Let's Lighten Up - Anybody heard a good joke lately?

[meteast chick]

Not that our heavy hearts are heavy unnecessarily, but for me at least I need to laugh. It's always nice to laugh and smile at what we remember, but let's have a good gaffaw at something new, shall we?

: T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T


I got on an elevator.



When I entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted me with a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'


I smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.'




She looked puzzled and repeated,'T-G-I-F,' more slowly.



I again answered,'S-H-I-T.'



The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, 'T-G-I-F.'




I smiled back to her and once again said,'S-H-I-T.'





The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.
' Get it, duuhhh?'




I answered, ''S-H-I-T' means



Sorry, Honey, it's Thursday'

[still_shy]

LMAO that's a good one

Here is my hubbys favorite joke

Guy walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, an eyepatch and a hook for a hand. The bartender walks up to him and asks"How'd you get the peg leg buddy?" The guy answers, "I was sailin the seven seas during a rough patch. Went overboard and a shark got a hold of me leg."
"Ok," the bartender says, "How'd you get the hook?"
"Well, a couple years later, I was stranded on a deserted island and had to eat me hand"
"Damn that's awful. What about the eye?"
"I was on the ship one day and a damn gull shit in my eye." the guy says
"And you lost it because of that?"
"NO IT WAS THE FIRST DAY WITH ME HOOK"

(I'm not the best joke teller, but you get the point)

[Delilah]

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret, and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.''And what about the third rose?', she asked.'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

[jamieknyc]

The same blonde got on a plane and sat down in a first-class seat, even though she only had a boarding pass for economy. When the flight attendant asked her to move, the responded "I'm an attractive young blonde, and I am going to fly first class all the way to New York."

The flight attendant gets the captain, who gets the same response from the blonde. At that point, the copilot speaks up and says, "My girlfriend is a blonde, let me handle this."

The copilot walks over and whispers something into the blonde's ear. She immediately jumps up, says "Thank you so much," and moves back to economy. The captain asks him what he said, and the copilot responds, "I told her that the first class doesn't go to New York."

[warmpuppy]

Guido visits his Doctor and shocks him by saying, "Doc, I want to be castrated."

The Doctor disbelieving his ears, replies, "OMG!!! You can't be serious. Are you absolutely sure that's what you want to do?"

Guido replies, "Yep. I've thought about it long and hard (no pun intended), and I really want to carry through with the procedure."

The day of surgery arrives. Guido is returned to his semi-private hospital room after the procedure. He notices a guy in the other bed.

"What are you in for?" asked Guido.

"I'm here for a circumcision," replied the other patient.

"THAT'S THE WORD!!!" said Guido.

[warmpuppy]

Sam is with his doctor to receive the results of his annual physical.

"Sam," said the doctor, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that the size of your pecker has doubled since your last physical. The bad news is that it is malignant."

[MissyMissy]

A woman was complaining to her husband that her boobs were too small. So he siad why don't you take some toilet tissue and rub them vigorously with it daily to see if it works. She asked do you think it will work? he said it worked for your butt didn't it?

[Papelucho]

There are two fish in a tank.
One says to the other:
Do you know how to drive this thing?

[HighEnergy]

True Story out of the Mouths of Babes.
We were having pot stickers the other night for dinner. We all loved them and I suggested we serve them at our 4th of July party. My 10 year old wondered why we'd have Chinese food for an American holiday. I asked her what this country was made up of. She looked confused, so I asked her if she knew what "native" americans were, and therefore what were the rest of us, trying to get her to say immigrants. But no, her response in her very dead pan way was, "evil people who stole their land?"

[NWMtnHawk]

The Seven Peeping Dwarfs

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and
announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed.
After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs.
Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on
each other’s shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window.

Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one
who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs
what she was doing. After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's
taking off her blouse!” and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her
blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off,"
"taking off her blouse," etc.

Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off
her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her
skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off
her skirt," etc.

Of course, the next line from Grumpy was, "She's
taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line. Then, "She's
taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.

Finally, Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw
someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!"
And from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too."
"Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."

[NWMtnHawk]

Mathematical Formula

What makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give
over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
Questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented
As:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And,
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

...And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:
A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While, hard work and knowledge will get you close, and, attitude will
get you there, Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top!

[NWMtnHawk]

Recently, I was diagnosed with: A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated
Attention Deficit Disorder.


This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye -- they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
- the car isn't washed
- the bills aren't paid
- there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
- the flowers don't have enough water,
- there is still only 1 check in my check book,
- I can't find the remote,
- I can't find my glasses,
- and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember whom the hell I've sent it to. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

[Daviecurious]

An older man is walking through a mall, looking a bit out of sorts. He walks up to a young woman and says "Do you mind if I talk to you for a few minutes? I can't seem to find my wife."

She is immediatly sympathetic to his plight, and says "Certainly." Trying to be helpful, she asks "Do you remember what store you saw her in last?"

The man replies "It doesn't matter. Any time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she just appears out of nowhere."

[Totallady]

A California Highway Patrol blonde female officer pulls over a mustang late one night because a break light is out, and the driver is a female blonde too.

The blonde driver rolls down her window and say's "Helllloooooooo officer, can I help you?

The officer says, can I see your license please?

The blonde asks.... "uh ummmm, whats it look like?"

The blonde officer says "its rectangle and has your picture on it !!!!

The blonde fumbles through her tiny leather purse and opens her compact, then she shows it to the officer and says "is this it?"

The blonde officer replies, oh, sorry, I didn't know you were CHP.

[Delilah]

Subject: SKINNY DIPPERS

An elderly man in Central Florida had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with
some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grape fruit trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was
built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and
they all went to the deep end to shield themselves. One of the women
shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man
frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral of the story: Old men may
move slow but can still think fast.

[PlacentaJuan]

Here is one that a friend told me.

Michael J. Fox walks into an ice cream shop and orders a single scoop cone. "

What flavor would you like?" asks the vendor.

"Doesn't matter," replies Michael J. Fox "I'm going to drop it anyway."

[scubaman]

Here is one that a friend told me.

Michael J. Fox walks into an ice cream shop and orders a single scoop cone. "

What flavor would you like?" asks the vendor.

"Doesn't matter," replies Michael J. Fox "I'm going to drop it anyway."

Really not funny, why make fun of a person with an condition that has no cure? Grow up!

[kitten]

A brunette, redhead and blonde are applying for a job.
The hiring manager asks each applicant to take a short test. The question is simple: How many D's are the in INDIANA JONES.

The brunette thinks for a second and says, "One."
The redhead thinks for a minute and then says, "One."

The blonde thinks, then counts on her fingers, then asks for a calculator. The manager is confused but waits patiently. Suddenly the blonde says, "I've got it! 32!"
The manager asks, "How did you get 32?"

The blonde replies, "Duh, di, duh, duh...Duh di duh.... duh di duh duh...duh di duh duh duh..."


:bigrin:

[Lateralus]

A guy walks into a bar looking kinda sad about something. When he sits down at the bar, the bartender fixes him his drink and asks him "So what's the problem?" The guy replies "I just found out my son is gay." The bartender, feeling sympathetic says "Well that drink's on the house."

The next day the same guy walks in and he's looking even worse than he did the previous day. When he sits down, the same bartender walks over to him and asks "You're looking even more down today than you did yesterday. What's going on now?". The guy says "I just found out my other son is gay too". The bartender says "Sorry to hear that. Have another drink on me."

The same guy walks in the next day. Now he's just looking like a train wreck. When he sits down at the bar, the bartender walks over to him and jokingly says "damn buddy, is there anyone in your house that likes women?". The guy replys "Yeah, my wife."

[Lateralus]

While walking on the beach, a guy sees a lady in a wheelchair, with no arms or legs, and she's looking lonely. So the guy goes over to her, says hello, and asks her what's wrong. The lady says "I've never been hugged before." The guy, feeling sorry for her, gives her a nice tight hug. While still embracing her, he says in her ear "now you've been hugged". The lady, now feeling comfortable with the guy says "I've never been kissed either". So the guy looks her in the eyes, then gives her the most romantic kiss. He pulls away from her and says "now you've been kissed". The lady, now feeling very confident, gives the guy the most erotic look and says "I've never been fucked before either." So the guy returns her erotic look with his own, and excitedly lifts her out of her wheelchair, carries her to the water, and throws her in. Then the guy shouts to the lady "now you're fucked!"

[Lateralus]

A lady is sitting by her dying husband's bedside. He looks over to her and says "honey, before I die there's some things I have to tell you. I can't have this on my conscience anymore. I want to die in peace." The wife says "sweetie, please save your energy. whatever it is, I forgive y--." The guy cuts her off and says "no. I don't think you understand. I've been cheating on you for years now. And just the other day, I slept with your mother. I just can't take that guilt to the grave with me." The wife, overcome with emotion, grabs her husbands hand, looks him in the eye and says "honey, I already knew. thats why I poisoned you."

[PlacentaJuan]

Really not funny, why make fun of a person with an condition that has no cure? Grow up!

Who said that our jokes have to be PC? Is there some unwritten rule about that here that only you can see and enforce?

I noticed that Lateralus posted jokes that make fun of handicapped people, killing people who cheat, and homophobia yet you said nothing.

Ever seen popular TV shows like Family Guy, Southpark, or the movie Brain Candy? There are tons of jokes about Cancer, HIV, alcoholism/drug addiction, and AIDS.

If you don't like it, don't read the joke I posted, and don't laugh.

[Totallady]

A Texas millionaire is at a Dallas Cowboy game and after four large beers he has to go to the mens room.

Standing at the urinal, he notices a very small man wearing all green and cannot help but notice that his penis is about 12 inches long.

The Texan says Hey there little guy, your a Leprechaun aren't you?

The little guy says " tis right ya' are Laddie"

The Texan asks, is it true you can grant a wish?

The little guys says "sure can" what would you like to wish for?

The Texan says "I'd wish for a penis just like your's"

The little guy replies, ah, I can grant you that wish under one condition.

The Texan says, sure anything !!!

The little guys says, I want you Big Guy !!!

The Texan (shocked) says NO WAY, I ain't no queer !!!

Then, the Texan thinks to himself for a moment and his mind says (ya' know, twenty minutes of grief, and I get a lifetime with a huge penis like his, then turns to the little guy and says.... oh o.k. !!!

They get in to the Texan's El Dorado with the bullhorns on the hood, and drive to a local motel.

Once inside the little guy says, ok Laddie, drop your drawers and on all fours.

Reluctantly the Texan gets down on the floor and the little guy mounts him from behind. After about ten minutes of the Big Guy grunting on the floor, the little guy leans over and grabs the Texan's earlobe and whispers, "how old ya' be Laddie?"

The Texan grunts agghhhhh, 45, why?

The little guy leans over and grabs the Texans other earlobe and whispers...


......"and ya' still believe in Leprechauns ??????

[hudson9]

George's company was suffering a slowdown in business, and George figured that he could only keep one of the three secretaries -- two would have to be laid off. He couldn't decide who to lay off and who to keep, so he devised a little test. On the next payday, he included an extra $100 in each one's pay envelope. One of the ladies opened her envelope, saw the extra $100, quietly closed it, and went home without saying anything. The next secretary opened her envelope, and then announced she was treating the whole office to lunch. After opening her envelope, the third secretary quietly came into George's office, and said "Boss, I think there may have been a mistake in my pay envelope..."

Q: Which secretary did he keep?

A: The one with the biggest tits.

[Totallady]

Two condoms are walking down a San Francisco street and pass a gay bar.

The first condom looks at the second condom and says

"hey, wanna go inside and get shit faced?"

[jamieknyc]

Four gays are sitting in a hot tub. Some semen floats up to the surface. One of them turns to the others and says, "Okay- who farted?"

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

A guy went to his doctor for his annual check-up, and the Doc told him he had to quit masturbating.
The man said "Why!??"
The Doc said, "So I can begin the examination, you silly"

[Lateralus]

Who said that our jokes have to be PC? Is there some unwritten rule about that here that only you can see and enforce?

I noticed that Lateralus posted jokes that make fun of handicapped people, killing people who cheat, and homophobia yet you said nothing.

Ever seen popular TV shows like Family Guy, Southpark, or the movie Brain Candy? There are tons of jokes about Cancer, HIV, alcoholism/drug addiction, and AIDS.

If you don't like it, don't read the joke I posted, and don't laugh.

Hehe..Yeah, I did, didn't I?:bigrin: Here's an oldie but goodie:

Q-What do you call Magic Johnson in a wheelchair?

A- Roll-Aids

[allbimyself]

What does MAGIC stand for?

My Ass Got Infected Coach

[meteast chick]

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrot. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."

[BiJoe696]

G W Bush is sitting at the far end of the bar.

Guy walks in , sees him, ask the bartender if that is Bush.

Bartender says yes, but I wouldn't bother him.

But , after a few drinks Guy walks up to Bush and asks
what are you doing?

Bush says I am planing World War 3. I am going to kill me 150 million Towel Heads and One Big chested blond.

Guy asks why a blond with big titts .

Bush says to the bartender , see, I told you, no one gives a damm about 150 million Towel Heads.

:three:

[GreenEyedLady(GEL)]

Husband and wife are laying in bed and wife says ,

" Omg baby I just let out a silent but deadly , Im so sorry "

Husband says " I think its time you replaced the batteries in your hearing aide "