depression

[vittoria]

so here i am a year later...

one year older... none the wiser. it has been a good year.. i got a chance to love someone dearly. gotten a chance to broaden my horizons a bit. then all things proceeded to go downhill.

the death of my brother has cut me to the core.. i never knew it would affect me this bad.. so much so that my personal relationship with the man i love is crumbling. i dont know exactly what to do. i'm sad, remorseful, i've been crying.

i'm over at my grandmothers house now, and i look around and instantly i get more depressed. i woke up this morning not knowing where i was... i used to wake up with my honey in my arms... all i see now is old wall paper from 1972. hell, she's slowly dying herself, and thats scary enough--i dont even want to think about what its like for her just happy to wake up in the morning.

and yes.. my father is dying too. a rare form of muscular dystrophy.

everyone that i love is leaving me either in death or heartbroken and alone. if i was depressed before, i damn sure am a bit worse off now.

was my birthday happy? honestly no. i spent most of my day depressed. i didnt even get a chance to spend it with my honey the way i wanted.

do i deserve this? maybe. do i have past issues i need to deal with? perhaps--issues of being alone, unloved, unwanted, told that i'm not worth anyone's time or care, people treating me like a lower life form --these are the things i've dealt with for years. and here i am. still. an adult, but with all this heartache and heartbreak.

i sometimes wonder if its even worth my time being alive. so like i said... i'm very fkkn depressed. my honey is the world to me--its sad that we always hurt the ones we love isnt it? i wish that sad fact was never true. and in the heat of anger we tend to say things that we really dont mean.. but sometimes i'm probably not sure of that anymore.

fear of rejection, fear of being alone. theres enough fears to play on. maybe i'm just a scared woman losing her mind.

[RickB]

Hello Vittoria
I can't claim to know you but it seems a shame you haven't had a reply until now. I have had plenty of depression over the years. I think in some ways acknowledging that you have this physical problem is the biggest step you can take. The next step is get some medical help, either in the form of medication or talk therapy, or both. Good luck!
Just my two cents.
Rick

[void()]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( vitt ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Bluebiyou]

vittoria,
My heart goes out to you.
While on the positive side you are young, beautiful, and intelligent, you are now, nevertheless depressed.
It's okay. Stay where you are (emotionally) until you feel like coming back up. You'd be a sicko to be who you are and not depressed.
Wear it.
Feel it.
It will pass.
But embrace it. Your feelings ARE you... just as when you're feeling on top of the world.
The thing to look out for, is if you start seriously considering self destructive behavior. Then you're a sicko if you don't seek immediate help. It's normal and healthy to have dynamic feelings. If those feelings go so far as to self destruction... that is unhealthy... time to seek help just like going to the emergency room.
Remember, feeling up and feeling down is part of what we are. Draw the line at harming self (or others). Talk with friends.
But I repeat... you are young, beautiful, and very intelligent. Things should feel better in a while.
With love,
Blue

[csrakate]

Vitt,
Keep talking....keep venting....but please..don't let your depression take over and lead you to complacency. Been there and done that.....isolation is NOT the answer....

You've had a rough year....been through some changes and some heartache...but you are a strong and vital woman who I know can face these things and come out even stronger!!

We are here for you but more importantly, there are people out there who can help you through this difficult time. Don't be stubborn and not ask for help...it is not a sign of being helpless to ask for help...it's a sign that you're a fighter and I know that you are!

Stay strong...things may look rather bleak right now but this too shall pass!! We love you, Vitt!!

Hugs,
Kate

[jamieknyc]

Vitt, don't lose heart. Remember that there are people here who love you.

[Germanicus]

Hello you

I will reply to this thread in an email

x

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

My Sweet Vitt...
I can tell you from personal experiance that you arent alone in this, and that depresion will make you think/feel/ do some funny things.
I too went thru what you are going thru right nowand I know that everything feels like nothing but ash right now. Everyone is leaving you, or is ill. and it feels like a ton of bricks all sitting on your mind and heart and it feels like that's no way out.
See? Been there, dont this. I Know.

When I had to watch my Mom slowly deterioration in front of me and I was helpless to stop it, I went into a bad depression, too. My heart felt like it could never be happy again and my life suffered for it, and in fact, just four months later, in December after her death, I got hurt at work. It changed my life forever, too.
I slipped on a wet, greasy floor because I wasnt paying attention to my damn job...I was thinking this would be the first Christmas that me and my kids and my little sis (who has Downs Syndrome)would be without Mom.
I slipped on the greasy floor, breaking my ankle, dislocating my tight knee, tearing the groin muscle, and then breaking the pelvis bone in three places when I went down on the wet concrete. As I waited in Great pain for the Ambiulance I bawled like an idiot. I told my buddy when he got there(who was an EMT with the fire dept.) "just fukn put me down! Like a dog. Just shoot my worthless ass!)
While in the hospital they discovered that I have a bone disease called Degenerative Joint Disorder, which means the joints in my knees, and ankles are rubbing together, slivering off pieces of bone day by day and that eventually I would need the knees and possibly the ankle bones replaced. But I was young yet and neednt worry about it just then. I was 38 years old.

I was so miserable that I wanted to just give up and die. I went into a black depression and just didnt want to do anything. Someone told the lady in the hospital bed next to me that had had her hips replaced, "Now come on, you have to Try today. You dont want your Mom being ashamed of you or embarressed because you wont try to walk, do you??"

It was like a slap to the face WHAM! Just as if he had spoken to Me, or had smacked me in the face. It was like someone had lifted a black sheet from off my head. I thought OMG..he's right. I'm laying here feeling sorry for my damn self, when what I'm doing is shameing my Mother's Spirit.
I cried quietly and felt Me coming back. I thought about what all had transpired and made up my mind. I Was going to get out of that bed, going to get in a wheelchair for a while, then do all of the things the Dr's told me I'd never do again, just to show them that I fucking well Could! (Your joints will never be the same again, you wont be able to hike or dance again, nor walk long distances or get down on your hands and knees to work in the garden, fish, ski, ect.)

Well I am here to say I proved them wrong. I still have the DJD and cope with it, And three herniated dosk in my back, everyday. Some days it slows me to a halt, other days I feel 21 again.
The point is my Love, DONT GIVE UP! You give up or give IN to depression you dont do yourself OR your family any good. How can you continue to help them and yourself in Their times of needing you, if You arent able to be there for them?
I know it hurts right now and that it feels like all the walls are tumbling down. I know this, been there, remember? But you have to fight for you, and for those that you love..primarily your Honey and your family.
Just know that you Arent alone in this, and that if you need me, or the other members of this family..we are as close as this group, your computer, or as near as a phone. I mean that.
You are liked, loved and respected, Honey-girrl. Remember that always.:grouphug:
Your Cat.:paw:

[12voltman59]

Vittoria----I am sorry that you are having a rough time in your life--but we have all been there---also I do hope that you do get some help with your depression---


Take care Vi!!

[Doggie_Wood]

Vitty baby - you know we all love you here - take stake in what kate said.
Yes, I've been there, got the T-Shirt and threw it away.
You have folk here you can talk to if need be.
Just remember - This too shall pass.
Give it more time - you might want to seek out a grief counselor.

Love ya sugar. Be strong.

:doggie:

[jem_is_bi]

I am 60 yrs old and all those that I loved and raised me are dead, except for my Dad. Yes, their death hurt and I still miss them. But, I have family that look to me to help anchor their young lives. So, like me, with time, you will be comfortable being at the top of life looking down. Don’t despair; this is the natural way of life. Also, we all have past issues. Some you may wish to address others you should let drift away. Sadness is a very, very normal reaction to your brother’s death, but depression is not. If you are truly depressed, there are treatment works. Also, do not strive to make your life perfect, it will leave you depressed. Rather, strive to be a good person and love the gift of another day of life and bring all your skills and passion to all that you do. Pain is part of life, but so is joy. With time you will have more of both such experiences and realize that both add to your character and long term happiness.

My life is far from perfect, I am far from perfect, but I am happy with my life and me. I truly hope you will find the same harmony of you with you.

[MissCurious35]

Good Morning. First I like to thank you for sharing with any who would listen a little piece of your world. I will say this...I do know how you feel. I have been where you find yourself today. I too lost someone who was near and dear to my heart. He wasnt taken away..he took himself away. It took me a little over a year to finally be able to smile when I thought about him. Not only did I lose my best friend..my grandmother past away 3 months later. Last year was a hard year but like you I perservered. I kept my head up and I truly looked for reasons to smile.It wasnt easy nor is it easy but no one said life would be. Anyways...what I would like for you to know..is you are not alone. There are so many who are here for you. Myself included. Sure I have only been a member for a little over a full day *smiles* But isnt that what this site is about bring people together to form friendships. With that said..if you should like to talk..I am available. Take care of yourself. SMile even when you have no reason too..Kisses n Squishes..~Melissa~

[GreenEyedLady(GEL)]

Wish I could give you the biggest hug imaginable sweetie. Miss talking with you, we need to catch up. :)

[Tiger Lily]

I've just sat and read through some of the replies to your post. My word Vittoria, you may feel very alone right now, but my oh my girl, people from all over are sending you their love.

I too have experienced depression, on more than one occasion from an early age. Each time, the fear of losing yourself can take over everything else,and that fear stays with you throughout your life.
I began to self harm when I was young, because I didn't understand what was gong on and I blamed myself and felt guilty alot of the time for my emotions. It was a way to release the pain, but it bore no long term reward. It wasn't until I started to get counselling that I can began to understand what was going on and piece together the mess that was my head.
Years on I'm still a novice with emotions, but I'm getting better at recognizing my patterns and work hard at not slipping back.

I think it is really important for you to get some support. Remember it's not a sign of weakness to ask for help, but a sign of strength. A strength you have already shown by sharing your emotions with others on here.

The idea of talking to someone about your true feelings (even if you don't know what they are) can be very daunting, but I know from experience it can help you to recover and also, with practice, keep the fear from beating down the door.

Some people will never understand how hard it can be to get out of bed some days. Others will take your hand and walk with you (no matter how slowly) because they truely understand.
I offer you my hand, if you ever want or need to talk aboout anything, please feel free to get in touch.

Sending you hugs (from the other side of the pond)
TL xx

[Mrs.F]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Vittoria))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))):angel::grouphug::angel::grouphug:

Take care and know we all here for you and anyone who needs a hug, a shoulder or a kleenex!

[dafydd]

hi vittori, maybe u should think about anti-ds (SSRIs). prozac (fluoxetine) or citalopram just 2 keep u on the right track. think of it like a temp plaster....er band aid.
d

[wolfcamp]

Dearest Vittoria,

First you feel sad, and then you get mad, and then it slowly, slowly fades away. I've been where you are. Hang in there. You'll get through it.

Wolf

[rissababynta]

We all love you here Vitt and you obviously know that you can come to any one of us to talk to. Talking to us won't fix any of your problems, but we can at least help you by being the once you can vent on. Not only do none of us mind it, but we welcome it. You will get through this and things will look up eventually.:)

However...

Considering that you have gone through something extremely emotional with the passing of your brother and are bound to go through this all again with other people you are close too, it is a good idea to prepare yourself. If you are already in a negative place and can feel that you are not picking back up (whether the failing health of others contributes to your feelings right now or not) it could be a good idea to seek someone to talk to in person. You can be taught better ways of coping with a loss and losses to come. We are all here to support you, but we may not be able to provide you with the little extra "oomph" that you may need. I'm just saying, be mindful of when and/or if the time comes to get help.

[onewhocares]

Vittoria,

Like the others before me who have posted...it shows that you are not alone indeed. We are a loving and caring community here who have walked in your shoes. We offer comfort, understanding and compassion, but most of all friendship and an ear to listen. We have, in some form or another known what you have been going through. I know it seem unimaginable, but it will pass and you will move forward...forward towards a new and better you. For what does not break us makes us stronger my friend. Mountain Cat and Kate are right on target with their comments.

HUGS HUGS HUGS

Belle

[Bluebiyou]

Vittoria,
Mrs. Blue read your post (and a few other responses). She recommends reading a book she read long ago, "The Road Less Traveled".
Otherwise, her female empathy kicked in and she expressed a lot of concern...
It is a week later (than when you expressed this depression) now. Howya doin?
Blue
&
Mrs. Blue

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does it seem so many women 'get' the empathy seemingly by nature while is seems most guys can go their whole life without 'getting it'? The best answers to that question (among many) we found in "Men are from Mars..." books!

[onewhocares]

What a MEAN response booty call.

[darkeyes]

What a MEAN response booty call.

As 1 who suffers recurrent bouts a depression Belle... it wos mean ok... but then arseholes r invariably mean an them that don suffer depression kno sod all bout it ne way... an if they do they shud kno a lot betta...

[biinlou]

All my best to you and your family.

[lonelygirlintx]

sweetie, i know exactly how you are feeling. a relative is in the hospital right now, we are just waiting for her to pass. my grandma who raised me as a daughter, next month, has to have open heart surgery, her heart is so bad, they couldn't even wait the usual 6 months. i'm ashamed to say that i doubt she'll make it out of this surgery because of her lasting health conditions. anyways, i want u to know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers and if u ever need to talk, just pm me whenever.

[onewhocares]

Frances,

I do agree. While I have not suffered from depression per se, I do feel that unless you could have experiances similar to this ( for me it is stress and anxiety) this first hand or know someone who has, we have in general NO right to comment on the distress that those who do suffer, many times in silence.

Belle

[void()]

Everyone please understand I'm not detracting from Vitt's original post or troubles. Nor am I trying to hijack the thread. Merely I have some things to say about a nasty beast. Just seems an appropriate place for it to be said.

We all face off against sadness. Anyone says they don't is probably lying, probably in a world of pain to boot. Depression wears many faces. It can be frustration, anxiety, sadness, listlessness. Folks tell you it'll be okay.

They say; 'face it and go on', 'tomorrow is a better day', 'it gets better', 'time will heal you'.

Does it ever truly get better? Loss continues each day. That's just the nature of the beast. Hate to put it so matter of fact, but when you see the truth how can you not call a spade a spade?

Time heals? Really? They say booze can too. The trouble being intoxication only masks it all for a bit. Then you turn around and the beast gnaws on you the more.

Face it. You don't say? We do face it and do a damn sight fairer job of it than anyone else. We being anyone who can keep going despite being hit in the head with a shovel, repeatedly.

The point of this gloom? Well this morning I had to bury a kitten. I worked until 2 AM. Will probably that again tonight. 2PM - 2AM. All that time facing dead chickens. The chickens get fed to dead people. In the end it seems that's all everyone faces.

Spoke with my mother about the pointlessness of it all. Told her as an atheist I felt no desire to bow to some intangible and indescribable being 'up there' to grant me a point. Her reply was pretty much routine psychologist babble distilled with ... well ... nothing really. "You've always taken things hard."

No shit. I took it hard when my step dad beat the piss out of me, raped her time and again. I took it hard when that step dad up and died in his sleep. The bastard got off easy, never once apologized. He won in a sense.

I took it hard when my grandparents had to go into a home. Grandma's 'old timer's' making it unbearable for my granddad. She was also falling a good bit. She broke her hip last Thanksgiving. It's been downhill from there. Now they've sold their home, the only place I knew as sanctuary, in order to pay for the 'home'. No choice for them. I don't choose to think my grandparents will ever die.

But they will.

See, there's always a kick in the teeth. The shovel starts to numb you after about the thousandth swing. You start liking it after fifteen hundred or so.

No, you really don't. I wish it worked the same as physical pain. See I got real used to feeling sledge hammer fists and jack boots against my ribs. Scared my uncle when I was little. He accidentally clipped me a log. I never felt it. He looked at me, age seven at the time, I was alright.

"Sorry, didn't mean to smack you with the log." I looked at him and wondered what he was talking about. Then warmth came into my hand. Blood across my knuckles. "You need gloves on."

What scared him, and to place his fear he came from 'Nam and had spent three months as a P.O.W, was the emptiness in my eyes. He later told mom my eyes reminded him of some of the special forces guys, one in particular. The fellow had let himself get caught in order to bust the others loose. My uncle said his eyes were empty, dead even as he went through the camp and slaughtered the enemy wholesale. Mom told my uncle it would be no wonder.

That year I learned twenty different ways to kill, in silence. And to cover the tracks, no remorse, just doing the job. And that was taught by two war vets. Granddad had gone through WWII. They were infantry with the Army. Both cited marksmen. Both really quite types.

My granddad used to sneak up my uncle and I even after we'd seen him in plain sight. Now, I tend to remain in a constant state of sneaky. Am always startling folks without trying.

They taught me as they did so I could survive. It was them offering a means to protect mom and I should things have gotten bad. They were bad, but how can a child decide to kill? You really want to be there after he lets a 250 lb gorilla drop like a sack of potatoes?

I had two brothers as well. We kept mom with him. I also kept her from suicide to many times to count. And yes I actually have grappled a straight razor from a crazed woman. It's not fun. I've also walked headlong into a loaded gun and let it rest against my forehead, hoping they irate son of a bitch would pull the trigger.

"It gets better."

Children suffer this and worse each day. How does it get better?

"Time will heal it."

No, time only emphasizes how much more of the shit there is to face. "Here comes the shovel again." "clunk"

And out of all of it, there are folks who will say get medicine, get God. I say grow the fuck up buddy. If medicine truly worked then we'd only ever need one pill. It'd be the ultimate cure all. No, we got pills out the ass. Guess it doesn't work so good, huh?

God? There's one God you say? He might work then. No, actually a simple question tells you he doesn't. Why does he let the bad happen?

"It's a test."

A test of how much more he can screw up? Face it he gives you free will so you can ... survive.

I'm tired of it merely coming back to surviving. What the fuck is the point? You live, survive, and ultimately die. That's just how it goes. And no, I'm not suicidal. I'm just pissed off at living in general, frustrated, depressed.

And apologies to any folks who do follow God. I've not said what I've said here out of maliciousness. If you've read it then I'm sure if you have at least half a wit, you'll understand that. God just isn't my path. Everyone finds a Way.

*sighs* Yeah we all find a Way.

Vitt, I'm not going to tell you anything aside from you're not alone. But that's no help, I know. All I can say is be safe, know we do care and send our love. We all dance with the beast. Some are just better at it than others.

[darkeyes]

Voidie..jus as well me not depressed jus now or afta readin that lot.. wud go out an do mesel in...

We all products a the life we've led, of our childhood, an so much more.. but 2 read that ther so much doom an gloom in ne 1's life an that ther no lettin up is jus.. well..depressin.. Every so often me gets depressed.. not the blues.. most of us get them.. but wen we feel jus as uve ritten inya post.. an me don believe it eitha wen peeps say ther no lettin up.. no relief.. cos thats not wotya mind tellsya..but deep inside me knos that jus aint so..even if it don eva surface.. cos afta a wile..sumtimes months, for sum peeps years.. it can b that bad that wen things do finally begin 2 clear me c's that life reely is worth the livin..

Yas rite tho..we all dance wiv the beast.. trik is Voidie hun not 2 let the sod eatya alive... we hav all had crap in our lives.. sum moren othas.. but life is frantastic an wenya finally drags yasel outa the state a mizziness.. such is the sensa relief an glorious joy at gettin through it mos of us reely dus enjoy wot life an for all the crap in it.. the world hasta offer..

Dus hope that in time ya will c that.. for this planet an life itsel r truly beautiful things...

[still_shy]

I've read all the responses here and only feel I have one thing to add... Depression is a serious beast, Vitt. My sister shot herself in the head at 15 because no one could get her the help she needed to crawl out of the black hole. I have suffered from depression and anxiety most of my life, as have most of my family members. the answer for me is a pill (sorry Void), but it helps control the ups and downs I feel when life spirals out of control. No, I'm not numb to life, as a lot of people seem to think medication does this to you. I would like to think I'm a perfectly normal girl who has a medical condition that requires correction. Most of the time you wouldn't even know I have problems with this. I've learned to deal and control it as much as possible, and it is possible. If you don't feel that medication is an option, there are many many options out there that will help you. One of them, you are utilizing--a close network of friends who help at the drop of a hat. Keep your chin up hun! We're there for ya!
Hillary

[JoeErl]

Hi Vitt: You are well on the way to recovery by expressing your feelings. You are seeking help through a public forum, which takes great courage. Some years ago my wife was suffering from depression and was thinking about self-destruction. Thankfully she accepted help from the medical community and is now able to celebrate our two daughters getting married and enjoy our three grand-children. Right now things may seem dark and forgoding. You will never forget your brother and what he meant to you. I do know that he would want you to live your life to the fullest. Take care of yourself and good luck. Never forget that there are others who love you and think about you.

I hope that this helps you a little.

[elian]

I have had my share of being depressed, of seeing depression and what it can do to someone you love, to a family. All I can tell you is that honestly, at the time I was going through it, the suffering seemed immense, now, finally - with time, with support from others in the community - I was able to pull myself through.

The players may act afool but the universe itself does not waste a single drop of energy. What I once viewed as suffering at the time I now understand as the gift of an open mind. What I once thought was painful - I now know gives me experience to help others through that pain. What I once thought of as an unjust situation - now gives me the courage to speak from the heart, tell the truth and be able to reassure people that it can in fact get better.

Some people have faith in a divine force, some people have faith in logic and reason, some people have faith in humanity and the natural order of things - I seem to cross paths with all of these lines interchangeably. My personal experiences in this life have caused me to realize that in fact - all three lines of belief not only coexist together, but reinforce the existence of each other.

Some scars run very deep, and I would be a fool to think that I still don't have them, but ultimately the experiences of my life have made me a stronger person.

When someone beloved passes here I never think of them as gone - they have just gone home...gone home from this equally wretched and simultaneously beautiful world. A world that is constantly changing, learning, expressing itself in all of its many harmonious and chaotic forms.

I do have a firm belief that before we come here we do get to choose at least some of the adversity we will face in this life. These things are chosen, not by you here who has to pay the rent - but from the point of view of a being who has no limitations of body or time - who can see clearly through to the core of what matters most and knows what will REALLY push our soul to grow.

That's not to say that everything that happens to us in life is right or just - people still possess free will after all. Human beings are capable of both great compassion as well as tremendous maliciousness. It is my passion to advocate for the compassion - there are enough people already vying for chaos..

I have always felt that if a person did the best they could, really tried, and really reached out to others when they needed help and support - there is nothing to be ashamed of.

Anyone can beat someone senseless with a big stick and pretend they are powerful - but at night those people go to bed - hollow, broken people who have no peace - they will never really know the love of the divine in their heart - they only know fear - or pain - or lustful greed. TRULY powerful people know discipline and show compassion and mercy when it is deserved.

One last thing - I don't remember much of a sermon given at my local UU church - but I do remember that it was about forgiveness and what it meant to forgive. The idea is of course that forgiveness is mainly for yourself, after all - the person who offended you may not even know they committed a transgression. I don't really remember much of what was said anymore - but I do remember one line - he said, "Pain comes out as anger."

When you see someone angry and frustrated it does good to remember that anger is just as much a part of the healing process..if the person chooses to heal.

Grow in light, love and compassion - not fear and loathing - for you really ARE loved - maybe more than you know. You may feel lonely, but you are never really alone.

-E

[darkeyes]

Vitt-Check yourself into a mental hospital and get on medications or talk to someone since you need help.

I know you're not going to listen to us or take our posts seriously when we say this but you really do need help and only you can take the initiative to get help from a mental hospital, therapy, or from meds.

Jus cos sum 1 sufferin depression don mean they totally round the twist an insane... check inta mental hospital?? jeez... medication is 1 thing but that... ??? Think yas doin a lil ovakill ere.... clinical depression is less than pleasant an can an dus sumtimes hav serious consequences, but for most of us who r susceptible, spesh if we been through the ill a few times we kno wot hasta b dun an manage in the end 2 get bak 2 bein our usual luffable selves.. an it don usually involve mental hospitals...

[parkerbi]

Vitt, I believe that you will overcome everything and find your happiness one day, not far. Just believe in yourself and keep touching with your friends. The good things always come after bad things.

[Bluebiyou]

Tsk. Tsk. Fran...
don't feed the trolls...
:(

[darkeyes]

Tsk. Tsk. Fran...
don't feed the trolls...
:(

Wy not? luff feedin trollies..spesh 2 the Pirhanas up the zoo:bigrin: An alligators an crocodiles get hungry 2... an thers always the wolfies an lions an tigers.. they dead fonda trollie meat..:tong:

[born naked]

I understand your feelings. How long did you take to realize how depressed you are? I feel you are in touch with your feelings on the matter so what would you tel someone else to do in such a situation? I ask this because I took the better part of six months to understand where I am or have been. I have lost all my relatives in the last 4 years including my mother. My brother committed suicide and father died a year later. Now mom has died and my two dogs/children died last year. So yea I sort of understand. I dont think there is any way to prepare yourself for death of a loved one.
I would go to group therapy and find like minded people/expereinced. At least try to talk to out and you will have to just start anew. I dont claim to have dealt with my own, just trying to get by day by day.

[soulseeker]

Hey There,

This may or may not be helpful to you, but as a person who suffered depression most of his life, I have recently found a way to beat the black dogs off....I had tried everything...the latest anti-depressants, dynamic therapy, ignoring the depression (impossible because I felt it as a physical feeling in my gut) and finally I took myself off the the prescibed and self-prescribed drugs because nothing helped, and in fact srri's made it worse.

What I found was a healthy dose of humility....not beating yourself up kind...just getting down to a realization that in the scheme of things you are are kinda small, and that you can't control the destinies or lives of others...but you can help yourself....acceptance and a belief in the higher powers of the universe, whatever you call it for yourself, humility allows that power to come through and heal you....you have to give up your own thoughts and find some peace of mind in knowing that everything has a meaning...one which you may not quite understand.

Be good to yourself and go in peace.

PS. this is not a bowing and scraping kind of humility, but you will know that if your ego doesn't allow you to feel that, that you haven't quite got it yet.

[**Peg**]

.....acceptance and a belief in the higher powers of the universe, whatever you call it for yourself, humility allows that power to come through and heal you....you have to give up your own thoughts and find some peace of mind in knowing that everything has a meaning...one which you may not quite understand......

you will know that if your ego doesn't allow you to feel that, that you haven't quite got it yet.


well said soulseeker. After a lifetime (literally) of supporting and taking care of depressed people, my present serenity is my reward for letting go of it all and surrendering to a higher power.

the pathway to inner peace is in these lines, which every morning I read very slowly out loud:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

[darkeyes]

well said soulseeker. After a lifetime (literally) of supporting and taking care of depressed people, my present serenity is my reward for letting go of it all and surrendering to a higher power.

the pathway to inner peace is in these lines, which every morning I read very slowly out loud:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

--Reinhold Niebuhr
Luffya 2 bits Granmumsie but don do serenity much, God eva an humility ..well sumtimes but not so it shows... but ya knos that... but do hav a kinda inner peace in luff, the luff a 2 very special lil girls an 1 bigga 1.. but sadly think ther 2 many otha things goin on an rong wiv the world 2 gimme the kinda serenity an peace u seem 2 hav... kissie

[31cho]

so here i am a year later...

one year older... none the wiser. it has been a good year.. i got a chance to love someone dearly. gotten a chance to broaden my horizons a bit. then all things proceeded to go downhill.

the death of my brother has cut me to the core.. i never knew it would affect me this bad.. so much so that my personal relationship with the man i love is crumbling. i dont know exactly what to do. i'm sad, remorseful, i've been crying.

i'm over at my grandmothers house now, and i look around and instantly i get more depressed. i woke up this morning not knowing where i was... i used to wake up with my honey in my arms... all i see now is old wall paper from 1972. hell, she's slowly dying herself, and thats scary enough--i dont even want to think about what its like for her just happy to wake up in the morning.

and yes.. my father is dying too. a rare form of muscular dystrophy.

everyone that i love is leaving me either in death or heartbroken and alone. if i was depressed before, i damn sure am a bit worse off now.

was my birthday happy? honestly no. i spent most of my day depressed. i didnt even get a chance to spend it with my honey the way i wanted.

do i deserve this? maybe. do i have past issues i need to deal with? perhaps--issues of being alone, unloved, unwanted, told that i'm not worth anyone's time or care, people treating me like a lower life form --these are the things i've dealt with for years. and here i am. still. an adult, but with all this heartache and heartbreak.

i sometimes wonder if its even worth my time being alive. so like i said... i'm very fkkn depressed. my honey is the world to me--its sad that we always hurt the ones we love isnt it? i wish that sad fact was never true. and in the heat of anger we tend to say things that we really dont mean.. but sometimes i'm probably not sure of that anymore.

fear of rejection, fear of being alone. theres enough fears to play on. maybe i'm just a scared woman losing her mind.
You are not losing your mind.You are just having a tuff time and i will be there for you.I meet you on this site and i knew you were the one!WE ARE A MATCH PUMKIN AND I LOVE YOU VEARY MUCH!!!. AND I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT.You are my sweetheart dont forget that.lOVE YOU ALWAYS NO MATTER WHAT

[csrakate]

Luffya 2 bits Granmumsie but don do serenity much, God eva an humility ..well sumtimes but not so it shows... but ya knos that... but do hav a kinda inner peace in luff, the luff a 2 very special lil girls an 1 bigga 1.. but sadly think ther 2 many otha things goin on an rong wiv the world 2 gimme the kinda serenity an peace u seem 2 hav... kissie

Read the words of the prayer again, my dear luffly tart....Peg isn't saying that there aren't things out there that need changing, not at all. The power of serenity is recognizing what you can and cannot control and allowing yourself to let it go. You know I admire your tenacity and your dedication to seek change in this world, but there comes a time when you have to realize where you can and you cannot affect change...to allow yourself the freedom not to burden yourself over things that are beyond your control. I know better than to try and convince you otherwise, but I truly wish, for your sake, that you would occasionally let yourself off the hook. Seeking a better world for others never means having to sacrifice your personal serenity, sweetie. Sometimes you just have to recognize your limits and let it go...simple as that! It's all in the "wisdom to know the difference."

Hugs,
Kate

[binectar]

Vittoria...
I won't try to add to the philosophies here. I see several good points...and a couple of miserable ones.

I just want to telly you that, when we joined this site, you were one of only two who was a genuine friend in the way you talked with us and made us feel comfortable here. Everyone else was interested in one, and only one, thing. Granted: it is that particular forum. But you're special! Embrace that, and do try to let go of the things over which you have no control.

Oh...and if you're ever in this neck of the woods let us know! You can count on a good meal and an even better glass of wine!

[FerociousFeline]

Hey Vit,

It is pretty much an anniversary for me at this point as well.

It is officially a year since the most unpleasant experience in lost love that I have ever had. On top of that, it was the complete and utter betrayal of a woman that I gave everything to.

She broke up with me and married someone else a few months later. This is approximately her year anniversary with the guy, and this marks about eighteen months since I have had any intimate relations with anyone.

I am astounded to say that, yes, it STILL hurts. Not so much because she left me, but because of the incredibly insensitive WAY she left me- never to revisit the scene of her cruelty. This after I sacrificed much to give her everything she ever wanted.

I would say that I would likely have trust issues with people now, except that it really hasn't been much of a problem. I don't GET intimate with people at all anymore and have pretty much completely given up hope that there is anyone out there for me. I will be 44 this year, which, by my tally, is about 24 years worth of trying like hell to find a mate, keep her pleased, and attempt to find true love.

Honestly, I don't think I believe in it anymore. I think people can get together and do their little co-dependant thing, but if it does exist, it has certainly never existed in MY world.

So depression? Maybe. But I think it's just resignation to the knowledge that EVERYONE has their own agenda, and my experience with over 45 women has proven to be a horrific tale of what women can be capable of.

I offered them all my love and loyalty, I didn't get much more than pain (some of it excruciating) in return.

Nowdays I pretty much work alone, live alone, eat alone, sleep alone, and try not to count the days that I have survived without hope, without love, and without the apparent possibility OF love for me on the horizon.

If there is a God, you certainly couldn't prove it by me. I have wept enough to fill the lake up, but it has neither brought me relief nor made any difference to any divinity who might be watching.

But life isn't all about pairing up with people. I am learning that. I am learning that I should not allow myself to become bitter just because I have given so much in my life and have received so little in return. The only real wisdom I have to offer is that nobody knows what the hell we are here for, so as a result of that, nobody can make a determination as to whether we are "doing it right".....or NOT.

It's getting pretty late in my life to think that I will be allowed to have a family, or any kind of existence other than one of hard work and minimal return, but that only matters if I had some kind of expectation to the contrary. Life is hard. Some of us have harder lives than others. The best thing any of us can do is just to learn how to adapt to the circumstances that we were given, and do our best to love ourselves and others as best as we can. Other than that, life is pretty meaningless.

So, I am feeling resigned and used up. Exhausted and hopeless. I really just don't care about what happens anymore. Maybe that is a good thing. Maybe that is where I needed to get to before I could do whatever the hell it is that I am supposed to be doing. (if....there even IS some sort of thing I am destined to be doing)

All I know is, I will do my best to love others till my last breath. Maybe that will mean something, but if it doesn't, well then at least I will have shared all that I have to share.

Hope this helps,

FF

[**Peg**]

Read the words of the prayer again, my dear luffly tart....Peg isn't saying that there aren't things out there that need changing, not at all. The power of serenity is recognizing what you can and cannot control and allowing yourself to let it go. ..............

Seeking a better world for others never means having to sacrifice your personal serenity, sweetie. Sometimes you just have to recognize your limits and let it go...simple as that! It's all in the "wisdom to know the difference."

Hugs,
Kate


exactly kate.

[Jaxsunfl]

I suffered from depression for years, then two months ago I switched doctors and found out that the meds were adding to the situation and not helping. Little counseling, getting out and exercise a tad and reading the books of Micheal Newton "Journey of Souls, etc" ... I am at peace with all that life has thrown at me. I'm not saying I can't be saddened but I do have a great outlook on life in general.

Good friends online have helped tremendously aswell.

I hope I offered something that will help you or someone reading this...

-J
Compassion is our destiny...

[darkeyes]

Read the words of the prayer again, my dear luffly tart....Peg isn't saying that there aren't things out there that need changing, not at all. The power of serenity is recognizing what you can and cannot control and allowing yourself to let it go. You know I admire your tenacity and your dedication to seek change in this world, but there comes a time when you have to realize where you can and you cannot affect change...to allow yourself the freedom not to burden yourself over things that are beyond your control. I know better than to try and convince you otherwise, but I truly wish, for your sake, that you would occasionally let yourself off the hook. Seeking a better world for others never means having to sacrifice your personal serenity, sweetie. Sometimes you just have to recognize your limits and let it go...simple as that! It's all in the "wisdom to know the difference."

Hugs,
KateMumsy.. me knos wotya sayin makes sense an is rite.. did read Granmumsie's post same as u an read it as sayin same as u..but am jus not the kinda person 2 let go.. wot me wos sayin is at a personal level me has a kinda personal peace but am in 2 much turmoil inside an 2 outraged bout jus wot goes on in the world so me rants an rails an dus wot me can 2 try an b 1 lil teensy weensy cog 2 affect change... not 2 sure me recognises me limits..must hav sum.. but wot those r an wer they r jus don hav a clue... prob wen me finally blows up an screams at peeps.. thing bout recognisin limits is 1ce ya recognise em there ya stop an don think ya can go ne further.. not sure that's me.. mayb in time...but not now..am yung enuff still 2 hav me ideals an pash for things me believes in . Hope me always like that.. but sumtimes me despair hits home hard an sumtimes its the cause of a bad depression.. wen they started firin missiles inta Afghanistan fired 1 of an it lasted almost a year.. an that luffly mumsy me wishes me cud do wivout..

We r who we r mumsy.. lots can wander through life an take it all on the chin wivout reely stressin out bout it an screechin from the rooftops... me not 1 a those... don think me eva will b.. least not unless me despair an frustraion reely gets the betta of me an jus think "thats it.. the world will neva change..humanity r bastards an will always b.." C mumsy???..me don think that... an jus hope me neva dus... so serenity reely summat wich will neva sit easily on me shoulders.. an wy that bastard D is always a threat hovrin bout waitin 2 bite me arse...

[CuddlyKate]

Kate, I am in complete agreement with you about Frances. I have to live with the angst, and sometimes its not easy. She will never accept it, but one of the reasons she is as crazy as she is, is because if she didn't act so hyper and insanely she would implode because of her exasperation and helplessness at what she sees as the stupidity and selfishness around her. We who love her try to soothe her worst excesses of despair, and help her make sense of an often senseless world.

Her closest friend, who is in many ways similar to her, with a passion for causes celebre and high principles, has at least come to terms with those limitations of which you speak, and the fact that she has a life she wants to live without the mental anguish which Frances puts herself through every time there is another horror caused by mankind's greed or lack of compassion and respect for others. The recent invasion of Georgia being a prime example. She will continue to do what she can but not at any price. Frances finds it difficult to understand this, as for so many years they have done so much together and fought so many battles with the same passion and determination. To some degree I think this has made Frances even more obstinate and determined not to let the side down.

We talk a great deal, and we disagree a great deal about the world, but that talking does help her come off her high horse a bit because it is an avenue of release which I am always glad to provide for her. I like an argument as much as the next person. I am afraid humility may be a lost cause as far as she is concerned, but the fact that sometimes she does come off that high horse, with much of the anguish lifting from her gives me hope that at least some day serenity may become a small part of her life, and who knows, it may result in me being wrong about the humility.;):)

[darkeyes]

Am sorry V.. sumhow me seems 2 hav been tryin turn this thread inta bein bout me 2 large extent.. didn mean.. main thing is u get through the trubbles ya hav an bak 2 bein the luffly fun person ya r.. deep down its still ther an hav seen signs that ya'll b ok.. an ya will...

Soz gain.. luffya..

[vittoria]

Am sorry V.. sumhow me seems 2 hav been tryin turn this thread inta bein bout me 2 large extent.. didn mean.. main thing is u get through the trubbles ya hav an bak 2 bein the luffly fun person ya r.. deep down its still ther an hav seen signs that ya'll b ok.. an ya will...

Soz gain.. luffya..


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