WHY SOME DO NOT COME OUT

[Whippersnap]

I have been reading the varied subjects of the FORUM and have found the responces to be well written and some of the questions interesting, especially about "who is out and to whom" and what the reactions of who people informed.

Nobody mentioned that one reason some people do not come out is the geographical location where they reside. Some areas (communities) just do not accept anyone but married with children into their little societies.

Occupations like the Military. A friend of mine in the Corps was dishonorably discharged when he was caught going into a gay club where they had a female impercination show. He had to admitt that he was "bi." He was dishonorably discharged and it nearly killed him and ruined his marriage and family life and any chance for a good occupation, and he loved the military life.

In the consruction field there are some, a few, morons and homophobes who would think nothing of seeing a "gay" or "bi" injured or even killed due to a "industrial accident."

Any one who wears a badge has to think a dozen times if he is willing to risk his career, well being and/or his live if he is to come "out" or is "outed."

These thing should not happen in todays society but it does. I was in each of these occupations and had to repress so many feelings until I met my wife, who I informed that I was "bi" years before we married and she has been understanding and very supportive when the frustrations come to the surface.

I do hope this helps people understand another side to this complex subject.

[arana]

Thank you for your post Whippersnapper! A lot of people don't realize it's not always so easy to be "yourself" in society. Many have to think of self preservation and the well being of their families first and foremost. There still are far too many that wish harm onto others for no reason other than hate and ignorance which is very sad in this day and age.

[bigregory]

It has come up before,earlier posts.
Small town redneck like me needs to watch myself.
Killed for it. I dont think is as bad as 20 years ago.
But getting no work in town can kill you in a diffrent way.
I fight back by having gay and lesbian customers(no bi ones yet)
Its sad not to be able to not have the option of coming out,some
of us just got to bite the bullet...

[Ansil III]

i have not yet come out, nor do i have any intentions to do so in the near future. the society in which i live is very conservative, and although there is a growing level of tolerance, i must remain ever vigilant about my sexuality and interactions with others. my family life and career depends on it. however, i don't think that it is necessary for someone to wear his/her sexuality on their sleeve. just be yourself and be comfortable in your own domain.

[JohnnyV]

Remember that coming out is a question of degree. When you come out, you aren't announcing it to the entire world. You can be out to some, but not all, a cherished few, or everyone you meet including the person ahead of you in line at the supermarket -- it's a highly individual choice.

On gay.com, which I check out from time to time, you'll find that members are much more judgmental about whether you're out or not. I resist that kind of strictness. In my opinion, too many young people come out as gay and lock themselves into a lifestyle that might not be right for them. Sometimes they are bi but once they announce themselves as gay, they never have the chance to date women so they never develop that side of their lives. In some cases, gay people who come out at the age of 19 spend 20 years or more in 2-3 week relationships and never find one person to trust and cherish, even though that is indeed what they are looking for. When I've asked them why they don't just try dating women, they react with disbelief and horror; the label means so much to them that they are willing to sacrifice half their lives searching for an elusive thing that their chosen lifestyle dictates as the ultimate goal in life. Many of them would be happier if they WEREN'T so damn public and upfront about their sexuality all the time, because then they'd be more flexible about defining what their sexuality is.

So in some ways, living in a highly conservative environment might help a bisexual man avoid the pitfall of becoming a full-on, card-carrying, party-line "gay" man too soon. If you're in New York City or Miami, the large gay communities demand a lot from you the minute you start poking around. At least in Pocatello, Idaho, or Longhorn Bluff, Wyoming, the secrecy imposed on you forces you to spend longer and more careful time deciding what is really right for you.

J

[Lisa (va)]

I remember the thread Drew started on being 'out'.

Seems that mainly men responded to this thread, and had me wondering if gender plays a part in willingness to come out in our somewhat backwards society that is suppose to promote freedom of choice.

I prefer to be 'open' rather than 'out': I carry no banners shouting to the world. I'm still not sure where exactly I fit in with the labeling system. Am I bi or not? A couple years ago if you asked I would probably say I fit more in to the Lesbian category, today I live in a heterosexual relationship, although if you ask I will say I'm bi simply because I have had relationships with women before. But bottom line, for me at least, a persons gender is secondaryto the whole person - one can't help who they love.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[Ooohiknow]

I agree with the train of thought here; there are so many different circumstances for whether people will/will not/ can/ cannot come out. It is not always such a clear cut issue.
There are people who don't care what others think and thats good for them, there are others that would die if others knew! There are people that would be supportive and those who would be complete assholes.
I guess it all depends on the individual and what they believe is best for them :)

[badkittyamy]

I was trying to explain to someone last night why i won;t come out, at least not while I'm her in The Bahamas. It is simply not accepted, and it's not like these are bad people they simply believe it's wrong, it's been engrained in them for generations, we have a 95% black population that's baptist and believes that it's caused by evil spirits. So what cna you do? I'm out while at school in america, just not here at home

[OralBradley]

:bipride: :male: At least in my own case it was years of confusion and ignorance about sex in general. I was picked up by an older (at least to me at the time) man and sucked of in a stall in a public bathroom in 1942 when I was 13, yet when I went into the Army four years later I ha no idea what
"homosexual" activity meant! I finally learned in Army sex education classes the it wasn't necessary for repeated loads of semen to "build" a growing fetus. All I knew is that a mouth felt good on my cick, and I wanted to come as often as possible.
Almost 30 years later when my first wife and I were divorcing, and I was visiting the gay baths in SF, I was told by both a psychologyst and the gay "help" line that I wan't real. The pisscologyst said that is was a passing phase, and the hot line claimed I I was merely using gay men.
I had gotten married because that was what I "should" do and later had children becuase that was what we "should" do. Finally I quit "shoulding" all over myself and simply enjoyed what is.

[bigrizz10]

Ive told a couple of people but can not tell more because of my work environment. My ex knew, but thats why she wanted to get to know me. Its harder i think for bi men to come out because society thinks differently about us. Its hard because I would love to meet someone but an=m scared to to found out in the community and work.