Changing the paradigm....

[sprite]

or rather, changing the brain that sets up the paradigm that monogamy=commitment; how do you open your mind to accept your recently out-after-20+ years -partner participating with others?
I am not homophobic - far from it. I understand the hesitancy I have stems from fear of loss, which creates jealousy - what I want are tools to open my mind and allow this to happen without it stabbing me in the gut. The most useful comments will be from folks who were/are married more than 10 years and came out after marrying. From what I've read it is alot of talking - honest talking, which we are doing; but are there other facets of this I am missing that might help make the transition easier? I do so appreciate this site. Thanks everyone.

[Mrs.F]

I found out my husband was bi right at 10 yrs. of marriage. While I've never been homophobic, finding out your husband wants m/m sex was a shock to say the least.

I have been through every emotion and finally became ok with the idea that he find someone. On most days I am ok with him being with another man, and then there are days where my brain says NO. Then I go through, he can be with a guy alone, I don't want to be there. But he wants me to be there because that is his fantasy. Some people deal with all this better, some people are much more open minded and they are able to have a great time, time after time.

It's very hard and it's very hard for me because I put my heart into everything and bring along many feelings, emotions and attachment which is what get's me in trouble every time. My husband just finds it all sex, the total sex act and I can't do that. He and I are very different when it comes to that.

I don't know how to tell you to do what you want and need. Honest communication is the key but as for anything else, I'm still trying to find my way too. There are many days I just want to give up and say.....I can't do this. And maybe at some point I will.

What's good for both of you is the fact that you are both bi. That will help alot. He wishes I was bi, but again...it's all about what he wants!

Good luck to you both!

[wolfcamp]

My second wife often kidded and joked about my interests and mannerisms. I was often the butt of her jokes. When I asked her to stop she said I shouldn't be so sensitive. She said it was just her sense of humor, but it was so constant that I came to see it as a form of belittlement. I found I couldn't talk to her about even the least serious things on my mind. Talking to her about my bisexual tendencies was out of the question. Looking back now, I would have loved her so much if I could have shared that secret with her, but I just couldn't.

She found me out on her own. She claimed she was more hurt by lying than by my attraction to men. She said that not telling her was the same as lying. Our 11 year marriage broke up as a result. I was very hurt at first, but now I see that I am much better off. Much.

The moral of this story is what ever you want it to be.

[Edit] I came back to further answer your question. I would have felt closer to my wife, and much more loving, if I would have had her knowledge and support. You should take some consolation in that idea. Also, as Mrs. F alluded to, men often separate sexual stimulation from love and nurturing. A desire for an explosive orgasm and release doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to take his love and support elsewhere.

[Vikkster230]

Hey there... I'm new to all of this, the site, the whole bi thingy. Before I got married, hubby and I talked about having 3somes ad my being with other women. We never did and it was just talk. When I got married, I thought that that part wasn't a possibility because I made vows to him. Well about 3-4 years ago, I realized that I would need to talk to him about it. I am not looking for a man, because I have a great one. He is very secure in all aspects of our relationship and knows that my wanting to be with women isn't because I'm lacking with him. I don't know if this answers the question, but you have to start with honesty and have a strong foundation.... Good luck

[vittoria]

I am not certain if the OP (Original Poster) is a female... but I gather from how it reads that it is...

women have it hot wired in their brains that sex = love, therefore it would seem logical that the first reaction to a partner having ANY kind of sexual intercourse with someone else that is not themselves, it is certain to slay the emotions for sure.

men, for some fuckin reason, have the sex = release button on full fkkn throttle, ergo, it is much more easier for them to have sex with others ( whether male OR female) without any emotional commitment.

just my :2cents: from personal observations, reading books, watching two and a half men, et al.

lets not forget personal experience too, because even though this may seem like an oxymoron, being bi, when I was married a "million" years ago, and my husband who I was separated from for 4 months at the time told me that he was seeing a guy on the side as well as screwing me. I wanted to rip his dick off. May sound goofy, but it was the "knee jerk" reaction that I had at the time.( that was about 6 years ago)

[Rambigent]

Honestly Sprite, I don't know if you can change your reaction to the situation. Certainly you can prepare yourself for the change, and you do this by talking, talking, and then when you've talked the situation to death, talking some more. Figuring out together how you want the situation to occur, who it will be with, how much involvement there will be from each of you, ground rules for physical contact, how much information to share...all of this will be very personal and unique to you both, and require a lot of discussion. I'm not sure if this is a one-sided thing or if you'll be with others as well, but either way it can be a lot of work. Make your needs and fears and your own desires clear. Also be sure to set your boundaries - but also be ready to change them, often.

My situation is a bit different than yours; my wife and I were both aware of each other's bi-ness when we got together. Even before we started living together, and throughout our marriage, having a few extra lovers in our bed was always a topic of fantasy and some serious discussion. Still, after years of monogamous living and working through marriage and parenthood together, it became a lot easier to think of my wife as "mine". Despite my long-held feelings in favor of open relationships, polyamory, swinging, whatever you want to call it, by the time we actually got to the point that we actually opened our relationship, I was pretty comfortable in monogamy. I was unprepared for some of the feelings that I felt watching my wife kiss another person. And seeing her have sex with another person. And seeing her enjoying sex with another person. We had talked the situation over many times in our many years together, but the reality was still a bit of a shock. It wasn't horrible, and in fact a lot of it was very hot, but there were still some uncomfortable times. The key to dealing is to be able to talk about those feelings, not in an accusatory manner, but realistically. Work together to address the problems. Share your fears with your partner so you can talk it out before, during, and after. Talking together really does make the hard stuff easier.

On a positive note, you will survive. If your partner is committed to making your relationship work, and is willing to share this part of them self with you, and you are willing to let them explore this, you can do it. The first time they're with someone else may sting, but when they come back to you, you'll feel better. The next time it's a little easier. And eventually, you get comfortable with it, maybe even enjoy seeing the way your partner reacts to another person (if you're going to be watching), or hearing about the experience through their words (if you're hearing about it afterwards), or simply the way they act coming home to you (if you don't want to see or hear anything about it).

Decide together how you're going to make it work. Each of you needs to be able to say what you need. Each of you needs to be able to stand your ground if there is something you just cannot give. If the commitment is there from each of you, you'll find a way to work it out.

Good luck!

[sprite]

I really appreciate the comments - thank you all for taking the time to help with your insights. It helps me understand myself and the nature of all of this. We are together at a point of dramatic changes in our lives - the kids are almost out of the house, he's starting a new career, and actually not living at home because of the job/training thing, so we aren't together every day - only a few days a month (which we are working very hard on changing of course), I have started a new job with new and bigger responsibilities...oh, and by the way, he's realized/accepting his bi-side...Talking is what we do - alot of (thank goddess/god or Verizon for unlimited in network minutes and texting!! :) )
The majority of our married life was lived with nary a blip between us - We love each other's company, still have fun together and still deeply love each other. The sharing of him would be alot easier if we weren't 300 miles away from each other.
But, again, I thank each of you, and everyone on this site. It is sooooo helpful in figuring things out - what a great community that has been created. Keep those thoughts and insights coming..