Figuring out guys

[sometimesitbethatway]

I am wondering if there are certain ways to tell if a gay might be gay or bi? Sometimes I just get the feeling from random guys in passing, even if they are with a chick. But then I was always scared I would get found out if I had wandering eyes when I was out with my gf/wife.
Sometimes I repeatedly see the same guy and it's always an out-of-the-corner-of-the-eye glance back and forth. Does this mean anything? Maybe he's intimidated by me or just think I seem like a cool guy to know? Or maybe 100% straight guys do not corner-eye glance at other guys?
Anyone with more experience with this have some pointers??

[DiamondDog]

Cruising is an art that can't be taught.
Same with gay/bidar.

Some people are good at one or the other, some don't know how to do either, and some people like me are excellent at both.

I knew about both long before I had a word for them and long before I actively knew that I was cruising men or that I just knew that a man is bi/gay without them telling me.

I've had it happen in all sorts of places and even in hetero environments and even from total closet cases who I stay the fuck away from, or who do it and then once I say thanks or begin to talk to them they run away! I've also cruised men in bars and we'll pick up on each other and buy each other drinks. I've even done this off of the reflection of mirrors and I've been hit on in hetero bars and been cruised on by closeted bi/gay men who say that they're "straight" yet somehow want sex with me and I just say no thanks.

As far as the out of the corner eye glance goes that doesn't always mean that the person is cruising you. You said you were with your wife and I am not flaming you or saying that you're ugly at all; but I do know that my hetero male friends will look at the woman and the man of a couple and say things about the apperance of both people, the social class of both people, if both people are attractive or if one is nasty, the age of both people, or they'll look at the guy and then think "Damn! Why is she with him?" or things like that.

As far as what happened with that guy you wrote about it could be that he was intimidated by you or that he was jealous of you or that he was doing what my het male friends do as I wrote about above.

I like to look at people and I've done that to people who I've met thinking that they were someone who I know and then I discovered that I didn't know them at all. Or if it's someone who I see frequently in public, or we've made small talk in public before I'll make eye contact and won't talk since we know that we've seen each other before and verbal communication isn't needed.

Some people like me will make eye contact when they communicate or I'll like to look at people's eyes/faces or what they're wearing and this can be mistaken as cruising on my part when that's not my intention at all.

Also, hetero guys will notice that they're being checked out and just because someone does make eye contact or glances at you it doesn't mean that they're cruising you. It could make them really angry, especially if it's a het male. Most het men hate to be cruised and it's like how most women don't like being hit on by random men/their male friends/etc.

Even if someone is gay/bi that doesn't mean that they enjoy being cruised, are receptive to it, or even want it. I've had people cruise me and I'll ignore them since it's intrusive, I don't always want it, and I'm not always into talking to strangers when I just want to hang out with friends or when I'm going about my business.

Also like Tom said, a lot of people are weird about expressing emotions, so be careful, and if there's alcohol involved barriers in communication go down and agression goes up! Also keep in mind sometimes people are just being nice or they're noticing you in a completely non sexual way as you as you walk by or speak to them, and they're just communicating with you and nothing more.

[Bluebiyou]

Pointers?
You're in a culture that still - very reluctantly - only rarely accepts any form of homosexuality. A culture that peaks in North Charleston in murder rate (although that has more to do with drugs).
Approach the fellow in a neutral, yet somewhat discrete manner. His manner should speak volumes. But watch him for clues, sudden John Wayne syndrone indicates either the conversation is no longer private or he is in deep conflict with his own feelings.
Good luck.

[sometimesitbethatway]

yeah this whole topic I think got blown more out of proportion than I meant it to. I'm not really looking to cruise anyone or confront anyone. I am just curious of how to read people better I guess. I'm not exactly "out" because in all honestly the way I feel is sort of confusing (as bisexuality it self seems to be for a lot of people).
I want to be with a woman in all reality and I'm not a closet case, I've come to accept that I am attracted to men, but it really goes no further than that. I really don't know if it's any further than some masturbatory release or something. I don't feel the urge or need to actually hook up with a guy... yeah, it's very confusing.
I am not even with my wife anymore, but that's for other reasons that has nothing to do with my being bi or curious.
When I said I was with my wife, I never really meant guys were looking at me or us, I meant I was scared if I was doing the looking that she would notice and eventually start asking questions...

I guess it just seems weird to me how people are.... they act all homo-phobic angry macho and all but then they are side-eye glancing at guys walking by time and again. I guess it's just sizing people up....? .... anyways thanks for the advice or hints.

You're right, bluebiyou, this culture isnt very eager to accept any aspects of homosexuality, which is why I am in no hurry to run make an announcement about feelings I have that don't plan on acting on..

[MarieDelta]

One good clue.

Someone maintains eye contact, and are smiling.

Other clues, dress, appearance all meticulate, clean and neat.

Which isn't to say that these always follow, either way.

[DiamondDog]

sometimesitbethatway-Just wondering, what don't you plan on acting on when it comes to men, and why?

PM me if you don't want to write it here.

[bisexualinsocal]

Gaydar. Some have it, some don't.

[sometimesitbethatway]

sometimesitbethatway-Just wondering, what don't you plan on acting on when it comes to men, and why?

PM me if you don't want to write it here.

I don't know. I am really new to all of this and accepting this about myself. I've always been with women, and I know I want to be with a woman and settle down and have children with a woman, be romantic with a woman, etc. But in the back of my mind for years I've always found men attractive too and it's a masturbatory thing a lot, but I don't think I would be physical ever.
I am not the type of person to rule anything out, but I just don't see it happening, yet it may one day, who knows?
I just accept myself as bisexual now because I realize I have the ability to find both women and men attractive in various ways.
I don't know if how I feel towards men is simply a fantasy thing or something I would pursue....
So that's why I am in no hurry to be "out" because if I'm not going to be active, and it's only in my head, whats the point? aside from telling close friends, which is what ive done and am currently doing now.

The whole thing is very confusing but after looking on various forums, including this one, I find that I am not alone, that there are tons of guys in my same situation....

[artemio]

hello, this is artemio it might be confusing some times that you are not aware of the changes in you... the point you know how to get through it....

[mrplayfuluk]

The whole thing is very confusing but after looking on various forums, including this one, I find that I am not alone, that there are tons of guys in my same situation....

out of curiosity (and we're all good at that on here!) what other forums have you checked out? I'm a bit like you myself so this is an interesting thread to me...

[DiamondDog]

I don't know. I am really new to all of this and accepting this about myself. I've always been with women, and I know I want to be with a woman and settle down and have children with a woman, be romantic with a woman, etc. But in the back of my mind for years I've always found men attractive too and it's a masturbatory thing a lot, but I don't think I would be physical ever.
I am not the type of person to rule anything out, but I just don't see it happening, yet it may one day, who knows?
I just accept myself as bisexual now because I realize I have the ability to find both women and men attractive in various ways.
I don't know if how I feel towards men is simply a fantasy thing or something I would pursue....
So that's why I am in no hurry to be "out" because if I'm not going to be active, and it's only in my head, whats the point? aside from telling close friends, which is what ive done and am currently doing now.

The whole thing is very confusing but after looking on various forums, including this one, I find that I am not alone, that there are tons of guys in my same situation....

What are the ways in which You find men and women attractive? Why is the whole thing confusing? Did being with women ever gross you out at all or it wasn't a turn on?

[sometimesitbethatway]

out of curiosity (and we're all good at that on here!) what other forums have you checked out? I'm a bit like you myself so this is an interesting thread to me...

well initially I joined one called theforumsite.com which is a general forum that just happens to have a bisexual section... its basically for 16 year olds so I didnt stay there long. When I searched the first time all I found was this gay site called justusboys.com and it has a bi section, there I read a lot of stuff with guys who have similar scenarios to my own. then out of curiosity i typed in bisexual.com and found this forum.


What are the ways in which You find men and women attractive? Why is the whole thing confusing? Did being with women ever gross you out at all or it wasn't a turn on?

Well, its like this. I love being with women. I find them physically attractive but it tends to be more selective or I am looking for fine-tuned qualities. I like physically being with a woman and I am more about pleasing her than worrying about myself and I def love the pussy-play. I love the whole romantic connection and everything. I want to one day be able to create a life with someone that is mine and theirs together.
Now with guys, I don't ever get a sense of the romantic connection type stuff, nor does the idea of that really appeal to me. I can look at guys and find them physically attractive and I can look at porn and get off to it, but in the end I want to go back to my gf or wife... so it's confusing.
So for a long time I chalked it up to I was either jealous or envious of other guys... but I came to terms with it, it's more than that. I think a lot of people would consider me "curious" but I'm not curious about anything. I know what I like and I know what I want. I accept that I find men and women attractive. So I am comfortable calling myself bisexual. Even if there's never any intent on being physically active with another man. (once again something I would never rule out if it came down to something I really felt like doing)
Doesn't it seem confusing?

[DiamondDog]

well initially I joined one called theforumsite.com which is a general forum that just happens to have a bisexual section... its basically for 16 year olds so I didnt stay there long. When I searched the first time all I found was this gay site called justusboys.com and it has a bi section, there I read a lot of stuff with guys who have similar scenarios to my own. then out of curiosity i typed in bisexual.com and found this forum.



Well, its like this. I love being with women. I find them physically attractive but it tends to be more selective or I am looking for fine-tuned qualities. I like physically being with a woman and I am more about pleasing her than worrying about myself and I def love the pussy-play. I love the whole romantic connection and everything. I want to one day be able to create a life with someone that is mine and theirs together.
Now with guys, I don't ever get a sense of the romantic connection type stuff, nor does the idea of that really appeal to me. I can look at guys and find them physically attractive and I can look at porn and get off to it, but in the end I want to go back to my gf or wife... so it's confusing.
So for a long time I chalked it up to I was either jealous or envious of other guys... but I came to terms with it, it's more than that. I think a lot of people would consider me "curious" but I'm not curious about anything. I know what I like and I know what I want. I accept that I find men and women attractive. So I am comfortable calling myself bisexual. Even if there's never any intent on being physically active with another man. (once again something I would never rule out if it came down to something I really felt like doing)
Doesn't it seem confusing?

Nope that doesn't seem confusing.

I like to sleep with women from time to time, or do BDSM with women at times, or I'd like to have a MMF 3 way with myself and a male lover and just some woman who we don't have a relationship with at all. But I wouldn't do well in a live in relationship with a woman and I do know that a closed/monogamous relationship with myself and a woman probably wouldn't work out but when I have a relationship with a guy I'm mainly focused on him and the relationship that we have together.

I could have an open relationship with a woman but most women don't want that and I know that even if she was cool with MMF 3 ways, me having sex with men, very into bondage/SM as the polar opposite of me (I'm more dominant for SM and more of a bottom for bondage without discipline, and I'm a mostly dominant switch), into vaginal fisting, more into getting dominant oral sex than getting fucked, and even if she did convincing/passable butch drag it wouldn't be the same as being with a biological male and living with and having a romantic relationship with a guy, or even being with a real guy and I'd probably just think back to former male lovers and wonder why I settled for an imitation or I'd possibly just end it all and have a relationship with a guy again.

I'd gladly have relationships with pre/post op Transmen but that's different.

Then there are fetishes that I have that only other biological men will understand, want to actually do, and be into also. No, I'm not talking about scat or vomit or anything like that since I'm not into those things. I'll PM you if you really want to know.

Sometimes I'll be pretty equal and want both genders at the same time and other times I'll be so into men that I find pussy to be nasty and I'm not sexually attracted to women at all then. I have lots of bi male friends who are the same way.

All I'm going to say is, never say never.

When I was a lot younger in highschool I was like you are now and more into women but even then I knew if I were to marry a woman back then I would have cheated on her with men, wound up in a nasty divorce, or just eventually left her for a guy.

You might as well have sex with a guy to see how you like it and IMO it's an amazing thing and while I like sex with women I prefer men's bodies and I know that I highly prefer masturbating a man's hard penis while masturbating a woman's clit doesn't really do anything for me.

The first time I was with a guy as an adult (I had been with guys as a kid but this wasn't rape/molestation/forced and I hear it doesn't count at all) it was the most amazing thing ever and this void that had been inside me had been filled and there was no awkwardness about what not to do and the sex was amazing and mindblowing.

I relate to men on many other levels besides sexually that I don't really always relate to with women.

I can relate to women on a human level but it's not like I have a biological woman's body and I don't know what it's like to have a g-spot orgasm vs. a clit orgasm, what it's like to menstrate, or any of the other things that biological men have no idea what it's like to be able to have a body that can do this.

You also might as well try it since you don't want to look back when you're old and think "I really wish I'd tried sex with a guy when I was younger, just once....". I have male friends who say that about sex with women.

Also just because you have sex with a guy it doesn't mean that you have to have anal sex with him. It could just be something as simple as making out and masturbating with him, rubbing and making out, BDSM, giving him oral sex, or getting oral sex.

:2cents:

[sometimesitbethatway]

yes, that's how I am. If it comes to a point where I feel the need to, I will. Glad you mentioned it doesn't have to be anal b/c that doesn't fly in my book and I'm not knocking it, It's just not for me, not with a woman either.

And I try not to say never. Cause you never know....
I am sort of at this point where I am figuring myself out and my boundaries. I want to be more comfortable with myself and be able to talk to my close friends about this more before I make another move. I have already thought that I should try something just to know what it's like or so that I won't regret anything in my life.

You say you knew that if you settled down with a woman, you knew that you would eventually wind up leaving her for a man. See, I don't feel this way. I am always content with who I am with. I was with my wife for 7 years and never thought of leaving her for another woman or a man. If the opportunity had ever knocked either way, I would have shut it down right away. That's just how I am. In all honesty, I am not a highly sexual person. I enjoy it alot, but not as highly as a lot of people do.
You mentioned that playing with a clit doesn't do much for you, whereas I am the opposite. I usually get so into that that a lot of the time I will wind up cumming without anything happening to me, just by fingering a girl. I don't think jerking another guy off would do that to me, but then again I never know.

So, really I don't know what else to say. While I am a person who knows what I want and don't want, I am also a very open-minded person. I am going to see where the road takes me I guess..

but the reason I started this thread was really just because I sometimes get confused with the way guys act... and confused with how to read them (not that I am trying to pick them up, cruise them, or whatever, just out of curiosity)

[Bluebiyou]

Well, rest assured some of the guys are checking you out.
Some sexually, some looking at your build to determine threat, or whether you're 'packing'... You'll do better up towards Greenville.
Low country is more potentially redneck/hostile, but times are changing.
Your feelings, questions, and your confusion is/are normal and valid.
But be patient. I was 38 before I found true love.
Hell, it is years later and I still have questions about myself. That's just life :)

[sometimesitbethatway]

What are the ways in which You find men and women attractive? Why is the whole thing confusing? Did being with women ever gross you out at all or it wasn't a turn on?

I'm curious, you asked if I was ever grossed out by being with a woman, does that mean that you were grossed out at some point in time by being with a woman? Which btw my answer is no

[the mage]

I am wondering if there are certain ways to tell if a gay might be gay or bi? Sometimes I just get the feeling from random guys in passing, even if they are with a chick. But then I was always scared I would get found out if I had wandering eyes when I was out with my gf/wife.
Sometimes I repeatedly see the same guy and it's always an out-of-the-corner-of-the-eye glance back and forth. Does this mean anything? Maybe he's intimidated by me or just think I seem like a cool guy to know? Or maybe 100% straight guys do not corner-eye glance at other guys?
Anyone with more experience with this have some pointers??


When I was 17 a guy walked up and asked if I always walk around with a hard on...didn't work on me but hey ya never know...