Do partners feel they were lacking......

[onewhocares]

You are most likely tired of my threads as of late but it seems the last two thread have evoked much comments...in conversations in the chat and in personal chats as well. One question which has come up now on several occassions.....

For the straight partner or spouse...when you first found out that your mate was bisexual, did you ever feel like it was something that was lacking in YOU that would have made your partner turn to the same sex? That you could not give him or her what they may have needed sexually. If so, how did you cope with that?

Curious and wondering minds would like to know.....I guess I seem to be the medium that these questions are being asked as of late.


Belle

[Gina7777]

Yes, Belle. Very hurt and feeling I was a failure in the bedroom. Still feeling hurt to be honest.

[NumberSix]

My ex girlfriend now lives with a woman. She left before i discovered i was bisexual.

I didn't feel lacking. We had always had great communication. If she lied to me and wasn't entirely satisfied, that's her problem. Plus, I'm good, so no reason to feel lacking :P (I say that as a joke, but it's true in a way ... because I listen to my partners needs)

[csrakate]

Belle,
I never felt as if it had anything to do with me that he felt attracted to the same sex, but of course, I did worry that I wouldn't be enough for him since I felt unable to "compete" with what a man could offer him. What I didn't realize was that for him, it was a non issue. Although he finds himself attracted to men and of course fantasizes about sex with men, committing himself to me was all that mattered to him...all he was looking for from me was the understanding of who and what he was and to accept him as that total package. I spent many years worrying about what might be lacking in myself when all he wanted was for me to let him know that I was ok with his feelings. I wasted so much time with these worries that I often left him feeling ashamed and guilty for having been so open with me.

Now that we've reached this point in our lives where I am finally open to his feelings, I find that we can talk openly about them and use them in our fantasies and role play. I may not be a man, but I can sure do what I can to fulfill certain desires and doing so willingly has made all the difference in the world. I truly think that our sex life is better than ever and I am just sorry that I wasted so much time trying to find the fault in myself. Open and honest communication has opened the door to my mind and my inhibitions...I can't stress how important talking openly can be!

Hugs,
Kate

[angelrose1955]

My situation was a little different...I knew shameless was Bi the first time we met...and it didn't matter at all to me. Right now we are exclusive, but if he chooses to find another bi man to bring into our relationship, I am ok with that..we have discussed it and both feel that if the new partner is open to our relationship, then all three of us would have the best of both worlds. If he does not decided to do this...then it is ok also. As long as I can make him happy...and he makes me happy *which he does...very much so in all ways* then we have nothing to be stressed about.
Actually...I think it was easier on me since I knew going into this relationship that he was Bi.....and I love him more each day no matter what..
Angelrose

[void()]

As csr points out, open communication is vital. Apologies if it appears I'm 'speaking for' the other half. We often speak for one another. Lots of times the one doing the speaking gets reasonably close. We can do that because first conversation goes on privately. Gee, we're married folks after all. :)

At first she felt insecure. Now, she understands it's something beyond our control. I'm just wired to enjoy both genders, she's not. And she doesn't really do anything more than being a heterosexual woman, making love to me. There's no added frills. But I'm not one for toys either.

I think her knowing that there's no desire to leave her for a man helps. Yes, I'd love having a man in my life. No he'd not be second fiddle, nor would he pry me from my wife. He might try being my husband, of course society being what it is . I know, Wonderland is right around the corner.

Screw it, I'm pulling a McDonald's, "It could happen!" :)

[nathantiffany]

Don't feel lacking some people just need both.....

[**Peg**]

....For the straight partner or spouse...when you first found out that your mate was bisexual, did you ever feel like it was something that was lacking in YOU that would have made your partner turn to the same sex?

hellNO I didn't think I lacked anything *cough* - he was bi (curious) before he even met me (I think), although I do encourage him a lot :) His being bi doesn't matter at all - in fact he deserves the pleasure of both genders IMO. He's one of the finest men I've ever met in my life. Open of mind and heart. My kinda guy.

Seriously though I was raised to be self-confident. My blessed grandparents concentrated on giving me a VERY strong sense of myself: I learned by their example. They showered me with love and security.

I was the "brain" in grade school (teacher's pet), known as a "bitch" in high school (cause I wouldn't run with the bad crowd) and have worked hard and applied myself BY myself most of my life.

I kept my eyes on the prize long before it was a catchphrase.

I believe in open discussion, as much and as often as necessary. I also believe that questioning yourself when finding out a partner is bi is counterproductive to emotional serenity (for both of you).

:2cents: JMO

Peg

[Mrs.F]

When I first found out.....I'm not really sure what I felt. I had sooooo many emotions, feelings flying around in my head. At first I was pissed that we has been married for 10 yrs. and instead of telling me he "accidently" left this site up on his computer and I just happened to sit down and have a shocking read. Then came the feelings of "omg..I'm not enough to make him happy, he wants a man and he's going to leave me for a man". Had those feelings for a few days. It's now been 3 yrs. since that memorable time. Do I still feel lacking....NO. My husband has alot of fantasies about men but it doesn't change what he and I have. He prefers women and always will. What we are dealing with now is the fact that I, myself have changed in the 3 yrs. and with this site I have maybe found that he is not enough for me. I'm sure that this too in time will pass. We all go through changes in our lives and this just happens to be a big one for Flounder and I. We will get through it and we will move on in our life together. But I will tell you.....it sure is one confusing road that lasts forever and ever and ever!!!
I wish anyone who is going down this same road or will at some point in the future the best of luck.

[onewhocares]

Belle,
I never felt as if it had anything to do with me that he felt attracted to the same sex, but of course, I did worry that I wouldn't be enough for him since I felt unable to "compete" with what a man could offer him. What I didn't realize was that for him, it was a non issue. Although he finds himself attracted to men and of course fantasizes about sex with men, committing himself to me was all that mattered to him...all he was looking for from me was the understanding of who and what he was and to accept him as that total package. I spent many years worrying about what might be lacking in myself when all he wanted was for me to let him know that I was ok with his feelings. I wasted so much time with these worries that I often left him feeling ashamed and guilty for having been so open with me.

Now that we've reached this point in our lives where I am finally open to his feelings, I find that we can talk openly about them and use them in our fantasies and role play. I may not be a man, but I can sure do what I can to fulfill certain desires and doing so willingly has made all the difference in the world. I truly think that our sex life is better than ever and I am just sorry that I wasted so much time trying to find the fault in myself. Open and honest communication has opened the door to my mind and my inhibitions...I can't stress how important talking openly can be!

Hugs,
Kate

Kate,

You never cease to amaze me with your right on target responses to threads. You always manage to find the words and explanations that I seem to lack when writting my thoughts. Thank you dear woman for you have yet again managed to convey the thoughts and feeling that I had on this particular issue.

Like you, I spent years thinking that I was lacking, and to that end I did everything that I possible could to make myself a better lover for my husband..I can not tell you the number of books I have, toys I have, classes I have taken, lingere that I posess and so on. In the end it did not make a difference. This lack of interest lead me to believe that I was the one who was not the most attentive lover. I gave up and life, well it sort of has a way of propelling us ahead...children, family, work. Fast forward to hubby's desire have a man part of his life and perhaps ours. When the right opportunity to become involved with a man, other than my husband arrived...a relevation of sort occurred, one which I was in all honestly not even considering...that I was indeed a most attentive, caring and pleasing lover. I was shocked. When I started to work through all those years of feeling inadequate as a lover I started to find the real answer....the woman inside of ME. That being said..it was almost as if a light bulb went on one day when we were making love...I too had been comparing myself to a man an what I could give to my husband as a man could...guess what????? I could NOT! But then neither could a man give him what I could. Where those heady and eye opening thoughts.

Since then, I have had the pleasure to have had the acquaintence of some fine gentlemen who have come to make me realize that I am lacking nothing but posess honesty, integrity, caring and genuine enjoyment in the man I am with. One in particular taught me the most amazing gift...to accept and believe in the word THANK YOU. So Peter...THANK YOU for opening the door to the wonderful world of Belle. Amazing how two simple words can lift a lifetime of self doubt. But it took a kayaking man to show me how to look within myself to find the answers and point me down the road to enlightenment...and if I am lucky....BLISS.

Belle

[FalconAngel]

I showed my wife this thread and I asked her what she thought. To here it is a non-issue

Our situation is similar to Angelrose.

I told my wife that I was Bi within the first couple of months of us dating. She took it hard at first, but within a couple of days, we were talking about it and she was researching bisexuality and mixed orientation couples. Interestingly enough, she probably knows more about Bisexuality than me, her Bi husband. :cutelaugh

For her, knowing that I was Bi, while we were still in the dating stage; knowing that I had known I was Bi since long before we met, meant that it wasn't her lacking something at all.

And anyone who is in a mixed orientation relationship needs to understand that it is not you and it is not them.
It is nothing more than how they are. No one's fault and no one's "lacking" anything.

[wyrd_truth]

I have always been open about my sexuality with my partners. I am comfortable with myself because it took me so long to come to terms with being who and what I am. (Yeah for living in the deep south.) Some of my relationships turned out extermely well, some didn't. But communication and trust is a two way street.
Regardless of sexual orientation every relationship is different. It just depends on the communication of those involved.

[ris19]

Well I told my girlfriend i was bi because i felt like i needed to tell her for it to be an honest relationship. And I think she was kind of mad. Like if i didnt love her as much. But being bi doesnt change how i feel of her. We havent talked about it since then. But eh atleast she knws.