my wife

[Tom60152]

my wife and i recently celebrated our 1st anniversary..before we were married we had a discussion where i revealed to her that i have been extremely curious for many years about being with another man...at which time she revealed that at one time she played with another woman and was cool with my curiousity..however after we were married she had no recollection of that conversation,this lead to a big fight ..she has recently been diagnosed with as depressed and is now on medication.there has been a major turn around in her day to day behavior and we are on the road to a long and happy marriage..this past weekend discussions once again arouse about my curiousity..and she seems to be onboard with it to a certain extent.she however has one fear,and that is that i won't want her anymore..i assured her that i would always love her and she has nothing to worry about.we went to a drag show at a gay bar and even bought some bi movies a some fun new toys and will soon be buying a strap on for her to use on me.I even explained that part of my turn on is to have her there when i finally do play with another guy,and even said that maybe we could find a couple with the same desires as us(she's curious too) i agreed i would not play with the other woman.i'm ok with her and another guy,i used to swing in an earlier relationship..but heres my question,how do i convince her that i would never not want her and that exploring would only enhance our relationship?

thanks for reading this and any comments would be appreciated

[jamieknyc]

This is a question for a professional psychologist with experience dealing with bisexual couples, especially since you said she is on medication for depression.

[welickit]

You talk a good deal about you and what you want. You didn't bother saying what SHE wants. You seem selfish and self centered. You can't force her (convince her as you put it) to accept something she doesn't want. Back off and listen to her or leave her. Otherwise you are on a rocky road.

[proseros]

You talk a good deal about you and what you want. You didn't bother saying what SHE wants. You seem selfish and self centered. You can't force her (convince her as you put it) to accept something she doesn't want. Back off and listen to her or leave her. Otherwise you are on a rocky road.


Whoa. easy.

I would first think that we are dealing with persons who are not children and are quite familiar with each other as a couple to have tough discussions, to fight about them, and to cope with each other's afflictions and ailments.

Which is to point to out, as far the affliction and ailment is concerned, that at least he is honest enough and has the courage enough to publicly confront such an experience to begin with. Some people focus-others fold.

The concern arises especially where there is a lack of familiarity with the dynamics of the disease of depression. It is a disease my friend, like it or not and what you convey here strikes a chord of familiarity. That you mention the denial/dismission of ever having had the discussion in advance of "a big fight" prompts me to ask whether one factor is a contributary cause/condition of the other.

I do not know about the degree or type of your wife's depression or how it is being treated. "depression" is a very generic term to define a host of mental illnesses, from dysthimia to schizo-effective disorder.

I am only suggesting in as gentle a way as possible that as long as you are talking about 'curiosity' on the one-hand, you are talking about 'un-certainty' on the other. Regardless of what the issue is. And I am thus not sure that you should be focusing on any prospective arrangements as you mention.

It sounds as though the two of you have an otherwise very active and healthy love-life together, though it is well beyond me to know either way-It is just as important that you know the difference. And I am afraid to say that you probably don't. Which is why you are here asking this question in the first place.

Somewhere in your post you used a very loaded word- "behavior". And in that you must factor in this disease as it relates to your behavior as a couple, without such consideration which may subtely and insidiously undermine your relationship, since it is easy to enable and tolerate that which brings more pleasure than pain, you should take care you do not mistake one as a panacea for the other, namely-hers.

So yes I agree to greater extent with jamieknyc and understand welickit's apprehensive revile, but caution against such harsh reprimand reminding that yes the rocky road is still paved with good intentions, notwithstanding good understanding without which error cannot be avoided.

[jamieknyc]

Question: Is the depression related to the bisexuality- his or hers?

[Gina7777]

Hi Tom

I can only say I sympathise with your wife. It is a huge shock when the man you love and think is "only for you" tells you that actually he really craves some cock and has done for some time. As a woman you just feel like a complete failure - you didn't manage to satisfy him sexually - and completely redundant. It is hard to believe that he still "loves" you because of our conditioning that if someone loves you they should only want to have sex with you and nobody else - no other woman, let alone a man! You then go through all sorts of thought processes, including possibilities of exploring your own bi side. But still there is that huge neon sign inside your head saying "You were so un-sexy he decided he needed a man!"

I feel it is so important for us to tell people we are bi right from the start, even if it means they run a mile. At least it sorts the wheat from the chaff, and prevents pain later on.

I think it is a long and painful road to follow and I hope you both end up really happy and having a great sex life.

xxxxx

[csrakate]

but heres my question,how do i convince her that i would never not want her and that exploring would only enhance our relationship?

thanks for reading this and any comments would be appreciated

You tell her and you show her! You keep the lines of communication open and never give her a reason to doubt your honesty. As Gina said, it is very difficult to hear that your spouse desires to sleep with others and it stirs up a great deal of self doubt! Make sure you listen to her fears and understand them, don't negate them or make her feel ashamed for having them.

You sound as if you truly love your wife and I do not think you are simply acting selfishly as has been suggested. But that being said....communication is the key! Also, whatever you do, never force her into a situation where she feels uncomfortable or make her feel guilty if she prefers not to participate. The only way this can work is for you to both be on board.

[vittoria]

You talk a good deal about you and what you want. You didn't bother saying what SHE wants. You seem selfish and self centered. You can't force her (convince her as you put it) to accept something she doesn't want. Back off and listen to her or leave her. Otherwise you are on a rocky road.

Ouchies!

"Clarisse....."

[IllinoisGuy]

The one thing to think about is that ok-your wife is now being treated with medication(which is a good thing), is what she is saying(that she is open to you being with another guy or both of you with a couple) because of being on the meds or is that her true feeling? Only you would know the answer to that one.

And as for how to convince her, that would be one that you would have to take time and get her to be comfortable with the whole idea. You need to take it slow. You have nothing but time with all this. If you rush it, then you could potentially destroy everything(including your marriage). Just keep reinforcing the idea with her-not every day, but maybe once or twice a week..and just gauge her reaction. You might be surprised with the fact that she will say yes-line something up. Or, she might still need more time.

Also, if you need someone to talk to that is in the general vicinity, feel free to send me messages or mail. I'd be more than willing help discuss things and possibly give you more suggestions of ways to help you through it all.

[Mrs.F]

You tell her and you show her! You keep the lines of communication open and never give her a reason to doubt your honesty. As Gina said, it is very difficult to hear that your spouse desires to sleep with others and it stirs up a great deal of self doubt! Make sure you listen to her fears and understand them, don't negate them or make her feel ashamed for having them.

You sound as if you truly love your wife and I do not think you are simply acting selfishly as has been suggested. But that being said....communication is the key! Also, whatever you do, never force her into a situation where she feels uncomfortable or make her feel guilty if she prefers not to participate. The only way this can work is for you to both be on board.

I agree with Kate. I've been in your wife's shoes...as alot of us here have. I felt the same...like I was not enough, would/could not keep him happy. My husband did tell me and show me for the longest time that he was happy with me and I was enough for him. Sometimes it's the continuous talk about it that get's old and then I start to question things again. It's not something that should be talked about alot. Everytime he brings it up I know it's because he's needing/lacking something and it makes me feel uncomfortable. And you can't "convince" her. I really don't like that word. It should be her decision. If she over time decides that she wants to try it or that you can try it..then fine. But convincing her to do something she is not sure about is not a good thing!

[onewhocares]

Well...I can give you what I went through from a wife's perspective.

I know for me, finding out that my husband to be was bisexual was not a big thing before we were married....flash forward about 20 years and find out that he wants to lead a bisexual lifestyle. Now I am a very open and honest person, and love husband with all my heart so I knew he had to have this part of his life. I guess I was naive to think that it would be all fine and dandy, when in fact it had taken its toll. I can tell you there were countless times when he would come home from being with a man and be So happy...I would wonder if he feels that way when he was with me. I felt as if I had nothing to offer, that the more time he spent with men, the less time he would want with a woman, that woman being me. I felt like that for years to be honest..it sort of hurt the image that I had of myself. Insecurity crept into our relationship because I never really knew if he wanted me. Then one day, when we were making love it just clicked in MY mind, that I do have something to offer him that men do not. From that point forward I have been ok with it. It had little to do with him and more about my insecurities...so I can see your wifes perspective.

If your wife would like someone to speak or chat with, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Belle

[FalconAngel]

There are some very good points made here that are important to this, so let us reiterate them for clarity.

Being a mixed orientation couple, we are intimately familiar with your situation because we have been there, and in some ways, are there now. So here's what you need to do.

1) Tell her and show her, every day, that you love her and that she is the one that you want and you will not leave her for another man.

Realistically, would she have this issue over women if you were straight?
If not, then it is not very reasonable to have it over men, since, contrary to popular homophobic propaganda, Bisexuality is not a "gateway behavior" to homosexuality.

Have her come onto the site and read some of the related threads; there are quite a few, on this particular subject, that have been started just in the couple of years that we have been on this site.

2) Be honest with her about everything; your feelings, desires and anything that affects your relationship with her.

3) Whenever the issue comes up sit down together and work out how the two of you will work out handling your bisexuality. Yes, you have stated the current plan, but those can change as your situation evolves, so any changes must be worked out with the appropriate compromises that balance things out for both of you.

4) There are a lot of mixed orientation couples on this site.
Do not be afraid to ask for advice from anyone who is in or has been in your situation. Particularly if we have volunteered to help.

You will find that almost all of us are friendly and willing to help you sort out any issues since we have been there or are there.

5) Have her find out everything about bisexuality that she can.

When I told my wife, then girlfriend, that I was Bi, she found a whole lot of e-groups and websites that covered the subject, including sites for straight women involved with Bi men. It helped her a lot.

6) Encourage her to ask you anything about your sexuality and answer her with total honesty. If you are not sure of something, then tell her so.

[bisexualman]

Tom- Wow. Try to put this in perspective for me: In the above mentioned relationship there is one discussion prior to marriage. You are in a new relationship, no matter how strong, and one of the first challenges to the relationship is I want 'other'. There is no deep history of struggle, working together, having each other's back, showing through actions that you really are there for the long haul, and you are questioning why she is in doubt- deep doubt?

(By the way it is important, as others have pointed out, that the depression be treated by a professional. It also should be determined how this revelation of "bisexuality" plays into that depression so it does not add unnecessary stress and or blame where it is not needed. They are likely two separate issues- both gravely serious- that must be addressed.)

Now let me speak from my own experience here: I told my wife everything before we were married; in many discussions. I thought I had settled with myself my desires. Then 23 years later, after an amazingly solid relationship, I can't deny who I am anymore and want to act on my urges; she knew the whole time YET- We are still having discussions. We are still sorting out what this means for the relationship; what it means for each of us. She is totally on board and we are still talking. There are intense moments of emotion and trauma. Most importantly I need to know, hear and feel what all of this means to her. I guess what I am trying to say is: Even in the best scenario, this is not going to go smoothly. There is no easy answer to your question. It will take time, action and lots of communication.

[mickey69]

listen pull a guy in a bar or pub who is also bi get his number txt each other then arrange 4 him to come round 1 evening then tell your wife its already arranged and u cant back out now is she dont like it she knows were the door is simple. grow a spine an put ur foot down

[csrakate]

listen pull a guy in a bar or pub who is also bi get his number txt each other then arrange 4 him to come round 1 evening then tell your wife its already arranged and u cant back out now is she dont like it she knows were the door is simple. grow a spine an put ur foot down

And you've been married how long??? That was the most absurd comment I've heard in a long time.

[jamieknyc]

And you've been married how long??? That was the most absurd comment I've heard in a long time.

No feeding the trolls!

[Mrs.F]

listen pull a guy in a bar or pub who is also bi get his number txt each other then arrange 4 him to come round 1 evening then tell your wife its already arranged and u cant back out now is she dont like it she knows were the door is simple. grow a spine an put ur foot down


Your wife (if you have one) may have the same plans....she may pull a guy in a bar who is straight, get his number and text him to arrange a meeting one evening. She will tell you that it's been arranged and she can't back out. Since your bi and he's straight..I guess you will have to find the door cuz she will grow a spine suddenly and put her foot down to you.

What the hell kind of a comment is that. The respect for others feelings are just thrown out the window...Thanks for you input on this one!!

[BreeIsMe]

unbelievably callous!!!

Bree



listen pull a guy in a bar or pub who is also bi get his number txt each other then arrange 4 him to come round 1 evening then tell your wife its already arranged and u cant back out now is she dont like it she knows were the door is simple. grow a spine an put ur foot down

[parkerbi]

Do you really think that will enhance your relationship?