truly honest wiv otha peeps...

[NWMtnHawk]

I watched my parents fight and struggle to save their marriage up until I was 16; by that time I was old enough to understand that a divorce was the best answer for all involved, (both of them and us 4 kids).

Later on as an adult I had conversations with both my mom and dad, and they told me it was mostly a case of, "We tried to work it out for you kids, but we realized, finally, that that was not a good reason because all we suceeded in doing was making everyone miserable."

I came to a realization early on in life, . . . in my opinion, it's better to come from a broken home, than to live in one.

[Mrs.F]

I know alot of people who stay together because in this day and time being alone is frightening. Starting over is not something anyone wants to do when you've been together for many yrs. and it's all you know.

I worry about a friend of mine most of all. He works away from home for weeks at a time and is home for a short time. When he tells me that the only reason they are still together is because he works away from home.....what does that tell you?? When he goes home and listens to constant bickering and someone telling him what to do and how to do it to the point that he may not want to leave home to go back to work but he's ready because he can't handle anymore of what he's living with. What does that tell you? To me it says that the time has come to end the relationship and try to maybe keep a friendship if possible.

I know my own marriage has issues...I fully admit that. I know that alot has changed in the past few yrs. for us and I, myself have been seeing a therapist. Sometimes it's just a matter of we have gotten older and we have changed. I'm not the same woman I was when I was younger. This does not mean that I'm a bad person or he's a bad person....as some of you have said above...Things just change and it's how we deal with it that makes the difference. Doesn't mean we don't love each other. I worry that many people won't admit there is a problem because we have each become the "permanant fixture" in each other's lives. We don't know anything without the other being there. Perfect example. My inlaws. All they do is fight and yell and yet they dont' know how to live without each other. They've been together so long that it's just not right to be without the other.

So yes, relationships sometimes, most times stay together out of convenience. I fully believe that!!!

[darkeyes]

You are absolutely right, there are all ways two sides to every story. She would be more than happy to tell you all about how lazy, stupid and useless I was for the last ten years, but the simple fact remains; I should have divorced her @$$ on our sixteenth anniversary, not the twenty-sixth. I stayed in it because I was stupid. She tearfully begged me to stay in the relationship every time the fighting got out of hand, and then started the fighting all over again. Even dragging us into counseling three years ago to “save” the marriage.

At the bitter end, she informed me that our marriage was over, after stringing me along for ten years. I was welcome to stay, as a room-mate but not a husband. I handed her my ring.
Hun.. not 2 sure yas taken on board much a this..think on both sides ther more...much more than ya lettin on..

[Bluebiyou]

... From Maine to Massachusetts, Louisiana to Los Angeles, Pennsylvania to Paris it seems to be rampant. Could this be a reflection of the current economic condition, the state of world in turmoil or is it a far more deeper issue closer to ones home?

Belle

I think it is natural and good.
You have no choice over who or what you fall in love with. And everyone owes it to him/herself to pursue this at least once in life.
There is more to each of us than our current 'love'. We can strive for other things in a union.
But this remains: all love we experience is temporary. It may last until our next orgasm, a few days, or a few decades...

If you're more emotionally based or more selfish... you will tend toward the feeling of love.
If you're more giving, etc. you will tend toward other things (perhaps the decision of love?).
Just as our sexuality is not an end-all factor in who we are.
What REALLY flips our rocks, and where we are... mostly determines our course.

The insecure hope for security.
There is none... this is life...

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Been here, done this, DearHeart. I just got out of a relationship like this, and am still feeling the sting of "Feeling Used"

After having talked to a 'few' of the Ex Significant Other's Ex's I came to the conclusion that all he ever wanted from a relationship was someone to take care of him and more or less take over his financinal woes. I did this for 4 years, and thought that I was helping him in the meaning of Love. I thought I loved him at first because in the beginning he treated me better than my Ex-Husband Ever did...but I found out that he had done this to Several women who tried to "Help him out" over the years by doing monitary things for him and by giving him things to help him out.
I got dupede. Plain and simple.

What it turned out to be was a matter of: Helping him establish a contact with the Veterans Administration so that he could get his medications to help him regulate his high blood pressure, thusly making it possible for him to continue working. I got his VA benefits for him after him saying, "I cant get this, I cant get that"

I found out this was his Mantra.."I can't do this, or that"

Fighting to get us a house to live in, only to have him lose the house after all I did to fight for it was the thing that killed my heart and soul. All I worked so hard for to make us a Home, just to see it all slip away.
I took care of all of the "Major" bills such as electricity, and water, and he took care of the internet and the phones.
I took care of the house and the yard, all of the bills and the vehicles, and he took out the trash on trash day. I bought a cord of wood to keep us warm in the winter, he complained because the wood wasnt put away in the small wood shed. Then he got pissed when I paid a guy to come mow and take care of the yard. I Had to...I kept losing my way in the hip-high grass....
I badgered him for three months to do it, then got someone who Would.

I fought to get him his day in court and made it possible for him to prove a over zealous cop wrong by standing up and speaking out over something that would have never been corrected if I hadnt done it.

The last couple of years all we had was a relationship of convienance. It was celibate and all I got most of the time was a hug or a peck as he went out the door.
I was a built in cook, maid and co-habitator. I needed a place to live, and he needed someone to take on all of the work, the responsibilities of keeping a house up and running, and someone to pull his lazy ass out of the many jams he got himself into..
When I got my Disability and started my own business, he became frightened that I might want to break out and go my own way. I did, and here I am now. :wiggle2:

I hated being his "Convienance" but I guess some people are like that, and live to Use other people.
Ah well..life goes on, and no one will ever use me for their own convienance ever again. :}
Cat