Am I being selfish?

[Mrs.F]

As most of you know, I am a straight wife of a bisexual man. I'm totally fine with him being bi and I support him fully. We met a man near us together and got to know him, I did that to help him feel more at ease but when the sex part finally arrived I didn't want to be there. I have no real desire to join or have a 3some but I don't want to hold him up either in pursuing a friend w/benefits. Here's the problem. While I want him to meet that someone special and be able to be with him whenever, he wants me to always be there with him, whether it's meeting to eat or meeting for sex, he feels more comfortable if I'm there. I know that I feel more comfortable if I'm not there. I've asked him if he wants me there because he feels so guilty and he replies "maybe". I don't want him to feel that way because he has nothing to feel guilty about. I accept it, I know about it and I approve. I'm happy for him but I just don't want to always be involved.
Am I being selfish about this?

And btw-I very much enjoy m/m sex, so it's not that!

[vittoria]

Maybe he just wants you to be a part of his life... after all, you are his wife! :)

Perhaps to show you that he has nothing to hide. Or even to make sure there wont be a case of "you're cheating on me with your bi boyfriend!"

Even better yet, to ensure/assure your approval. A live "performance", especially if you dont have a problem with m/m sex :) Besides, as bf and i say, the couple that plays together stays together !

Just my :2cents:

V

[csrakate]

I agree that it is nice that he wants you to be a part of it, but I am also sure he would never insist on you doing anything that makes you uncomfortable. For you to "give in" and do so would be a big mistake for all concerned. It really hasn't been all that long since you've made this discovery and you've come a very long way in a very short period of time. Take your time....keep talking about it....allow the both of you to share your wants, needs AND fears. I am sure that given time, you will find a situation that is mutually satisfying to you both. So NO...you are not being selfish....you are being honest.

Hugs,
Kate

[diB4u]

I agree with the ladies....

IT is a good thing, a very good thing, that he does want you to be around when he has "friends with benefits". Some married people, sleep around, behind their wives/husbands back which is well up to the individual but personally been there done that and its wrong.

(Not that i was cheating, but cheated on and by no means married just with someone)

I guess the most important thing is to talk to your husband and find some form of compromise... Maybe you could stay for a bit, and then quietly leave him to it- so to speak.

Exactly you are being honest and no way being selfish.

[Cogent]

You are not being selfish.

You have a right you to comfort zone in intimacy. Just as you wouldn't force him to do or participate in something he did not want.. he should not make the demand of you...

However.... marriage is give and take... you have to decide whether this is something you want to give on occasion... bearing in mind that he might not stop where you want to stop and he might pressure you for more and more.

That pressure isn't right.

[Flounder1967]

I just want to put in my side.

I want her to be ther when I first meet someone, for one simple reason. I'm extremely shy/nervous. I can never carry a conversion on with anyone live. I do better online then any where. I don't even like talking on the phone. It's just me. E-mails are usely one or two lines. I'm direct and don't do fluffly stuff. She is my secureity blanket of sorts. I call myself a social moron. I know self deporfacing humor, but it works for me.

By the why I'm her hubby.

[shameless agitator]

I just want to put in my side.

I want her to be ther when I first meet someone, for one simple reason. I'm extremely shy/nervous. I can never carry a conversion on with anyone live. I do better online then any where. I don't even like talking on the phone. It's just me. E-mails are usely one or two lines. I'm direct and don't do fluffly stuff. She is my secureity blanket of sorts. I call myself a social moron. I know self deporfacing humor, but it works for me.

By the why I'm her hubby.Now I'm confused. From the original post, it seemed you wanted her there during the sexual encounters, but this sounds like you just want her to come along while you're getting to know somebody. Personally, I would be more willing to accommodate the latter than the former. Either way, I think Mrs. F has every right to refuse to do something she's not comfortable with, but if he just wants you to be there to ease social situations, would it kill you to do so?

[onewhocares]

I am not thinking that you are selfish at all. Not all wives want to participate with their husbands. Perhaps you and are alike in that we are the outgoing conversationalist and our husbands while nice men, have a bit of difficulty in communicating with others. If he gets to know a gentleman, then may be he will find your presence less needed.

Belle

[Mrs.F]

Take acting classes or public speaking or get your ass into therapy.

Wow....another one "banned". Seems to be a weekly ocurrence around here anymore.


No, it would not kill me to go with him to meet these guys. However, like he stated, I'm the security blanket, I'm the one that starts the socializing and pretty soon it ends up that I'm doing most the questions and communicating and then it's like the relationship that HE and this man were to have becomes one between the guy and ME! If I'm not there....I'm afraid he will get nowhere and the guy will give up before he really get's to know Flounder. To anyone on here who know's my husband and has talked to him via chat or yahoo knows exactly what I'm talking about. I guess I just want him to go out and make his own friends. Maybe I'm just being a bitch! Why must life be so damn hard. :rolleyes::(

[shameless agitator]

I see where you're coming from. I know my ex introduced me to a couple of her friends & having her around the first time or 2 was nice for breaking the tension, but after that it was better for all concerned to keep the relationships separate. Maybe you could go with him the <i>first</i> time he meets with somebody and make it just a quick coffee or something & then leave teh rest up to him. BTW a lot of spouses would insist on monogamy, so the fact that you're even allowing let alone encouraging him to explore this side of himself means you're definitely <b>not</b> being selfish or a bitch.

[orpheus_lost]

Personally, I'd say that Flounder has found an incredible wife and he needs to appreciate that.

Mrs. F, you've gone the extra mile in supporting your husband in something that is important to him. You've done your job here.

Flounder, you've gotten a green light and now you're telling your wife to get out and push the car for you. That's not right. If she can be as giving and loving as she's been to support you then you need to be loving and supportive to her as well. Just because she loves you enough to let you do this doesn't mean that she wants to see it happen. She's willing to let you find this part of yourself but it's not a part of her. You really need to swallow your anxieties and do this on your own. Don't ruin a good thing with unreasonable demands.

I hope neither of you take offense but you did post on a public board so I thought I'd give the best advice I could.

[FerociousFeline]

Wow....another one "banned". Seems to be a weekly ocurrence around here anymore.


No, it would not kill me to go with him to meet these guys. However, like he stated, I'm the security blanket, I'm the one that starts the socializing and pretty soon it ends up that I'm doing most the questions and communicating and then it's like the relationship that HE and this man were to have becomes one between the guy and ME! If I'm not there....I'm afraid he will get nowhere and the guy will give up before he really get's to know Flounder. To anyone on here who know's my husband and has talked to him via chat or yahoo knows exactly what I'm talking about. I guess I just want him to go out and make his own friends. Maybe I'm just being a bitch! Why must life be so damn hard. :rolleyes::(

No hon, your instincts are right on target.

This bisexual desire that he has is something that HE needs to come to grips with. It is something which is an aspect of his personality or soul which he obviously feels the need to express/and or/experience. It is understandable that he should desire to have you participate in his experience, because then he can feel like he has not abandoned you in the process of attempting to explore aspects of himself. But there are many possibilities as to why he feels the need to have you there, BEYOND this. For example, it might prove useful to discuss with him if your being present is part of the fantasy? Are you genuinely the "security blanket" or is there another reason for his impulse to have you present?

If you find that he wants you to be present really be a "security blanket" I would let him know that this is a part of himself that he needs to explore PRIMARILY on his own. After he becomes comfortable with himself AFTER having had experience, then it might be something that yall can discuss or talk about further. If he is unwilling to go forward with the experience in your absence, then it is entirely possible that the impulse that he is experiencing is not focused on being with a male, but may actually be something more to do with you and his relationship TO you. So, your instinct to send him off to do this on his own may or may not be self serving, but that part of this equation is immaterial at this point in the game. The main point is that he needs to (in my humble opinion) DO the "flip" on his own and see if the reality of the experience is as desirable to him as the fantasy is.

This is, after all, ALL ABOUT HIM....and NOT.....About you. (I know you know this, just make sure that he understands it)

If he feels significant resistance to this, he might be better off spending time with you and a feeldoe.



(whoops! Sorry Flounder didn't mean to speak of you like you weren't right here, my mistake. But the message remains the same. You need to DEVELOP this side of yourself if that's what you want. If not, there are many other extremely gratifying alternatives.)
Hope this helps,

FF

[Bluebiyou]

FLOUNDER!
You have every right and are clearly honoring your wife by asking her to come.
MRS F!
You have every right and it is completely understandable if you say 'no'.

FLOUNDER!
If you try to manipulate MRS F into coming... that is not honoring her... a serious no-no.

MRS F!
If you shame FLOUNDER for his asking or persuit... that is not honoring him.

I really see healthy stuff here. The very fact this discussion is happening... reflects greatly upon both of you... and how wonderful you both are... (imperfect like the rest of us - but extremely healthily wonderful)

:)
Blue

[csrakate]

Wow....another one "banned". Seems to be a weekly ocurrence around here anymore.


No, it would not kill me to go with him to meet these guys. However, like he stated, I'm the security blanket, I'm the one that starts the socializing and pretty soon it ends up that I'm doing most the questions and communicating and then it's like the relationship that HE and this man were to have becomes one between the guy and ME! If I'm not there....I'm afraid he will get nowhere and the guy will give up before he really get's to know Flounder. To anyone on here who know's my husband and has talked to him via chat or yahoo knows exactly what I'm talking about. I guess I just want him to go out and make his own friends. Maybe I'm just being a bitch! Why must life be so damn hard. :rolleyes::(

Ohhhh sweetie....time to cut the cord and let him walk on his own!! You two are so cute...but he's a bit too needy in this area and it's really asking too much of you to facilitate his encounters! It's one thing to support the spouse, but a far different thing to be his pimp! LOL! You've given him the green light...you've given him your love and support....but HE needs to develop these things on his own...it shouldn't have to be up to you to make the encounters more comfortable for all concerned, especially when it makes YOU uncomfortable. You said it all in one line..."I guess I just want him to go out and make his own friends." If you continue to help him, he'll NEVER do that.

Hugs,
Kate

[**Peg**]

so many intelligent and unique comments in this thread, a credit to y'all.... now doesn't that sound TOO ludicrous coming from a northerner who's never been to the Southern US? "y'all"...

*regroups* ...;) ok: a credit to you bunch ( a Newfie term)... I HAVE been there hehe.

[canuckotter]

Hi Mrs F and Flounder! (Look at me, I'm delurking! :bigrin: )

IMO... Mrs F, I think you're in the right. Don't get me wrong, Flounder, I can totally understand... I'm rather shy myself, and intensely socially awkward most of the time. I find it very threatening to have to go off and meet new people. But around the start of grade 12, I realised that my fear of new people was keeping me from making new friends, and I was tired of being lonely and outcast. I hate the thought of letting fear control my life, so I forced myself to go out and try to meet people and learn all those little social skills that other people seem to take for granted... And yes, there were plenty of awkward moments and goofups. :oh: But I learned a couple things along the way... First: If you're honestly making an effort, most people -- and certainly anyone worth your time getting to know -- are quite willing to overlook a little social awkwardness. And second: Even though I'm still terrified of meeting new people, I know now that the awkwardness and fear go away really quickly... Knowing that it's only going to last a short time at the start of any relationship makes it a LOT easier to push that fear to the side. (Generally within an hour of meeting someone, if I've been able to have a decent conversation with them without too many interruptions, things really smooth out and get fun.)

So... Honestly, I'd say that Mrs F's instincts are right. It's one thing to have her there as a security blanket, but that's not even what's happening. You're using her as a surrogate to take your place. It can be weird and scary and feel awkward as hell, but I think you're probably both better off if you try to go it alone.

[Bluebiyou]

Dependancy? Immaturatity? Insecurity? Selfishness?
Of course they're here to some degree. It's obvious. But such issues will arrise in any relationship. I've yet to have a relationship that doesn't possess some mixture of these (and others).
I strongly suspect there are more points to this issue than have been stated (sorry Flounder, your skills at presenting an argument aren't very good, I'll never hire you as my lawyer! :) )... but perhaps I'm projecting myself into this situation when I look at it.

The good stuff I see here is:
.....Innocence/naievity. Oh yeah, there's some manipulation going on here, but low level stuff (yes, it's true there shouldn't be any). On the other end of the spectrum is behavior like tree5555, recent flexisexual, firstnamemx. Good God, talk about twisted and manipulative. The only love that guy will ever get is what he manipulatively extracts, which is none - as we know love is only a free gift. Brrrrrrr (gives me the shivers)! He's a real candidate for the dark side.
.....Selfishness, enough for each to take care of them self, yet not so much as to ignore the other. In other words, not so little selfishness that either is being doormat for other and not so much that either disregards the other's needs.
.....Commuication. Coming to this 'village' (pardon the Clinton ref) to put this problem up for discussion.
.....And finally love. This would not be an issue if they didn't love each other.

So, however you resolve this issue, Flounder and Mrs. F, good for you! I think you're both wonderful.

[mannysg]

HHmm.... A curious dilemma you two have. :)

First, Ms. F. you are NOT being selfish OR a bitch. You have every right to want him to be on his own in his quest. I'd love to have a wife as supportive as you in my quest to explore my bisexuality. If you don't want to be there, for whatever reason, then refusing to go with him is NOT bitchy or selfish.

Flounder, I can see your side as well. You said she is your security blanket. I can understand you wanting her there for support to overcome your shyness. Asking her to go with you is OK, but insisting on it isn't. This is your journey in exploring your sexuality and she is already supporting you in many ways.

IMHO, it may be possible for the 2 of you to come up with some sort of compromise. Perhaps her going with you on the first meeting, or maybe her talking with the other guy before the first meeting, explaining Flounder's shyness and perhaps paving the way for the other guy to take the lead when he & Flounder meet. Of course, there are other possible compromises, but these are the 2 that popped into my head as possibilities.

Good luck to both of you!!

[Fambi53]

As most of you know, I am a straight wife of a bisexual man. I'm totally fine with him being bi and I support him fully. We met a man near us together and got to know him, I did that to help him feel more at ease but when the sex part finally arrived I didn't want to be there.
Am I being selfish about this?


Mrs. F. I hope you are getting the answers that will help you come to peace with this specific issue. A brief personal experience: my hub has a friend who comes to visit, nice person, they have a bi relationship and I socialize but have no desire to be a part of their intimate relationship. Two people best explore that area, if not that, then the dynamics change so drastically it will no longer is a bi-relationship. I support and adore my hub, which I do at times from a distance. Some of his partners I have met some I have not. We are both bisexuals and have enjoyed bi-couple exchanges. Yet, I respect, if only one partner is bi, the awkwardness of being “there” would not be something I would want to experience.

Fambi5:cool::girl::kiss:

[Mrs.F]

Mrs. F. I hope you are getting the answers that will help you come to peace with this specific issue. A brief personal experience: my hub has a friend who comes to visit, nice person, they have a bi relationship and I socialize but have no desire to be a part of their intimate relationship. Two people best explore that area, if not that, then the dynamics change so drastically it will no longer is a bi-relationship. I support and adore my hub, which I do at times from a distance. Some of his partners I have met some I have not. We are both bisexuals and have enjoyed bi-couple exchanges. Yet, I respect, if only one partner is bi, the awkwardness of being “there” would not be something I would want to experience.

Fambi5:cool::girl::kiss:

Thank you....that is exactly what I was getting at. I don't have a problem with being friends with whoever at all, BUT, I do not always want to be a part of it. This is something he wants and needs and if I accept it, then he should have no problems with doing things on his own. Thank you, thank you, thank you! :bigrin::grouphug::kiss:

[Mrs.F]

Ohhhh sweetie....time to cut the cord and let him walk on his own!! You two are so cute...but he's a bit too needy in this area and it's really asking too much of you to facilitate his encounters! It's one thing to support the spouse, but a far different thing to be his pimp! LOL! You've given him the green light...you've given him your love and support....but HE needs to develop these things on his own...it shouldn't have to be up to you to make the encounters more comfortable for all concerned, especially when it makes YOU uncomfortable. You said it all in one line..."I guess I just want him to go out and make his own friends." If you continue to help him, he'll NEVER do that.

Hugs,
Kate

LMAO-The cord is cut........................:bigrin:

[onewhocares]

I can sort of tend to agree with Kate...that if we as wives always do for our husbands, as I have in the past, there could be times when they will not be able to go out on their own...they have to fly...WE have to let them.

Belle

[the sacred night]

I think that you are bein selfish.

You're married and he wants ya there for support and ya could stay and just watch your husband get fucked or swallow some cum and be a good wifey.

Maybe an open marriage/open relationship isn't for you?

"Be a good wifey"? Are you fucking kidding me?

[markvmen]

It's all up to them - they just have to communicate - if he gets to step out, there is no reason that she can't either...

[Fissure200]

Before I finished reading the post I realized that your husband doesn't want to feel like hes cheating on you. Even if you are really cool with it he's getting the impression that you not. A thorny problem but at least he cares :)