Nurturing yourself...How do you do it?

[csrakate]

A few situations in the forum and in the chat room lately have started me thinking about how we can get past the frustrations and anguish we feel when we don't feel we are loved and accepted by others. We've gotten tearful pleas in threads about not being able to be what someone else wants us to be...we've had chatters come into the chat room lashing out at others because life has dealt them a bum hand and instead of allowing us to nurture and support them, they push us away and wallow in self pity. We have those who seek advice yet shun any that is given to them because they want a quick fix and are not willing to take the necessary steps to facilitate that advice. I started thinking about these events of the last few days and one thing that seems consistent in many of those cases is the fact that these people apparently don't like themselves very much, therefore making it difficult for others to accept them. They are so frustrated by the present situation that they overlook the good in themselves that is hidden beneath that frustration and they allow the opinions of others to become their truths. Please, don't get me wrong...many have true and deep issues that are not so easy to fix...yet with these particular cases that I have witnessed lately, self love and acceptance seem to be missing. Believe me, I in no way sit in judgment of these people...I've been there and done that and will most likely do it again. But as a community that is here to offer support to one another, I was wondering if we could share what WE do to take care of ourselves....what do WE do as individuals that help us avoid being overwhelmed by the big picture and allow us to take the necessary baby steps to take care of ourselves first and foremost.

As for myself, I have been singing the middle aged, pre-menopausal blues...sitting at a crossroads as I approach my half century mark. I found myself floundering after spending 23 years as a stay at home mom, yet hampered to move forward to explore other avenues due to an impending move. I found that I don't possess that lovely quality many women do when they find a sense of satisfaction from keeping a neat and tidy home...I found my friends scattered about and too busy since their kids are younger than mine and they are occupied with running them back and forth...I found myself having to live alone as my husband started that new job and I was forced to stay behind and wait for the house to sell. Finally one day a friend took me aside and told me that I needed to do a few things for ME...things that would get me off of my ass and out of my house where I was wallowing in self pity. I started a yoga class which, although painful to do, is a chance to be around others my age as we attempt to fold ourselves into positions that seem impossible and laugh as we give it all we can. I started attending a women's only support group that allowed me the chance to share my frustrations while I got support and shared experiences. And as trite as it sounds, I occasionally treat myself to a manicure and pedicure, a day when I can forget about scrubbing the floors and doing the laundry and keeping the house ready to show at a moment's notice. It's not much, but it seems to help...and of course, I spend some time in the chat room laughing and sharing with a wonderful group of people who are filling the temporary void of human interaction that I am experiencing at this moment.

So....what do you do....What do you do to keep yourself mentally, physically and spiritually grounded? What do you do to take care of YOU that allows you to nurture yourself so that you are more open to nurturing others?

I look forward to hearing your replies...and yes...while "self love" can also be interpreted as masturbation, I would appreciate it if we could limit the references to doing that to a minimum. LOL!!

Hugs,
Kate

[kitten]

I treat myself to a good book and my favorite tanked up cup of coffee(french roast with french vanilla cream and an extra dribble of sugar) or some chocolate truffles. I call my best mom friend and we give each other 15 minutes to bitch and moan and then we compliment each other on a job well done. Then we help each other lose the guilt that frequently terrorizes any adult/parent. LOL!

I also try to realize that I work hard and manage my own time mostly, so as my own manager, I give myself breaks and occasional reviews and realize that I am doing a great job. I started making choices based on what I want to do not always what I have to do. I have learned it is okay to say "No" when asked to help out another neighborhood committee or some sort of volunteer activity.

One time I called the cleaners, the maid service, the lawn service and the home repair hotline and got estimates for all the things I do around the house to maintain some quality of life and (sort of) neatness and cleanliness. I also looked at some restaurants and figured out how much they charge for meals equivalent to what I make for my family. WOW! When I added it all up...it was an amazing value that I provide for my family, community and workplace.
So, as far as actually nurturing myself, I try to take some time for that book mentioned above or to sit out on the porch swing at least a few times a week or watch a favorite movie a couple of times a month.
Hugs!

[Skater Boy]

Good post, Kate! Although I'm not sure that I can contribute much, tbh. I generally try and keep to any prescibed medications (assuming that they are working), eat as healthily as I can, avoid harmful substances where possible (including illegal drugs and imposing limits on alcohol and caffeine), exercise as often as I can, etc. I also find that regular therapy or counselling sessions may help. I read books and watch movies that inspire and enlighten me, and try to mingle and socialize with people who make me feel good. I try and recognize and accept compliments (albeit graciously) and ignore negative comments (unless I feel that they are valid).

Gawd... this is starting to sound a bit like Baz Luhrmann's "Sunscreen" song, isn't it? :bigrin:

Anyway, back when I was feeling analytical I figured that FEAR, DESIRE, LOGIC and EMOTION were key things in human life. And that it pays to be consciously aware of one's motivations behind any given action (eg. fear/desire), and aware of the balance between logical, rational thought and emotive impulse. Thereby striving to overcome one's fears (unless healthy fears) and achieve one's desires (unless unhealthy desires) and achieve the appropriate level of interaction between the logical and emotive. I felt that, by doing this, one could govern oneself toward becoming a better and healthier character.

Other things, like taking some time out (alone) to get to know YOURSELF may also help... there's much to be said for self-knowledge, and without first knowing who you really are, how can you learn to fully appreciate and utilize who you are? That said, I think maintaining a healthy social life can also be very important.

More later maybe... my connection cuts of in a coouple of minutes...

[DiamondDog]

I do lots of cardiovascular exercise, weightlifting, I jerk off 3-6 times, read a book, do some writing, meditate, call up good friends, sometimes drink alcohol (maybe 1-3 beers or a cocktail) with friends, I bake some favorite foods of mine for myself/others, I force myself to go out and hang out with people and meet new people even though I loathe the bar scene here, and I watch movies that I enjoy. :0)

Also, it sounds cynical but there's nothing you can do for other people like you described who ask for advice but don't follow it, people who get mad when they ask for advice/an opinion and then the answers they get aren't what they want to hear/aren't an easy quick fix, or people who want a quick fix to things that only they can change.

They themselves have to be able to love/accept themselves for who they are.

Personally I'm sick and tired of playing Dr. Phil and giving out advice to people who I don't know that well who aren't going to follow it anyway when they ask for advice about a personal issue/problem that they have that only they can fix. :2cents:

[TaylorMade]

I write... I admit I really get involved in work. I get involved in church too, and with easter coming, there's a lot for me to help out with.

I go swing dancing when I can afford it. I take my camera to South Beach and take pictures when I can.

It's not much, but It's all I can do.

But sometimes, some chips, salsa and a good movie or football can make me feel right as rain.:)

*Taylor*

[Falke]

I have to say...while it can be a pain work definantly helps me unwind. Once the landing gear is retracted there is nothing but sky above, beautiful scenery below, and 8600lbs of thrust at my fingertips. It is true freedom! On my off days... I can usually be found out and about, taking in the local fare and sightseeing. Further, I have a large collection of books that I have been working through. When I am at home I am on the computer, messing with one of my various hobbies. *I have too many! No wonder I never have any money!* :bigrin:

[onewhocares]

Kate,

What a most thought provoking thread. I could not agree with you on the first part. I was there last night when much of this discussion occured. I was getting rather perterbed at the comments from one young lady. Many times we all seem to be helpless when others are not considerate. Everyone has really bad days, but to take it out on others is selfish and shows a lack of concern for others.

Now...let me for the second part. I do do the manicure and pedicure things. But for me in just about the last year has been given the chance to take up kayaking. Like you the last year has been one of uncertainty and stress. But through it all the joy that kayaking has brought me has been amazing. I NEVER would have pictured myself taking up such a sport. But when you get out on the open water, all my stress and heartaches goes away. I come back with a sense of relaxation and clearness of mind. It also helps that I have been privledged to have met a man from here who has shown me a road to enlightenment. One other thing I do, although not as often as I ruptured another disc in April was to have a weekly massage. It was wonderful. Now since I am getting back on my feet I look forward to starting that again.

Chatting on this site and Yahoo is also something which I afford myself. I have meet some most wonderful, interesting, thought provoking people who I value very much. Always know that you are held in such high esteem by me, and by many.

Belle

[BreeIsMe]

Kate,
Oh, Kate.....You are so perceptive. I am truly sorry to hear about your situation currently but I am sure things will resolve themselves for the better soon. Keep smiling!!!!!!!!! :) somehow that is how I picture you in the chat room!!!

As for me, I face all kinds of challenges and have had to develop ways to deal with them. First, never look far into the future, for the the challenges in the distance are not worrying about today. Instead, establish small and attainable goals. For me, for instance, a recent one was to have my ears pierced. I finally did this and now I am extremely happy that I was able to accomplish this small feat.

Second, do something for yourself to keep you physically fit. Being totally out of shape (which is easy to do when you are feeling down and don't want to help yourself) makes you feel all that much worse. I run every morning at 4:30 am because it releases all those endorphins and I feel so much better during the day. AND being happy with your weight, appearance and the clothes that you can wear has an incredibly large impact on one's self esteem no matter who you are or if you choose to admit it or not. THis includes eating well, taking vitamins, etc.

Finally, surround yourself with friends (for instance in the chat room) who can talk some sense into you when you are off base, who can support you when you need it and who will always be there....Belle has been an incredible friend to me and I have no idea where I would be without her. Friends like that are few and far between but if you can find one...GRAB AHOLD... they are invaluable.

If need be get professional counselling. For transgendered people (particularly MTF) it is mandatory that we have counselling before we are able to undergo surgery. This has been extremely helpful for me as I can work through many of my issues with someone who is empathetic and in my case someone who has been through it all....


AND


ALWAYS no matter how hard, remember, that the problems you are having however huge are nothing in comparison to those who are oppressed, murdered, and starving in the world.....This always helps me put things in perspective...

ask yourself....How much does this REALLY mean to me.....

often the answer is: very little....


My :2cents:

Bree

[bisexualinsocal]

I just fully involve myself in my work. If you do the things you need to do in daily life and you do them consistently and fairly, everything else works itself out.

[april30]

Kate,


I really enjoyed the post very much. What I do for relieve or excape is dance and watch tv. I am at home right now with my 3yr old and all my friends work so it becomes difficult to talk at times. For me I also sometimes get wrapped up in the chat rooms bc my own life isnt going so well. Kate you hit some wonderful points we all should be here to support and help each other become a better verison of ourselves and to that I will be internally grateful. Your friend april30

[bigregory]

I just get in my truck and drive.
I live in the country and love to find all the back roads and just look at everything,homes farms trees cows rocks everything.
My other comfort is work.
As a contractor/renovator I just love to build and the best part is when im done, to be proud of what I have done.. Its like an orgasam (almost).
Masturbation is also something I do to nurture myself:tongue:

As for helping others Im all for it if they are first willing to help themselves
:flag2:

[The Barefoot Contess]

I try to distance myself from whatever is making me feel down and look at it with perspective so that I don't let the problem become more important than it is. In theory that works wonderfully, but it is harder to actually carry out. I try to always see the big picture and realize that small problems require equally small worries. This is not to demean the original poster's problems, but just to say that I try to not become self-obsessed in my worries and think that they are the end of the world.
I also try pick my battles and be aware of my limitations: there are things I can do, and things I cannot do; things which are worthy of my time, and things which are not. For instance, I used to be fat, and that generated some self-esteem issues and eating disorders because I let my body become my self, and I let my self-esteem rely on others' opinions about something as inconsequential as my body. Now I know that if others don't like the way I look, it is really their problem and not mine.
I also try to exercise so as to let anger/disappointment out. This prevents me from being angry among people who have nothing to do with my issues and do not deserve my anger.
I also try to do things I like, which I use as "creative outlets": cooking and writing mostly.
And I eat chocolate. Just a little tiny bit.

[Doggie_Wood]

I try to distance myself from whatever is making me feel down and look at it with perspective so that I don't let the problem become more important than it is.

That's pretty much the same thing that I do. Sort of. A lot of time when I have something that is bugging me, I will either come here to get my mind off of it, or I'll get on my bike and go riding for hours, go to the local icehouse and hoist a few 7 & cranberries.

:doggie:

[someotherguy]

Feeling unloved and useless is the natural and proper result of failing to love others and make yourself useful. Society rewards generosity. So if a person is feeling unloved, they can go find someone even more unloved and offer them their love. That other unloved person will respond with love, and, get this, when bystanders see you in the act of loving someone they think you are yourself lovable. It works the same for a pointless existence. There is a body of work in the world that needs doing on a daily basis. Find someplace to pitch in and get busy. By that you will begin to associate with others whose lives have purpose, and your own will, and there goes the penalty for being idle. The way to take care of yourself is to serve others. This does not mean being a martyr. Self-neglect is selfish. Manage your life so that you can be doing good works. And if you are female, remember it can't hurt to show cleavage, weather permitting.

[oceans]

Kate,

This is something I have been working on for a while now. I enjoy getting lost in a good book or a movie for a few hours.

But the things that really let me be grounded is being outside. I love being down by the lake, walking the on the sand just letting wave roll over my feet, listening to the sound of water. Also enjoy getting out into nature, going for a hike. I have discovered this one conservation area that has a waterfall, just being out in the forest and hearing the sound of the river, the water rushing over the edge, just pulls be back. This just relaxes and completely grounds me.

Seeing I live in Ontario and we have snow for about 5 months it is hard to do the things I mentioned above, so I am looking for something to do in the winter months. I have just not figure out what that is yet.

I am glad you put this post out there. I find it interesting to see how everyone else finds their place, their grounding point.

[**Peg**]

Feeling unloved and useless is the natural and proper result of failing to love others and make yourself useful. Society rewards generosity. So if a person is feeling unloved, they can go find someone even more unloved and offer them their love. That other unloved person will respond with love, and, get this, when bystanders see you in the act of loving someone they think you are yourself lovable. It works the same for a pointless existence. There is a body of work in the world that needs doing on a daily basis. Find someplace to pitch in and get busy. By that you will begin to associate with others whose lives have purpose, and your own will, and there goes the penalty for being idle. The way to take care of yourself is to serve others. This does not mean being a martyr. Self-neglect is selfish. Manage your life so that you can be doing good works. And if you are female, remember it can't hurt to show cleavage, weather permitting.

WOW ! I am so impressed... I've taken the liberty of copying your post and putting it on my desktop to be read first thing each morning. Thank you for making a difference in MY life today.

**Peg**

[FerociousFeline]

A few situations in the forum and in the chat room lately have started me thinking about how we can get past the frustrations and anguish we feel when we don't feel we are loved and accepted by others.

So....what do you do....What do you do to keep yourself mentally, physically and spiritually grounded? What do you do to take care of YOU that allows you to nurture yourself so that you are more open to nurturing others?

I look forward to hearing your replies...and yes...while "self love" can also be interpreted as masturbation, I would appreciate it if we could limit the references to doing that to a minimum. LOL!!

Hugs,
Kate

Ahhhh, so it finally happened! YEA KATE! (I've been waiting for you to open up for a long time you know ; )

Well, I'll throw out my best attempt at answering this, right now, this morning while I'm trying to wake up and yet still be under the pressure of the ticking clock as it marches towards the moment when I need to be at work.

The topic that you bring about is at once both very simple and yet the implementation of the appropriate behavior can be so very convoluted and complex.

The issues of the people whom you mention all are the same, and there are many on this site who also suffer the same pain that they do, yet manifest it in different ways.

Personally, I interpret this behavior and mindset to be indicative of an overwhelming lack of self love. Self identity, self validation and fear and anger over lack of ability to love oneself, only seem to make the problem more complicated and confusing. But you hit the nail on the head. These people are in denial of the fact that they are afraid that they cannot look and the mirror and find a friend. I should know. I lived years in that condition. So I recognize it.

Actually, I unintentionally wind up being a fairly decent model for this, as I was in that state when I joined this site, and have moved beyond it (I hope lol) at this point. How have I done so?

Well, for starters, I did the opposite of what my impulse was to do.
Instead of hiding myself away, I joined a couple mens groups. I became aware of what I was actually SAYING to myself during my self talk. I stopped listening to myself for a while and began to listen to the feedback I was getting from the men in my group. When those incredible men kept telling me over and over what a beautiful spirit I am kept interrupting my process of tearing myself down, I had a serious problem on my hands. I realized that part of my abandonment complex was stranger than I had ever thought possible. I became aware of the fact that the person who had REALLY abandoned me..........was me.

Life is extremely challenging. Multi-faceted, multi-dimensional, zillions of different future paths all converge and wait in ultimate anticipation at our feet......EVERY SINGLE DAY. We must develop a state of grace within ourselves or the paths that we choose wind up being chosen out of REaction....instead of ACTION.

So, as I said. For me, the key was to realize that I couldn't change the world that I was witnessing. I was forced then, to look inward and attempt to change my POSITION TO THE WORLD. I began to GIVE. Instead of worrying about myself, I began to work on assisting others. I set up multiple online personalities all over the net where I spoke to many many people in all walks of life regarding the pain that they were suffering from. As I said, I joined mens groups and I offered what I knew to the men in those groups. (Austin Warrior and a Mens church group) I discovered along the way that many people held me in a regard that was actually MUCH HIGHER than the regard I would have otherwise had for myself. They taught me through their opening up that I am not alone in my struggle over some of the issues that I couldn't look into the mirror over. They taught me that by my being a recluse, I was really being SELFISH. (Because they felt like I had so much to offer other people and yet I wasn't sharing it....I was going home alone and hiding in my cave) Once it finally got through my thick skull that I really did have something of value to offer other people.....I began to understand their perspective. It wasn't easy, believe me. First, I never in a million years would have considered myself as being selfish. Secondly, I didn't think enough of my wisdom to believe that it held any value to anyone else. I was wrong on both counts.

As I began to accept the issues and the problems and the pain of other people, I began to have a greater understanding of that in myself. Once I truly accepted myself, and realized for the first time that...I REALLY....didn't KNOW myself........only then did the real healing start to begin. So I gave. I gave and as is typical for me, I pushed the envelope. I worked around the clock looking for people who were in pain, and tried to help them. As I did so, I began to heal. Suddenly, I had an identity that I hadn't had before. I had a piece of myself that I could honor no matter what. Looking back now I realize that I didn't change the world. I changed my PERSPECTIVE of the world. (and the world appeared to change).

I hope that all this is useful to someone out there.....but I'm out of time for now. My advice Kate: Forgive yourself. Do what you've been doing....being Den-mother to the people here is a beautiful thing. Maybe you might try joining a Woman's group and doing it live and in person.

The key folks.....is so simple. Give. Love. Honor.

Give everything you can to those who need it. Love yourself despite your worst habits or whatever, Honor those around you (including people who piss you he hell off....because they are a mirror for you.....and show you where you need to work on something) and Honor yourself.

Hope this helps,

FF

[The Barefoot Contess]

And if you are female, remember it can't hurt to show cleavage, weather permitting.

Or, if you are male, remember that it is each woman's business to decide whether or not they want to show cleavage, weather permitting.

[**Peg**]

I'm still amazed at the posting by "someotherguy" and find myself wondering if he can read my mind *s*.

When I was 8 I remember vividly the great feeling I got from helping someone. I'm still like that, hell that's why I teach people how to protect/use their computers. I hate seeing people victimized by Microsoft or anyone.

I live a life of service: I'm a volunteer driver for the Cancer society, I take "Meals on Wheels" to seniors once a week, feed them lunch at a "Diner's club"... shovel their snow. It's so rewarding, I'm left with little time to feel sorry for myself. People in need in my community are very grateful and kind and affectionate :)

Helping those less fortunate is my soulfood. The love of a few good men just makes it better. If there is strife in the chatroom I have a tendency to recite my mantra and put the combatants (friend or foe) on iggy until the dust settles. That's how *I* remain serene.

**Peg**

[**Peg**]

.... When those incredible men kept telling me over and over what a beautiful spirit I am kept interrupting my process of tearing myself down, I had a serious problem on my hands. I realized that part of my abandonment complex was stranger than I had ever thought possible. I became aware of the fact that the person who had REALLY abandoned me..........was me.
FF

when I grow up I want to be as evolved as FF... incredible post ... ty so much !

**Peg**

[wolfcamp]

Feeling unloved and useless is the natural and proper result of failing to love others and make yourself useful. Society rewards generosity. So if a person is feeling unloved, they can go find someone even more unloved and offer them their love. That other unloved person will respond with love, and, get this, when bystanders see you in the act of loving someone they think you are yourself lovable. It works the same for a pointless existence. There is a body of work in the world that needs doing on a daily basis. Find someplace to pitch in and get busy. By that you will begin to associate with others whose lives have purpose, and your own will, and there goes the penalty for being idle. The way to take care of yourself is to serve others. This does not mean being a martyr. Self-neglect is selfish. Manage your life so that you can be doing good works. And if you are female, remember it can't hurt to show cleavage, weather permitting.

I agree with **Peg**. This is profound. These words are worth saving. I had a good laugh at the puncutating wisdom of the last sentence. I concur wholeheartedly. :bigrin:

[izzfan]

Hmmm....interesting question. I guess I listen to a lot of music, write or if I'm in a really bad mood, put on the heaviest metal music possible and just take out all my anger on a video game (probably either Doom 2 or whatever FPS game I happen to be playing at the time - it's true, violent videogames reduce stress and actually make people less violent).

To relax? Sometimes reading a good book, having coffee [this is more if I'm tired though] or tea [but only green tea....for some reason I'm not a fan of 'normal' tea lol], looking good (sometimes invoving TV elements), playing badminton, going for a walk, watching DVDs, being alone/ hanging out with mates (depends on my mood) etc...

...and if that all fails then there's always good old alcohol, tobacco and pornography. lol

Izzfan :flag3:

[chulainn2]

I can be such a goof sometimes, I thought this post said nuturing yourself. I thought that was a rather odd question Kate was asking.

[gfofbiguy]

I'm not very good at nurturing myself...I seem to be much better at taking care of others and putting their needs first. But...of course the mani/pedi comes to mind, or a full-blown "spa day" complete with haircut & color and a mani/pedi.

Hmmm, I love to cook ... or when I have the time, I paint. I like to read, but I don't seem to do much reading recently unfortunately...camping and/or hiking as well if it's that time of year.

[alaskacouple]

What a great thread topic! And in reading the responses up to here, I am really impressed with the quality of them. Below is what I do to try and remain(attain) mental/physical/spiritual grounding and balance;

At my current stage of development (mid 50's male) my primary focus for several years has been to achieve whatever level of spiritual enlightenment that I can. What I think I see in so many people who are hurting is that they simply have not yet realized that they are comprised of spirit/mind(soul)/body. Unfortunately we spend a lot of our lives either focusing on the soul(mind) or the body(strength, youth, doing). Many people overlook the spirit and our connection with the ultimate Essence of the Creation, and thus end up with no true anchor of purpose for even being. All things of a physical or mental nature (our strength, our thoughts, our deeds, our possessions and finally even this body) will eventually pass away into non-existence - and it seems that deep down inside we intuitively know this and are unsettled.

I am finding more and more that when I am internal and peaceful, then the external confusions of others can be viewed without any personal threat to myself. One should ask; why does that persons unbecoming behavior affect my own peace so much? People have to grow emotionally as well as physically - sometimes the growing pains are difficult. But the purpose of the pain is to force them into a more perfect way. So, when people ask me what I "think" they should do, I am happy to offer my two cents knowing that for the most part they will not hear - but, also knowing that some do hear and then I become one of the many pointers in their lives that help them find inner enlightenment.

Besides this spiritual quest is the quest for physical health - we are are facing our own impending transforming death experience - but why rush it?

Also important is to do work with a meaningful purpose, realizing that 'meaningful' is different for every human. I think the proverb goes something like this; 'whatever task you lay your hand to, do it with zeal and purpose.' And what can be more meaningful that to provide financial support for ourselves and loved ones - with perhaps something extra to give to someone in true need? I believe that if we are faithful in the little things, perhaps something even better may just come along and surprise us.

Once we find a balance in our lives it becomes obvious that love for all must flow naturally out of our hearts - to the degree that love is not there, so too the degree that we have not been fully enlightened. (and oh how painful it is to see how little love I have!)

And finally, and very importantly, is to understand how to live in the present moment. For most of my life I thought of Eternity as some distant time in the sweet by-and-by. However, some years back I finally realized that Eternity only exists in this moment. The past is only memories of time that is no longer - the future is only an imagined something that has no substance whatsoever. When I live in the memories of past time, I tend to only reflect on things that were painful, or mistakes, or missed opportunities - and this brings pain into the present moment. When I live in the fantasies of the future, I tend to worry about many things which either I cannot change or which may never even occur - and this too brings pain into the present moment. But, when I focus only on the present moment I find that I am actually ok - I am warm, well fed, I have work, I have health, I have love - I am truly blessed beyond measure!

[csrakate]

I am so impressed by the many of you who have posted....such thoughtful posts! Thank you so much for sharing this special part of yourselves!

Hugs,
Kate

[GreenEyedLady(GEL)]

Kate ,
Im super impressed with the steps you've been taking. Sometimes it can be so dang hard, especially when your by yourself. There isn't anyone to tell you to get off your bum and at least try to enjoy your day. I use that excuse alot, I dwell on the fact I have no immediate family with me, hell for that matter I dont have any extended family around me. With the exception of a few friends , I am very much alone. Sometimes If im not working , I just might not leave my house for 3 days. And to be quite honest, im not sure why I do that. Today...granted its a bit chilly ( 27 degrees ) but its so sunny outsite. I know I need to excersise, and I also know that I will feel like a million bucks after a brisk walk, but this negitive voice in my head says " screw that, stay indoors " I guess what Im getting at is , how do you begin to self nurture when your simply not good at it or feel unworthy if this is that case. Im not sure if I feel unworthy, but maybe from someone elses perspective I do. I get so hyped about getting myself together, losing weight, taking vitamins, not smoking, bike riding , what have you ..I want to live a good clean heart healthy life. But im either super lazy or sometimes I just dont give a shit, and back to square one lol I don't know if this is self pity , or lazy or dont give a shit. I just don't always know how to get my butt out the door. OK so now that I sound like a total sloth , I'll quite, but if anyone has a pointer or two, id love to hear it. Thanks kate for the Kate I love ya muchly !

Lynn Anne

[csrakate]

Lynn Anne,
For me, the stumbling block has always been when I concentrate TOO much on the big picture and ignore the little things I can do to make myself feel better. For me, whenever a task seems overwhelming I just want to curl up on the sofa and pretend it doesn't exist. I find that chipping away at it little by little at least gives me a sense of satisfaction and gives me a sense of completion instead of dwelling on how much I have left to do. For example, when I faced cleaning out this house in order to sell it, I would look at 20 years worth of mess and memories and just say forget it!!!! But when I took one closet at a time...made plans to just get that closet done, then at least I had the satisfaction of completing that task, however small it was in the grand scheme of things. Of course, I had to try very hard not to look at all that I had left to do, but little by little, it got done.

As far as exercise, I have always been one who needs to be held accountable for anything that I attempt to do. I can't tell you how many mornings I have considered "canceling" my yoga class when it's been cold and rainy outside and the bed has felt so good...BUT...I know that my instructor would wonder where I was and with my luck, would let it slip to my hubby that I have been missing next time she sees him. LOL!! I am hardly one to push another to exercise....I am the world's worst at motivating myself to get busy and like you, I know I need to get out there and take that "brisk walk"....but you know, maybe that is too much too fast. You and I could benefit by simply slapping a leash on our weenie dogs and taking them for a walk...."WEENIE WALKING-Sisters United Through Weenies"! LOL!! I'll make a deal with you...I'll hound you about it if you do the same for me!!! Maybe we can start a network with others like ourselves to motivate one another to get out there and get busy....the Bisex.com Nag and Moan Society!! LOL!! You never know...it might help!! LOL!

Hugs,
Kate

[The Barefoot Contess]

GEL, why do you want to lose weight?

[GreenEyedLady(GEL)]

I can think of so many reasons from actual health factors to self esteem issues, confidence issues as to why I need to drop the weight. My parents are both type 2 diabetics, heart and lung disease run in both sides of the family. Thanfully I kicked the cigarettes. I miss the energy that I used to have, and I feel much like a slug sometimes. Granted I've just started a Tae Kwon Do class that I just absolutely love, and I think maybe I have found my nitch. I've been losing , and I havnt gained any back. But ive got a ways to go yet. I start my vacation in june and I want to be able to feel comfortable being exposed in more than just shorts and a tshirt. I feel frumpy in a bathing suit. I've refused to get into a hot tub with people my size or bigger, just be I dont like the way I look. I told someone recently how my much weighed and she didn't believe me , says there was no way. So evidently, probably because im on the shorter side that I carry it well or something lol I dont know. Tired of the clothes that I want to buy being a bit tight , by the time I leave from shopping im so irrate that im cussing myself all the way home, after I've stopped for a pizza :eek: Yes im an emotional eater. Knowing that makes it easier though. I want the energy, to be of average size, and to not dodge mirrors. I just want to feel good , and know that I look good at the same time. Not so much by others standards, but by my own. Im well aware of how shallow some people can be. Those idiots arnt my concern, not like they used to be. This is for me.

[**Peg**]

... You and I could benefit by simply slapping a leash on our weenie dogs and taking them for a walk...."WEENIE WALKING-Sisters United Through Weenies"! LOL!! I'll make a deal with you...I'll hound you about it if you do the same for me!!! Maybe we can start a network with others like ourselves to motivate one another to get out there and get busy....the Bisex.com Nag and Moan Society!! LOL!! You never know...it might help!! LOL! Hugs, Kate

aka the Weener Walkers of Amewica :bigrin:

[DiamondDog]

Kate/GEL-Do your dogs ever get back problems or have trouble walking up/down steps?

[csrakate]

So far I have been very lucky with mine....I try to watch her carefully when it may be a situation that may be harmful....I don't encourage her to jump too high...and as she gets older, I find that I pick her up when she acts like she wants to jump in my lap. As for stairs, she does fine with a few steps but seems to be a bit wary of them. I don't allow her to walk up our stairs, however. That's just an accident waiting to happen since she is so top heavy and may not be able to balance safely. Aside from a few restrictions, they are wonderful dogs and so very loving but very very possessive. Mine won't allow my husband to sit too close without getting right in between us! LOL!

Hugs,
Kate

[GreenEyedLady(GEL)]

Kate/GEL-Do your dogs ever get back problems or have trouble walking up/down steps?

My weener man is almost 11 yo, and thank God , no he hasn't had any problems. He had surgery a few months ago , and while he was getting his Xrays I asked the Vet what his spine and hips looked like to her and she said they were perfect. No degerneritive issues whatsoever. He's climbed steps of some sort his whole life. His problem is he has Epilepsy. But with daily meds I can most of the time keep it managable, every now again he'll still have one, but they're not nearly as frequent now. :)

[gfofbiguy]

Bisexualnewbie's and my wiener dog is just over a year old and she goes up and down stairs just fine...when we first got her, we carried her up and down the stairs because she was a little afraid of them, but she now runs and/or jumps up and down them with no problem. She doesn't have any back problems either, but we will keep an eye out for that as she gets older of course. She loves to jump up onto the lap of either of us and snuggle and like Kate said, is very very possessive of the two of us and loves to sit with us on the couch and watch t.v. - going back and forth from his lap to mine. She also just loves to sit up on her hind legs and beg - we don't know where she figured out that stunt, one day she just started doing it and has been doing it ever since! Once in a while she will waver/weave a little bit, but that just adds to the charm.

My cat is not to thrilled about her though, LOL

[gfofbiguy]

Lynn Anne,
....I am the world's worst at motivating myself to get busy and like you, I know I need to get out there and take that "brisk walk"....but you know, maybe that is too much too fast. You and I could benefit by simply slapping a leash on our weenie dogs and taking them for a walk...."WEENIE WALKING-Sisters United Through Weenies"! LOL!! I'll make a deal with you...I'll hound you about it if you do the same for me!!! Maybe we can start a network with others like ourselves to motivate one another to get out there and get busy....the Bisex.com Nag and Moan Society!! LOL!! You never know...it might help!! LOL!

Hugs,
Kate

I would love to join that group!!! Like **Peg** said, "Weener Walkers of Amewica" LOL

[the mage]

A few situations in the forum and in the chat room lately have started me thinking about how we can get past the frustrations and anguish we feel when we don't feel we are loved and accepted by others. We've gotten tearful pleas in threads about not being able to be what someone else wants us to be...we've had chatters come into the chat room lashing out at others because life has dealt them a bum hand and instead of allowing us to nurture and support them, they push us away and wallow in self pity. We have those who seek advice yet shun any that is given to them because they want a quick fix and are not willing to take the necessary steps to facilitate that advice. I started thinking about these events of the last few days and one thing that seems consistent in many of those cases is the fact that these people apparently don't like themselves very much, therefore making it difficult for others to accept them. They are so frustrated by the present situation that they overlook the good in themselves that is hidden beneath that frustration and they allow the opinions of others to become their truths. Please, don't get me wrong...many have true and deep issues that are not so easy to fix...yet with these particular cases that I have witnessed lately, self love and acceptance seem to be missing. Believe me, I in no way sit in judgment of these people...I've been there and done that and will most likely do it again. But as a community that is here to offer support to one another, I was wondering if we could share what WE do to take care of ourselves....what do WE do as individuals that help us avoid being overwhelmed by the big picture and allow us to take the necessary baby steps to take care of ourselves first and foremost.

As for myself, I have been singing the middle aged, pre-menopausal blues...sitting at a crossroads as I approach my half century mark. I found myself floundering after spending 23 years as a stay at home mom, yet hampered to move forward to explore other avenues due to an impending move. I found that I don't possess that lovely quality many women do when they find a sense of satisfaction from keeping a neat and tidy home...I found my friends scattered about and too busy since their kids are younger than mine and they are occupied with running them back and forth...I found myself having to live alone as my husband started that new job and I was forced to stay behind and wait for the house to sell. Finally one day a friend took me aside and told me that I needed to do a few things for ME...things that would get me off of my ass and out of my house where I was wallowing in self pity. I started a yoga class which, although painful to do, is a chance to be around others my age as we attempt to fold ourselves into positions that seem impossible and laugh as we give it all we can. I started attending a women's only support group that allowed me the chance to share my frustrations while I got support and shared experiences. And as trite as it sounds, I occasionally treat myself to a manicure and pedicure, a day when I can forget about scrubbing the floors and doing the laundry and keeping the house ready to show at a moment's notice. It's not much, but it seems to help...and of course, I spend some time in the chat room laughing and sharing with a wonderful group of people who are filling the temporary void of human interaction that I am experiencing at this moment.

So....what do you do....What do you do to keep yourself mentally, physically and spiritually grounded? What do you do to take care of YOU that allows you to nurture yourself so that you are more open to nurturing others?

I look forward to hearing your replies...and yes...while "self love" can also be interpreted as masturbation, I would appreciate it if we could limit the references to doing that to a minimum. LOL!!

Hugs,
Kate

I keep my big dog and myself fit with 3 to 5 daily walks always totalling more than an hour a day. We walk in the forest path out back.
I smoke a doobie sometimes.
I read actual books.
I work out but that is in fact maintenance not relaxation.
I do volunteer work just cause it feels good to help.
We make love, we laugh, we cry.....its all good ...

[sometimesitbethatway]

First off I want to say that this is a great topic. I have really been deep into this and finding and nurturing myself the past couple months, so this really speaks to me.
I am a thinker and an analyzer. Yeah, I tend to over-analyze. But in the end it makes me very self-aware of myself. I do not let people's opinions of me or comments towards me bring me down anymore.

As far as the things that nurture me goes, being able to effectively have a real, honest human connection, conversation, etc with someone brings a huge relief to me. I know that isn't necessarily 'nurturing myself' but whether it be helping an old lady in the grocery store or coming on a forum to discuss actively with other people, it brings me comfort, makes me feel connected to humanity and not such a freak.

I'm a huge movie nerd, so typically throughout the day I can think of a movie that will bring joy to me to watch when I get home or when I start to get stressed out. I think people have forgotten the value of movies and the main reason they started creating them. For entertainment. To escape your life's problems for a small time. If you watch a lot of movie trailers for films from the 40's and such, you will notice the advertisements are a little different and are more directed at entertainment through fantasy and "quick getaways" from life stresses.

I also listen to a lot of spiritual or meaningful music to bring me back down or help me through tough spots. The singer Jewel is one of my favorites and she always has positive messages in her songs that I can usually relate to.

Sorry, that was a long post for my :2cents: , wasn't it?
But thanks again, Kate, for the meaningful post :bigrin:


---oh yeah, I almost forgot that I sometimes, rarely and if I'm feeling more artistically inclined, will pour out my feelings into poetry or just random thoughts. That is always a nice release

[BronzeBobby]

I like weightlifting, reading books, and sleeping in.
I also travel, and go to bars alone, with the intent of meeting new people. I find that when I meet someone new (not for sex, just for a chat), I always beam lots of confidence and am reminded about the things that make me interesting.
For some reason VH1 and Bravo cheer me up when I'm depressed. So do cheesy historical dramas like Uma Thurman's "Golden Bowl" or Reese Witherspoon in "The Importance of Being Earnest."
If I'm feeling really down, I kick back and watch a marathon of Alfred Hitchcock, and reread some of my favorite world classics, like Boccaccio's Decameron, the Iliad, the Aeneid, or Shakespeare plays I like to read aloud, like The Merchant of Venice, The Tempest, and A Midsummer Night's Dream.

Just as important, though, are the things I've learned NOT to do when I'm feeling low:

1) I've learned never to unload my problems on other people. Nine times of out ten, people take such a plea for help as a small victory for themselves, and the get pleasure out of having me in a subordinate position. Usually, when they're giving "advice" they're really just gloating about how wonderful they think they are, and judging me. None of that ever helps.

2) I've learned not to drink or do drugs when I"m feeling sad. It derails me so much that a small trough can turn into a major breakdown.

3) I've learned not to get too involved in career worries when I'm feeling sad. At first work projects are a good distraction, but ultimately, work is always dehumanizing and depersonalized. Work always involves subtle competition with your peers. That's not what I need if I'm feeling lousy about myself.

4) I've learned not to make vows or promises to myself when I'm feeling depressed. I don't say things like "I'm never going to make this mistake again!" or "from now on I'm going to do XYZPDQ". When you are depressed, your judgment isn't strong and any vows you make are probably rash or poorly thought out. Then you'll be stuck with the awkward choice of breaking a promise to yourself, or making good on a promise that's stupid.

[sometimesitbethatway]

If I'm feeling really down, I kick back and watch a marathon of Alfred Hitchcock,

YES :bigrin:

[**Peg**]

to come in to chat or read the forum when I'm either lonely or too worn out from working... I work too much LOL. I love it though :) and (most of) the people here are so learned, well read, witty, funny...and there are a few lost souls who can lean on me if they so choose. They know who they are.

Without a doubt the denizens of this chatroom are some of the finest, most welcoming people I've had the good fortune to chat with in a long time. So I come here for my regular MOON(NY) fix :bigrin: among other things.

**Peg**

[Bopit4Ever]

When I'm blue, I nurture myself with some of or a combo of the following:

A pint of Haagan Das Rum Raisin
An Entire bag of PoppyCock
More masturbation

[diB4u]

Well hello there wow good posts I must say.

I too suffer from over analysing everything. For any die hard Frasier fans, I’m like Niles and Fraiser lol all rolled into one.

It used to bother me how others saw me, who they saw. I used to hide behind many fake walls, I build them up, over time and years I ’d observe cracks in the walls and I know it wont be long before it all comes crumbling down… What will be left is the raw me, the unexposed me, the person with who I am.

For years I would pretend that I’m fine, when in actual fact I was broken.

But that was then, some of which does apply to me now, but I’m making myself a stronger person… A person that does need others. People that I’ve spoken to, here on the chat site have been a really great boost for the confidence and for the esteem.

Low self esteem and lack of confidence has plagued me for most of my life. IT started when I was in school, as young as 5, when I realised that I was different.

Not being a girl, wanting to be a boy. Craving to be a boy.

Other issues of self doubt over the years have been applied, layer after layer, almost akin to making a sandwich - but instead of satisfying the stomach, this particular ‘sandwich’ only satisfied in denying who I am.

nur·tured, nur·tur·ing, nur·tures - to nourish, feed.

Now however, I’m spending the rest of my life nurturing the damage that has been done.
The soul with me, will continue its journey, in re-awakening lost spirits of loved ones and of cherished friends.

Does that make sense, for that’s what my soul needs in regard to being nurtured, other kin, my other lost souls…

[MarieDelta]

I've been trying to figure out a proper answer to this thread since I first read it.

I spend time, by myself, at the bookstore or local library. I may (or may not) get any books, but I just enjoy the feel of so much knowledge around me.

Its nice especially since both Barnes and Nobles and Borders have cafe's in them now.

When I was younger, the thought fo having a cafe' in a bookstore was unheard of.

So, there you go.

~M

[Skater Boy]

I've been trying to figure out a proper answer to this thread since I first read it.

I spend time, by myself, at the bookstore or local library. I may (or may not) get any books, but I just enjoy the feel of so much knowledge around me.

Its nice especially since both Barnes and Nobles and Borders have cafe's in them now.

When I was younger, the thought fo having a cafe' in a bookstore was unheard of.

So, there you go.

~M

Ditto. I think its great that Borders now has a Starbucks inside, and most of the other big stores are following suit.

BUT, I always feel guilty about reading books that I haven't payed for yet, so its sometimes tempting to buy one while I'm there. And I've already amassed a substantial collection of weird and wonderful books that I have yet to read.

Its a shame you can't buy refreshments in libraries... I find the atmosphere there a little less relaxed. Although I guess that makes it more conducive to hard work...

[diB4u]

Ditto. I think its great that Borders now has a Starbucks inside, and most of the other big stores are following suit.

BUT, I always feel guilty about reading books that I haven't payed for yet, so its sometimes tempting to buy one while I'm there. And I've already amassed a substantial collection of weird and wonderful books that I have yet to read.

Its a shame you can't buy refreshments in libraries... I find the atmosphere there a little less relaxed. Although I guess that makes it more conducive to hard work...

That is soo true, i love sitting down and just reading books...

Huge book worm me! the smell of forbidden coffee tempting me, teasing me to strike out, seducing my palate....


:bigrin:

[Skater Boy]

That is soo true, i love sitting down and just reading books...

Huge book worm me! the smell of forbidden coffee tempting me, teasing me to strike out, seducing my palate....


:bigrin:

Y'know, if coffee doesn't agree with your stomach, you should try "Chai" or rather "Chai Latte" (as its sometimes known). Its a tea-based drink, which tastes a bit like a cross between a latte and a hot-chocolate, but slightly different. You might like it.

Anyway, ya, I sometimes pop along to coffee shops in Central London just to read the book that I've brought with me.

Still half-way through Goethe's "Faust" atm... amongst others.

[The Barefoot Contess]

Still half-way through Goethe's "Faust" atm... amongst others.

Great book :)

[Skater Boy]

Great book :)

That it is. Although admittedly some of the references to Greek Mythology are wasted on me, since I never had the benefit of "Classical Civilizations" classes.

[MarieDelta]

BUT, I always feel guilty about reading books that I haven't payed for yet, so its sometimes tempting to buy one while I'm there. And I've already amassed a substantial collection of weird and wonderful books that I have yet to read.

Its a shame you can't buy refreshments in libraries... I find the atmosphere there a little less relaxed. Although I guess that makes it more conducive to hard work...

I very seldom read books all the way throughwhile I am there. I will take my stack of books to a table, sit and drink my latte' and simply peruse the ones that most interest me.


It is a shame you cant buy refreshments the library, althouh I dont find that much of a hinderance since the books are free to read.

[Skater Boy]

It is a shame you cant buy refreshments the library, althouh I dont find that much of a hinderance since the books are free to read.

Oh yeah... the free public library system... one of the greatest, and yet most under-rated facilities that we, in the Western World, are fortunate enough to have.

Besides, one can always loan the books and read them elsewhere...