I am what I am, but am I bi too?

[prettyboytomato]

Hello all!

I'm a noob here, so I don't know how appropriate it is to post here what I am I about to write, but considering this is bisexual.com, I think I'll be pretty much on topic, though I should warn you all that I am a bit of a rambler. So, with that in mind, here's my somewhat lengthy, somewhat candid post.

Here goes. I'm bi-curious. That is, up until recently, for a many years, I was pretty certain I was gay. I'm starting to think that maybe it's more that I convinced myself I was gay. Well, I suppose it all started when I was 15, with my last girlfriend. I had been aware all my life about my more than casual interest in other boys, but it wasn't until that last girlfriend that I started thinking I'd be happier with men.. It wasn't an easy transition. Never mind the self-confidence issues and the homophobia suffered. The central theme to my sexuality has always been this: Though I am hopelessly attracted to men, physically, it's a rare man that can capture my heart. Conversely, I am not overly attracted to women, but I easily fall hopelessly in love with them. So, since about 15, I've been out as gay, but always with the thought lingering in my mind that "gay" didn't really fit quite right. I had finally pushed out that lingering thought a couple of years ago and decided that gay is what I is. However, I still keep falling in love with women (and they with me) and I am no longer satisfied writing it off and saying "Too bad I'm gay."

When I think about pursuing a hetero relationship, I hesitate. After having been defined (to myself and to others) as gay for so long, I feel like I can't open that door and still be taken seriously. It might not be that big a stretch since I'm not the most effeminate of men. Indeed, I have straight male friends who are much more effeminate than I. My point is, I don't tend to register on the gaydar. But, would it even be fair to pursue a hetero relationship? Since I am pretty much the blabbermouth-open-book-heart-on-my-sleeve type I will be compelled to be completely honest with any girl I want to be with. But would she constantly be worried that I'd run off with a man? I am a monogamous kinda guy, but would it even be fair to me? Could I live without satisfying that carnal desire for man-sex? I guess I'll never know until try. Geh, it seems so much easier living in the "black or white" spectum.

But, I think the weirdness is in that sort of shift from gay to bi, since people tend to get weirded out by those shades of gray. I would rather not define myself by my sexual preference, but people often define others that way. As much as i would love to pretend it doesn't matter, I do care what others think of me and how they perceive me. The toughest bit would be introducing my family to the new girlfriend. I suppose they'd get over it... they dealt with the gay thing pretty well. I guess the important thing is that I am true to myself and honest with the people I love.

Anyway, thanks for reading my ramblings.. I'm trying to figure this all out after I thought I had it pinned down. But, maybe I don't need to pin it down. Maybe that's my only problem.....

Any thoughts? Any guys out there who had pigeonholed themselves as gay only to discover bi is more like it?

[jamieknyc]

My advice to you would be to do what works for you, and to not worry so much about labels. No one, gay, bi, or straight, is locked into one form of sexuality for life. Also, don't be intimdated by anyone telling you that you have to choose whether you are gay or bi. You have no obligation to let your life be dictated to simply because someone else has made an ideology out of identity politics.

[prettyboytomato]

That is pretty much how I want to look at it. Ultimately, I am what I am and It's not so much a label that I seek. It's more like I'm having trouble getting away from that need for validation and that sense of belonging one can get when it becomes apparent that there are others with similar feelings/experiences. A label is kind of a sloppy shortcut to finding those people, but I suppose, as you suggest, sexuality is kind of a tricky thing to label because of its fluid nature. Bisexuality, especially, defies definition as it covers such a wide gamut of sexuality much more so than either gay or straight. Identifying as bisexual doesn't say a lot. It's too inclusive.. Those Kinsey numbers don't do say enough either.

I guess what I'm saying is that with out the ability to identify aspects of my nature, I find it difficult to be able to begin to relate to others. Being a beautiful and unique snowflake gets a bit lonely. It's how I've felt, identifying as gay but having few gay acquaintances cause I don't feel any connection with the "community" and I've always felt like I've got very little in common with the gay men I have met including the one I do call a friend. But I suppose that defacto lonliness is part of the human condition. After all, we are, for the most part, trapped in our own minds.

[FalconAngel]

Jamie is right about the whole "ignore the labels" thing.

I took a look at your profile (you should fill it out, btw), and even though it is devoid of anything about you, based on the picture, you look to be in your 20's. You are still young and your perspective will change over time, as you may seem to have already noticed that they have, so far.

What you may want to do is to try to find a local bisexuals support group and sit in a few times. Talk to the folks there. Sexuality; particularly bisexuality is fluid and often changing. And being bi covers a whole range of sexual attractions.
It isn't black and white. It is a whole range of grays.

No matter what, until you can accept yourself for who you are and what you are, then it won't matter if anyone else accepts you for what they perceive you to be, or not.

Acceptance starts with you accepting and understanding yourself. Once you do that, then you can handle what other people think about you and you will find greater acceptance from places and persons that you might never even imagined.

[jamieknyc]

Gays and bisexuals are not the same, and do not necessarily have reasons why they should feel that they have things in common. What you experienced is entirely normal.

You should get involved in the chat on this forum. Many of the people here have had similar experiences.

[ThatSubliminalKid]

If you're one of those lucky people who has a choice in their sexuality as in you're equally attracted to both genders, just stick with men.

Most women are too much of a hassle, they don't put out nearly enough, they're venomous/spiteful and use things against you, and most men in general don't do this as much as women do.

JamieK-Not all homosexuals and bisexuals are that different, and also lots of homosexuals are accepting of bisexuality and are fine with it. You really should get out and meet more homosexuals.

[csrakate]

If you're one of those lucky people who has a choice in their sexuality as in you're equally attracted to both genders, just stick with men.

Most women are too much of a hassle, they don't put out nearly enough, they're venomous/spiteful and use things against you, and most men in general don't do this as much as women do.

JamieK-Not all homosexuals and bisexuals are that different, and also lots of homosexuals are accepting of bisexuality and are fine with it. You really should get out and meet more homosexuals.

I guess I don't get your rationale for this post. I'm sorry if you've had some bad experiences in the past, but it's hardly fair to say that MOST women are this way. Many men can be just as difficult as you say women are and there are plenty of them who have been less than perfect when it comes to relationships. BUT, that being said, neither gender can be defined by the less than perfect traits of a few. If the OP is open to loving both, why not let him make that decision for himself? He's obviously had some very positive experiences with women and if he feels a need to explore that part of himself, then more power to him. I applaud him for having an open mind and for wanting to put aside labels in order to find what may make him happy.

Hugs,
Kate

[MarieDelta]

I tend to agree with Kate.


Each gender has its pros and cons and to be completely honest, few do conform to the stereotypes of that gender.

The world isnt black and white or plus and minus, but instead degrees of greyness and a mixture of positive and negative. Everyone has faults and everyone has admirable qualities.

Soi my point when I boil it all down - Dont judge genders , judge people (and even then be extremely careful.)


If you cant see that , then I would say that you have some growing up to do.

[12voltman59]

When it comes down to it--people are people irrespective of their genders and you will find those of both genders who are good with relationships, being trustworthy and all of that--and of course those who are not---and when it comes to relationships and how things develop in them---you find the same sorts of things that crop up like power plays, jealousies, insecurities and the like---it really matters not whether you are in a relationship with a person of the same or opposite gender---you will have the same sorts of things you have to deal with---I have had friends in the past who thought it would be so great when they finally had their first "gay" relationship--for both men and women--and they wound up finding that 'the same shit comes up!"

[BiphobiaFighter]

However, I still keep falling in love with women (and they with me) and I am no longer satisfied writing it off and saying "Too bad I'm gay." I think that's a case of identity labels gone bad. They can go from describing a person to something the person tries to cram themselves into even if there are a few hints that it isn't a perfect fit.

But would she constantly be worried that I'd run off with a man?She might be. Some women are and some aren't (I'm not sure about any possible percentage values). The same thing could happen with men worrying about you running off with a woman. The same thing can happen with people worrying you'll run off with a person as the same sex as them too.

Any guys out there who had pigeonholed themselves as gay only to discover bi is more like it?
There are heaps. I don't count myself in the category but I'm sure there will be some great advice coming along from people who experienced what you're experiencing (like the third last paragraph stuff, for example).

Does the label of "queer" feel better than "bi"?

[cutenbi]

I think the answer is obvious, at least to me it is. Do what feels right. Regardless of labels and opinions. If you want to love women, which is what it seems to me, then do it! and enjoy life. It's really short.

[prettyboytomato]

Most women are too much of a hassle, they don't put out nearly enough, they're venomous/spiteful and use things against you, and most men in general don't do this as much as women do.

Haha! That actually sounds like a few of the guys I've been with.


I think that's a case of identity labels gone bad. They can go from describing a person to something the person tries to cram themselves into even if there are a few hints that it isn't a perfect fit.

Does the label of "queer" feel better than "bi"?

I think that hits the nail on the head. I've been trying to conform where I could not.

I'd like to say queer works for me, but I dunno. I'm feeling very wary of labels just now. hehehe.

Thanks to everyone for all the advice and support! This is the first time that I've been able to honestly acknowledge my feelings on this. Some of the articles here and some of the threads and especially your responses in this one are all resonating well with me. When ever I've tried to talk about it with friends, straight or gay, I've always felt like it was as if I was just trying to weasel out of the gay thing. I definitely did not feel like people were taking me seriously.

Thanks again!

[csrakate]

I guess the important thing is that I am true to myself and honest with the people I love.


This statement says it all....it's an admirable quality and one that will serve you well regardless of who you choose to pursue! I wish you the best of luck and I hope you find the happiness you so richly deserve!

Hugs,
Kate

[Delilah]

It all depends on who is asking for them to put out.




...they don't put out nearly enough...

[onewhocares]

To That Kid......


Most women are too much of a hassle, they don't put out nearly enough, they're venomous/spiteful and use things against you, and most men in general don't do this as much as women do.

With comments like this, it is plain to see that you have had the pleasure to be in the company of women who are not as you state. There are many of us....nice, kind. compassionate, loving, lustful, sensual woman who shall take exception to your comments. Perhaps instead of grouping people together under this label....you may wish to get out and meet more women and you will find some of us nice ones out here.

Belle

[**Peg**]

welcome to the site prettyboy (why the tomato? live near St. Thomas do ya? lol)

Your profile stuck a chord with me insofar as Kinsey ratings are concerned. I refrain from using labels to describe discrete (separate) individuals (as opposed to categorizing psychological "types" in DSM IV-R), generalizations and stereotypes, so from now on I shall be identified as "biosexual"... biologically sexual PERIOD.

signed: won't be pigeonholed

Peg

[ThatSubliminalKid]

I'll take what Belle and Kate wrote as good advice since they're really women.

MarieDelta and Delilah don't know what they're talking about because they're not really women.

They're men who've been given silicone, hormones, had voice therapy, and they're surgically altered men and not biological women.

[elian]

Haha! That actually sounds like a few of the guys I've been with.



I think that hits the nail on the head. I've been trying to conform where I could not.



Yeah, I struggle with the same problem - human nature is to try to label, classify and categorize for some people. Just when I think I'm gay I start fantasizing about women, and when I watch women in hetro porn I start to notice the guys. I keep trying to label myself because it would be easier to try and RESOLVE where I fit in, but the harder you try to label - the more nuts you become.

So then I start coming up with more altruistic thoughts like "well, if I love someone it's for more than what is just between their legs" - but that doesn't make it any less confusing when your mind is USED to classifying things.

Unfortunately I tend to think in broad stereotypes about sexuality - I'm not interested in the "gay scene" - I dislike clubs (well, the smoke, etc anyway) and while I am attracted to certain women, I don't feel it's my machismo duty to howl at every women who walks by like a horny construction worker.

Let me put it this way - yeah I do notice those certain women who bind up their breasts so that when you stop to say good morning the damn things are all but pressing against your face - when you say "Hellooo" it echoes down the canyon. I notice the breasts for all of about 7 seconds - but to KEEP my interest there has to be something behind them. Usually there is, most of the ladies I know who are subject to such a gross physical deformity <j/k> lament the idea of unpadded straps on the brassière.

Important to remember that sexuality is only one component of a whole individual..and yes, desire and attraction can be different, and in different ways for male vs. female.

-E

[jeancarleo]

I came out of the closet as bi when I was 21 to my family and since they now know I like guys too they think I'm gay. It doesn't make me feel uncomfortable because I don't care about labels anymore and I just think I'm me and I don't care what others think. I just like to keep it a secret at work because of the drama involved.

I used to think I would feel comfortable in a gay relationship because I feel more comfortable with guys. It's hard for me to find bisexual women. Some gay guys accept me as bi but when I tell them I would like to have an encounter with a girl they get jealous so it's harder to be bisexual. There's different kinds of bisexuals and if that's putting a label on me I would say I wanna be with a guy and a girl but both would have to like boys and girls since i think it's fair to have a girl accepting another guy with me therefore she would want to have a girl and i wouldn't mind at all. I know there's str8 girls who wouldn't mind being in a relationship of 3 but who knows what happens.

My last relationship was with a guy and I thought he was the one and i wouldn't mind being with him the rest of my life but we were far apart so that don't work.

I'm now 29, about to turn 30 in august and I still feel comfortable feeling attracted to both sexes since I was a child.

I guess me feeling more comfortable with guys has to do with the fact that I started having sexual encounters with guys and so since I enjoyed that I thought I was gay but then when I tried sex with a girl I also had a lot of pleasure. So everyone it's different but my goal in love life is to fall in love with a guy and a girl.

Dunno what you think but just be yourself and be happy, don't let others influences or criticism affect you. I say this from experience from family that don't approve me as who I am. They just don't want to accept, but why would u want to live in an unhappy life when u can have both of both worlds :)

[TheDudeAbides85]

I came out of the closet as bi when I was 21 to my family and since they now know I like guys too they think I'm gay. It doesn't make me feel uncomfortable because I don't care about labels anymore and I just think I'm me and I don't care what others think. I just like to keep it a secret at work because of the drama involved.

I used to think I would feel comfortable in a gay relationship because I feel more comfortable with guys. It's hard for me to find bisexual women. Some gay guys accept me as bi but when I tell them I would like to have an encounter with a girl they get jealous so it's harder to be bisexual. There's different kinds of bisexuals and if that's putting a label on me I would say I wanna be with a guy and a girl but both would have to like boys and girls since i think it's fair to have a girl accepting another guy with me therefore she would want to have a girl and i wouldn't mind at all. I know there's str8 girls who wouldn't mind being in a relationship of 3 but who knows what happens.

My last relationship was with a guy and I thought he was the one and i wouldn't mind being with him the rest of my life but we were far apart so that don't work.

I'm now 29, about to turn 30 in august and I still feel comfortable feeling attracted to both sexes since I was a child.

I guess me feeling more comfortable with guys has to do with the fact that I started having sexual encounters with guys and so since I enjoyed that I thought I was gay but then when I tried sex with a girl I also had a lot of pleasure. So everyone it's different but my goal in love life is to fall in love with a guy and a girl.

Dunno what you think but just be yourself and be happy, don't let others influences or criticism affect you. I say this from experience from family that don't approve me as who I am. They just don't want to accept, but why would u want to live in an unhappy life when u can have both of both worlds :)

lmao good luck finding a 3 way or 4 way relationship. It ain't gonna happen.

[jeancarleo]

lmao good luck finding a 3 way or 4 way relationship. It ain't gonna happen.

Thx, but it has happened to others ;) Don't be negative!