Psychomaze
Feb 17, 2008, 6:51 PM
I wrote this a month ago before I did some deep soul searching and felt comfortable with being Bi hence no longer confused... but its the whole tension of not knowing for sure.
=== start original post ===
Absolutely confused and my whole mental paradyne is upside down now
Of course I've kept it to myself in the form of fantasies that I never spoke of. Though a recent set of events over the last couple of years and sudden recent epiphanies makes me to add two and two and I'm not comfortable anymore.
All the Details here
Okay, a quick back ground on me: I'm female, single and 29 years old living in Florida.
Now to get into details with people I don't know since it seems to better to talk to someone who is anonymous rather than a close friend whose opinion would mean more or hurt more than a total stranger.
The fantasies that I've been having that I've kept to myself for so damn long: It takes multiple forms: Male and Female where during foreplay, its like I'm the male but during intercourse it changes over to female. The other form is threesomes, some times 2 guys and 1 girl or 2 girls and 1 guy... this is random on which combination but in those circumstances I'm always female. Now that I think about it, I've been having it since high school.
Past events that I've written off as awkward: Its not the first time that I've been approached by someone of the same sex, by the time I finished high school, I questioned it then since one was so 'aggressive' in her flirting and the hidden fact that I liked it really ... what's the right word? Um, scared that I don't know of who I am?
My past relationships have not done well: One ended up isolating me from my friends as I developed major depression with failing health, when that failed I made an attempt on my life several months later (I've pretty much left that ex of three years out of mind and had other problems to worry about). Not too long after that, I got into another relationship that lasted for the next four years, but he had a alpha-type personality (which it makes since for being a cop in South Florida) and most of those 4 year relationship was long distance until he moved to Orlando Florida. He wasn't overly a control freak, but it got to the point that I felt that I had to ask permission to do anything that I wanted, from going out to see my friends (who now live next door) all the way to taking a day off of work since my health continued to fail. Then it got to the point that he didn't want to help me anymore while I was feeling the most suicidal.
After that breakup and a two more hospitalizations, I was re diagnosed as bipolar and have now been improving in health because of receiving the right treatment.
But that last relationship was the most experimental and enlightening.
Near the start of our relationship and my first time being naked in front of someone else other than my partner we all had a cuddle fest and he had no problem having sex with another girl but had a big issue with me touching anyone else.
There was one girl whom I've known since college and who was at the event, talked in confidence with each other revealing that we were equally curious but it was just talk... nothing came out of it.
A few years later, which was including last Christmas where we were hanging out with two close friends, one guy who I had the hots for a long time and a girl whom I mentioned before. My ex joked about playing a game of strip poker and so we did. We all got naked several times to the point that we got bored of playing poker and just stayed nude to cuddle and massage each other on the couch. That is as far as it got that night.
A few nights later everyone was at mine and my ex's place and we watched TV in the bedroom on a king size bed. That lead to fooling around as well that included oral sex with some and heavy petting with others. What left the major impression on me was that I couldn't keep myself from ... oh god, I'm blushing here, that's embarrassing... touching, massaging and keeping my lips off of her breasts. Her skin was far more pleasing than the hairy chest of the men.
The third and last event did not go so well on New Years 2007 since my ex became too demanding, bossing, and dominating. It killed the mood and ended the whole 'friends with benefits' bit.
These whole events were put out of mind since 2007 was a bad year for me - suicidal, breaking up, moving 4 times, 2 hospital stays, losing my job for being too sick to work, and filing for disability. It wasn't until the Christmas and New Year's holiday where I was able to lighten up and saw all three of them over time. With my Ex, nothing was mentioned of it - I tend to be friends with them but never hook up with them ever again. The New Year Eve's bash (The ex wasn't there due to work) was full of banter. She (who is a big flirt anyway) played around with doing booby grabs and butt smacks, in which she got some in return. Its all good fun and its a common thing among all of us ... strangely. What was different was that we got some diet soda and a box of mentos (to spray up in the air like champagne bottles) but when she gave me my mentos candy she put it into her mouth and kissed me to deliver it.
Wow, I wanted more but couldn't say it or hint it.
As that party winded down and most of the people went home, I was chatting with my other friend who was there (not the ex) and the sexuality topic came out. He mentioned that he was talking with other people about me and were debating what sexuality I am. Even though for the life of me, I couldn't get him to reveal names, but it seemed to be mutually agreed upon that in their eyes I'm bisexual though never said it.
That was the epiphany. Things suddenly added up in my head.
That was when I confessed to him that I actually did like that mentos kiss earlier that night but asked him not to say anything until I find out for certain that that I'm comfortable with it.
If I was a magic 8 ball, the answer would be "All signs say yes" but, I'm not comfortable with it. Is it something that I can accept, and how? My first thought was to let the idea sit and the acceptance will come over time but the question is now burning in my mind to the point that its distracting. I guess that's why I thought I would join a community and get it out in the open. And perhaps as another friend mentioned since the way I've been after the break up, if I don't receive permission in one way or another, I honestly can't accept it or enjoy it or have a full blown panic attack over it. I've been doing every thing I can to break out of that, but I'm honestly lost and confused.
=== end original post ===
I'm sorry that this is really long and on how its daunting for someone to remain focus enough to read something so long before replying with a tl;dr...
Aside from showing this to my friend by link. Any thoughts and comments would be greatly appreciated.
=== start original post ===
Absolutely confused and my whole mental paradyne is upside down now
Of course I've kept it to myself in the form of fantasies that I never spoke of. Though a recent set of events over the last couple of years and sudden recent epiphanies makes me to add two and two and I'm not comfortable anymore.
All the Details here
Okay, a quick back ground on me: I'm female, single and 29 years old living in Florida.
Now to get into details with people I don't know since it seems to better to talk to someone who is anonymous rather than a close friend whose opinion would mean more or hurt more than a total stranger.
The fantasies that I've been having that I've kept to myself for so damn long: It takes multiple forms: Male and Female where during foreplay, its like I'm the male but during intercourse it changes over to female. The other form is threesomes, some times 2 guys and 1 girl or 2 girls and 1 guy... this is random on which combination but in those circumstances I'm always female. Now that I think about it, I've been having it since high school.
Past events that I've written off as awkward: Its not the first time that I've been approached by someone of the same sex, by the time I finished high school, I questioned it then since one was so 'aggressive' in her flirting and the hidden fact that I liked it really ... what's the right word? Um, scared that I don't know of who I am?
My past relationships have not done well: One ended up isolating me from my friends as I developed major depression with failing health, when that failed I made an attempt on my life several months later (I've pretty much left that ex of three years out of mind and had other problems to worry about). Not too long after that, I got into another relationship that lasted for the next four years, but he had a alpha-type personality (which it makes since for being a cop in South Florida) and most of those 4 year relationship was long distance until he moved to Orlando Florida. He wasn't overly a control freak, but it got to the point that I felt that I had to ask permission to do anything that I wanted, from going out to see my friends (who now live next door) all the way to taking a day off of work since my health continued to fail. Then it got to the point that he didn't want to help me anymore while I was feeling the most suicidal.
After that breakup and a two more hospitalizations, I was re diagnosed as bipolar and have now been improving in health because of receiving the right treatment.
But that last relationship was the most experimental and enlightening.
Near the start of our relationship and my first time being naked in front of someone else other than my partner we all had a cuddle fest and he had no problem having sex with another girl but had a big issue with me touching anyone else.
There was one girl whom I've known since college and who was at the event, talked in confidence with each other revealing that we were equally curious but it was just talk... nothing came out of it.
A few years later, which was including last Christmas where we were hanging out with two close friends, one guy who I had the hots for a long time and a girl whom I mentioned before. My ex joked about playing a game of strip poker and so we did. We all got naked several times to the point that we got bored of playing poker and just stayed nude to cuddle and massage each other on the couch. That is as far as it got that night.
A few nights later everyone was at mine and my ex's place and we watched TV in the bedroom on a king size bed. That lead to fooling around as well that included oral sex with some and heavy petting with others. What left the major impression on me was that I couldn't keep myself from ... oh god, I'm blushing here, that's embarrassing... touching, massaging and keeping my lips off of her breasts. Her skin was far more pleasing than the hairy chest of the men.
The third and last event did not go so well on New Years 2007 since my ex became too demanding, bossing, and dominating. It killed the mood and ended the whole 'friends with benefits' bit.
These whole events were put out of mind since 2007 was a bad year for me - suicidal, breaking up, moving 4 times, 2 hospital stays, losing my job for being too sick to work, and filing for disability. It wasn't until the Christmas and New Year's holiday where I was able to lighten up and saw all three of them over time. With my Ex, nothing was mentioned of it - I tend to be friends with them but never hook up with them ever again. The New Year Eve's bash (The ex wasn't there due to work) was full of banter. She (who is a big flirt anyway) played around with doing booby grabs and butt smacks, in which she got some in return. Its all good fun and its a common thing among all of us ... strangely. What was different was that we got some diet soda and a box of mentos (to spray up in the air like champagne bottles) but when she gave me my mentos candy she put it into her mouth and kissed me to deliver it.
Wow, I wanted more but couldn't say it or hint it.
As that party winded down and most of the people went home, I was chatting with my other friend who was there (not the ex) and the sexuality topic came out. He mentioned that he was talking with other people about me and were debating what sexuality I am. Even though for the life of me, I couldn't get him to reveal names, but it seemed to be mutually agreed upon that in their eyes I'm bisexual though never said it.
That was the epiphany. Things suddenly added up in my head.
That was when I confessed to him that I actually did like that mentos kiss earlier that night but asked him not to say anything until I find out for certain that that I'm comfortable with it.
If I was a magic 8 ball, the answer would be "All signs say yes" but, I'm not comfortable with it. Is it something that I can accept, and how? My first thought was to let the idea sit and the acceptance will come over time but the question is now burning in my mind to the point that its distracting. I guess that's why I thought I would join a community and get it out in the open. And perhaps as another friend mentioned since the way I've been after the break up, if I don't receive permission in one way or another, I honestly can't accept it or enjoy it or have a full blown panic attack over it. I've been doing every thing I can to break out of that, but I'm honestly lost and confused.
=== end original post ===
I'm sorry that this is really long and on how its daunting for someone to remain focus enough to read something so long before replying with a tl;dr...
Aside from showing this to my friend by link. Any thoughts and comments would be greatly appreciated.