savbaby
Dec 5, 2007, 10:56 PM
I have to apologize up front for this post being as long as it is. It may be choppy, jump back and forth, and make no sense at all, but that's been my life for the past week.
I'm a gay man in a relationship(?) with a bisexual guy. We've been friends for almost 10 years now. I've always been there to catch him when he falls and to support him and give him the courage and excitement to go after his dreams and make them happen. After a couple of failed marriages (bad, bad relationships), he wanted to try a romantic relationship with a guy. I am the only guy he feels comfortable having sex with. He pursued me, poured on the charm and the sweetness and won me over faster than my better judgment should have allowed. Within two months, we were moved in together, again, against my better judgment, and happily pursuing our future. 8 months into it, and almost at the end of it, I need some advice!
In the beginning, he and I talked over the phone a helluva lot, and I knew he was bisexual long before we ever got involved. We knew what a relationship was supposed to be about. Mature adults who talk instead of argue. Our relationship began shortly after me telling him I was open to his fantasy of having both a guy and a girl at the same time. I took the time to understand bisexuality, and I always knew that one day I would have to deal with the feelings that come up between us when the hetero part of him needed to be satisfied. I do understand it. And we talked about it. It went from the idea of us doing something like this as a couple to being more and more about wanting to go off and do it alone. Something about a stigma that most women around here have about have sex with a gay and a bi guy....
My only hangup was that he and I build our emotional relationship to a point where I would be comfortable with him going to do that. I don't want him to deny who he is, just like I wouldn't deny that being completely gay is who I am. And I won't lie -- I wouldn't be comfortable with a completely open relationship. I mean, I don't know how I could handle this being an every weekend thing. Once every couple of months is a lot easier to handle for me.
Last weekend, after a year and two months of going without sex with a woman, I got up the nerve and we agreed that he could explore the hetero side for the first time during our relationship. The sex itself is not what got to me at all. The part leading up to it did. The charm, the sweet talk, etc., etc... Maybe it is indeed jealousy, but what gets me is he doesn't "get that tone in his voice" when he talks to me.
After it's over and he comes home, we talk for a little while about it, and over the next couple of days, he thinks he's realized that he is about 85% straight and 15% gay, and wants to throw anything dealing with an emotional relationship between the two of us away.
He wants us to remain life partners and be in an open "sex-only" relationship -- still live with me, still raise his children with him, still sleep in the same bed, still have sex, but none of the romantic stuff we've been doing for 8 months. Damnit, I love kissing! He wants to actively pursue being flirtatious and having sex with women. As much as it hurts, as I have grown very attached, I am trying to find the solution that will make us both happy. I want the affection and emotion in non-sexual ways, but the only time we connect emotionally is during sex. It doesn't carry over to the next day. We love each other very much and have for a long time. It's just not a romantic love for him. I could say "well, not romantic anymore" and that would be easier for even me to understand, but I don't think this whole time he's allowed himself to get attached. But he wants to. I don't pass judgment or blame him, he's just trying to figure this out. He thinks we can work it out in a way that both of us will be happy and we will both get what it is that we want. We've talked about the idea of having our relationship, and one steady female that he could pick to take care of the other side. I can deal with that much better with a romantic connection. He wants to give me that, but he doesn't know how. In the meantime, we don't have a real conclusion as to how it will work, and it's left me with more questions than I can answer.
I love having him around, but I'm unsure if it will confuse me more, or if I need to let him go, have more of a casual relationship, have him get his own place, step back and date, or just hold on a little longer to see what happens? He's been so confused about himself all this time, gone back and forth and back and forth about what he wants, could it be possible that he is confused about what he really wants now? It really really has gone back and forth and back and forth. As his bestest, bestest friend, and now boyfriend, how do I help him help himself and remain in a relationship that may or may not be the love of our lives?
I'm a gay man in a relationship(?) with a bisexual guy. We've been friends for almost 10 years now. I've always been there to catch him when he falls and to support him and give him the courage and excitement to go after his dreams and make them happen. After a couple of failed marriages (bad, bad relationships), he wanted to try a romantic relationship with a guy. I am the only guy he feels comfortable having sex with. He pursued me, poured on the charm and the sweetness and won me over faster than my better judgment should have allowed. Within two months, we were moved in together, again, against my better judgment, and happily pursuing our future. 8 months into it, and almost at the end of it, I need some advice!
In the beginning, he and I talked over the phone a helluva lot, and I knew he was bisexual long before we ever got involved. We knew what a relationship was supposed to be about. Mature adults who talk instead of argue. Our relationship began shortly after me telling him I was open to his fantasy of having both a guy and a girl at the same time. I took the time to understand bisexuality, and I always knew that one day I would have to deal with the feelings that come up between us when the hetero part of him needed to be satisfied. I do understand it. And we talked about it. It went from the idea of us doing something like this as a couple to being more and more about wanting to go off and do it alone. Something about a stigma that most women around here have about have sex with a gay and a bi guy....
My only hangup was that he and I build our emotional relationship to a point where I would be comfortable with him going to do that. I don't want him to deny who he is, just like I wouldn't deny that being completely gay is who I am. And I won't lie -- I wouldn't be comfortable with a completely open relationship. I mean, I don't know how I could handle this being an every weekend thing. Once every couple of months is a lot easier to handle for me.
Last weekend, after a year and two months of going without sex with a woman, I got up the nerve and we agreed that he could explore the hetero side for the first time during our relationship. The sex itself is not what got to me at all. The part leading up to it did. The charm, the sweet talk, etc., etc... Maybe it is indeed jealousy, but what gets me is he doesn't "get that tone in his voice" when he talks to me.
After it's over and he comes home, we talk for a little while about it, and over the next couple of days, he thinks he's realized that he is about 85% straight and 15% gay, and wants to throw anything dealing with an emotional relationship between the two of us away.
He wants us to remain life partners and be in an open "sex-only" relationship -- still live with me, still raise his children with him, still sleep in the same bed, still have sex, but none of the romantic stuff we've been doing for 8 months. Damnit, I love kissing! He wants to actively pursue being flirtatious and having sex with women. As much as it hurts, as I have grown very attached, I am trying to find the solution that will make us both happy. I want the affection and emotion in non-sexual ways, but the only time we connect emotionally is during sex. It doesn't carry over to the next day. We love each other very much and have for a long time. It's just not a romantic love for him. I could say "well, not romantic anymore" and that would be easier for even me to understand, but I don't think this whole time he's allowed himself to get attached. But he wants to. I don't pass judgment or blame him, he's just trying to figure this out. He thinks we can work it out in a way that both of us will be happy and we will both get what it is that we want. We've talked about the idea of having our relationship, and one steady female that he could pick to take care of the other side. I can deal with that much better with a romantic connection. He wants to give me that, but he doesn't know how. In the meantime, we don't have a real conclusion as to how it will work, and it's left me with more questions than I can answer.
I love having him around, but I'm unsure if it will confuse me more, or if I need to let him go, have more of a casual relationship, have him get his own place, step back and date, or just hold on a little longer to see what happens? He's been so confused about himself all this time, gone back and forth and back and forth about what he wants, could it be possible that he is confused about what he really wants now? It really really has gone back and forth and back and forth. As his bestest, bestest friend, and now boyfriend, how do I help him help himself and remain in a relationship that may or may not be the love of our lives?