Wondering About the Discrete

[Stroker90803]

I've been wondering about discretion and whether or not most people can be trusted. There have got to be a ton of people out there who are married and can't let their husband or wife know that they are bi because they couldn't accept the situation. How do you handle this? I am one person who would never "rat out" another --- but does it happen? Often? I can understand that two married types are in the same boat and may (not always) have the need for discretion, but the others? I love my wife --- I could never fall in love with a man --- and I keep away from gay-only because I've found that they often want to get emotionally involved. I don't. I just want to play --- and jerking off gets old. And I'm only into SAFE sex. But I'm not Mr Experienced here and would like some guidance. Thanks

[TaylorMade]

no joke, but I'd suggest the book "Worst Case Scenario: Dating & Sex (http://www.amazon.com/Worst-Case-Scenario-Survival-Handbook-Dating/dp/0811832414)" . . .if your SO finds it... say it was on sale in the humor section.

It's part of a series of books (WCS: Travel , WCS: Golf, WCS: Holidays) So if you wanna get one of the other ones too- - there ya go.

*Taylor*

[shameless agitator]

Reeeaally simple solution. Either come out to your wife and get her permission or keep it in your pants.

[Mrs.F]

I very much wish my husband felt he could have told me from the beginning, but we were young when we started dating and we were young when we married, so I do see why he didn't feel he could. But finding out the way I did after 10 yrs. of marriage was NOT a good way either. I still sometimes feel that he's afraid to tell me everything. It's like I hear a little bit at a time over several months. And maybe that's because his needs or desires are changing that much but either way...being honest with the one you love is most important and it's only fair to both of you! :2cents:

[alaskacouple]

I very much wish my husband felt he could have told me from the beginning, but we were young when we started dating and we were young when we married, so I do see why he didn't feel he could. But finding out the way I did after 10 yrs. of marriage was NOT a good way either. I still sometimes feel that he's afraid to tell me everything. It's like I hear a little bit at a time over several months. And maybe that's because his needs or desires are changing that much but either way...being honest with the one you love is most important and it's only fair to both of you! :2cents:

This post says it all!

Dishonesty (of any flavor) is like a disease to a relationship. Once the trust is broken, it can never be fully restored. Better to be honest early on and talk it through than to let it build as a dark cloud waiting to burst and wash away everything you hold dear.

[DiamondDog]

Lots of people refuse to get with people who aren't in an open relationship and who just cheat on a partner.

Other people don't care but don't like being anyone's piece on the side or being forced to be discrete if they're already out.

[ShyBritInMI]

I mentioned to my wife once about sleeping with a man and it got laughed at, eventually she got the attention of a friend of hers and well....we are getting divorced....im not sad i told her but at least now while i wait 6 months for divorce im alone and if i want to sleep with men or women she cant judge me....less guilt being single too.

as for being discreet, i dont have family close to me so i can afford to enjoy the experience and not hide away, which i plan to do!

[Bluebiyou]

Depending on the personality type you're attracted to... the fraction of 'discretion' will vary. Personally, after 100 love affairs in life, less than 10 considered vengance for not becoming their property (0 for not doing their bidding). Only 1 was vengance from hell... called my family... workplace.... ex girlfriends.... prospective girlfriends.... quite a low rate fellow.

The last figure I heard about contracting HIV from an accidental needle stick was 1/300. Assuming the figure from unprotected sex is double that... 1/150 I still only very very rarely consider unprotected sex.

So using unprotected sex as a guideline, I'd say you are playing with fire.
Besides; don't be a fool. My woman knows me better than I know myself. If I was fooling around, she would know it just by her feelings. Most women have that uncanny sense. I screwed around once in my life. Just once. My girlfriend knew just by looking at me. There was no evidence or indication, she just knew.

Yours will know. Don't do it.

[welickit]

If you are a cheat and a liar, what do you have to offer? More cheating and lies? If you said, For Better or for Worse, live up to it, or else get out of it. It is a no win situation.

[DiamondDog]

If you are a cheat and a liar, what do you have to offer? More cheating and lies? If you said, For Better or for Worse, live up to it, or else get out of it. It is a no win situation.

true.

Also in many cases someone else's partner/spouse knows that they're being cheated on and it's all out in the open and easily detectable even when the partner doing the cheating thinks they're keeping it a secret.

They may be even getting some revenge themselves by cheating on their partner who is cheating on them.

[BreeIsMe]

"lies" and not knowing the entire truth are separated by a fine line
I understand that some spouses don't want to know these types of things and want to continue to live the lives that they think they are having. I hate not sharing everything with my spouse BUT there are some things that I know would upset her so much that they are not worth discussing. If you think that is lying then you are entitled to your opinion but we all keep little things from each other, not in a mean or malicious way but to protect those we love from things we feel will/would harm them...

Just a little different perspective...

Bree

[DiamondDog]

"lies" and not knowing the entire truth are separated by a fine line
I understand that some spouses don't want to know these types of things and want to continue to live the lives that they think they are having. I hate not sharing everything with my spouse BUT there are some things that I know would upset her so much that they are not worth discussing. If you think that is lying then you are entitled to your opinion but we all keep little things from each other, not in a mean or malicious way but to protect those we love from things we feel will/would harm them...

Just a little different perspective...

Bree

Why justify lying/cheating on a partner/spouse?

If I were in your situation I would just get a divorce, come clean or end the relationship, or not have even gotten into the habit of lying to the person. :2cents:

[someotherguy]

The ideal answer to the question of trust is obvious. No lies, ever, no betrayals, and no half measures of trust, either. But since people are not born as saints, most lives and relationships have problems to solve, including lies. Discretion is not really about lying, it is about being circumspect, which means disclose information wisely and as needed. Discretion has come to mean "lie like a rug so they don't find out". Discrete means distinct, as separate. Discreet means tight lipped, as circumspect. In the down low life discreet just means lying.

For the pure and good, who never lie, it's not an issue. For the fearful sneakers-around it is a fathomless well of rationalizations, excuses and weasel words such as become absurdly overgrown when the adults whose lies they are did not outgrow them since childhood's invention.

The sad fact for some is that being not-straight means honesty will invite abuse from others, and not the kind you might place an ad for. But everyone has some quality for others to target with abuse. Orientation is not some special case. None of the special cases are. There is only the question of at what age if ever the person matures to the point of being responsible for themselves as they are. That would require honesty with others and acceptance of oneself, nothing to hide or be ashamed of, no reason to sneak around and no idea that sneaky is acceptable.

When I meet someone who is in sneaky mode I regard them as I do children whose wee malformed consciousnesses do not yet sport a healthy, mature and adult character. They require gentle guidance towards the path of righteousness. And they provide amusement in the meantime.

[**Peg**]

...
Discrete means distinct, as separate.
Discreet means tight lipped, as circumspect.

well said!

signed: the former editor

(I had been searching for a way to differentiate between the two without offending anyone, but you beat me to it, and huzzah!)

**Peg**

[FalconAngel]

Fact of the matter is, if you have to lie to your s/o so that you can play around, it is cheating.

If that is the case, then there are issues that need to be addressed in that relationship that far exceed sexuality. Either address them or split up.

If you know, for an absolute (or reasonably absolute) fact that they cannot deal with it, then you are in a relationship that will end extremely badly; for both of you.

No intimate relationship survives dishonesty, unless both people have a vested common interest in staying together.

You think Hillary stayed with Bill because she loved him? She wanted power and he wanted power. She knew that he could open that door for her and keep it open for her. He knew that having her with him meant that he was a viable candidate to maintain that power. Nothing more politically pathetic than a politician who's marriage falls apart while they are in office.

[the mage]

I've been wondering about discretion and whether or not most people can be trusted. There have got to be a ton of people out there who are married and can't let their husband or wife know that they are bi because they couldn't accept the situation. How do you handle this? I am one person who would never "rat out" another --- but does it happen? Often? I can understand that two married types are in the same boat and may (not always) have the need for discretion, but the others? I love my wife --- I could never fall in love with a man --- and I keep away from gay-only because I've found that they often want to get emotionally involved. I don't. I just want to play --- and jerking off gets old. And I'm only into SAFE sex. But I'm not Mr Experienced here and would like some guidance. Thanks

In my personal life I know no one ever being outed by another man.
Same phenominon as with disease transmission, tons of men could lay charges but don't..
No.. the closeted cheaters /liars consistently out themselves with their own actions and cover up lies. Women have amazing sense of smell and wonderful instincts, they out their men soon enough.
Next in line are the media, outing all our political perverts in office.

[jem_is_bi]

I do not like people that lie. But, I do not want to know everything about others who are part of my life and I will always leave some mystery about me. Even if I am in a relationship with someone, I do not want to know all their thoughts and actions and will not share all of mine. I will never meld into one entity with anyone. I am a distinct individual who is different from everyone else. For me to be the unique me, I need both thoughts and activities that only belong to me. So, those I care for, I will try not to hurt or violate my obligation to them. But, I will not tell all about all of me to anyone.

[sometimesitbethatway]

I think that if you plan on messing around then maybe it's something you need to be honest with. If you only plan on keeping it in your head or with porn then keeping it a secret isn't a big deal. Stepping outside of marriage in the flesh, I think is a different story.

I think honesty is best in all situations. Eventually everything is brought to the light and then it can become tragic. But then that's just my opinion..

:2cents: