Where do I fit in?

[ggr1972]

I had little luck with ladies because they always told me that they "refuse to settle" (amusing that when they turn me down because I'm 280 they're not settling but when I don't accept a 350 lady..I'm shallow)

I always had talked with a lot of guys but had not the chance to do anything fun...and found out that it's pretty much the same thing.......

my question is...where does a heavy good guy fit in? :(

[shameless agitator]

Well ggr, there are some of us out there for whom weight really isn't an issue one way or the other & there are "chubby chasers" who actually prefer their men/women be large, so I would say just keep with it & you'll find somebody who will appreciate you for who you are.

[jem_is_bi]

My sex partner is not as big as you but he is a big guy.
Oh!! We have so much fun!
So big is not a major issue for everyone.

JEM

[Sapphrodite]

Of course physical attraction plays a role in sexual encounters: both have to posess a mutual sexual connection to pursue things on any intimate level. Traits, preferences, and style among other things are all important factors in whether people 'hook up' or not.

However, if someone is 'unattracted' to you strictly based on appearance, then they are likely not looking for anything lasting, and more or less just hoping to find a good fuck. And let's face it: if someone's into one-offs then it has more to do with fantasy then relationship quality anyway.

The thing that I find most frustrating about being considered a 'big gal' (especially by other women; for whatever reason they seem to be the most critical) is that they seem to really like you untill you meet and you weigh 10-20lbs more than them. Then for some reason, all the connection and interest disapates into thin air (along with any future contact). That part used to really hurt... I was good enough until....

Since then, I have always posted/sent a photo upfront, before we even really talk much. If someone is going to be so shallow as to judge me by my appearance only, then it's better if I don't have to waste any of my time getting to know them. If they're looking for a quick fuck, then I'm not their kinda gal anyway, and I see it as a near-miss in my books.

In that same line of thinking, don't get caught up in having too much 'friendly' conversation with them if you are interested in the other person on a sexual level. I'm not inclined to bang my friends... they are on a different level emotionally. Keep things fun and light but not too chummy, or the wrong "F" word is likely to come up: friends.

The big conversational Donts if you're hoping to be bed buddies and not just friends:

~ Past relationships: OMFG just hand me the steak knife and I'll gouge my own eyes out, thanks. How could anyone (male or female) feel special if all they here is how good/bad things go with you and other people. You will quickly slide into friendship mode if they can picture you with your ex and not them.

~ Your entire life story: Do NOT get caught up in endless emails and text messages b4 you meet them. You're bound to talk about stuff from your childhood and college and 'way back when' which instantly catagorizes your conversation in the same way as talking to 'old pals' they're had 'forever'. Being too casual at the beginning will have them talking about who they are dating, and it won't be you.

~ Cybering (only IMHO): There isn't anything wrong with it once you've actually had sex with them and set off a few of your own rockets, but sheesh - talk about setting unrealistic goals for yourself!! Be flirty, sexy and suggstive, but don't send crotch shots from your cell phone or try to conquer them in cyber... you're giving away the milk for free!! Once you've blown the sexual mystique, you're likely to remain a part of their ongoing fantasies instead of invited into their bedrooms to make them a reality.

~ Don't 'date' online indefintely: Go out on a real date, and fast!!! You can gauge their feelings as well as your own without wasting a lot of time, and if either one of you aren't into each other, you can walk away without investing too much of yourself. If you do hit it off, then keep dates short & sweet, and always make plans to see them again (soon). Oh, and try not to fuck on the first date; there may not be a second if a one-nighter sneaks under your radar. Don't worry if that happens: you'll be able to spot them a mile away soon enough (and attract or detract as many as you like...) LOL!!!


My advice to you is do whatever it takes to improve your confidence, dating/profile conversational skills, and of course, buy sexy underwear. And no, I'm not kidding.

It doesnt matter who the other person is, male or female: if you know what you want (and don't want) and can convey it in your profile, you'll attract the right kind of people to you. If you are confident in the way you approach them and how you present yourself in person, then their interest is bound to continue through to future meetings. And hell, who the f*ck doesn't feel good about themselves in new sexy underwear?!?!?!

Honestly ggr1972 ~ if someone doesn't respond to you being a Good Guy, then they don't get the 'real' you anyway. May take a bit longer to find someone, but when they truly understand you, it's always worth the wait.

hugz,
Sapphy

[HighEnergy]

Of course physical attraction plays a role in sexual encounters: both have to posess a mutual sexual connection to pursue things on any intimate level. Traits, preferences, and style among other things are all important factors in whether people 'hook up' or not.

However, if someone is 'unattracted' to you strictly based on appearance, then they are likely not looking for anything lasting, and more or less just hoping to find a good fuck. And let's face it: if someone's into one-offs then it has more to do with fantasy then relationship quality anyway.

The thing that I find most frustrating about being considered a 'big gal' (especially by other women; for whatever reason they seem to be the most critical) is that they seem to really like you untill you meet and you weigh 10-20lbs more than them. Then for some reason, all the connection and interest disapates into thin air (along with any future contact). That part used to really hurt... I was good enough until....

Since then, I have always posted/sent a photo upfront, before we even really talk much. If someone is going to be so shallow as to judge me by my appearance only, then it's better if I don't have to waste any of my time getting to know them. If they're looking for a quick fuck, then I'm not their kinda gal anyway, and I see it as a near-miss in my books.

In that same line of thinking, don't get caught up in having too much 'friendly' conversation with them if you are interested in the other person on a sexual level. I'm not inclined to bang my friends... they are on a different level emotionally. Keep things fun and light but not too chummy, or the wrong "F" word is likely to come up: friends.

The big conversational Donts if you're hoping to be bed buddies and not just friends:

~ Past relationships: OMFG just hand me the steak knife and I'll gouge my own eyes out, thanks. How could anyone (male or female) feel special if all they here is how good/bad things go with you and other people. You will quickly slide into friendship mode if they can picture you with your ex and not them.

~ Your entire life story: Do NOT get caught up in endless emails and text messages b4 you meet them. You're bound to talk about stuff from your childhood and college and 'way back when' which instantly catagorizes your conversation in the same way as talking to 'old pals' they're had 'forever'. Being too casual at the beginning will have them talking about who they are dating, and it won't be you.

~ Cybering (only IMHO): There isn't anything wrong with it once you've actually had sex with them and set off a few of your own rockets, but sheesh - talk about setting unrealistic goals for yourself!! Be flirty, sexy and suggstive, but don't send crotch shots from your cell phone or try to conquer them in cyber... you're giving away the milk for free!! Once you've blown the sexual mystique, you're likely to remain a part of their ongoing fantasies instead of invited into their bedrooms to make them a reality.

~ Don't 'date' online indefintely: Go out on a real date, and fast!!! You can gauge their feelings as well as your own without wasting a lot of time, and if either one of you aren't into each other, you can walk away without investing too much of yourself. If you do hit it off, then keep dates short & sweet, and always make plans to see them again (soon). Oh, and try not to fuck on the first date; there may not be a second if a one-nighter sneaks under your radar. Don't worry if that happens: you'll be able to spot them a mile away soon enough (and attract or detract as many as you like...) LOL!!!


My advice to you is do whatever it takes to improve your confidence, dating/profile conversational skills, and of course, buy sexy underwear. And no, I'm not kidding.

It doesnt matter who the other person is, male or female: if you know what you want (and don't want) and can convey it in your profile, you'll attract the right kind of people to you. If you are confident in the way you approach them and how you present yourself in person, then their interest is bound to continue through to future meetings. And hell, who the f*ck doesn't feel good about themselves in new sexy underwear?!?!?!

Honestly ggr1972 ~ if someone doesn't respond to you being a Good Guy, then they don't get the 'real' you anyway. May take a bit longer to find someone, but when they truly understand you, it's always worth the wait.

hugz,
Sapphy

Oh Sapphy, you are SO right on so many of your points. On my journal I have an entry about how I met someone for a drink one night and sat there smiling to myself that it was such a nice Guinness that I really hated to leave it alone w/ the idiot who was rambling on about how the child support system totally fucked up his ENTIRE life to a divorced woman who gets child support. Pass that steak knife, honey.

I also agree to meeting quickly for a drink. Why waste hours emailing someone who sounds very nice, but has to sit facing the door and never, ever made eye contact with me because he was "watching" folks come in and out. Hell, I could have been a terrorist and he wouldn't have noticed.

And nice underwear do count! They do make you feel good for men or women. My very, very shy straight laced exhusband even noticed he felt more confident in coloured underwear. I went for one of those skin cancer screenings last spring and even the female doctor commented that I had the prettiest underwear she'd seen all day and thought maybe she ought to clean up her act. For me, it makes up for the fact that I'm built for comfort, not for speed. ;)

[BreeIsMe]

I agree with both Sapphrodite and HighEnergy.

The only thing I would add is that I don't let my imagination or expectations get the best of me. I have met some people after chatting online and have gone in with really minimal expectations. 9 times out of 10, you probably are not going to see that person again but the 10th time (with either a new friend or sexual partner or both!) makes up for all of it!!


Bree

[diB4u]

I had little luck with ladies because they always told me that they "refuse to settle" (amusing that when they turn me down because I'm 280 they're not settling but when I don't accept a 350 lady..I'm shallow)

I always had talked with a lot of guys but had not the chance to do anything fun...and found out that it's pretty much the same thing.......

my question is...where does a heavy good guy fit in? :(


Ahh no not at all, i'm a big woman and i like skinner men... Thats the way attraction works. Well have you tried any of the Bhm and their admirers sites, i know of two that are good so if you want to know message me on site.

Good Luck.

[Sapphrodite]

* silently bashes head against new LCD monitor *


:2cents: ggr1972: find people who are attracted to your gifts, not the packaging.....

[lonelygirlintx]

I love big guys. There's just something about them, I wouldn't have a problem with anything, for me, it's a very big turn-on. Just find someone that likes them too.

[someotherguy]

Gay + big = bear. Look for bear sites.

[Sapphrodite]

* silently bashes head against new LCD monitor again *

ummm I guess ggr1972 would be a Bear if he were big, hairy and gay. But he's just a larger bi fella. Guess that just makes him... well... Himself :)

[VBScript]

you belong at the gym and with a dietitian to lose weight, gain self confidence, and become a healthier person.

If you're one of those people who uses food as a drug or binges when you're feeling sad and eats way too much join OA Overeaters Anonymous and get some therapy to deal with your body image issues.

Lose weight now and get healthy. Trust me your body will thank you for it.

In the mean time don't use obesity as a crutch and think "oh nobody likes me because I'm obese". Find people who like you for who you are.

www.biggercity.com

Just because someone identifies as a bear, it doesn't make them fat or obese, or bigger and they shouldn't be seen as a bear since they're not one and most BEAR men will not go for them just based on that.

[Sapphrodite]

* continues to silently bash head against new LCD monitor *

Ummm, I'm sure we're all thankful for this (unsolicited advice) but maybe you're missing the point.

Ggr1972 or anyone else for that matter (male/female, bisexual or otherwise), should not be required to go to a segregated site based exclusively on one solitary trait... what year is this, 1962???

Someone had the balls to ask for an honest opinion on how to meet other bisexual people. If he hadn't happen to mention he was overweight, no one would be shooing him away to other websites for "fat, hairy, gay guys" (no offense to "fat, hairy, gay guys" ot the people who love them) or planning his Weight Watchers intervention. So let's rewind and take out the part about being heavy:


I've had little luck with ladies because they always told me that they "refuse to settle" (when it comes to relationships).
I always talk with a lot of guys, but not the chance to do anything fun... and found out that it's pretty much the same thing...
My question is: Where does a good guy fit in?:(

The advice for this posting would be more supportive: find common interests, improve communicaton skills, or join clubs to become more 'outgoing' or a 'go-getter'. Useful tips on how to meet people, suggest speed dating, or the latest dating book, etc. Maybe you'd even ask him if he knows what he's looking for, or if he's simply sending out the wrong 'vibes' by being too friendly instead of being a bit more mysterious and creating some sexual tension.

Or maybe you'd just tell him to find a bathhouse, keep his mouth shut, and himself get laid... who knows, but at least it wouldn't be rhetorical patronizing advice like "Lose weight so that you'll fit in with what everyone else in society says is an acceptable weight range before anyone could ever be attracted to your personality because it's all about how you look, yanno".

Great Advice - I'll get right on that one myself.... not!!!

If I'm not mistaken, this site is for bisexual people, not bisexual underwear & lingerie models only. Bisexual.com doesnt have a maximum weight or age restriction, nor any other ridiculous limitations, which is why ggr1972 can stay right here, put up a decent profile, and start finding people who are into him, just the way he is. Amazingly enough, not everyone will be as judgemental as some of the posts given as answers!

In the meantime, just be yourself - you'll find what you're looking for.

(PS: biggercity is for gay people, not bisexual people.. there is a difference, you know.)

[someotherguy]

You can be bi and a bear. If you want to find where you fit in as a big man you would find it among bears. That is, bears would welcome and accept you. Bears have a pretty open idea of who is a bear, but more importantly they tend to be very accepting and supportive because usually they get rejection from other types, so they know how it is.

Bash your head against your monitor all you want, Dell will make you a new one. If it's a CRT, wear a helmet. If it's an LCD you can bash directly.

If there is any other group out there that accepts big bi men, I haven't found it. Straights don't accept bi or big. Bi's don't even accept big. Bears is the only group I have found where I can be comfortable about my body, and the fact I am bi not strictly gay doesn't seem to be a problem.

Nobody was being sent away. The guy asked where he would fit in. He could check out his local bear group, see what he thinks.

[Sapphrodite]

<<< fortunately has an LCD, so no need for a helmet.... LMAO!!!

No one should have to go to a particular site to gain acceptance, sad as that still is.

Instead of hyper-focusing on any one seemingly 'negative' trait, I still mainain the more supportive view that feeling good about yourself regardless of who you are is most important, and that the good vibes will attract the right kind of people to you.

Maybe he's not the type to focus on body type, and may be open to relations with men and women of many sizes, not exclusively 'bigger' people. Plus he might have a hard time meeting Ladies at Bear sites for gay men - that would only cover one aspect of his sexuality. Personality and confidence have much more to do with whether someone is intereted in you sexually that how much you weigh.

Okay Okay, fine - I'm a 'bigger' gal too. So What?? If I only went to the sites 'just' for bigger gay women, then I'd miss out pretty much all of the relationships I've had with bi-women so far. I've found mutual attraction between women significantly smaller than me through larger than me. You don't always seek out attraction in the places you find it: make yourself available to opportunities to meet others, and you're sure to find connections.

There are PLENTY of friendly, outgoing, fun people here of all sizes who would just need the opportunity to get to know him better (through postings, PMs or the chatroom) and they may be drawn in by the combination of his personality and physical appearance, especially since he's not trying to be deceptive about his size. I'm sure that a couple men and women out of the 61,940 people here will find him of interest... at least give bisexual.com a chance first!

If you're happy with who you are, and someone doesn't get that about you, then it's their loss - and that can't be measured in pounds.

~Sapphy~ :bibounce:

[VBScript]

You can be bi and a bear. If you want to find where you fit in as a big man you would find it among bears. That is, bears would welcome and accept you. Bears have a pretty open idea of who is a bear, but more importantly they tend to be very accepting and supportive because usually they get rejection from other types, so they know how it is.

Bash your head against your monitor all you want, Dell will make you a new one. If it's a CRT, wear a helmet. If it's an LCD you can bash directly.

If there is any other group out there that accepts big bi men, I haven't found it. Straights don't accept bi or big. Bi's don't even accept big. Bears is the only group I have found where I can be comfortable about my body, and the fact I am bi not strictly gay doesn't seem to be a problem.

Nobody was being sent away. The guy asked where he would fit in. He could check out his local bear group, see what he thinks.

Not all bears are accepting.

Look at how they view femme, androgynous, and boyish men and drag queens in a bad light.

Also some bears do not like men who are bigger or who are obese.

Let's not forget about how mainstream and commercialized the whole BEAR thing has gotten these days.

It's no longer 'Masculinity with all the trappings'. Look at sites that have bear porn and the men that are there aren't bears. I've even seen ones where they try to pass off muscular twinks as bears.

Just because a guy is bigger and bisexual doesn't mean that he should join a bear group and let's not forget that bear groups and bisexual discussion groups aren't hook up groups unless you're desperate and don't have the balls to go into a bar/club or on any of the millions of sex/dating sites that are devoted to finding partners.