sweet-t
Nov 23, 2005, 8:41 AM
I have posted on here once before giving advice to another woman who just found out her dh is bi. The advice I gave, I stand by 100%, communicate, be open and honest with each other.
Well, in my attempt to be open and honest with my dh, I hurt him, he feels I've taken something away from him.
Here's what happened, in a nutshell:
I had an affair a few years ago, feeling all sorts of unloved, and selfish, it happened one time. That wasn't necessarily the problem for my man, it was the fact that I put him in his place, so to speak. I said awful things to him, made him feel less than a man, and told him I wanted him out. (I still can't believe I did and said those things, that's not me!)
Anyway, he came back, we talked about things, and the last 2 years have been one bumpy road after another, 99% of the time it's me being selfish about what I want. In the course of our talking, he said he needed/wanted to have some friends that he could talk with, either gay or bi men. He wants to have a special friend someday, one that if things got a lil heated up and sex took place, they would still remain friends. He talked to me about this and the thought of seeing him with another man sexually way turned me on.
The problem is, I wasn't prepared for the emotional attachment he would have with this guy. I met a gay man online, we became freinds and I introduced him to my hubby, they started chatting and my hubby asked me if this guy could be the one, he lived out of state and thought maybe he could come and live with us if their relationship went that route. Well the other guy wants a life partner and my hubby doesn't, he has one and wants to be friends and have sex be a fringe benefit of having this close friend. I put the kobosh on it, because of the emotions that the 2 were sharing.
I had to leave for a week on a business trip and my hubby and I stayed in contact via IM, he told me before I left that he was done chatting with this other fellow. While I was on the plane en route to my destination, my hubby got in contact with the other man, he wanted to remain friends. I was crushed in the fact that he didn't wait till I got home. My hubby made it perfectly clear to this other guy and me as well that he wants just a friendship, and has no intentions on leaving me and the kids for another man, or anyone else.
I came back with a renew love and admiration for my guy and started showing all sorts of affection that came naturally, he told me to take it slowly he wasn't used to me being so loving and kind. The next few weeks were wonderful, my hubby totally opened up to me about his feelings, wants and needs. We also discussed him meeting someone closer by that he could be friends with, someone he could hang out with, but strictly platonic. I knew he wanted to have the option of, if something happens, it happens. So, I told him I wanted him to have that option, but I wanted to be involved, we talked about several scenarios, that could happen. So he joined a gay site and started chatting with men in our area.
Everything was goin great!! He was happy, actually smiling and laughing, I was excited over the fact that he was so happy and accepting my affections, (which i had not done in a long time, in a sincere manner). Well, the selfish part of me showed her ugly head and I said some things that made him think I'm not for him finding a friend of this magnitude. We had a HUGE fight, I became child-like, thinking again of only my feelings and frustrations.
Those were not my intentions at all!! We both agreed that we would be open and honest with each other, that we could say anything to the other person about how we're feeling. With that in mind, i said what I was feeling. He is a great analyzer, and he mis interpreted what I was saying. I was voicing my own selfish feelings and thoughts.
Now, he's not chatted with his friends, his smile has left his face, he won't allow me to touch him, and when I try he stiffens up and tells me to knock it off. I'm so lost, and feeling like a complete jerk! I want to go back to 2 days ago when he was happy and feeling like he was accepted due to being bi, that he was alright in the eyes of other people. I have totally accepted the fact that he is bi....by the way.
Any advice? I know this is long, and believe me I haven't even touched the surface! Thanks for reading this book.
Well, in my attempt to be open and honest with my dh, I hurt him, he feels I've taken something away from him.
Here's what happened, in a nutshell:
I had an affair a few years ago, feeling all sorts of unloved, and selfish, it happened one time. That wasn't necessarily the problem for my man, it was the fact that I put him in his place, so to speak. I said awful things to him, made him feel less than a man, and told him I wanted him out. (I still can't believe I did and said those things, that's not me!)
Anyway, he came back, we talked about things, and the last 2 years have been one bumpy road after another, 99% of the time it's me being selfish about what I want. In the course of our talking, he said he needed/wanted to have some friends that he could talk with, either gay or bi men. He wants to have a special friend someday, one that if things got a lil heated up and sex took place, they would still remain friends. He talked to me about this and the thought of seeing him with another man sexually way turned me on.
The problem is, I wasn't prepared for the emotional attachment he would have with this guy. I met a gay man online, we became freinds and I introduced him to my hubby, they started chatting and my hubby asked me if this guy could be the one, he lived out of state and thought maybe he could come and live with us if their relationship went that route. Well the other guy wants a life partner and my hubby doesn't, he has one and wants to be friends and have sex be a fringe benefit of having this close friend. I put the kobosh on it, because of the emotions that the 2 were sharing.
I had to leave for a week on a business trip and my hubby and I stayed in contact via IM, he told me before I left that he was done chatting with this other fellow. While I was on the plane en route to my destination, my hubby got in contact with the other man, he wanted to remain friends. I was crushed in the fact that he didn't wait till I got home. My hubby made it perfectly clear to this other guy and me as well that he wants just a friendship, and has no intentions on leaving me and the kids for another man, or anyone else.
I came back with a renew love and admiration for my guy and started showing all sorts of affection that came naturally, he told me to take it slowly he wasn't used to me being so loving and kind. The next few weeks were wonderful, my hubby totally opened up to me about his feelings, wants and needs. We also discussed him meeting someone closer by that he could be friends with, someone he could hang out with, but strictly platonic. I knew he wanted to have the option of, if something happens, it happens. So, I told him I wanted him to have that option, but I wanted to be involved, we talked about several scenarios, that could happen. So he joined a gay site and started chatting with men in our area.
Everything was goin great!! He was happy, actually smiling and laughing, I was excited over the fact that he was so happy and accepting my affections, (which i had not done in a long time, in a sincere manner). Well, the selfish part of me showed her ugly head and I said some things that made him think I'm not for him finding a friend of this magnitude. We had a HUGE fight, I became child-like, thinking again of only my feelings and frustrations.
Those were not my intentions at all!! We both agreed that we would be open and honest with each other, that we could say anything to the other person about how we're feeling. With that in mind, i said what I was feeling. He is a great analyzer, and he mis interpreted what I was saying. I was voicing my own selfish feelings and thoughts.
Now, he's not chatted with his friends, his smile has left his face, he won't allow me to touch him, and when I try he stiffens up and tells me to knock it off. I'm so lost, and feeling like a complete jerk! I want to go back to 2 days ago when he was happy and feeling like he was accepted due to being bi, that he was alright in the eyes of other people. I have totally accepted the fact that he is bi....by the way.
Any advice? I know this is long, and believe me I haven't even touched the surface! Thanks for reading this book.