Women, Marriage and Children

[bigirl_inwv]

So I've been married for 8 months now. Prior to those 8 months, the question was "So when are you guys getting married?" I heard that so many times, I can't even count. Now the question has changed to "So when are you guys having kids?" Now, while I think this is a stupid question to ask someone, I understand that following "social norms" that is the next step. My problem is when I tell people that I don't want to have kids, they look at me like my skin is turning purple. This bothers me for a number of reasons.

1. You asked the question. Be prepared for the answer.

2. Just because I have a vagina DOES NOT mean that I want to push a 6-10 lb baby out of it.

3. When I tell you I don't want to have kids, don't assume that means I don't want to be a parent.

Do I want to physically HAVE a baby, no, I don't. Babies are big and my vagina is little. It hurts. I've watched people have kids before and it's not something that I want to go through. But do I want to be a PARENT...yes. Yes I do. I just think that there are thousands of kids in foster homes that need a family and there is no sense in me bringing another child into the world when there is already one that needs me.

So how many of you have run into this? How many women here don't want to have kids? And by all means, feel free to disagree....just do it nicely :tong:

[TaylorMade]

You too?

When I was dating my ex. . .people did ask me about marriage and children. . .I said I wasn't planning on having any (probably shocked my ex more, him being a Catholic and all). . .and people were just freaking shocked.

Laken, did they do the "You'll change your mind..." schtick?

Let Wanda Sykes Help you out there. . . They're alot of work . ..but they're worth it. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBC55NIcDMU)

*Taylor*

[the mage]

The bias is SO strong my Lady has been unable to get her tubes tied here in Ont.
The docs say shes too young.. may want kids later,,blah blah bullshit.
Women need control of their own bodies at ALL times, not when the government approves..

[GreenEyedLady(GEL)]

I've never wanted to give birth to children for pretty much the exact reason Laken . I felt that way at your age , I feel that way now at 35. Altho, I have had a pattern of dating men and women who already have children. The idea does appeal to me, but ive never looked at myself as a mother but more of a figure those kids could go to for guidance. It is sad that it isn't easier to adopt, and I've often wondered who gets the money after you've basically bought a child for 20 grand or more. Where do those figures come from anyhow ? lol Anyhoo, If you get into foster care or adoption I wish you well. And for those pressing you about kids, remind them your still close to being a kid yourself. Why be bogged down when you don't have to be. Good luck ;-)

[diB4u]

LOL We can never be happy for who or what we want.

I want children, but have fertility problems... so cant

I want to be in a good long term relationships ideally two and one for recreational.

Hmm marriage is a strange thing not everyone is 'cut' out for that.

Spending the rest of my life waking up next to someone, whilst in principle sounds ok, pratically no way!!!

[shameless agitator]

I knew at 20 that I wanted a vasectomy, but they wouldn't perform one on anyone under 25 even though I already had a child. Part of it was they wouldn't do it while he was a baby in case he died & I wanted to have a <b>replacement</b>. I finally got it in my 30s and they still had to ask me if I would want to have another if he died.

[MarieDelta]

Not sure I would want kids , even if I could have them.

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I can't see passing along any genetic defect/s that I have (and there are quite a few).

Also , at this point , it would take an act of god, as those parts are gone.

Several things remind me of my own struggles with the medical establishment here though too.

For gender surgery, there are an incredible amount of hoops to jump through to prove that you are sane and you know what the transistion entails. Over and over again. Everytime you switch doctors, or even go into an urgent care clinic, you are veiwed with suspision.

[texasman6172003]

Hi Laken,Imknow you prolly wanted answers frome the lady's mainly. Well my wife and i went through 8 years of infertility hell as the both of us had problems as far as conception was concernd. Finally we had had enuff after one stillbirth and 3 miscarriages. I know it doesnt sound like that is a concern for you though. I guess my point is if you want to adopt do so,if not dont. But do it because y'all want to... We considerd adoption but with that also comes the chance of not knowing the background of the childs parents, We finally decided not to adopt and be happy with the 2 of us.And we have not looked back. Like i said just do it for you and yur hubby,know one else Hon. Sorry for rambling,but felt like responding to this since it touched me. I just wanted to help. Any way thats my :2cents:

[bigirl_inwv]

Laken, did they do the "You'll change your mind..." schtick?




Oh yeah. Thats usually what follows the stare.


I could understand if this was back in the old days. I mean, back then you had to have lots of kids to keep your family going, to help run the household, etc. But with the advancements of medical technology and the likes, we don't have to worry about those things anymore.

And plenty of people live full and healthy lives without having children at all.

I'm not saying that if I got pregnant I would be angry. Just having the ability to have a child is a blessing and if it's meant to happen then it will. But I'm not going to do anything to facilitate it. There are still many many things I want to do with my life before I have to focus on bringing up another human being.

[The Barefoot Contess]

I have never wanted to get married, and I have never wanted to have children. It is amazing how many people do not understand that there is nothing wrong with you if you don't need marriage and children in your life. I have written about why I reject marriage in another post, so I won't repeat myself. As for children, what really gets me is the sense of superiority some parents show, as if you are not complete unless you have children ("there is no other experience like it"). Also, when they say things like "you'll change your mind"... why don't they understand that their ideas about fulfillment and happiness are not mine? I can be happy single and childless.
It seems to me that a lot of people have children because they feel they have to and do not really think about the consequences of their decision. I have seen couples have children because they thought that would "help" the couple with their problems, because their friends had children, because their parents wanted grandchildren... That is plain and simple selfishness. You want to have children because you think you can help them have a life that is worth living, not because they will fill a void in your life.

[mistymockingbird]

I've never wanted children. Primarily because I don't care for children much and never have. I babysat a total of three times when I was in jr high and that was enough.

I got married young and people said "oh, you'll be pregnant in a year." Well 10 years of marriage never once wound the baby clock. Our family asked for a while but eventually got the picture. Having brothers that started popping out grandkids helped. A couple of years ago my mom leaned over to me and said, "I don't mind that you've decided not to have children, but I'm so glad that your brother did."

Now that I'm divorced I'm even more resolute. I've warmed to my nieces and nephew but I still don't generally care for kids. My family accepts that about me but I've had other people say, "but don't your nieces and nephew make you want some of your own?" And that answer is no. They are pretty fabulous kids but even they still ooze and get cranky. I'm quite content to be the cool aunt that gets to leave at the end of the evening.

I know who I am. I know what types of sacrifices you have to make to be a truly good parent, and quite honestly, I don't want to make those sacrifices.

For a long time I felt the pressure of the accepted social norm. The one that says I should get married and pop out a bunch of kids and have a house and a picket fence. But I'm over that. Because I know that those things are not what makes me happy. And the people in my closest circle, get that about me. And wisely do not ask me to babysit.

[shameless agitator]

Great post Misty. I used to ask people to babysit for me as a way to show them they didn't really want kids.

[kitten]

I am a mom of two teenagers and married 26 years. I love being a mom but it didn't come easy. We were married 6 years before the first pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. 6 years later the second and then immediately the third pregnancy which were both difficult but gave us 2 lovely kids.
We were asked the question many times and mostly with lots of insensitivity to what we were facing with financial and medical difficulties. I learned to just nod and smile and say thanks for your encouragement.
After having kids, then the questions turned to other expectations about what schools, what camps , what sports, what lessons, and now what kind of car will they drive, what high school clubs and volunteer organizations, what college will they go to.
The insensitivity remains and the nosiness continues.

I have learned even more how to have a "duck's back" and let it all just run off like water.

Stand tall and take care of you and your family as it is and as it shall be.

Hugs,

[12voltman59]

I am glad that so many others in this post are like me---they have no compulsion to have kids----I never did---it was not that I had a bad childhood or anything---my sis and her husband have also elected not to have kids---we all have cats and/or dogs and our parents--thankfully are not the kind of parents that say "when are we going to give us grandkids?" They pretty much know that all they have are gonna have are granddogs and grandcats!!! LOL

My sis and I joke that we somehow did not inherit the "breeding gene."

It is something that you get this reaction from people that you are somehow not a "real person" if you don't have kids--

It was not that I really objected to having kids---as a rule--kids are cool--it was having to deal with the other parents that I did not want to do--and I did not want to have to do all the kinds of crap that "you are supposed to do for your kids" like be a soccer mom and dad, do T-ball, little league and all that other stuff.

I feel sorry for the poor kids these days--now they have to have this big list of shit that needs to be checked off so that they can complete and compete in order to get a slot at a good college---they can't be just kids anymore---when I was young--we basically did unstructured stuff like played pick up baseball or basketball games, played kick the can till midnight---things like that----

It can't be that way today---- today you have to get your kid a day planner or blackberry to coordinate their schedules---

For family vacations---I would have liked to have done things like I did as a kid--take week long trips up and down the Ohio River visiting all of the little towns along the way---but today---you would not be able to do much of that since there would never be enough time free since your kids have to take part in the different sports team schedules!!

You could not even take weekend river trips since that is when most of the tournanments and such take place.

As far as your age is concerned---you still have more than enough time to consider to have children--having children is not something that you should rush into and don't allow yourself to be---in spite of any pressure you may be getting from certain quarters to have them----it is your life and for certain--if you do not feel you are not in any way equipped to have children----then do not have them----as someone said--you could always adopt later in life---there are plenty of great kids out there who need to be part of a family.

[**Peg**]

...So how many of you have run into this? How many women here don't want to have kids? And by all means, feel free to disagree....just do it nicely :tong:

bg... so wise (and compassionate) for one so young (compared to me at your age, that is). As long as you and hubby are on the same page, adopting is a wonderful idea: the world is (sadly) full of unwanted children God Bless Them.. and you two.

good luck :)

**Peg**

[innaminka]

15 or so years ago, I would have responded quite negatively to your stating you don't want children.
No more. (And it has nothing to do with the fact that my 2 "angels" - 15 &17 are still bum up in bed on a Sunday morn at 10 am! :eek::eek:)
My personal thoughts now are that you have come to a considered opinion after a lot of soul-searching and despite (probably) immense peer pressure to give birth.
Having children does not make a woman or a marriage; neither does not having them. It should be each individual's/couple's choice
I cannot contemplate life without my daughters - they made me (repeat me) feel complete, but just as important is your decsion not to.
Be strong and follow your heart.

[tatooedpunk]

I know i'm male and not the one giving birth,but even when i got married i most definetely did not want kids.
After 7 (fantastic) years of marriage we talked and though i still felt i would be a shit dad and did not want kids my wife got pregnant and purely through seeing how happy she was i came around.
I now have a 3 1/2 year old son who is totally awesome, it is the single most amazing thing i did with my life
Just my opinion though

[darkeyes]

Havin babbas is luffly.. for otha peeps.. not for me ta. Watched Lou bein born an wile it wos amazin..it also scared the poop outa me an reinforced (if ne reinforcement wos necessary) me life long determination that babbs aint summat me eva wonts 2 hav. Wos ther supportin me partner who didn hav that hard a labour an delivery an yet saw that it wos summat me cud an will neva eva go through. The crushed hands wich me ended up wiv wer 1 thing, an wos glad that me wos ther for Kate 2 hav hands 2 crush.. but no..aint gonna go through a pregnancy an a childbirth.. it jus aint in me. We hav Lou, we hav each otha..an now cosa family tragedy we also hav Kate's younger sister/daughter 2 raise so our family is complete tyvm. (the sister/daughter bit ere aint wotya think so clean outya minds!)

Am honest enuff 2 admit thotta havin me own babba always has scared me silly, partly outa vanity, in part outa plain ole fear a the consequences woteva they may b, an hav neva felt the need or desire 2 hav me own child. We hav discussed me havin a babba at sum stage in the future, only recently in fact, but hav simply dismissed it as a neva will happen.. by natural or artificial methods of conception... (an yas knows wot me thinks a guys an me an sex!!!!).

Not every woman feels the need or want 2 hav her own children..me luffs kids an am very gud wiv em an believe it or not hav the patience of a saint wiv the lil sods.. but jus cos we don want our own don make us ne less worthy or womanly for all that. So me undastands ya point perfectly well BiGirl..an gud luk 2 ya babes!

[biupstateny]

So I've been married for 8 months now. Prior to those 8 months, the question was "So when are you guys getting married?" I heard that so many times, I can't even count. Now the question has changed to "So when are you guys having kids?" Now, while I think this is a stupid question to ask someone, I understand that following "social norms" that is the next step. My problem is when I tell people that I don't want to have kids, they look at me like my skin is turning purple. This bothers me for a number of reasons.

1. You asked the question. Be prepared for the answer.

2. Just because I have a vagina DOES NOT mean that I want to push a 6-10 lb baby out of it.

3. When I tell you I don't want to have kids, don't assume that means I don't want to be a parent.

Do I want to physically HAVE a baby, no, I don't. Babies are big and my vagina is little. It hurts. I've watched people have kids before and it's not something that I want to go through. But do I want to be a PARENT...yes. Yes I do. I just think that there are thousands of kids in foster homes that need a family and there is no sense in me bringing another child into the world when there is already one that needs me.

So how many of you have run into this? How many women here don't want to have kids? And by all means, feel free to disagree....just do it nicely :tong:



Good for you!!! I aggree totally. Woman are not here just to push out babies. I made the decesion never to have children when I was 18 years old. It hurt my mothers feelings knowing she'd never be a grandma, but she also has a son that can make her some little ones!!! Adoption is the best way to go. Why bring a child into this corrupt world that is just falling apart, when you can adopt a child that NEEDS a loving, caring home? It just makes more sense. On the other hand, if the husband wants a biological child, then there will be things to talk about. If he agrees on adopting, then there ya go!!! I've been questioned also about not wanting children, but rarely explain myself because people don't need to know my choices. If you don't want to hear the answer (from any woman) then DON"T ASK!!! We have choices. But I honstly do beleive that if the husband wants a biological child, its only fair not to deny him. Anyway, why should adult women push out children? Don't we have 15-16 year olds doing that for us???? (sarcasim) I guess that would be a different thread!!!

Today Im 33 years old and getting married in 13 days! My fiance has two beautiful boys 8,10 that I love dearly. I am lucky with my life and not to have brought children into the world. I would never change my decesions.

Good luck to you in your marriage.

[void()]

We don't want human kids here either. Folks look at as strangely as well, but we don't worry over it. One size doesn't always fit all. And the differences make the world spin along nicely.

[the mage]

I did in fact raise a son with my first wife.
She wanted it, I relented, out he popped.
I don't for 1 second regret his arrival 26 years ago.
He's strong, on his own, doing well, still a friend of mine.
I encourage him too, to not have kids.
Not in todays climate.
My son has grown to be a good guy, but he did not ever make me more "whole" as a man, nor my wife whole as a woman.
She in fact found herself years and years later as do so many....

[bigirl_inwv]

Of course. I didn't want to have kids, and I didn't plan to have kids...but it's not the child's fault that I was irresponsible with my decisions.

[bigirl_inwv]

I had said I didn't want to have kids...I was irresponsible in that, if that is the choice I made, I should have taken precautions to make sure that didn't happen. I wasn't on birth control and my husband and I didn't use condoms. I'm smart enough to know what the consequences of that can be.

[pandanightlife69]

this is an interesting post thank you. Here is my thing. i am in steady relationship with a wonderful man for 7 1/2 years this Feb 26 would be our 8th year together. Yes we have our problems but we always get through them. Recently I met one of his friends girlfriend at a convention, the first question out of her mouth was "So when are you two going to get married?" I felt very angry at that. Someone that i just meet asking that question. We have decided we do not want to get married because it just a piece of paper saying who are with. As long as we love each other and treat each other right it will be no problem, plus i have friends who got married and then they got divorced years later and still have problems with their exs. We do not want kids but again every one says "you will change your mind you are still young" I will be 30 next year. I do not want them because i do not think my body can handle it plus there are heiratary disease that i can pass to this child. if by accident i do get pregnant then so be it i will love the child but i am not trying to have it. if later in life i want to be a mother i am going to adopt. there are many children who are great children but because their mothers can not take care of them they are thrown to the waste land. l like children but it is a personal choice that women and men have. plus my mother is not ready to be a grandmother even though my eldest brother is married and everyone is telling him to start baby making. well that is my:2cents: thanks for letting me say it.

Pam

[Falke]

We have been quite fortunate that we haven't been too bothered in regards to this matter by our family. That and it does help that at our wedding, I made a general anouncement that anyone asking about that would "Be sent to the Eastern Front, and there they will be shot!" :bigrin:

Anyhow, we have resolved not to bother with kids. If they happen...well they happen. However, we are taking steps against that happening. We are just having too much fun and are still trying to get a good life going for ourselves. Having a kid would seriously hamper that goal.

[darkeyes]

Wos jus my luk 2 fall head ova heels for sum 1 who already had a child.. didn kno 'er as 'er daughter then a course but as 'er sista.. but since the deaths of 'er parents things hav changed ther an Kate an 'er daughter now hav the sorta relationship a mum shud have wiv 'er lil girl. We had a spat a cuppla years bak an split up. Kate did the worst thing she cud do an that wos get preggers an exacerbated that by marryin the father... it cudn an didn last for all sortsa reasons not least a wich wos me wos always waitin in the wings broodin' an waitin 2 pounce. Sounds dreadful but its the way it wos..an a lil help from Kate's daughter, wily sneaky but luffly lil cow that she is, wos the catalyst for us gettin bak 2getha...

Well 'ere we r, Kate, Shiv, Lou an me.. a family wich me neva believed me wud eva hav an 2 b honest..neva wonted.. hav always been sum 1 who likes a gud time.. spoilt..a bit tarty.. certainly self centred an absorbed wiv meself an like things me own way. Luff 2 do me own thing wiv no by your leave 2 ne 1...go wer me wonts.. do wot me likes... an in the past..who an all... well things hav changed a lot since Kate breezed bak inta me life.. an since er dad sadly died espesh so much has changed... we now responsible for 2 gorge lil girls who me jus cant imagine not havin in me life... hav even been floored by the fact that me has been allowed 2 adopt 1 as me own.. am sad that me cant do the same for Lou but ..well she has er dad an all who we jus cant keep outa er life an wudn wan 2..

.. fact is tho.. life is betta now than its eva been... sure they a cuppla pains in the bootie..always demandin summat or otha in ther own diff ways.. Shiv seems 2 hav adopted me as er role model..wich is nice.. not wise...but nice.. an we share much the same wicked sensa humour.. an a common luff a music an espesh of acoustic an spanish guitars. But me looks at er an c's er mum.. not 2 look at mayb..jus the way she holds er head...or smiles..an she talks wiv the same plumminess wich me so adores .. an lil Lou is so obviously gonna b er mums daughter.. much quieter an a lil more thoughtful me thinks..tho she only jus ova year old so ther a lot more growin 2 er yet... an thats me babbas.. me world... hasn stopped me havin fun..has made me cut out certain kinds a fun..but in the main our life is a ball cos ther diff kindsa fun 2 b had wiv the kids an ther mum... we, Kate an me will still go out an hav fun.. but thats our lil treat... the main task 2 hand is 2 lil girls who r so much a part of who we now r...

Will neva hav a babba of me own..in the sense that will neva get preggers... its at 1ce 2 scary an me 2 vain 2 look like side of a house an wear materniity gear??..not for me ta... but do hav me lil family.. an sure they do all interefere a lil wiv how me wud like 2 liv me life...but don regret that.. least not as much if they wernt ther 2 interfere.. that me wud regret..big time.. but ther so much fun we hav as a family an ther is a lotta laffter an music in our world.. an if me lifestyle has changed then so wot?? Life is gud 2 us.. betta than its eva been..certainly far as me is concerned.. wot more can me ask???:bigrin:

[CuddlyKate]

We had a spat a cuppla years bak an split up.
A spat, lady? It was hardly a bloody spat!!!

[darkeyes]

Me knos. Me knos dear heart...but the makin up has been such fun....:tong:

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

I understand this completely. I was told after an accident that I would never be able to bare children so I never really minded, That wasnt on my want-to-do-list. I wanted a good education, great job and career instead of having to go the whole "Get married and settle down to raise fat, healthy babies"
Well, evidently Mother Nature or the Spirits had other plans for me for I got pregnant at 16 and had a daughter. A year later I married my husband and had my olderst son at 17. Hormones kicked in again, and my youngest boy was born when I was 18. (Friggin Hormones!!!) lol
As with many others of you when I stated that I didnt Want husband and children I got the whole "Oh you just say that now. You arent old enough to know What you want" scenerio.

I hadnt planned on having three kids by the time I was 18, but it happened that way. I lost out on my 'formative' years as being a teenager, and didnt get to finish my college time till many years later.
I resented losing those years, but all of my kids are grown now and have kids of their own.
People who know me knows that I kid and say "I Dont Like Kids...vile nasty little creatures" But, they know the bravado is kind of a joke. I dont mind kids as long as they belong to Someone else..lol
Cat
Cat

[someotherguy]

The lament of the reluctant breeder.

O, poorest of me's.
Quizzed for my duty dereliction.
Beset by other she's
Unsympathetic of my affliction

Let me barren be!
Cast not your aspersions!
This body's nether parts
Belong only to diversions

No progeny shall issue from
My yet tight harvester of cum
Nor shall my youthful figure swell
Inducting me to parent's hell

Free, and self-directed
Unlike you slavish boors
I remain uninfected
By reproduction's chores

O, fuck right off
Ye who question my decision
I stand to scoff
Your breeder inquisition

!