advice - conflicting wants

[RainbowBright]

ok.. so here it is. hubby and i are at a dead end. i havnt had any experences, but i have.. wants. unfortunatly hubby and i dont want the same thing.... i have been doing a lot of thinking, and i have basicly decided that if something happened with someone.. well. i dont want my hubby involved.. its not that i dont love him.. or want him to know about it.. i just dont think that i would be comfortable.. or able to enjoy things if he was there. hubby, on the other hand.. wants to be there, if not participating. he says that it would be like cheeting if he wasnt there to at least watch. this i completly understand and i agree on the cheeting thing.. but..what if the other person involved doesnt want him there either?... . well you can see the problem.. we just cant seem to agree on things and it is causeing some undo stress on an already touchy situation. can any one give me some advice. or thoughts on this.. would be greatly appreciated.

i be confused, confused, confused.
Thanks.

RainbowBright

[funfriend]

As I see it you only have 3 choices 1 you cheat anyway and try to get what you feel you are missing. It would be better then if hubby had not known but I take it he already does. 2 Tell hubby to take a hike and then you are free to do whatever you desire as long as what you desire outweighs what you may lose when you part. 3 You give up on seeking your sensual satisfactions and concentrate on other endeavors in your life. All of these sound really easier said than done I suppose but that is the logic of it. What sucks is that feelings often get in the way of logic.
My personal choice has been to keep my spouse in the dark ( having felt her out about such topics )and go the cheating route. I sometimes feel since I get good sex already that what I really want are a few good friends to have fun with, but thanks to being raised in the free sex era I have my firendships and sex mixed together somehow and I like to have close intimate friends I can explore sexually as well as intellectually. But good friends are hard to find so I and others like me usually end up with only frustration. Some of us wouldbe better off if we could just take a pill and forget all about sex.
Good luck.

[binbi42]

Do you think a compromise would work? I'd explain that for everyone's comfort level that you'd like with his consent to experience your first bisexual liasion uninhibited. That being your first time out... it would be easier for you to get the total experience but ,that you would not rule out the possibility of including him in your play in the future. It could even be in the same house just not the same room. I think the only way it would be cheating is if it was done behind his back. Not including him in an intial solo flight to test your wings should not be a problem if the marriage is secure in the first place, and his interest in your growth along with his, is mutual.
A

[cchalmer]

There is no easy answer to your dilemna....In the end the only thing that is going to matter is what is going to make you happy. Before I left my wife she knew nothing about my being bi (still doesn't to this day) but that was my choice. Yes I played around a little during our marriage to satisfy my yearnings but I was able to keep the sex separate from my daily life.

Just to clarify....being bi and going behind her back had nothing to do with the break up of my marriage...

Whatever you decide to do....as long as at the end of the day you can look at yourself in the mirror and say "It was worth it and I'm happy I did it".... whatever the "it" might be.

[alleycat]

Hi Rainbow Bright! I am in a very similar situation as you are. I did post a question very similar to yours in the past and got some very different responses from a more conservative crowd - or a crowd that believes that if you are a married bisexual you should stay loyal to your spouse. Well, not that I'm cheating on my husband or even have another in the picture, but that didn't fit well for my way of thinking. I feel a very strong void in my marriage because of the female/female part missing. My husband feels the same way your husband feels - he's thrilled that I'm bisexual because it means he gets to have threesomes!! Well, guess what - I don't want threesomes... I want to fulfill the part of myself that has a void - it has nothing to do with him. At this point I feel more selfish that I want to explore that side without him involved. Then and only then will I consider bringing it into the marriage to excite him. Because for him it's just an excitement, for me it's a biological need.

Those are just some of my thoughts - I don't have the answers - because if I did I would have it figured out in my own life. I think funfriend basically puts the choices out there for you except he missed the one that binbi42 mentions, which is comprimise. I vote for that one.

Good luck! It's not easy.

[pamandfredcpl]

I feel for you Rainbow, we are a couple and have reached a compromise. We are both bi and usually play together, but now and then we prefer to play alone. This is not often but it does happen. Maybe you could convince hubby that if you played alone and he was real nice to you about it you might come home with a playmate for both you some night.

[innaminka]

rainbow - reading between the lines, I maybe suggest that there may be more issues between yourself and your hubby.
Before you contemplate whatever, get your whole relationship sorted.
Maybe I'm just a Cassandra, but your note didn't suggest a lot of happiness there.

Your husband's term "cheating" for him, hold a lot more than just the odd infidelity I think...

[SilverWulf]

My opinon:

Cheating is wrong, always!

There is no situation in which it can be made right. It does not matter if your need is physical, mental, biological, or a complex combination of all those and more. If you have to go behind your partners back to get it fulfilled, you aren't happy and secure in your relationship to being with, and should not be with that person. Your partner trusts you to remain faithful. Trust is one of the main tenets of a relationship, if that is gone, nothing remains worth fighting for. Trust, once lost, is almost impossible to rebuild.

Please, do not cheat. It causes untold and indescribable hurt to the one cheated on that last for years after the incident.

As others have said, find a compromise. Agreeing on something might not happen in the time frame that you wish it to. It may take a long time. If your relationship is worth anything at all, take that time.

[Nara_lovely]

Hubby and I just kept talking about this situation right at the start, and worked a lot out.
He initially said it was fine for me to be with another woman, so long as...
and the list goes on of the do's and don'ts, who what where how many etc etc.
I had my own ideas too....and didn't want him to be there unless both F's accepted it. (a swing/swap is different of course). But yes; my first few GF's did not want him there (neither did I); it was a pure girly time and incredible. Hubby knew about the encounters well before hand, had met the other F, and when I was heading out for a evening/night with her...he'd give me a big hug and kiss and say "Have fun!"

But...bottom line; he just wanted the reassurance that HE was always going to be the number 1 in my life.

So....keep talking. Ask questions, LISTEN, and sort it out first. It's not the easiest path I will admit. But it stopped a hell of a lot of arguments later.

Nara :flag3:

[RainbowBright]

Thanks to all. No i am not planning on cheeting on him, i gave him my word that nothing would happen with anyone with out him knowing what i was doin. so far nothing has happened.. with anyone... but thanks. all the advice has defenatly helped.. i have shown him the question, and he has read all the remarks. he thinks that asking the question was a good thing.. and that it gave him a different perspective on things. it is nice to know that this site is a place that i can come to if i need help.

Thanks Again.

Bright :tong:

[meteast chick]

Rainbow Bright and Alleycat,

If any of you read my thread from a week ago, you'd see the concidences.
My husband views it as cheating either way, but basically says 3somes are acceptable because you're both doing it. I'm really uncomfortable with that idea, and he says he accepts that and wouldn't want me doing anything that I don't want to do. So now, after we've almost beaten this topic to death, I'm going to therapy. Depending on what the therapist says about me, we will probably be going to marital counseling.

I do not advocate cheating at all. Honesty is always the best policy, and
if you can't be honest in a marriage, you're negating a very big part of your vows. Just my opinion, take it or leave it.

luv and kisses,
meteast

[inthewoods]

Hi RB

I am not a fan of cheating, it's very dishonest and it will cause bigger problems in a marriage. When you are in a relationship like marriage then there is no me, it's us. Everything you do or everything your partner does has either a positive or negative effect on the relationship.
If you and your husband are ok with you having a relationship with someone then that I believe is ok. I believe what you two need to talk about is him being there. If you do not want him there at first then he needs to respect that. You are seeking a female relationship out of need your hubby is seeking a 3way out of want. The needs are first then the wants, when all the needs are met then it is time for the playful wants. I would talk to him about the needs verses the wants and talk about setting some time for wants, this way you are both giving. He gives you your time and then you give him his time. Just some thoughts I had, I hope you have a wonderful day and hope things work out.

[jennessex]

I'm new to this curiosity, but fortunate enough for me, my hubby knew before I did. He helped me admit it. We came to the compromise, on my first venture I could do so with out him there, BUT, I had to tell him all the dirty little details. lol. I do so even if I get to chat with someone. That way he is not in the dark. He feels better for it, and so do I.
I have yet to have my first experience, but rest be sured, he will be the first to know!
Wish you luck girl!

Jennessex