My Wife Doesn't Understand

[rupertbare]

Well I never though I'd be writting this, but here goes:

A little background: my wife of fifteen years has always been aware that I am bisexual and we have even talked of a MMF threesome, something that she has, at times, seemed keen on - but neither of us has ever acted upon this and it remained a fantasy. I have had no sexual contact with a guy during our marriage.

However, in October of this year, a couple of days after our wedding anniversary, I put up a reply post on this site where I admitted to having been in love with the very first (of just just four) male sexual partners I have had, all before I met my wife, in fact over a decade before we met. She read the entry and went completely bonkers!! Her objection seemed to be the thought of my having an emmotional attachment rather than just a physical sexual relationship with another guy. She asked me to leave ASAP, told me that I was a bad influence on our children - even a danger to them, and that to her mind I was a pervert!??!! Well, I'm still here, I have done nothing wrong, or illegal but we aren't speaking.

My concern is - what the heck is going on?? Where has all of this come from? It may help to know that she is into the third year of her menopause - so lads and lasses - any thoughts????

I'm not looking for sympathy - but hopefully someone out there may point me towards some sort of answer or understanding. It's pretty awful at home and the kids don't really understand what's going on - although my youngest (a daughter) knows that my wife has asked me to leave - her tears and cries from the pit of her tummy for me to stay will haunt me for a very very long time to come.

So there you go - and for those who have chatted with me or read posts I've stuck up I hope it gives a idea of why I haven't been around for a few weeks.

With love and Peace from the UK

Rupe :)

[The Cheshire Cat]

Rupertbare, Your post struck a chord with me. I think I understand what your wife is feeling and going through. May I send you a message about it? T.C.Cat

[rupertbare]

T.C. Cat - please feel free to send a message - thank you.

Rupe

[wellred]

My dear friend Rupe,

First, I am very glad to see evidence of you here again. I have missed the trail of wisdom, kindness and humor that your comments bring to this site.

However, I am saddened by your current situation. My immediate reaction relates to other topics that you and I have talked about in the past. I know that you and your wife have experienced great tragedies during your marriage, including most recent ones. (These, of course, have been inter-mixed with blessings.) These tragedies, like a dripping faucet, build-up over time, causing a hightened sensitivity to preceived and real stresses in your life.

I can only imagine the depth of loss that your wife has felt over an extended period of time. Her sense of "life being out of control" must be overwhelming for her at times. Her discovery of your "love of another" probably is another sense of preceived loss.

All this coupled, with her changing body chemistry, (I understand this as a pedestrian in my wife's life) probably causes her to surge with the need to re-establish order in her life -- as sense of control over something/anything, no matter the cost. Hence, she asks you to get out of her life, rather than anticipating your departure (as she may project in her mind's eye).

My understanding of you is that it is easy for you to love more than one person at a time. Yet, you seem to be a very loyal chap. May I suggest that you continue to pull yourself up by those bootstraps and persistently demonstrate that you are committed to her. Listen for signs of her fraility and support her strengths. Your kindness toward her and your children are important to nourish all of you, including yourself.

Continue to let her know that you may love or have loved others in the past, and that you have chosen and continue to choose to love and be with her -- that your bisexuality is part of who you are and you will not let that separate you or your family any more than you would let your eye color or hand dominance alter how you treat people.

You are a wonderful man and I wish to support you in anyway possible.

Please stay in touch. Best wishes.

With Love and Light,
Red

[red_riding_hood_27]

First I am so sorry you are going thru this. As a wife you just found my husband. I am too waiting for the day he is going to look at me and say it is not enough. Maybe (like Red said) saving herself. She might have known that you were involved but this is the first time she has seen or heard that you were involved with another male. It (if it was me) would frighten me. Scares me to think I might not be the real love of my husband. Could be she is thinking that the 15 years of marriage might be a sham. That you were wishing for something else. (I don't know her or you so I can't say for sure) I just know what I am going thru right now. It is hard to imagine my husband with another man much less say he had loved him. I grew up with the thought it is one man and one woman. SInce I am new to the website I haven't been around to read any of your previous post or know what you have gone thru. I do know as an emotional female I don't know what I will be like when I hit menopause. It might hit me that Our marriage was wrong and I stayed for the wrong reason. Right now my emotions are so new and raw. I try to accept him for him. When things calm down maybe ask her again what is really going on. She might have some real issues that never came up all the years of marriage and it hit her when she read the post. I wish you all the best. I was kind of relieve to see that you were married for 15 years. It gives me some hope (smile). You are an encourgement to me.

Sorry my thoughts are random. I talk that way too. Drives my husband up the wall.

Has she ever been on the website? Has she chatted with other wives? It has helped me to chat with others.

Best of luck. You seem really nice. :)

Angela

[csrakate]

Rupe,
First of all, my heart goes out to you and I am so very sorry for the pain and confusion you must be experiencing. Seems like only yesterday that you were posting about your anniversary and you seemed so very happy. I don't have much to add except to suggest that you read and re-read Wellred's post and take it to heart. He seems to know you and your situation so well and as always, has given some very sound advice.

Those of us who have gotten to know you can understand your ability to feel emotional attachment for someone you have loved physically and don't ever feel ashamed for having the capacity to do so. You have done nothing wrong in your marriage and I simply suggest that you continue to love your wife, tell her that she has nothing to fear from the past and that you consider her to a vital part of your future.

Best wishes to you and please know that if your wife ever feels a need to discuss her feelings with someone who has been in a similar situation, I would be more than happy to talk with her. Until then, take care!

Hugs,
Kate

[nubiwoman]

hey Rupert...

.... I feel really sad for your situation, for all of you...

.....I wonder if this is a case of 'the penny finally dropping' for your wife?.. that although she knew about your sexuality she was able to disassociate from your physical expression in a...

'the past is a foreign country, they do things differently there'

kind of way? and although you did fantasise about 3sums.. thats what they were...fantasies...?

..... Maybe reading of your emotional attatchment to a previous lover caught her unawares and tapped into her worst fears.. that being bisexual is not just fantasy for you?.. like reading a book and perhaps not engaging with the plot because it is so very complex... then seeing the play/ film whatever and suddenly it all falls into place...

......I suspect she is in shock and wonder if her coping strategies are further compromised by the huge emotional and physical changes she is having to confront? I can talk in more depth about this privately if that helps?

......I dont believe you have done anything wrong Rupert.. through reading your posts previously i have always been struck by the depth of your love for your wife and your children... Your wife has been confronted with a side to you she never knew existed and it has knocked her for six ...

.......hopefully, when the shock subsides, she will see you as the whole person you are rather than this stranger who appears to have completely overshadowed the Rupert who she knows and loves...

.......I think you just have to stand firm, like a sea wall taking one hell of a battering....

.......I also wonder if your wife might be suffering from depression?.. that would certainly excacerbate her fearful response and make it so very difficult for her to ground herself and process her thoughts clearly..?

.......may this horrible mess soon subside, for all of you..

.......love julie.

ps.. i have just re-read Wellreads response.. i think, like Kate, you have a wise friend there....

[Ratchick]

Rupertbear,
How awful for you.
AN emotional attatchment is SO much worse then a physical act in a womans mind. Especially, if SHE believes you can only have ONE TRUE LOVE. She probably feels betrayed, and unloved herself. Not saying she isn't, just how she may feel. She might feel that she thoguht she was your only one, but now she isn't.

I highly reccomend sitting down with some sort of family counselor or mediator to work it out. Preferably, a forward thinking theropist, or one experienced in the Queer community in general.
You have to get her talking to you again in a non-threaening environment where she feels her opinion will be heard and respected. I hope this works-out for you and your wife. Both for the sake fo your children and you own sanity.

Good luck!

RC

[moongirl]

Hey there Rupert
Can't add any wisdom to what's expressed really - apart from warm vibes across the world. To me it's been like the tide being in and then suddenly wham! it's gone right out - my man went from accommodating my net explorations and me talking really openly about my sexuality & needs, to no, he can't deal with this in our relationship. It happened really fast although I can see the buildup.
So I wonder if a partner "tolerates", even has discussions about possibilities, which gives mixed messages to the bi partner, you go along and somehow hold it all, it gets kinda normalised into your relationship, but then something happens that just tilts the balance. In our case it was that my emotional / sexual energy was going elsewhere as well as to him. And that is a big ask. Only thing is, all the heart-wrenching stuff we've gone thru in the last 18 months, will hopefully help us understand each other & keep a friendship from here as we co-parent our kids.
So if you don't have to leave and can survive the vibe, hold tight, keep the door open, maybe after a period she will be in a space to talk again.

Moongirl

[Mrs.F]

Hi Rupe..
:( I'm sorry you having to deal with this difficult situation!
Being a straight woman married to a bisexual man, I can understand why your wife flew off the deep end the day she read that. She knew you were bisexual and you enjoyed sex with men, but being IN LOVE with one of them was never brought to the table before. You married her and she assumed she was your one and only love! If she felt like I felt the day I found out about my husband, she was scared and panic stricken. There was now more to your bisexual life before her she didn't know about. She already knew of your bisexual side and what you had done in the past, but add love to that and it changes everything. She's hurt, and probably unsure now more than ever of what she really means to you. She's lost and needs to be found. :(

I agree with what everyone has said to you for advice. Most people here know you better than I do. Listen to your good friends (wellred) advice. It's good to have friends who care like this. Good luck to you and your wife and hopefully in time things will turn around for you both! :angel:

[rupertbare]

Thankyou all for taking the time to reply to this thread - as I said at the beginning it wasn't one I ever thought I'd have to post, and it is a very painful time for the whole family - I'm sure that any of you who ever had parents not talking (or screaming at each other - same coin - different sides) fully understand what I mean.

Unfortunately my wife has now read this thread and taken even greater exception to my coming on here???!!! She appears to only be able to take things in a completely negative light at present and the atmosphere here has truly become unbearable - to a point where I am now giving serious consideration to moving out - possibly as a permanent option - I don't wish to but really don't know what else I can do.

If any of you have any thoughts on this further developements please do share - I am beginning to sink into a mire of confusion, pain and (being honest) a bit of self pity. Is staying for the kids a good thing? Don't know anymore.

Sorry if this is all abit "heavy" - but then life often is,

with love from London, UK

Rupe.

[wellred]

Dear Rupe,

This is awful news! I do feel your angst. However, I believe your wife's reaction is very understandable. If you read these comments from her perspective, many of them tend to support you (whom she may see as the devil incarnate) and call for her to change. These comments are also mostly targeted intellectually, rather than emotionally. The emotional plane is where your wife is residing, at least currently. Obviously, she is not ready to hear any of these statements.

Since she is not able to listen to you, the next best position is to work with someone that she respects and relies upon for guidance. The question in hand is: "To whom does she listen"? The person having the most influence over her is her confidante. Some progress may be made, if this person can help bring her peace and help open the two of you to re-connection in another way.

Separation may be the only way to deal with the pain that both you and your wife are experiencing. Yet, your children greatly need the love and support of both of you -- now, more than ever.

However, a question that I regularly ask myself is: "Are my actions taking me in the desired direction?" Doing more of what you have been doing and expecting different results is one definition of insanity.

None of us on this site have the leverage needed to actualize the changes that will foster healing. I do suspect there is something more significant happening here. Please know that you are carried gently in my heart, as I trust you are by many others. Receive support for yourself via friends, family, or professionals.

You are a special soul and deserve much more happiness than you are currently experiencing. I believe this to be true for your wife, also. Know that I am available and await your email if you choose to contact me.

With Love and Light,
Red

[csrakate]

Rupert,
I hate to hear that things have continued to be difficult for you. Like Wellred said, your wife is seeing this thread as a show of support for you and may very well interpret it as casting dispersions on her reactions to this most recent discovery. Please assure her that this is not the case.

Speaking as a spouse who found herself riding this emotional roller coaster of fears and doubts over the years, the discovery that you might have been and could possibly be capable of an emotional attachment with someone of the same sex adds a whole new dimension to the bigger picture. Very often I would try to view my husband's bisexuality as purely a sexual preference and that as long as I continued to fill his need for love and intimacy, I had nothing to fear. I must admit that had I faced the possibility that he could find more than just sexual satisfaction, I wouldn't have felt so secure. The sad part for you is that while this happened in your past...is not part of your present...and most likely non existent for your future...your wife can not see it that way at this moment. This is so new to her right now...her emotions are raw and on edge...she has not been given the time to digest it all and certainly, no one would ever find fault with her for having a rather difficult time adjusting to it all.

My suggestion to you is to allow her some time to deal with this...allow her the right to feel frightened and unsure...and please, don't diminish her fears by acting too rashly right now. What she needs from you right now is to feel safe and secure with your love and understanding and perhaps in time, she can return that same love and understanding to you. If you feel that a trial separation may give her the time and space that she needs to deal with things, then by all means, carry on. But please try not to move out in anger. It will merely exacerbate her already fragile feelings of security within the marriage and will certainly hamper any attempts for the two of you to find a way to work through this.

I also urge you to seek couples therapy. Both of you are too emotionally scarred right now to work this out without the aid of a mediator. There is nothing more comforting than the knowledge that you can lay your feelings on the line in a safe and comfortable setting...a setting that is controlled by a trained and knowledgeable person who can help the two of you to "hear" each other as you continue to "listen" to and try to deal with your own inner fears and anger. And of course, most importantly, remember that you have to keep the needs and interests of your children at heart. You owe it to them to take the time to find the path that will enable you to continue this journey as a healthy, cohesive family.

Rupert...I hope you know that I will continue to hope the very best for you and your family...and whatever the outcome...you will always have your friends here to offer you comfort and support.

Much love and many hugs!
Kate

[nubiwoman]

hey Rupe..,

again i am so very sad to hear how this miserable situation is developing... such wise words from Red and Kate stand alone..

I definitely agree that the time has come for you both to seek professional support .... you are both far too traumatised to make such life changing decisions which will impact heavily on your children... I wonder if your GP might be a good place to start? ...

.....for very different reasons I walked out on my marriage 3 years ago. Like your wife, i had child protection concerns and needed to make sense of what was and wasn't appropriate behaviour between a parent and child...

... we were referred for family therapy on the NHS.... this was incredibly helpful, especially for the children. A child psychologist enabled us all to articulate our concerns whilst providing a crucial safety net for the children separating (my)catastrophic parental anxiety from the bare bones of reality..

I have been divorced just over a year now. My children are :male: 12&14yrs and :female: 6yrs.... they are totally at ease with my sexuality and accept mine and their fathers shortcomings... Family therapy gave them a voice and helped them and me to accept the things we cannot change......

Stand firm both of you... you wont always be in this place you know..

with deep respect to you both..... julie

[rupertbare]

Well folk - I'm back (for a while???!!) - things have taken a dramatic nosedive resulting in my wife leaving me and taking our youngest two children with her - I'm not going to go into details - but things were "mad" in a literal sense for a bried period of time and the fallout continues to drop.

Those of you who know me a little will understand that this is a very painful time for us all - but has had one big "up" to it.

Our eldest daughter rushed home from university to be with me - offering both love and support - I've shown her around this site and the posts I've put up and the threads that I have started and she just sees her daddy shinning back at her. She has now had to go back - essay to complete and hand in tomorrow.

SO thank you all who have posted messages here and in private - it has been a HUGE help.

And to my daughter (and your boyfriend) - if you are reading this - I LOVE VERY VERY MUCH

With love to you all and hoping that this may all have a "happy ending"

Rupe, London UK :tongue:

[WillowTree]

I don't know if you were out to your daughter before this or not, but I think it was a very brave and probably wise decision. Coming from a daughter whose daddy kept ALOT from her and in the end alienated our relationship, I'm sure she is very appreciative at the chance to really know you and grow your friendship.

On another note, I'm so very sorry things have happened the way they have with your wife. I hope the situation resolves itself quickly and in a way you are happy with.

[proud daughter]

TO rupert bare, my daddy.
i am so sorry about mum. i dont know what to do but always remember that i love you so, so much, as do the others, youre our dad and nothing will ever change our love for you.
i am and always have been here for you and i am so proud i love you unconditionally.
i am so happy that you told me, and my reaction is that you are and always will be my daddy.
thankyou to everyone who has supported my dad and i am just sorry that he could not find any support from the people he needed it from-his family. well he know has my full support, understanding and love.
i will keep posting things, i admit i do not know that much/understand bisexuality but it is part of who my dad is and therefore something i feel i need to understand.

daddy, i feel closer to you than i ever have done, even when i was little and you brushed my hair and read me to sleep. and for that i thank mum cos now we have bonded and i have my daddy back.

[Mrs.F]

Proud Daughter:
:) God Bless you child! You are a wonderful daughter and I know that Rupe is very proud right now to be your daddy! He needs your love and support right know more than ever.

I too am here to learn about bisexuality. My husband just told me after 10 yrs. of marriage. I know now that it didn't/doesn't change anything about him. He still loves me like he did before. And I still love him. As I learn on this site...and this site is wonderful... you will come to love your daddy even more.

Brought a tear to my eye :( I'm just so happy for both of you.
hugs and kisses
Mrs. F

[proud daughter]

Also thought i would just add that i know that one of the only things that has kept my dad sane at the moment is this site, and for that i am eternally grateful. to everyone that has helped my dad, or just listened-i owe you everything because you have helped me get my daddy back. due to you he knows he has nothing to be ashamed of and i love you all so much for being there.
also please do not think bad of my mother. she doesnt understand and she isnt willing to, but she isnt all bad. shes non supportive and kinda horrible but not all bad! :)

also daddy-the things i told you last night thankyou so much for being understanding and not being mad i wish so much that i had talked to you along time ago. from now on no more secrets from either of us!! love you.

thanks to you all once again

[csrakate]

Rupert,
Regardless of all the pain and anger that are going through, you must be bursting with pride to know that you have raised a wonderful, compassionate, wise and loving daughter. It must bring you solace to know that she is in your corner and that she loves you unconditionally.

Proud Daughter, you are so wonderful to support your dad the way that you are and I know that he will forever be grateful for your love and understanding during this difficult time for your family. You are wise beyond your years and it is comforting to know that our next generation may very well be filled with individuals such as yourself, individuals who see beyond labels and give love without prejudice. Thank you for sharing your feelings about your dad with us...we already love him but it is nice to know that he has you to count on as well.

Hugs,
Kate

[nubiwoman]

hey Proud Daughter...

I suspect that you are the proud daughter of your mum too.... and, like Rupe, feel many emotions regards your mums perhaps out of character behaviour at the moment?

If this is any consolation at all.. i certainly dont think bad of your mum, nor i suspect, do any of the folk on here who have spoken out to support your lovely dad... i do feel concern for her though, just like with all you children and Rupe as you go through this very tough time...

Like your dad, we are just a cross section of ordinary people, we find common ground through our sexuality needs, not disimilar to any other community such as say a pub for social needs or church for spiritual needs... if ever i can be of support to you PD do pm me and we can talk some more if you like?..

love julie xx

[csrakate]

I do want to reiterate what nubiwoman said...none of us hold your mom in judgement, Proud Daughter. As the wife of a bisexual man, I am well aware of the fears and frustrations that sometimes accompany such a relationship. Please know that we hope the best for her as well.

Hugs,
Kate

[proud daughter]

i do know, but i feel torn in the middle here i DO NOT agree with my mums reaction one bit but....still my mum and if could change her i could. i felt obliged to explain that she isnt all bad but i dont agree with her views and never will.
when my dad told me the only thing i felt was love, i didnt put about her to say 'dont be horrible about her' because i know you arent and to be quite honest this isnt about her this is about my dad getting the love and support he needs to survive.

and i reiterate what i have said before thankyou to you all!
i have looked through previous posts and i have read what my dad has written and all i can say is daddy i finally know you. and guess what...i still love you you silly git!!!

[m.in.heels&hose]

Hello everyone!
i have read this thread over, and i have to tell you all, this has brought a huge tear to my eyes
to my friend rupert,
its great that your daughter has accepted and is over whelmingly supportive, (this has touched my heart)
and to proud daughter,
you have such a wonderful dad, and it pleases me that you are open minded enough to see both side of your parents
im not sure how many of you know this, but gina & i have custady of our oldest neice, and she knows all about me, and she is proud of me and not to mention very defenseful of those who do not understand when they see me out in (semi) public in my heels & hose) but thats another story! lol


thank you for listening , and i hope everyone has a happy holiday season as possible


hugs & kisses
m.in.heels&hose :bibounce:

[Diddybidaddy]

Rupert:
To say your situation is complicated is an understatement. I have just barely skimmed most of the thread attached to the initial posting you made and things just seem to have been going from bad to worse. You have a number of things going on. First of all you are bi. Your wife accepted this until she found out you "loved" a couple of fellows in the past. She, I understand, may now be going through menopause and upon hearing that you posted here became even more enraged. Now your daughter I understand has posted here. Wow!
I believe this requires the utmost skill and tact.
Okay. First off, you can take my advice or leave it. I am just a cyber figure and I am basically irrelevant to what happens in your life.

Secondly, I am posting because I, like most people, don't like to suffer and I think your situation sounds somewhat shitty. A lot shitty. It must be said however that the situation is probably also shitty for your wife. And your kids. Shit. Lots of it.

I applaud you for the courage you have taken that you have posted all that has happened here on a very public site between you and your wife. Bravo.

I would very strongly advise you and your wife and perhaps maybe even your family to go in for therapy.... like yesterday.
You and your wife need to sort out just what is going on. And your children may also need therapy if you and she ultimately decide to part for good.

Try addressing your wife as to what her biggest concern or fear is over the fact that you had male lovers whom you loved in the past. Does she feel jealous? Does she feel you may now leave her? Does she feel she has been cheated into a love relationship with you that was only second best? You can't know that until you ask her. And I would suggest you ask her while in the presence of a therapist. A bi-friendly, i.e. a British therapist who actually believes in the concept and existence of bisexuality, because some do not. Trust me. Check your therapist out first.

Finally I know your daughter means well, but regrettably, her posting on the site which is, granted a public site, crosses boundaries for you, her and your wife. Not to mention the fact that she is probably torn emotionally. This is first and foremost YOUR issue with your wife and HER issue with you.

Just overall, your situation is complicated to say the very least. I highly counsel you to seek a therapist, if for no one else but yourself, if your wife will not go. And ask your children to accomapny you for family therapy if they are unhappy, again if your wife will not come. And if she chooses not to go, that is her choice.

Your situation is not insoluble. You and your wife can stay married and happy and still have your family together with you. But realistically, to do that you HAVE to talk and preferably with a therapist. There may be adjustments or changes both of you may have to make, but it can be done. If you are both willing. Nothing is impossible. Have faith and SEEK A THERAPIST!!! :)

[rupertbare]

OK this is a either going to be a single long post or three small ones - let's see what happens.

Firstly: :tongue: Proud Daughter - I didn't know if you actually would go back yesterday and get round to posting - you had an essay to do (naughty girl - take a sour sweetie!! lol!!) - but gosh I am SO glad you did and maybe I should change (is that possible Drew?) to Proud Dad - especially your very last post - it's vague enough for folk to understand it was a "big thing" and not about daddy being "bi" but without saying what (and that is as it should be) - little darling God bless you - glad you had a look at what I've posted - as I said I've nothing to hide about what I have written here and I'm glad you feel that you now know me a little better.
And talk to people here - they're a great group - as NW pointed out and I said to you yesterday - they represent all types of people, backgrounds and (unusually for web sites) a wide range of ages - from many countries across the globe who have all sorts of "like and dislikes" and meet up here becasue they are either bi or have a loved one who is - it is a place to "find out" about what being a bisexual means. And it was this "Community" aspect that drew me back here - and still does - a real little "cyber-haven" - once more thanks Drew - hope you're pleased with you're little baby!!

OK - three seperate posts :tongue: lol!!

Folks it's so nice to see my daughter here - it was a shock to find out that what she used to call "daddy's little gay secret" was a joke rather than knowledge - as you can imagine the last 48hours have revealed much to each of us and it's all been a positive outcome.

Thankyou all - bear with us on this one - it may go on for a while longer - things are not even starting to be resolved.

Rupe.

[rupertbare]

OK so secondly (long posts can be a strain on the eye - well for some of us older memebers!!! lol!!!) :

Diddybidaddy - thankyou for your thoughts - yes it is an "odd" thread for a public forum - I have folk here that I could have discussed it with in private - but I realised that I wasn't the only person going to have to face this sort of situation - and as it turns out is a situation some are IN and some have been THROUGH - and to those folk a HUGE thankyou - for comments here in the forum and for comments made by private message. Love and peace to you all.

Family therapy is where I'm thinking this will have to go - but first my kids have to come back home - the next post explains a little more about that. Unfortunately our Family GP has very recently retired on health grounds and we have had to registar with a completely new Practice where we are not known and do not know them - so our first point of call is not going to be an easy option - our last GP was a sweetie who knew us as a family very well and had shared many dramas with us!! lol!!

Once more thankyou all

Rupe

[rupertbare]

So thirdly and finally (I can hear the cheers from here):

An update on the situation - there will have been no point to this thread if we do not share it together until is natural conclusion - so bear with me I while longer folks.

Things are very weird and I am soooo missing my babies - my wife has been in touch. They have become "The Three Musketeers" - she has cleaned out her bank account and now they are going on "an adventure" - going to the seaside - just the three of them. I have offered to leave the family home if they wish to return (something that yesterday she WAS asking for).
( I have a small income of a private pension - I was found "unfit for work" - due to alcohol addiction and depression after my first wife left me!!! lol!!! The booze came about because of her leaving - not the reason SHE left - see a pattern emerging - MUST be me!!! rofl!! I haven't had a drink for 14+years by-the-way - just in case you may be thinking that..... But it isn't enough to rent more than a very small room way out of the centre of London where we are living now)

It's a total farce/mess - although she now accepts that being bi is an excuse to get me out - she has even suggested that because pictures of naked young guys (all over - at least - 21) are a "turn on" for me that as our boy is growing up I will be a danger to him (this is something she wrote in a letter she left for me on Friday the 2nd December and was one of a number of things that led to the "blow up" on Tuesday - the day our son danced at an awards ceremony - her parting words as she left the other day were "you sleep with men you pervert you nonce (child sex offender)" and she is suggesting that if a were a "real man" it should have been me leaving the house.

I know this post is the most "personal" and sounds a little bitter but as I say - if this thread means anything at all it has to stay "real" and true to itself.

I offer this next comment as a jest - but was something I was playing around with at the weekend but didn't actually say to my wife

"Bitterness, in turn, creates hatred"
Take the first letters of each word.

Hope this brings out a fuller picture of what has been happening in the last 7 days.

So there we are - rather a lot I know - but real life is "a lot".

God bless you all.

With love

Rupe. (And "Proud Daughter" - thankyou, love daddy)

[proud daughter]

Diddybidaddy: i appreciate your thoughts on this and while i am torn my being on this site is my coping thing at the moment. its nothing to do with what is happening between my mum and dad it is to get to know my daddy. i dont know how to put this but here goes...my mum probably wouldnt like me posting on here but she doesnt have a choice. this is solely between me and my dad. but thanks for all your concern and kind words of advice.
Rupe: i love you! and i wouldnt have said i would be here if i wasnt going to be.

[Mrs.F]

Oh, man......I'm crying now! This has a sadness and a happiness to it. What a twist! I'm so sorry Rupe that things have turned the way they have with your wife. She just doesn't understand, but because she doesn't understand, does not make her a bad person. We all know that! But it still hurts. This is so fresh for me also. Finding out after 10 yrs. of marriage about my husband being bisexual was a shock and a blow to my security. Emotionally I was very hurt. I agree that you need to get your feet back on the ground, get things settled and find a family therapist. And I pray in time that things will turn around for you and your wife and you can have your babies back.

"Proud daddy"... You have a wonderful daughter.....I am so proud of her for being supportive and accepting her daddy for the wonderful guy you are!

Proud daughter....as I said before, you are very special for supporting your daddy. I know it's hard when your parents are split and you feel torn. I know you love both equally. Be strong!

My thoughts are with you all as you struggle through this.
Mrs. F

[rupertbare]

Mrs F. Thankyou for your kind words and also for your openess regarding your own situation.

There is yet another twist to this:

All three older sons have now had a good look around the site - none of them understand bisexuality - it is not a part of their make-up or of their experience. But none of them are horrified or not speaking to me because of it. Surprised maybe, confused a little maybe, but still Dad. Just know me a little diffrently now, and hopefully a little fuller. My eldest liked the site and its sense of Community (and don't we all too!! It's why we all keep coming back!! A round of applause for Drew everybody!!!) and the forums - the spread of concerns and interests that we members share. I don't think he'll be coming back - nor becoming a member - but he was impressed (Including the layout and graphics Drew - you hearing this mate!!!).

So my wife has "outed" me and accused me of being a paedophile by inference in a 'phone call to my eldest...........
(for those who don't know I have two grown up sons by my first marriage - two step children (one of whom has only had me around as the male parent in her life since before full time schooling and is now a very proud daughter!) - and two children with my wife - my "babies".
........and at the end of the day my kids are all 'phoning to make sure I'm OK and offering me their love.

So I'm not sure where this is all going - but I least I have the eldest kids supporting me - I'd not have ever told them that I was bi or that I was "Rupertbare" - but now they all know and it's OK and with one it's cool!! So it's not all bad.

Love and Peace

Rupe
feeling both :( and :)

[rayosytruenos]

TO rupert bare, my daddy.
i am so sorry about mum. i dont know what to do but always remember that i love you so, so much, as do the others, youre our dad and nothing will ever change our love for you.
i am and always have been here for you and i am so proud i love you unconditionally.
i am so happy that you told me, and my reaction is that you are and always will be my daddy.
thankyou to everyone who has supported my dad and i am just sorry that he could not find any support from the people he needed it from-his family. well he know has my full support, understanding and love.
i will keep posting things, i admit i do not know that much/understand bisexuality but it is part of who my dad is and therefore something i feel i need to understand.

daddy, i feel closer to you than i ever have done, even when i was little and you brushed my hair and read me to sleep. and for that i thank mum cos now we have bonded and i have my daddy back.

Hi!

You don't know me, and I have been away from the site for a while, as I have also some problems. Maybe some people think I'm a bit crazy/weird and I laugh at myself to keep going with life, but people who know me, know also for certain that I'm a nice guy and a good listener and friend. (I guess my weirdness is my way of coping with my life, but enough of me)

Proud girl, you've made me drop some tears, even if I was trying not to. Both your parents must be very pround of having such a wonderful and understanding person as a daughter.

Rupert and Mrs. Rupert, yes... I wish both of you could read this post too with an open and understanding mind.

Rupert, I know you are suffering and hurt now for your wife's reaction, but probably she is also hurt for your sincerity, and afraid of the consequences.

As you have posted everything in the open, which I'm sure your wife didn't like or understand, I'm going to post my thoughts here also in the open and not in a private message.

I'm going to try to put myself in both of your shoes' and also as an outsider to try to see the problems as impartially as I can (I know that that is impossible, being a person myself, but I'd try).

I know for experience that when one is angry or hurt, says things that maybe we don't mean, or if we mean it, we say it in a way to be the most damaging it could be, and usually to the people we love most. So I would say to try to forget what it has been say in the heat of the moment and to try to be calm when you speak to each other.

Rupert, even if I don't know your wife, I also don't think she's evil, like your own daughter has said. Probably she's just afraid of the whole situation and how a few details have turned out her world to be crambling. I'd wish you two both, alone or with a good counsellor (no kids present and nobody else either) have a calm chat without attacking each other, just expressing your thoughts and fears in a non challenging way, and of course, not trying to hurt each other... After all, I think that both of you, what you really want is to have a happy outcome of the whole situation, whatever it that be.

Mrs. Rupert, I don't think any of the posts have been against you, maybe just the last one from Rupert expressing his bitterness about what you wrote to him in your letter, and I'm sure that what he was just expressing was his shock at your reaction, after all the years and all the things you have shared and gone through together... None of you had thought that things could have turned out this way...

Rupert, you have to understand that as many that have past through similar situations, have here expressed some of the feelings and fears that your wife might be having at the moment or going through now...

Your wife might have thought that she didn't know you at all after all these years, and as many have pointed out already, that maybe she thought that having sexual fun with men was alright, but having feelings for other people are not fine.

Mrs. Rupert, I don't know if Rupert has been your one and only love in your life (which it could explain your panic reaction), but if you have had another/other boyfriends/husbands in the past, I guess that if things happened in a way that both of you had to separate (and not for falling out), you probably have those feelings for past companions, and probably you have rekindled in your mind from time to time the good times, and the good feelings and love you shared.

Mrs. Rupert, I think the same has happened with Rupert, and he has still good memories and feelings about that person... Hey, even myself, having had some relationships that had gone bad and we eventually separated, I still treasure our good moments together... Love is something that you share and you give, the more you give, the happier you are. Love is not something to keep it for yourself and to be selfish about it. Love is the most wonderful feeling and gift to others.

You never run out of love, you always have enough to give to everyone, your family, spouse, kids, parents, uncles, cousins, in-laws, friends, and people in general... even the guy at the corner shop. Don't miss a chance to give your love... it feels fantastic when you can give love without expecting nothing in return... The world would be much better if everyone would give love for every transaction... Ok, I might be wandering now to my utopic world, so let me get back to more earthy issues...

I think, Mrs. Rupert, that one of the things that freaked you out was that, that Rupert still felt love for other people. Let's see, Mrs. Rupert, is it less the love you feel for your son, because you love also your other children?, is it less the love you feel for your parents, because you love also other relatives?

I don't think that Rupert's love for you, Mrs. Rupert, is less for him loving other people. Do you think he would have stayed with you all these years if he didn't love you? Don't you think that he would have shared with you all his feelings and be openly frank with you if he didn't trust and love you to feel comfortable doing it? Do you think that expressing those inner feelings is that easy? Read or chat with other people that have gone through the same situation. After many years of being married, they finally have taken that very brave step to be totally sincere with their spouses to tell them about those other feelings... That's something to be admired... and why have they done it? Because they love their spouses so much that that part that they have been hiding from them is burning and consuming them inside... Have you preferred that Rupert has not told you about his feelings?

Wow, this has become a very long post and still I want to give more of my thoughts... lol (I would be rich if you give me just a penny for each word in this post... :) )

Ok, then, I'm going to continue in another post, to make it less hard to read...

[rayosytruenos]

Mrs F. Thankyou for your kind words and also for your openess regarding your own situation.

There is yet another twist to this:

All three older sons have now had a good look around the site - none of them understand bisexuality - it is not a part of their make-up or of their experience. But none of them are horrified or not speaking to me because of it. Surprised maybe, confused a little maybe, but still Dad. Just know me a little diffrently now, and hopefully a little fuller. My eldest liked the site and its sense of Community (and don't we all too!! It's why we all keep coming back!! A round of applause for Drew everybody!!!) and the forums - the spread of concerns and interests that we members share. I don't think he'll be coming back - nor becoming a member - but he was impressed (Including the layout and graphics Drew - you hearing this mate!!!).

So my wife has "outed" me and accused me of being a paedophile by inference in a 'phone call to my eldest...........
(for those who don't know I have two grown up sons by my first marriage - two step children (one of whom has only had me around as the male parent in her life since before full time schooling and is now a very proud daughter!) - and two children with my wife - my "babies".
........and at the end of the day my kids are all 'phoning to make sure I'm OK and offering me their love.

So I'm not sure where this is all going - but I least I have the eldest kids supporting me - I'd not have ever told them that I was bi or that I was "Rupertbare" - but now they all know and it's OK and with one it's cool!! So it's not all bad.

Love and Peace

Rupe
feeling both :( and :)

Oh, Rupert, I'm glad for your whole family that more understanding and love is being shared among you.

I wish, and I hope that with time, after a period of healing your wounds, Rupert and Mrs. Rupert, you could also share a true understanding and love to each other, even if the final outcome is for you two to separate, but whatever the outcome might be, I hope that with time, you could be at least friends and very pround parents of such wonderful and understanding family.

Mrs. Rupert, I know that you are hurt, even by some things Rupert has posted. I think that for instance, Rupert saying that you were menopausic, is something that probably has upset you a lot. Try to understand him also, he told you something and even proposed you a threesome, to which you seemed to agree, so suddenly your reaction changed and he doesn't know why, so in his mind probably he has been searching for all sorts of answers why that sudden change of mind.

I guess that the most logical thing for him was to link it to the menopause, with all the hormonal and mood changes that traditionally are associated with it, but he should have known (and by now he probably does) that for many women, menopause is a taboo, and to express that a woman is menopausic (more in a public forum), is something that makes many women to feel upset about it. Some women feel threatened if they are known to be menopausic, because they feel less of a woman than before, they cannot procreate as before, and a lot of things that me, as a man, cannot think about, but that probably some other women with those fears can speak about much better than myself.

So I guess, Mrs. Rupert, that that comment was one of the things that hurt you, I don't know which other comments could have hurt you, and probably you have made also comments on Rupert that have deeply hurt him, probably him not expecting them at all from a partner of so many years and from somebody he loves so deeply.

Mrs. Rupert, I also want to express briefly my thoughts and feelings about bisexuality and gayness. I consider myself bisexual, being attracted to both genders, men and women. Many people believe that bisexuality doesn't exist, for such people bisexuality is just a commodity for perverted minds and people. I don't think so. I would have paid for me being a straight guy and have a normal family with kids in a fairy tale (no pun intended here), but unfortunately I've not been that lucky. I fought against those feelings for many years and it was a lost war, because you cannot fight with something inherent to you, with something that is in your DNA, in your genetic code.

Due to that fight, and not acceptance of yourself (you want to be as normal as everyone seems to be, just like the guy next door), you usually suffer from depression. I guess in this site, a lot of people suffer from depression. I have been taking anti-depressants for years now, and the only thing that has made me feel better is to accept myself like I am, and not to fit into a mold made by a society to fix in it. I have started to accept myself and I feel a lot better.

Mrs. Rupert, I completely understand that you don't understand bisexuality. I'm bisexual and I don't understand it either. I've been trying it for years, and I don't understand it completely yet. I have read a lot of articles and I have gone searching for information to a lot of sites, so I think that for you is something relatively new and a difficult concept to grasp. There are many more studies about gayness, so as bisexuals have a gay part, I have studied those articles and information.

More and more proof is being gathered that gayness is genetic, that is to say, that you inherited, and in some people is shown and in others is not. It's quite difficult to explain here, it would take quite long to explain and it would make my post even longer, but if you are interested, I could explain it in another post. (Keep in mind that there is still a lot of controversy about it, and a lot of pressure from different groups to prove it wrong or right)

Mrs. Rupert, I was shocked, but not surprised for what you wrote/said to Rupert... I mean that your son was in danger with him around. I said that I was shocked, but not surprised. I can understand your fears, and you want to have a secure environment for your children, but let's try to think properly about it.

I think that just for probabilities, there must be some gay/bisexuals fathers that have slept with their sons (let's keep being honest), but i don't think the percentage is equal or higher than heterosexual fathers sleeping with their daughters. The idea of incest is inherent to the person, and not all the gay/bisexual fathers are incestuous and not all the heterosexual fathers are not incestuous (or incestuous for that matter).

So, Mrs. Rupert, if you think without any prejudice about the matter, for the same reason, if Rupert were heterosexual, you should be worried of him taking advantage of your daughter. Do you think he would do it, if he were heterosexual? Has he made any comments to you about your son that has made you think that your son could be in danger with him around?

Has he made any comment like many other parents have, saying that their son or daughter is becoming a good-looking person? If he has, has you taken that comment and over-dissecting it under the microscope for being him bisexual? Do you think that him, being heterosexual, with those comments, you should be worried about your daughter's safety? Or do you think that you would acknowledge the same thought as normal and be proud of having such a good-looking daughter?

Sometimes, for a certain simple comment, we completely take it differently given certain circumstances. Those circumstances could be just our prejudices, and could be wrong.

Again, I want to say that I think I have not taken anyone's side, just trying to be in everyone's shoes and trying then to put things in focus as an outsider and trying to be impartial.

I hope that this could have help you all in any way.

I'd love to hear from you both saying that you have been in amicable terms, whatever turn your relationship has taken. You both have a wonderful and understanding family and you should be proud of them. Sometimes parents can learn from their kids.

I apologize if I have offended anyone, but as you know by your own experience, anything that is said can hurt somebody, even if that was not the original intent.

I want to say also, that I live, I think, close to you all. I live in Paddington, London. So if you want (I'm having my own problems, but I think I can look for some time to help) to have a face-to-face chat with me, I would try to be a good listener and I'd try to answer you in such sincere and impartial way as here.

All the best to you all,

ray

[proud daughter]

Rayosytruenos just wanted to say thankyou. i agree with all of your (VERYlong :) ) posts. you have managed to put all sides across in a way which i didnt think could be done by someone not directly involved and thankyou for that...it has made everything make sense. im sorry you have your own stuff going on and that has made your post all the more special.

thankyou.

[rayosytruenos]

Rayosytruenos just wanted to say thankyou. i agree with all of your (VERYlong :) ) posts. [...]
thankyou.

yw :bigrin: (yw = you are welcome)



ray :male:

[BiShadoman]

Rupe, first of all let me say That My Prayers are wth you and your family, I do so hope that my own daughter grows up to be as fine of a oung lady as yours and have the maturity that yours has displayed, my two sons have nothing to do with me since their mother outed me to them, but I still believe that maybe someday. You need to really think about the way that you say certain things, Like I love this person that I used to be in a relationship with, Yes I to would pop a cork if I read that in a posting from my significant other. The reason, We are in a committed relationship and sex is one thing but to say that you love someone else is a very big NONO. You really have to choose your words alot more carefully cause you never know who is reading them.
Sorry for being gone for so long there have been a couple of deaths as well as other intense goings on. Enough about all that, Just know that you are loved and you are in alot of peoples prayers, God Bless and Keep You and Yours.
Out of the Shados............

[rupertbare]

BiShadoman - thank you for thoughts - especially about the care one should choose to express, at times, exactly how one has felt or about what one has done - the past in best left as a foreign land - remembered but not trodden.

[rupertbare]

Before the last post I'd actually come here to put I few words down about what I've been telling all of my older children for the last several days and that is just this:

I love my wife - I love her more than I have ever loved anyone in my life.
I still "fancy" the pants of off her.
I want her back at home with the kids.

The kids and my wife are in a lovely coastal village in a very beautiful part of England - and my "baby" is 'phoning daily - they needed space and a little bit peace in a stressfree enviroment.

Can I also thank everyone who has sent a private message regarding this thread - they are so very kind and it's really lovely to receive them.

With Peace and Love

Rupe, London, UK :)

[Sparks]

Diddybidaddy: i appreciate your thoughts on this and while i am torn my being on this site is my coping thing at the moment. its nothing to do with what is happening between my mum and dad it is to get to know my daddy. i dont know how to put this but here goes...my mum probably wouldnt like me posting on here but she doesnt have a choice. this is solely between me and my dad. but thanks for all your concern and kind words of advice.
Rupe: i love you! and i wouldnt have said i would be here if i wasnt going to be.
Choice. It's a wonderful word filled with power, and love. You hang in there kiddo. The best for you, and your mom and dad, is just over the horizon. Believe in that simple thought! Listen to your heart. If you can do that, the choice is no longer an issue. You'll feel a warmth in your heart, and you'll be rewarded with an overpowering sense of love and understanding that will carry you through all the day's of your life. Take good care, proud daughter.

[Big-Tonz]

Hey everyone my name is Anthoni, but just call me Tony or tonz, I got this link from somebody, and she was like look at this shit. so i did, im not bi or anything i got my g/f that i love dearly, and i am blessed for having her by my side.

But what i came to say for you rupert, is hold on man, everything will go for the best, it always does. just tell her, if you love me you will listen, and do your best to understand, or pull out some romantic shit, show her how much you care about her. And if you just feel too bummed out man, my advice to you is, go smoke some pot it always helps , and tell your wife to smoke some too, cuz shit, she seems like she probly needs one from being pissed so much. and tell her, look how much years we have been togheter, some misunderstanding like this should not tear our familly appart, and tell your wife to come see this shit, because what i am about to say is for her.

Look, your husband loves you and your famillies, and i dont think he is a pervert, you know, you should understand there is not alot of people her could talk with freely about how he really his, from so much disrespect from the bi/gay peeps, he looks like a caring father and i doubt he would pull something like molesting his own children, if he did not give a fuck about you then why would he post his story to this site.. use a little bit of logic, and you seriously need some fuckin weed.

And rupert man, im sorry about your wife acting like a total.. i wont say it..Good luck dude.

Tony.

[Big-Tonz]

and sorry for my vocabulary, im a teen its somesort of habbit speaking like this.

[rupertbare]

Thank you Big Tonz!! lol!!!

Just thought I'd share a "how sad it that....?" moment:

Caught at the supermarket checkout with a basket containing...........
24 pouches of cat food, two large bars of chocolate (plain) and 1.36litres of milk (that's two pints but we're not allowed to call it that here in Euroland).

A few hours later..............
sprawled on sofa eating bar of chocolate, kitten on stomach watching an Audrey Hepburn movie.

A few hours later still.....Another bar of chocolate and a watching an episode of the 1960's TV hit "The Prisoner" - to be followed by two episodes of MASH

Now if that ain't sad I just dunno what is!!!

lol!!!

Ru :) pe.

[nubiwoman]

what you mean sad?!!

Rupertbare... seems to me you are just getting in contact with your feminine side :tong:

enjoy! julie xx

[csrakate]

Sounds like a glorious afternoon to me!!! I think more men could benefit from the therapeutic effects of chocolate and sentimental television...my kids call it my "Lifetime Channel Afternoon".

And hey....the cat has to eat!!

Hugs,
Kate

[Diddybidaddy]

Caught at the supermarket checkout with a basket containing...........
24 pouches of cat food, two large bars of chocolate (plain) and 1.36litres of milk (that's two pints but we're not allowed to call it that here in Euroland).

A few hours later..............
sprawled on sofa eating bar of chocolate, kitten on stomach watching an Audrey Hepburn movie.

A few hours later still.....Another bar of chocolate and a watching an episode of the 1960's TV hit "The Prisoner" - to be followed by two episodes of MASH

Now if that ain't sad I just dunno what is!!!

lol!!!


Ru :) pe.[/QUOTE]

What exactly is sad about this? A man on a sofa eating chocolate with a pussy on his belly. Granted it's not a human pussy. In point of fact what you did was not pathetic. What you may have been doing was a bit of self-soothing. Even masturbation would have been okay. I think it may be more about how you are perceiving youself: lonely, isolated, perhaps unloved? But what you did in itself is not sad. Seek a therapist Rupert, for yourself and your family. No one likes to be disconnected. Keep trying.
:kiss:

[Mrs.F]

:) Oh, on the couch with chocolate, watching "lifetime channel" is what I do on my days alone. Nothing wrong with this picture at all. Although I have 3 cats, I really don't care to have a pussy in my chest........LOL.

Take care Rupe....it just takes time.

enjoy that chocolate though (as it goes straight to the hips and butt) :rolleyes:

Mrs. F

[rupertbare]

Just a few thoughts…..

I feel that unwittingly this thread become something more like a “blog” than a “forum” – I will try and hold back emotion – I feel some of the things I have written recently would have been better served with the help of a sympathetic editor!! I do feel that I may have be unkind about my wife (more at end) or a little “hard-of-heart”. More “reportage”, methinks.

On the other hand the response has been strong with many comments added, support and advice given – and led a fair few of us to know one-another a good deal better. So thank-you all.

I’m listening to Kate Bush’s LP “The Red Shoes” a fair amount– and tracks 2,5,10 and 12 are getting a lot of plays!!! Good job it’s on a CD and not vinyl lol!!

I just wish to use this opportunity to say that my wife and I were in our late 30’s when we met – her a widow, I a divorcee. We also had kids by our previous partners. We fell in love and decided that we would marry. We did, with both a civil and church ceremony. We chose to express our love for one another and as a symbol of love and life to the world by “trying” for a baby. After much planning (!!1lol!!), much longing, and a good deal of heartache we managed eventually to have our son, together. It caused a bit of a problem for some older kids – but it waned and after a good deal more pain and lose (three miscarriages), added to by nearly losing our baby a couple times during the pregnancy, we finally had our little daughter!!

Things were magical from the moment we touched hands and everything else at the social function we were attending (a “sport’s day” for the church family as a whole) just “faded out” – truly!!! lol!!

I loved her then and to me she was the “great love of my life” and still remains so to this day – sure there is anger, confusion, hurt, resentment and many more emotions running through me – but that is how it should be – we have been caught in a “crisis”. But at the bottom of it all is a flicker of the flame that is our love

The kid’s are expected back on Thursday – they seem to have had a fab time. My two daughters are in contact with me by ‘phone everyday – which is really nice.

With Love and Peace

Rupe, London, UK :tongue:

[csrakate]

So what if it is a blog...you know that we care and want to know how you are...so keep posting and let us know how you are doing!!!

Keep the faith Rupe!!

Hugs,
Kate

[rupertbare]

Thanks Kate :) !!

Well my wife and kids returned last night - both the kids were and are full of hugs and kisses and telling me all about what they have been up to. However, my wife has yet to speak to me. Our eldest daughter gets back from uni for Christmas this Sunday afternoon until early January - so who can tell?????

So that's the latest, folks. Great to see my babes!! :)

Love and Peace from the UK

Rupe

[SweetBlackAngel]

A man and his chocolate bar. It's a beautiful thing. ;)

((((Rupert)))))

Peace and blessings to you. :kiss: