Is bisexuality linked to unfullfilled martial/single intercourse? [Archive]

View Full Version : Is bisexuality linked to unfullfilled martial/single intercourse?

mindfinding

Jun 29, 2008, 2:16 PM

*pan*

Jun 29, 2008, 3:12 PM

well my sex in marrige is awsome with both wives, so guess thats not the reason i'm bisexual. although sex with men is somewhat lacking sometimes, it seems the ones i do meet just want to get off and then run. so guess they would fall into your catagory of lacking in their marrige maby. both my wives know i am bisexual and are ok with it. they figure it's something they cant do for me so it's ok for me to be with another man. so to answer your question " is bisexuality linked to unfullfilled martial sex" in my case i would have to say no. :bibounce:

Rambigent

Jun 29, 2008, 8:03 PM

I think another way to look at the situation is, perhaps many people come to consider that they may be bisexual after they have found relationships with just one sex unfulfilling. After trying to live their life according to the "straight" or "gay" paradigm, they found themselves thinking, "This is nice, but I can't help feeling there might be a little more to enjoy".

It's also possible that people who are in touch with their sexuality enough to consider that they might be bisexual also tend to have a higher sexual drive than a mate who is maybe not as "open" sexually.

In the end (heh), I think it depends on each individual. I'll answer your individual questions as they pertain to me:

<<Have you linked a lack of sex life to your bisexuality?>>
- No, actually I had considered that I might be bisexual before I actually had much of a sex life. I'll admit, when I am not getting as much sexual attention from my wife as I would like, I'm usually quicker to consider a hookup with a male than a female, since it seems like it would be easier to find a guy who would be willing to have a quickie and then bail, plus I think there is probably a part of me that feels like it would be less like cheating, since I'm not fucking another woman behind her back. But I don't think we've ever had a dry spell longer than a week in our ten year marriage, so I haven't ever had to feel neglected for long. Even though sometimes we just have quickies ("maintenance sex" as my wife likes to call it), we have wild, nasty, sweaty, mind-blowing sex sessions often enough that I get my RDA of intimacy and passion. Plus, we've started swinging in the last few years, which has only made our sex life better - and has had a lot more to do with my identifying as bisexual than anything about our sex life previously.

<<Does your spouse know about your other side?>>
- Yes, she knew about my bi side before we were even a couple. She was there the first time I ever kissed another man. Plus she is even more openly bi than I am, so I never felt like there was an issue about my bisexual feelings.

<<How have you coped with not pursuing things outside of your marriage?>>
- Kind of a moot question for me, considering that we have an open marriage. We have only had sex with other people when we're together, so all my guy-on-guy experimenting has been with her looking on. Which is cool, and although I wouldn't mind trying a little solo exploring, I don't think we're quite there yet. We've had discussions about it, and to be honest, I don't think I could handle her going out on dates alone at this point. We both really enjoy watching each other in action, so while things might change later, everything is good the way we've been going. So for now, I guess you could say we're both pursuing things inside the marriage.

<<Have you went outside your marriage to fulfill your sexual needs?>>
- I guess it depends on how you think about swinging. We've had sex with other people, but we haven't cheated on each other. I would say we've done a good job keeping our sexual needs fullfilled, but in order to fulfill some of our sexual desires, we had to bring in a few more people. ;)

<<How do you feel in general on the topic?>>
- I think in your case, having a less sexual partner has made you consider other options more than someone else might. I think it makes sense that you would be feeling "more drawn to purely sexual relationships with others". Your wife is fulfilling almost all of your intellectual and emotional needs, it's only your sexual fulfillment that's lacking (and quite possibly the intellectual/emotional needs that overlap sex, but that's another topic). You're not getting as much sex as you want, so you're thinking about it a lot, even obsessing on it. If you were a straight guy, as BisexualExplorer pointed out, you wouldn't be considering sex with men, you'd be looking at other women. But you're bisexual, so you ARE thinking about sex with men. It's not because you're not getting enough sex from your wife, it's because you're bisexual.

I think it might be possible that a lack of sexual intimacy in a relationship could cause a person who is already bisexual to desire exploring that side of themselves more. But I don't think the lack of sex is what makes the person bisexual.

Mrs.F

Jun 29, 2008, 8:29 PM

Here's my :2cents: and this only has to do with Flounder and I, can't answer for anyone else.

Flounder had, had some experiences before he met and married me. He told me when I found out of his bi side that he had planned to just put all that away and lock it up. However, we had a hard and difficult time getting pregnant and then I had a rocky pregnancy and my libido disappeared after I gave birth. When our son was 2 and he was not being sexual satisfied by me he had the urges come back full force. So in my husband's case...it was linked to having an unfullfilled sex life.

Now I'm going to speak for myself. After having my son, I think Flounder and I both changed emotionally and sexually. I am straight, and that didn't change but I was not getting what I needed from him emotionally either. So we were both going through a hard time and not realizing it. I didn't realize how much I was lacking in what I needed until I joined this site to help support my husband's bisexual side. I soon found others were dealing with the same issues and I knew I was not alone. I then met a wonderful man who has become a dear friend and more! Talking with him via phone and internet made me feel more whole and then meeting him in person.........I found what I was lacking.

It's hard to know why it happens or how to fix it!

eyewarepanties

Jun 29, 2008, 10:18 PM

In my case, I would have to say that my becoming bisexual was due to and unfullfilled sex life in my marriage. I love my wife but she has lost her desire for sex and has for years. I wasn't aware that I had bisexual tendencies until a couple of years ago. She does not know of my other side. She does know that I wear panties and that is it.

mindfinding

Jun 29, 2008, 11:19 PM

All responses up to this point have been very very helpful. Thank you all for giving clear, intelligent insights. Very fulfilling reads.

I welcome anyone else to add to this. It makes an enormous difference having a support community with intelligent, honest and wise people.

bisexualman

Jun 30, 2008, 12:59 AM

I can say in my case there is no unfulfilled sex in our marriage at least from my perspective. If anything, this change has intensified our sex. (didn't think it was possible, but it happened.) AND it intensified our bond to each other.

I want to borrow a key distinction someone brought up- It is not unfulfilled needs as much as unfulfilled desires. My wife is good to me, but she doesn't have a real penis, and she is not a man nor does she have a masculine persona. For me there is something about sex with a man that is only possible with an actual man. You can get close (toys are great!) but it is not the same.
Part of my desire is because I denied my true self for so long. My wife knew everything about me before we were married. I just bought into the belief I had to choose. Now that I am accepting me, I need to explore those desires. There is something missing that she, as wonderful, and beautiful, and loving as she is, can't fulfill. We have talked about whether one person can ever really fulfill everything in another person. Still thinking on that one.
Haven't actually been with another man yet- since I came out- will see how things are when and if it happens.

coyotedude

Jun 30, 2008, 1:55 AM

I would say absolutely not.

In my own case, I recognized my bisexuality well before I ever considered getting married. In fact, I lost my virginity with guys years before I lost my virginity with a woman.

If you think about it, straight men have strayed from their female partners since the dawn of time. Yet they choose to have sex not with a man, but with another woman.

A lousy sex life with the wife may give a bisexual married man an excuse to sleep with another man, but it's certainly not the reason he seeks male sex over female sex. If we want to know why male sex is so attractive to us, we need to look inside ourselves, not at our wives.

Peace

FalconAngel

Jun 30, 2008, 2:29 AM

We do not believe so.

Look at the facts; Married men/women that cheat on their spouses often cite the fact that the spouse in not interested or some other sex-related excuse.

It happens, but it is extremely unlikely that unfulfilled marital sex is in any way linked to bisexuality.

Straight, gay or BI: If you are going to cheat on a spouse or have sex outside of your spousal relationship, then your sexuality has nothing to do with it. Your sex drive does.

Ziggy Stardust

Jun 30, 2008, 6:46 AM

If you are bisexual, this is a part of your life, your soul, your personality. It is nothing you switch on due to unfulfilled sex life.

What is true, however, that bisexual or homosexual desires that are not obvious due to a fulfilled sex life might break out in times when one is not satisfied with his/her marital partner.

I had my first gay experience when I was 13, and for all of my life I have loved both girls and boys. After I met my ( now divorced wife ) and fell in love with her, I did not waste any thought on boys for many years - up until that point when our sex life became poor and unfulfilling and our faded away. That was when I started to look for boys again - because it was an easy way to gain sexual pleasures without feelings involved, and I could also lie to myself and tell me it was not cheating on my wife...

Anyway: if you are bisexual, you are bisexual, no matter how fulfilled your sex life is. Unfulfilled marital/single intercourse might make you think over your sexual preferences, and thus help to find out about your bisexual nature.

Mrs.F

Jun 30, 2008, 8:11 AM

[QUOTE=bisexualman;106467]I can say in my case there is no unfulfilled sex in our marriage at least from my perspective. If anything, this change has intensified our sex. (didn't think it was possible, but it happened.) AND it intensified our bond to each other.

Our's intensified also after I found out he was bisexual.....because I was clueless what all this meant. I was so afraid that he would leave me because I was not what he wanted. In my mind...if I gave him what he wanted and needed and he didn't have to ask..I just become a sex machine he would be happy and just forget it all. That didn't happen and I could not go on that way forever. But since that time, things have changed between us and we just have to see how things go from here.

jamieknyc

Jun 30, 2008, 10:32 AM

I think it is true that some people who otherwise don't really have an interest in bisexuality end up experimenting with it because they are unhappy with their sex lives with their spouses.

Snafu

Jun 30, 2008, 10:47 AM

I have wondered about these questions as well. I can't quite decide if it the chicken or the egg came first though. I have a super unfullfilling sex life with my husband. Last year he admitted to me that he has never been sexually attracted to me. I sense that he doesn't really want to have sex with me and we only have sex like 3 times a year.

And I remember feeling really unwanted as a woman sexually before my bisexual past reawoke. Now I feel so bisexual/borderline gay that I just don't know how I would go back. It sure would be nice if he would have some kind of sex drive to do something other than masterbate in front of his computer though. Any time I suggest something out of extra super boring ordinary he says it doesn't sound good.

Anyway....I know I have both of these things. I know the bad sex life came first before the bisexuality. But I don't know if the bisexuality would have reawoken anyway. I am guessing so, but maybe in a little more mellow of a way?

mindfinding

Jun 30, 2008, 11:40 AM

Wow, great insight. Thanks again.

Your guys are wonderful. :)

crowemagnum

Jun 30, 2008, 12:45 PM

This has been a good and helpful discussion to read. This is true of my own life marriage now to a woman with a personality disorder, diagnosed in 1998. Our sex life has been horrible. Now at 51 I'm interested in men who have always been more dependable in my life far more than my mother, my wife or any other woman.

srladysmith

Jun 30, 2008, 2:27 PM

Have you linked a lack of sex life to your bisexuality?
NO

Does your spouse know about your other side?

Yes, since before we started dating

How have you coped with not pursuing things outside of your marriage?

Through open and honest communication, even when it is painful. Never lying and always letting him know when I am interested in someone.

Have you went outside your marriage to fulfill your sexual needs?

Yes, but he has always known and often become friends with the person.

How do you feel in general on the topic?

There are times of this site that it seem that bisexuality is not the issue being dealt with here. Does wanting to sexually experiment really make you bisexual? I feel more threads of this nature would benefit all on this site to determine were on the sexuality continuum they fall.

These are only my thought please take what you have use for and leave the rest. I do not seek to judge others but to be true to myself and those I love.

mindfinding

Jun 30, 2008, 7:09 PM

Great read! All this input really shines a light on the thoughts that flow through the mind of one finding himself.

vittoria

Jun 30, 2008, 8:26 PM

rissababynta

Jul 1, 2008, 1:01 AM

It is something I have seen to many times to count on this site. Many of the bisexuals on this board have had sex lives that simply didn't pan out the way they had wished. Myself included, I have noticed many males and females state a serious lack of affection from their partners sexually; does this lack create the motion to bisexuality?

Before I start, my wife is an amazing woman. Sex only makes up a small percentage of our relationship and she is my best friend. No question. I cannot see myself ever marrying anyone else. Ever. I love her dearly and she does me. That said,.....

I know for myself, I have been dealing with Bi-urges and fantasies since long before I was married. But compounded with a virtually non existent sex life, I know I feel more drawn to purely sexual relationships with others.

Have you linked a lack of sex life to your bisexuality?

Does your spouse know about your other side?

How have you coped with not pursuing things outside of your marriage?

Have you went outside your marriage to fulfill your sexual needs?

How do you feel in general on the topic?

I'd really like to hear from any of you and all of you. Singles included.

Thanks :bigrin:

I knew that I was bisexual long before I knew what a serious or sexual relationship really even was, so I don't contribute who I am to anything like that. I believe that it is just the way that I am, the way that I was born, and this is how I was going to be no matter what.

So to answer your questions:

No. My sex life has always been wonderful, even after already knowing that I was bisexual.

My spouse and I are both bi and we both know.

We both have an agreement that there are things that a man can not always fulfill for me (like, being a woman duh) and that a woman can not always fulfill for him, so if we should happen to find someone of the same sex that we want to be with, it is fine. As long as I am the only woman in his life and he is the only man in my life, we're happy. So if the urge arises, we don't worry about not following the desire because we both understand where the other is coming from. Again, this is only if we happen to feel this way for someone, nothing like this has happened for years anyway.

We haven't really gone crazy outside of the marriage, but like I said, it is open if the feeling is needed.

To be blunt, I don't put a lot of thought into this topic. I know that we are happy with our agreement, and others may not be. So to each their own.

imway2wild4you

Jul 1, 2008, 11:32 AM

I think in some ways this is a two fold question and really depends on how open the relationship is. To answer the first I would have to say that yes, this is because of unfullfilled sexual needs and my wife's unwillingness to satisfy or perhaps my inability to communicate my erotic needs. My wife is not into toys or anal or much anything out side of the very vanilla sex. That said, I love her dearly and she and I do have a very strong emotional relationship but sex is very lacking. This is where my bi side comes in. I have not had sex with any single women out side my marriage but have been with another couple, attention mostly focused on him to satisfy the sexual needs that I have.

As I indicated earlier this is a two sided issues. For those whom their wives know about and support the bi sexual experiences it seems to enhance their relationship and the "mystique" behind it adds to their relationship. However, for guys that are closeted the sex at home doesn't improve and if anything there is a stronger pull to the bi/gay side because such satisfies the needs.

Just a thought.

12voltman59

Jul 1, 2008, 11:50 AM

I think that for some of those people who are married and seek to have sexual and/or romantic relationships with those of the same gender are dissappointed in certain aspects of their relationships with their partners--but that does not explain why they want to be with someone of the same gender---that is something that has to be there anyhow.

This makes me go back to my ever firmer held belief that by "nature"--humans do have an attraction to those of the same gender--its not wrong--its not right--it simply is--

I hold that if all of the things that block us from pursuing sexual and/or emotional relationships--MOST--but not all course--people-men and women--would have relationships of this nature with those of the same gender---

I guess that there might also be a bit of that old thing of "the grass is greener..." that is at work as well when it comes to married guys wanting to have sex with other guys---but once again--the desire to have sex with another guy has to be there at any rate---or married women wishing to have sex with other women too---

droog0042

Jul 5, 2008, 12:56 AM

Have you linked a lack of sex life to your bisexuality?
-No we have not.

Does your spouse know about your other side?
-Yes we know about each other.

How have you coped with not pursuing things outside of your marriage?
-We have an open relationship.

Have you went outside your marriage to fulfill your sexual needs?
-There have been times when we've had sex with other men/women when the other person wasn't there but those are rare and that's because he was having sex with a gay man and she was having sex with a lesbian and in these cases they did not want sex with the person of the opposite sex or for the other person to even be there and we respected their wishes.

How do you feel in general on the topic?
-It's OK but why the bad ignorant assumptions about how "everyone is bisexual" or that the majority of people somehow deep down want sex with the same gender or opposite gender (if they're homosexual), when it's simply not true at all?

bigulfcpl

Jul 5, 2008, 3:09 PM

Have you linked a lack of sex life to your bisexuality?

No, not at all. I have been bisexual since I was a teen. Although I have had two marriages, where sex was lacking, it did not contribute to my bisexuality.

Does your spouse know about your other side?

Absolutely, we share everything together. We swing as a bisexual couple, and that is the turn on for both of us.

How have you coped with not pursuing things outside of your marriage?

We don't pursue outside of our relationship, when we swing, we do it together, or not at all.

Have you went outside your marriage to fulfill your sexual needs?

No, not recently, but, in the past, I did.

How do you feel in general on the topic?

For some, there may be a link, for me, there is no link.

Ron posting