conflicted and confused...help!

[Nettly72]

For 16 yrs i was married and faithful to one man, we went to church every time the doors were open, had 4 children together, and seemed to have the perfect life together, but the whole time i was struggling with lesbian tendancies. when our marriage collapsed, i met the man who is now my husband. he has been a swinger for 15yrs, and helped me to realize that i'm actually bisexual. i've had one swinging exp, and loved being with the woman in the equation, but really didn't enjoy being with the guy. My husband says i should just keep trying. i guess i have 3 questions, how do you know if you are bi or lesbian, should i give swinging another try, and is there anyway to reconcile my faith with my orientation

[Bluebiyou]

1. Lesbian or bi? Go with your feelings. You're in a period of transition, stop trying to label yourself. Hell, you might realize that after a long time exclusively with a woman, you may need/want a man. Will that make you straight?
2. Swinging? If you feel like it.
3. Reconcile your faith? Probably not to your old church. But faith goes a lot farther. God is still there, and the greatest thing we can do is love one another; sex CAN get in the way (as many other things in life) but doesn't have to. Just because you're bi doesn't mean you're not a spiritual being, God isn't there, or God doesn't madly love you.

Good luck and best wishes!

[bigirl_inwv]

1. I have to agree with go with your feelings. Even some of us who do label ourselves as bisexuals have periods where we feel like we want to be exclusively with men or exclusively with women. Bisexuality can sometimes be a hard thing to define. I think it varies with the person.

2. Swinging is something that both parties have to be equally involved in. You shouldn't do it strictly because your husband wants you to. If that is the case, then you're never going to enjoy yourself. If you don't want to be with the male half of the couple, say that. I think that swinging is a lot about being completely open with all parties involved. The whole point is to enjoy yourself and if you're not then it's a pointless endeavor. My husband and I swing and I'd be more than happy to talk to you about this in private if you would like.

3. Faith is something that is internal. It's not something you have or get simply by being a member of a church. Your faith is something that only you can deal with. I think there is a lot more to it then following the rules and standards set forth by a certain group of people. It's another one of those things that varies greatly from person to person. I'm sure there are many members here who have more experience with this than myself. And I'm sure they'll be more than willing to help you out.

[alaskacouple]

Dear Nettly72,

You are certainly carrying some heavy questions around - but, questions do have answers. You probably will not get the full answers here from us, but perhaps you can get some encouragement to search within yourself to find the answers you seek. Many of us have faced (and do face) similar questions, so know that you are not alone.

Regarding bi or lesbian; Most sexuality studies indicate that we all experience a shifting sexual preferences throughout the stages of our life. In addition, some studies indicate that most people (both male and female) are bisexual in varying degrees, and the degree to which we can accept our bisexuality is in large measure based on our cultural background and training. I think you can answer your question pretty easily by asking yourself; am I attracted to men as well as women, or am I only attracted to women?

Regarding Swinging; It seems to me that most men are more driven by their sexual passions while most women are seeking a deeper connection in their sexual encounters. Swinging by it's very nature revolves around casual sex among many partners. Perhaps you would prefer to limit your 'swinging' to only those who you have come to care for on an emotional level. (Just a thought for you to ponder and discuss with your partner.)

Regarding Sin; This is probably the biggest stumbling block you are facing. There is no way to get around the fact that the Bible condemns homosexuality. There are some interpretations that propose explanations that the biblical prohibitions are based on cultural issues that were relevant in the ancient world but have subsequently been misapplied to 'normal' homosexual attraction. Some of these are well worth studying and do offer some insight into the prohibitions. Some people simply toss out the parts they don't agree with saying that they are not the 'true teachings of Christ'. However, I personally have never been fully satisfied with any of those explanations since they are also modern interpretations of ancient history - and that is always clouded with the interpretors own biases. I think you will have to resolve this issue based own your own study and meditation on the scriptures. I would add that in our own case we have determined that there are many, many prohibitions in the bible that none of us can fully comply with. However, if you look at the Greek root of the word 'sin', you will find that it derives from an archery term which implies a missing of the mark or target. Thus, 'sin' is a missing of the mark of the goodness of God. And this takes many forms - for example; you will find the 'sin' of homosexuality listed right alongside of such things as gossip, greed, anger, slander, thievery, and hypocrisy to name a few. Now Christ said to sin in the least of the commandments is to sin in them all (paraphrased) - thus, no one 'sin' is worse than another - all 'sin' is a falling short of the glory and goodness and love of God. So for us, we try to minimize the damage we do with our 'sin' and trust in the compassionate forgiveness of our creator. IMHO, love covers a multitude of 'sin' and to try to walk through this world and do no harm to others is about the best that I can hope for.

On the same subject, but in regard to non-homosexual 'swinging'. I would encourage you to consider Paul's instructions to Timothy in regards to appointing elders/deacons/leaders of the new churches. He told him to choose men that had only one wife... Now if you think about it for a moment he didn't condemn multiple wives, he simply said for a church leader it would be best for them to have only one wife. It is implied in his statement that multiple wives were not uncommon. So, hope that helps a bit with that question.

Ultimately you will have to decide if you are at peace with your sexual activities in relation to your spiritual beliefs. I would strongly encourage you to not try to bury this issue - our spirituality is a vital part of our total being and we must be in harmony physically, emotionally and spiritually to be content and happy. Your partner should afford you whatever time and understanding is required for you to be comfortable with the 'swinging lifestyle'. If that understanding is not there, I question the long term viability of the relationship.

Best of luck, and do keep us informed of your journey as you are not alone.

[Nettly72]

i am overwhelmed by the kindness and genuine concern in your replies...thank -you all, you've made me feel like i'm not alone in this anymore.

[Bexs82]

Well i went through my whole time at school ever since i was 16 having feelings for women and lesbian tendencies. I know from then i was bisexual, but i denied everything, ive been with two boyfriends who i really loved. the one was great always there, but we tended to argue alot, the second found out the hard the hard way he did not love the same and wanted one thing from me. Im know in a fantastic reltionship with a women, we get on so well and she the same has 3 boys, who i get on fantasitc with. :tongue:

What im trying to say is, do what ur heart tells you, I went through the stage of being confussed, but nnow im happy with my choice, go with your heart.
:female::male:

[bigirl_inwv]

Bump. Because I think this is important. :impleased

[cliffml]

1. don't label yourself, just be comfortable with who your with and enjoy yourself.

2. swinging might not be your thing, don't force it. If your uncomfortable don't do it. Make sure your the one that wants to do it.

3. God loves you the way you are, he doesn't label you. You were born this way. Being bisexual myself i've found myself for years with these same feelings and realized I have to be me.

good luck to you with your decisions and know you've got people here that feel the same way and care.

[someotherguy]

For 16 yrs i was married and faithful to one man, we went to church every time the doors were open, had 4 children together, and seemed to have the perfect life together, but the whole time i was struggling with lesbian tendancies. when our marriage collapsed, i met the man who is now my husband. he has been a swinger for 15yrs, and helped me to realize that i'm actually bisexual. i've had one swinging exp, and loved being with the woman in the equation, but really didn't enjoy being with the guy. My husband says i should just keep trying. i guess i have 3 questions, how do you know if you are bi or lesbian, should i give swinging another try, and is there anyway to reconcile my faith with my orientation

The way to reconcile your faith and orientation is to trust that God will not only accept you no matter what, but that God will also not notice anything you do in the first place. It's a big universe and sexual orientation is not going to ever make it to the top of the to-do list. Religion is supposed to get you to police your sexual behavior so that you: a) avoid unwanted pregnancy, b) do not molest anyone, and, c) resupply humanity with new people. I will let you decided how well religion is doing on these points.

The best way to make sure you are really a lesbian and not just bisexual is to sleep with someone like me. This is because some men, like me, are so potent sexually that our masculinity pervades even into the depths of slumber. If you were to sleep with such a man, like me, and not awake the next morning convinced of your lesbianality, it would conclusively prove that you were bisexual. However if you found that you had slept the night through peacefully, untormented by the hunk of man laying beside you, and upon awakening you were not consumed with an unquenchable desire for what a man like me can give, then you would be a lesbian and hopelessly so. Don't be hard on yourself. It is especially confusing for women when their husband's sexuality is flimsy at best.

[The Barefoot Contess]

Don't be hard on yourself. It is especially confusing for women when their husband's sexuality is flimsy at best.

Am I misreading this, or are you actually saying that when husbands are "flimsy" women get confused about their own female sexuality? Or, in other words, that men are responsible for women's sexuality?