Maryland
Jan 5, 2008, 1:58 AM
I apologize in advance for this long post. I don't know where else to turn and hope you can help me, or at least point me in the direction I should go.
I identify as bisexual and am married to a woman who identifies as bisexual. We have been monogomous since we were married in 2003. Prior to marriage, we dated exclusively for four years. Before we met, my wife had one relationship with a woman after realizing at age 17 that she was bisexual. I have had no relationships with men, romantic or sexual. I was bisexual at puberty, but did not admit or accept it until age 22. The woman who is now my wife shepherded that process.
For several years, we have found various ways within our marriage to express our bisexuality while remaining monogomous. We have a healthy fantasy life, enjoy a variety of porn and freely allow ourselves to imagine and express the other to be someone else during sex (eg. I will pretend her to be a man I lust after). These methods have worked well for us, yet are increasingly insufficient for us both and primarily myself.
After much discussion, including a frank evaluation and reassurance of the stability of our marriage and love for each other, we recently decided to pursue a threesome/threeway/whatever with a male friend to whom we are both very attracted. The decision came in the sober aftermath of a New Year's Eve drinking session with friends in which the man (1) expressed his general willingness to do a threesome comprised of two men and one woman; (2) touched, with my permission, my wife, to the great enjoyment of us three; and (3) sufficiently assuaged my fears that he would only seek interaction with my wife and not me.
Earlier this week, my wife and I were able to speak with the man privately, and indicated our interest. My wife, who did the talking, noted that she didn't want our friend to feel weird about the New Year's Eve touching, that neither she nor I had any problems with what happened, and were in fact very turned on by it. My wife and I had prepared more to say, but at that point, our friend was shifting uncomfortably in his seat. He responded by saying something along the lines of, "I'm not down with that, yet." (It was unclear how much could or should be read into the "yet.") My wife quickly switched gears, affirmed to him that his friendship is very important to us and we don't want to do anything that would harm that. A bit more was said, but nothing substantial, and we then parted ways. My wife and I both took the rejection, as it were, very hard. I broke into tears later that evening.
It should be noted that this is the second time we have attempted to pursue a threesome/threeway/whatever with a male friend. Our previous attempt, done more on a lark about two years ago, also ended in rejection. We have not attempted to pursue a threesome/threeway/whatever with any female friends, primarily because our tastes in women are different. We have not attempted to pursue a threesome/threeway/whatever with any strangers or casual acquiantances, primarily because my wife must know the person to feel comfortable with them in that context.
I share all the above as background and so you can best understand the crux of this post, which is that I am very confused and uncertain as to how I should proceed from here.
My wife is what Dan Savage has termed GGG: good, giving and game. She has told me that she is willing to explore an open relationship, as long as it is done on mutually agreeable terms, so we can both pursue expressions and experiences that are unavailable to us now. Her reasons for this are twofold: She is increasingly fearful that I might end up doing some bathroom toe-tapping should I not be given this healthier option, and she is increasingly interested in exploring other experiences with women.
I'm very torn on how to proceed. Among the thoughts running through my head are the following:
1. I do not, at this time, see myself taking the "Larry Craig" route. However, I fear that I might go that way later in life if I do not find some way to express and enjoy my bisexuality at this stage.
2. What my wife and I share is, in both our opinions, a truly precious and honest form of love. We consider each other soul mates and are often told by our family and friends that we are a wonderful example of what a loving couple should be.
3. I am terrified that by pursuing an open marriage -- even one that involves full disclosure and, ideally, the other as an observer of any sexual acts that are done to ensure health and safety -- I will destroy our relationship.
4. I am equally terrified that if I do nothing, my intensifying desires to have romantic or sexual experiences with other men will destroy our relationship.
5. Even if we agreed to proceed, I would have no idea how to find someone who could understand let alone accept an arrangement like this. It's hard enough to find someone who understands bisexuality. It's near impossible to find someone who accepts ME as bisexual once they know my history.
6. Without a doubt, I feel incomplete as a person having not had any romantic or sexual experiences with other men during my life.
7. My wife and I both acknowledge that one experience will not permanently assuage what I'm feeling, nor should it as my bisexuality is not a desire but rather a significant part of the person I am.
8. I fear, as does my wife, that we are simply being "greedy." We have an intense love for each other and an otherwise wonderful and stable marriage. Are we wrong to seek more? Should we not be satisfied with the life we do have together?
9. Both my wife and I were raised Catholic, but have long since left the church. I am still challenged, however, to work through the "guilt" I feel about considering an open marriage since we were both raised to believe all such love and satisfaction is to come within the context of marriage.
10. For what it's worth, we are out to many of our friends, but not all. Neither of us are out to our parents. Both of us are out to our siblings.
I apologize again for the opus that is this post, but I had to pour my heart out somewhere and Bisexual.com seemed the best place to do so. I greatly appreciate you taking the time to read this and respond. I obviously and desperately need advice, and I welcome any insight or direction you can provide.
On behalf of both my wife and I, thank you.
I identify as bisexual and am married to a woman who identifies as bisexual. We have been monogomous since we were married in 2003. Prior to marriage, we dated exclusively for four years. Before we met, my wife had one relationship with a woman after realizing at age 17 that she was bisexual. I have had no relationships with men, romantic or sexual. I was bisexual at puberty, but did not admit or accept it until age 22. The woman who is now my wife shepherded that process.
For several years, we have found various ways within our marriage to express our bisexuality while remaining monogomous. We have a healthy fantasy life, enjoy a variety of porn and freely allow ourselves to imagine and express the other to be someone else during sex (eg. I will pretend her to be a man I lust after). These methods have worked well for us, yet are increasingly insufficient for us both and primarily myself.
After much discussion, including a frank evaluation and reassurance of the stability of our marriage and love for each other, we recently decided to pursue a threesome/threeway/whatever with a male friend to whom we are both very attracted. The decision came in the sober aftermath of a New Year's Eve drinking session with friends in which the man (1) expressed his general willingness to do a threesome comprised of two men and one woman; (2) touched, with my permission, my wife, to the great enjoyment of us three; and (3) sufficiently assuaged my fears that he would only seek interaction with my wife and not me.
Earlier this week, my wife and I were able to speak with the man privately, and indicated our interest. My wife, who did the talking, noted that she didn't want our friend to feel weird about the New Year's Eve touching, that neither she nor I had any problems with what happened, and were in fact very turned on by it. My wife and I had prepared more to say, but at that point, our friend was shifting uncomfortably in his seat. He responded by saying something along the lines of, "I'm not down with that, yet." (It was unclear how much could or should be read into the "yet.") My wife quickly switched gears, affirmed to him that his friendship is very important to us and we don't want to do anything that would harm that. A bit more was said, but nothing substantial, and we then parted ways. My wife and I both took the rejection, as it were, very hard. I broke into tears later that evening.
It should be noted that this is the second time we have attempted to pursue a threesome/threeway/whatever with a male friend. Our previous attempt, done more on a lark about two years ago, also ended in rejection. We have not attempted to pursue a threesome/threeway/whatever with any female friends, primarily because our tastes in women are different. We have not attempted to pursue a threesome/threeway/whatever with any strangers or casual acquiantances, primarily because my wife must know the person to feel comfortable with them in that context.
I share all the above as background and so you can best understand the crux of this post, which is that I am very confused and uncertain as to how I should proceed from here.
My wife is what Dan Savage has termed GGG: good, giving and game. She has told me that she is willing to explore an open relationship, as long as it is done on mutually agreeable terms, so we can both pursue expressions and experiences that are unavailable to us now. Her reasons for this are twofold: She is increasingly fearful that I might end up doing some bathroom toe-tapping should I not be given this healthier option, and she is increasingly interested in exploring other experiences with women.
I'm very torn on how to proceed. Among the thoughts running through my head are the following:
1. I do not, at this time, see myself taking the "Larry Craig" route. However, I fear that I might go that way later in life if I do not find some way to express and enjoy my bisexuality at this stage.
2. What my wife and I share is, in both our opinions, a truly precious and honest form of love. We consider each other soul mates and are often told by our family and friends that we are a wonderful example of what a loving couple should be.
3. I am terrified that by pursuing an open marriage -- even one that involves full disclosure and, ideally, the other as an observer of any sexual acts that are done to ensure health and safety -- I will destroy our relationship.
4. I am equally terrified that if I do nothing, my intensifying desires to have romantic or sexual experiences with other men will destroy our relationship.
5. Even if we agreed to proceed, I would have no idea how to find someone who could understand let alone accept an arrangement like this. It's hard enough to find someone who understands bisexuality. It's near impossible to find someone who accepts ME as bisexual once they know my history.
6. Without a doubt, I feel incomplete as a person having not had any romantic or sexual experiences with other men during my life.
7. My wife and I both acknowledge that one experience will not permanently assuage what I'm feeling, nor should it as my bisexuality is not a desire but rather a significant part of the person I am.
8. I fear, as does my wife, that we are simply being "greedy." We have an intense love for each other and an otherwise wonderful and stable marriage. Are we wrong to seek more? Should we not be satisfied with the life we do have together?
9. Both my wife and I were raised Catholic, but have long since left the church. I am still challenged, however, to work through the "guilt" I feel about considering an open marriage since we were both raised to believe all such love and satisfaction is to come within the context of marriage.
10. For what it's worth, we are out to many of our friends, but not all. Neither of us are out to our parents. Both of us are out to our siblings.
I apologize again for the opus that is this post, but I had to pour my heart out somewhere and Bisexual.com seemed the best place to do so. I greatly appreciate you taking the time to read this and respond. I obviously and desperately need advice, and I welcome any insight or direction you can provide.
On behalf of both my wife and I, thank you.