Him/Her married and Bi.....

[biupstateny]

My husband and I have been married now for 5 months. I knew he was bi long before we got married and I have no quams with letting him experiance things within his own time. My only problem is meeting people on web sites such as this one and the person that e-mails us is married. Now, my question is, how would you feel if a bi person contacted you, they admitted they were married, and you had a very strong feeling by reading their profile that they are in the closet when it comes to telling their spouse?? I am not entertaining married people that contact me. I don't like the idea of one keeping secrets from the other. And to me that person is just using this web site as a way to cheat. Am I wrong for thinking this way? I woulden't want my husband to go behind my back and try to meet someone without telling me, that would kill me. If you can't be open enough with each other to be honest, then you should keep your bi side/fantisies/need to experimant tucked away so there is no chance of it coming between your marriage.....I don't know, I guess Im just one of the lucky women.....

[Falke]

I agree 100%. The Frau and I are in the same boat, really we don't want to get caught in the middle of someone cheating on their wife or girlfriend/boyfriend.

[Biboz49]

Same here, we agree. We would feel terrible if a marriage was ruined by us playing with someone who was being "discreet". Besides it's hard enough to schedule times to get together when everyone knows what's going on.

[rissababynta]

I agree. If someone gets in touch with either myself or my husband and they are married, we don't have a problem with that at all...as long as their spouse knows. I do not wish to be with a woman and potentially be a part of what causes a divorce and the same goes for my husband with any men.


Of course, there are plenty of people in the world who don't care ("hey, if they don't want to tell their partner, that's not my problem"). To each their own. But there are plenty of other people who do, and it's not fair to not be truthful with them either if you are still in the closet with your spouse!

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

You are absolutely right in your thinking Hon, and your concerns are valid. I am in the Swing Lifestyle, and I am constantly being approached by men who just want a "Little on the side" without telling their spouse. :( I dont go for that nonsense, and tell them to take a hike immediately.
If a person isnt willing to be open and honest in their lusting, then they dont deserve to find someone to help them cheat. Its not right, its not honest nor respectable. If you can trust them to be honest with their own spouse, why should you trust them to be honest with you?
Keep on listening to your feelings, Girlfriend..;)
Cat

[FalconAngel]

We share everyone else's consensus on this.

We are in a similar situation. We get e-mails, or see them posted on various Bi groups, all the time from guys who are "discreet" or "on the down low" and it's all just BS to us.

We refuse to get hooked up with guys that are cheating on their spouse. Besides the issues of making time work out, when the spouse finds out, and she always does, eventually, we don't want someone knocking on our door or suing us for playing with her husband.

It isn't worth the hassle and that kind of thing always blows up in your face. It's just a matter of time.

We make a point of discussing, together any guys that contact us, even though I (husband) do all of the handling of e-mails and such. Then we meet the guy together. If we don't do it together, then she sends me and we discuss it together afterward before ever playing with the guy.

In your case, it sounds like he goes out alone to play and whatnot, so your situation is handled a bit differently than we handle ours. But, as others have said, stay honest with each other and don't let him get hooked up with "down low" guys and things should stay good.

[droog0042]

We have been with people who are married and cheating but then they tell us after we have sex with them and they lied in the first place when we asked them if they're married!

[Mrs.F]

To take things to another level. My husband had an add out for a "friends w/ benefits" and explained all he was interested in and what he wanted in the friendship. A guy about my husbands age who rides Harley's answered and seemed the perfect guy, lived near us and seemed to be everything my husband wanted. THE CATCH---This guy didn't like that "I, the wife" knew my husband was bisexual. His gf did NOT know and he wanted it to stay that way. He felt that my knowing put HIS relationship with his gf in a bad situation. His words were "you and Flounder may have a falling out and a nasty divorce and you could come back on him for being bi and playing with guys....you bring up my name and my gf finds out and it's all over for me". "Thanks but NO thanks...I will not be a part of that".

I was absolutely dumb founded. That made me want to tell his gf right now what he's doing behind her back. That pissed me off! :mad:

[biupstateny]

To take things to another level. My husband had an add out for a "friends w/ benefits" and explained all he was interested in and what he wanted in the friendship. A guy about my husbands age who rides Harley's answered and seemed the perfect guy, lived near us and seemed to be everything my husband wanted. THE CATCH---This guy didn't like that "I, the wife" knew my husband was bisexual. His gf did NOT know and he wanted it to stay that way. He felt that my knowing put HIS relationship with his gf in a bad situation. His words were "you and Flounder may have a falling out and a nasty divorce and you could come back on him for being bi and playing with guys....you bring up my name and my gf finds out and it's all over for me". "Thanks but NO thanks...I will not be a part of that".

I was absolutely dumb founded. That made me want to tell his gf right now what he's doing behind her back. That pissed me off! :mad:


I can relate with you somewhat there....my husband has met men on the computer and they (the other guy) dosen't want me to watch while my husband cams....I don't get it!!!..yea...You should of told his gf!! LOL!!!

[welickit]

We agree 100%. A cheat and a liar has nothing to offer but more cheating and lies. We get several emails a week from different sites that are cheating males and once in a while a cheating female. We don't go there. We play together and stay together. Weeding out the cheats is usually pretty easy. First thing we ask them is do they have a place to meet. Most either don't reply or say they have a room mate or they live with relatives. Some are such assholes they reply with Yes, the backseat of my car or a storage area. I think we have heard every excuse there is from cheats. We have also heard from legit single guys who are offended that the wife is aware and is a part of all our sexual activities. We see them as being more gay than bisexual. We just take it in stride and move on.

[bigulfcpl]

My husband and I have been married now for 5 months. I knew he was bi long before we got married and I have no quams with letting him experiance things within his own time. My only problem is meeting people on web sites such as this one and the person that e-mails us is married. Now, my question is, how would you feel if a bi person contacted you, they admitted they were married, and you had a very strong feeling by reading their profile that they are in the closet when it comes to telling their spouse?? I am not entertaining married people that contact me. I don't like the idea of one keeping secrets from the other. And to me that person is just using this web site as a way to cheat. Am I wrong for thinking this way? I woulden't want my husband to go behind my back and try to meet someone without telling me, that would kill me. If you can't be open enough with each other to be honest, then you should keep your bi side/fantisies/need to experimant tucked away so there is no chance of it coming between your marriage.....I don't know, I guess Im just one of the lucky women.....

We state right in our profile, we will not entertain these type of requests. If you are married, you both must be active, or we won't get together. We won't play separately, and we expect the same from couples we meet. Just our thoughts, we meet and play to excite each other, and a big part of that is watching the other play, whether it be with male or female.

[FalconAngel]

We state right in our profile, we will not entertain these type of requests. If you are married, you both must be active, or we won't get together. We won't play separately, and we expect the same from couples we meet. Just our thoughts, we meet and play to excite each other, and a big part of that is watching the other play, whether it be with male or female.

That's very much like us, but we also know that there are couples, like ours, who are mixed orientation where she sends him out to play on his own, whether she meets us or not (some don't want the details, while some do), so we take as many precautions as possible to insure that the guy is not lying to us. If we get a twinge that the guy is hiding something, we back out because we would rather play by ourselves than be in a situation with a cheater.

[angelrose1955]

I have talked about this with my partner...and we are in agreement on this. I do not understand why anyone would want to cheat on their partner...if you want to explore your bi side...do it openly...discussit with your partner....so many time the "cheater" doesn't think of the consequesces tat they are bringing not only on themselves, but also on the people they play with AND most of all their partner. So many time the old addage is said "what they don't know won't hurt them"...believe me...they will find out...at one time or another...they WILL find out...and in my case...when it happened to me, it nearly did kill me. I am so glad that Shameless is not that type. The cheater endangers the life of his partner and the lives of people he plays with....too many times when the one at home finds out...there is all sorts of hell that breaks loose...just watch the news.....stalking, gunfire, killing...is it worth all of that??? Just for a few moments of pleasure??? I don't think so. If you are gonna play outside of the marriage...discuss it with your partner...if you don't think they will understand...then you should think strong and hard about whether it is worth distroying your marriage over.....believe me...being the one who finds out the partner is cheating....that is one of the worst things to do to a person...that you supposedly love.....
Just my thoughts
AngelRose...aka baby

[Rambigent]

When my wife and I started talking about opening up our marriage, this was one thing we discussed, and we both agreed we wouldn't want to get involved with anyone who was sneaking around on their spouse or significant other...no matter how hot they are.... :tong:

So far we've pretty much exclusively played with/dated other couples, so it really hasn't been an issue yet. If in the future we get involved with a supposedly single person and we get the vibe it's someone stepping out on their partner, we would not let it get past the talking stage. I don't mind discussing sex or relationships or anything else with a person who is trying to work through things, and don't mind being friends with a person who is involved in a relationship but unsure about it. But I also don't want to encourage anyone to lie to the person they claim they're in love with. As I say in my profile, I'm not about to judge another person's situation but I don't want to be a party to cheating, whether it's on a wife or husband or boyfriend or girlfriend...I have been involved in different sides of cheating situations in the past and it's awful for everyone. I can sympathize with the men and women who might not have even considered that they had a bi side when they got married years ago...or the people who were wildly in love when they got married but now the flames of passion have died...but I do think that honesty with one's partner is a better and healthier solution than cheating.

biupstateny, I'll echo your sentiment...I'm one of the lucky ones...I am very lucky to be in a relationship that is both loving and open!

[Cogent]

There are a lot of holier than thou comments in this topic. Life is not always black and white.

Relationships between people can be quite complex. And in some cases there is no one right course of action. All actions -- or inactions -- may cause harm.

It is absolutely any individual's right not to have sex with someone who is married or in a committed relationships whose partner does not know and or does not approve. If that is your moral stand, stick to it. An of course, it's wise to avoid potential entanglements with the "injured" spouse.

Just do not be quick to condemn the other party.

To be sure, people are quick to rationalize their behaviors and very few people live by a clearly defined moral compass. So "cheating behaviour" may just be a sign of self-indulgence and moral turpitude. And it may not.

On the "cast -the first-stone" front, how many of those who blanketly condemn the so called "cheater" fudge their taxes, play fast and loose with their expense reports, spend money without their spouse knowing or commit other indiscretions?

food for thought

[Aravanww]

Please tell me that is a jest! Holier than though aside, cheating is cheating and there are no "circumstances" that make it right. You cannot condone another "keeping it discreet" and not have a play of conscious over the fact that there is another person who can be seriously hurt.
I have been married for 18 years, and when we hit the 10th year I told my wife I was bi. I had not cheated on her in any way and was not looking to have an excuse, "well I told you first.." but someone from my past had returned and was angry with me for a perceived wrong... I told her so that she would hear it from me and not another.
Well she asked for time to digest the info, and told her hair dresser and nail tech that I had told her I was bi... they are a gay couple that own the business together... and both looked at her and went "duh, you didn't know??"
Ever since then one of the rules about us opening our marriage is that we respect others rules. But the other person, a potential playmate's spouse, they have rules too, and those also have to be respected.
just my ::2cents::

[Ninnian]

The only thing I didn't understand was the attitude that one wouldnt entertain "married" interests, when they themselves are?? Does this mean you Never yourself write anyone , or if you do -you have done so thinking that you shouldnt get a response in teh positive? It may be that I didnt quite comprehend what was written - things get so fuzzy when it's only writing (an dyour dyslexic ...)

We feel very much as some of you do. I think our profile is thoughtful on this topic.(of course.. I Think of things, an ddont always get them down while the brian is going 70 mph.. but I Try). We are a couple. We're looking for bi cpls, but are also looking for a guy for him .. yadayada....
We've been pretty direct when talking to others who have written us." Dont cheat. If you Do cheat, it won't be with us. Thanks for the interest- Good Luck" kinda thing.
You can but Ask for honesty. I answer such things honestly- I know I may not get the samer in return ,which may be why Im so cynical. LOL


You can only do so much to try to filter out t your preferences. Someone who is bent on lying will do so to the fullest extent of thier capability. I try to keep my life as honest as I can-- which means I dont fudge my taxes (oy!..) and I try Not to say " yes ,that dress make syour booty look big" unless Im asked directly. Its better for me and my karma.

:2cents: Nin

[Cogent]

If your wife/spouse were paralyzed and incapable sex -- and yet if she/he were unable to discuss the issue, and divorce would condemn her and the children to an even worse fate... what would you do?

Have no sex at all and go crazy. Try to discuss the issue when she refuses. Tell her you are going to do it anyway and bring about a rupture?

Would that serve her interests, your love for her or your commitment to your children?

So, there are situations that are not so clear as tot eh right thing.

[fairbankswingers]

We agree that all should know, and choose not to play with cheaters...now, with that said if Roger finds a guy who he really likes and the other guy and him play that is cool as long as I know and she knows...same with me, if I find a woman who I want to spend some time with and we do, he does not care as long as we all know...what was nice was our last couple we knew as she was not bi, but knew her husband and mine were lovers, we all were also swinging as couples, and was wonderful...my husband was bi and knew it long before we were ever married, and kept it secret, mostly due to the fact he was military...I tried my bi side when we first started to swing, and found I enjoy a woman once in a while, but prefer men, my husband said he loves men and woman and does not prefer one over the other so I guess he is truly bi...we do have a very hard time finding other married bi men in swinging or what not who let thier wives know, so he gets lonly for a man's attention now and then, but says he would rather abstain then ruin a marrage...I agree