what are the indivisible causes for heartbreak/loss of a partner we were attached to

[fffff]

Why is it that we might wish for them back, even if we might have the knowledge that they are happier off with another partner? What triggers the pain we experience during these periods in particular? What can be done to give us an outlook towards it that can lessen, or even eliminate the pain?

[Bluebiyou]

Why is it that we might wish for them back, even if we might have the knowledge that they are happier off with another partner?
Love.
We have no control over who or what we fall in love with, it either happens or it doesn't.
Using intelligence to avoid people who are 'bad' for us is simply employing Intelligence over Emotion (I/E).
What triggers the pain we experience during these periods in particular?
The love was/is REAL. There is a real loss (of love). The grief is real.
What can be done to give us an outlook towards it that can lessen, or even eliminate the pain?
Nothing effective, or healthy. You can postpone and enlarge the pain/grief with alcohol. You can erect tall defensive walls to keep the pain out from future events, but they also trap you in and keep the love out.
Pain is an honest prize for loss of real love. If you feel no pain at the loss of a love, then you are/were not in love (at the time of the loss).
Accept and embrace the pain, it is yours. Talk about it, write about it, face it, feel it, accept it. Let me be quick to say that if your pain is too overwhelming, get some help (there are appropriate times to use I/E). But largely you must feel-it-through; most everything else is just masturbation. Until you feel-it-through you won't have a clean slate available for your next love.

[the mage]

We tend to remember the less painful times in mourning, both in lost life, and lost love. That leads us to wishing to "take it back'. It is part of your healing.
Do not fear it. Time will bring smiles again.

[fffff]

We tend to remember the less painful times in mourning, both in lost life, and lost love. That leads us to wishing to "take it back'. It is part of your healing.
Do not fear it. Time will bring smiles again.

yes... time heals all things.
I just want to approach all this the best possible way, I mean, I've really screwed up in the past after losing someone I was attached to.

I try to apply things from meditation, and from the Dalai Lama's books to help me, but sometimes they just don't work and I am in pain. And when you're in pain, it becomes harder to feel happy for yourself and for others.

So I'm glad you guys are helping me out with your answers, discussion helps.

oh, and Jethro Tull rocks!

[gfofbiguy]

I guess all I can say is start living for yourself to heal yourself. Of course, you will need to feel your pain as well, as that is part of the grieving process.

Start doing things you have always wanted to do, but never did because you were with someone else. Take some classes, learn something new, have fun. It also helps to bring up your self-esteem as well, because you are doing what YOU want to do without having to "answer" to anyone else...and you will also learn more about yourself as well. And meet more people - always a plus! Good luck to you!!

[fffff]

I guess all I can say is start living for yourself to heal yourself. Of course, you will need to feel your pain as well, as that is part of the grieving process.

Start doing things you have always wanted to do, but never did because you were with someone else. Take some classes, learn something new, have fun. It also helps to bring up your self-esteem as well, because you are doing what YOU want to do without having to "answer" to anyone else...and you will also learn more about yourself as well. And meet more people - always a plus! Good luck to you!!

thanks :)

And yes, I understand self-esteem is a major part of the issue I have. It didn't take me long to notice, in my self-analysis, that loss of partner=a blow to your self esteem, because obviously, it was something about me that turned her away.

I think, as you said, the best thing to do is to do new things, start a personal revolution for your surroundings and activities. Only tricky thing is, I did just that after a messy breakup from a relationship of a year and a half, and I did so many things that now, much of all the new things I took up then are associated with this newer girl that didn't work out for me!

I guess I have to be even more creative this time! I'm just kind of concerned... I'd like to return to my appreciation of nature... It's just I learned to associate it with this girl! Maybe I shouldn't worry so much, maybe I can "win back" my appreciation of nature away from my memories with this girl.

Oh, but that's not right either is it... I think we're supposed to smile when we think of the good times too... I don't want to try destroying memories of the good times! Probably not very healthy.

[gfofbiguy]

thanks :)

And yes, I understand self-esteem is a major part of the issue I have. It didn't take me long to notice, in my self-analysis, that loss of partner=a blow to your self esteem, because obviously, it was something about me that turned her away.

I think, as you said, the best thing to do is to do new things, start a personal revolution for your surroundings and activities. Only tricky thing is, I did just that after a messy breakup from a relationship of a year and a half, and I did so many things that now, much of all the new things I took up then are associated with this newer girl that didn't work out for me!

I guess I have to be even more creative this time! I'm just kind of concerned... I'd like to return to my appreciation of nature... It's just I learned to associate it with this girl! Maybe I shouldn't worry so much, maybe I can "win back" my appreciation of nature away from my memories with this girl.

Oh, but that's not right either is it... I think we're supposed to smile when we think of the good times too... I don't want to try destroying memories of the good times! Probably not very healthy.

Hmmm, maybe there are some new things you can still do that have to do with your interests/appreciation of nature. Or just something completely new and different...any community college classes in your area? Something you've always wanted to take, but never did yet? Or how about checking out recreation center activities/classes in your community? I took an "Investing 101" class, that - to be honest - I really had very little interest in, but found it to be VERY interesting and I really enjoyed it and learned a lot. I've also taken salsa dancing lessons, line dancing, belly dancing, as well as some art/painting classes...whatever suits my fancy at the time (and what I can afford LOL). But that's the beauty of it...Things that are affordable, interesting, look like fun...Take a look at what's out there, in the catalogs of classes at colleges that you can maybe audit (usually don't have to pay as much as a "regular" student - no exams or papers either...but get to sit in the class), or classes offered for the community at large through community centers or recreation centers. Maybe you could TEACH a class about nature? Or whatever it is that you are interested in...

[fffff]

Hmmm, maybe there are some new things you can still do that have to do with your interests/appreciation of nature. Or just something completely new and different...any community college classes in your area? Something you've always wanted to take, but never did yet? Or how about checking out recreation center activities/classes in your community? I took an "Investing 101" class, that - to be honest - I really had very little interest in, but found it to be VERY interesting and I really enjoyed it and learned a lot. I've also taken salsa dancing lessons, line dancing, belly dancing, as well as some art/painting classes...whatever suits my fancy at the time (and what I can afford LOL). But that's the beauty of it...Things that are affordable, interesting, look like fun...Take a look at what's out there, in the catalogs of classes at colleges that you can maybe audit (usually don't have to pay as much as a "regular" student - no exams or papers either...but get to sit in the class), or classes offered for the community at large through community centers or recreation centers. Maybe you could TEACH a class about nature? Or whatever it is that you are interested in...

Haha... I was surprised to hear this advice, but it was equally interesting, and I thank you the same. I am 19 though and I'm currently enrolled as an undergraduate student :P

But I like the bit about teaching nature... I also thought of volunteer work at a vet hospital, or other community work.

I also have my kung fu classes I've done since I was in my old relationship that ended in 2006, so I think I'll keep that. It's getting mighty interesting nowadays with the younger instructor taking more command over the curriculum, he teaches us far more effective and interesting techniques and training that we weren't getting in our art with the older master.

[gfofbiguy]

Haha... I was surprised to hear this advice, but it was equally interesting, and I thank you the same. I am 19 though and I'm currently enrolled as an undergraduate student :P

But I like the bit about teaching nature... I also thought of volunteer work at a vet hospital, or other community work.

I also have my kung fu classes I've done since I was in my old relationship that ended in 2006, so I think I'll keep that. It's getting mighty interesting nowadays with the younger instructor taking more command over the curriculum, he teaches us far more effective and interesting techniques and training that we weren't getting in our art with the older master.

Heehee, had no idea how old you are...hey, could still do the teaching thing though like you said. Volunteer work is also great, takes your mind off your own problems....if you like animals, you can also volunteer at animal shelters (walking the dogs, grooming, etc.). I did that (back in high school - would love to do it again, but I think I'd want to adopt every animal I came across), and had a blast.

That's cool about your kung fu classes, especially since you are finding them more interesting and all with the younger instructor...are you advanced enough that you could teach some younger students or be an assistant? Maybe something else you might like to consider.

Best thing I can say, have fun with your life now, especially being 19! It's the best time to try whatever strikes your fancy, like I said before - new things, interesting things, volunteer, teaching, whatever.

[fffff]

Thanks :)

[FerociousFeline]

I think that what happens in a relationship between two people is that ....with one person over here you have THIS energy....and over here you have THAT energy.....and when the two come together suddenly you have a new THIRD energy....witch both share. When something goes wrong, one of the two "poles" of energy are no longer supported, then the energy collapses.

When this happens, both will be in withdrawl from the loss of the combined new energy. However the person who initiated the separation will have less remorse as it was a voluntary act to discontinue to continue to produce this joined energy. The person who is most injured is the person who was willing to continue to support this energy yet had no warning or choice when the energy was discontinued. That is the "cause".

The solution is stranger.
It is my experience that the quickest way OUT of the chaos and destruction of the loss of the triangle of energy, is in fact, to recreate a NEW triangle of energy by oneself. (Some call this learning to love oneself)

One way to do this is to experience something new, something rewarding where the self can first enjoy the new experience, and then be able to turn and be happy with itself for having the courage and the fortitude to actually DO that. This combined with the Higher Self (Inner Guidance) recreates a triangle of energy and once again the soul is back in balance. I have explained this REALLY poorly but hopefully you will get the idea of what I am talking about.

But basically. A person basically cannot deny the loss they experience if they were really connected to the other person. What they can do is turn that energy they they were sending to the other person inward, and turn it back upon themselves. Once balance is achieved, then they can turn it back outwards to other people and allow themselves to love other people in place of their previous lover.

FF

[darkeyes]

How bout jus incompatibility..don need 2 analyse 2 much...ya jus aint rite.. now me an Naggy diff matta.. we tried it sorta...she even got married...an had lil snot..me jus flitted bout here an ther like the tart me luffs 2 b... an it wos hell... fun but hell.. not bein togetha that is... now we jus tootlin along an doin wot we shud neva hav stopped doin... havin fun an makin each otha happy as we can...

[fffff]

I think that what happens in a relationship between two people is that ....with one person over here you have THIS energy....and over here you have THAT energy.....and when the two come together suddenly you have a new THIRD energy....witch both share. When something goes wrong, one of the two "poles" of energy are no longer supported, then the energy collapses.

When this happens, both will be in withdrawl from the loss of the combined new energy. However the person who initiated the separation will have less remorse as it was a voluntary act to discontinue to continue to produce this joined energy. The person who is most injured is the person who was willing to continue to support this energy yet had no warning or choice when the energy was discontinued. That is the "cause".

The solution is stranger.
It is my experience that the quickest way OUT of the chaos and destruction of the loss of the triangle of energy, is in fact, to recreate a NEW triangle of energy by oneself. (Some call this learning to love oneself)

One way to do this is to experience something new, something rewarding where the self can first enjoy the new experience, and then be able to turn and be happy with itself for having the courage and the fortitude to actually DO that. This combined with the Higher Self (Inner Guidance) recreates a triangle of energy and once again the soul is back in balance. I have explained this REALLY poorly but hopefully you will get the idea of what I am talking about.

But basically. A person basically cannot deny the loss they experience if they were really connected to the other person. What they can do is turn that energy they they were sending to the other person inward, and turn it back upon themselves. Once balance is achieved, then they can turn it back outwards to other people and allow themselves to love other people in place of their previous lover.

FF

I like your explanation... It makes a lot of sense to me.

[fffff]

How bout jus incompatibility..don need 2 analyse 2 much...ya jus aint rite.. now me an Naggy diff matta.. we tried it sorta...she even got married...an had lil snot..me jus flitted bout here an ther like the tart me luffs 2 b... an it wos hell... fun but hell.. not bein togetha that is... now we jus tootlin along an doin wot we shud neva hav stopped doin... havin fun an makin each otha happy as we can...

I'm sorry but I don't think it stops at incompatibility, especially if you had a very open and honest connection at some point and felt perfectly comfortable with each other.

I feel that exterior forces, i.e. other people and their opinions, are capable of turning us against people we once cherished (I know, from personal experience). Perhaps they have an effect on our compatibility with someone, but if they are absent, then you and the one you cherish will likely continue with whatever peaceful connection you initially found together.