BI QUESTION.... [Archive]

gfofbiguy

Nov 29, 2007, 8:40 PM

Two years is a long time, but there are people who have been married or dating for many years and then finally come out to their spouse/significant other as well....I am str8, my b/f is bi. He came out to me before we even met face to face and I'm happy he did. He said he did so I had an "out" of not meeting him (he says that most women do not want to date bi-guys). I still wanted to meet him face to face and we have been together now for almost two years (in March), living together for a year now. I know if he had told me after we had been together, I would have felt hurt that he didn't trust me enough to let me know that side of him, however I can understand why people don't share that side with the person they love or care about the most as well....fear of rejection being #1, I think. Personally, I would have forgave him as well (depending on the circumstances of course - if there was cheating involved with either sex, much more difficult for me to forgive), but I do have to say, all in all, I am very happy with my relationship with my b/f and know that I am *lucky* in some people's eyes that I was told upfront about his sexuality.

shameless agitator

Nov 29, 2007, 8:42 PM

For me the biggest question that would effect my reaction would be whether this was a recent self discovery. If he's known all along that he was bi & didn't say anything, I would be incredibly pissed off. Honesty is an absolute must in my world & I would seriously consider ending the whole thing. If, on the other hand, he's just coming to grips with his own sexuality, I would try to stand by him & help him figure out what it all means to his sense of self.

Skater Boy

Nov 29, 2007, 8:43 PM

He came out to me before we even met face to face and I'm happy he did. He said he did so I had an "out" of not meeting him (he says that most women do not want to date bi-guys).

Your b/f sounds like a very honest and brave man. I think the bisexual community could do with a few more like him.

gfofbiguy

Nov 29, 2007, 8:51 PM

I agree, with both the bravery and honesty as well as that the bisexual community could do with more like him. I can't tell you the number of guys he's chatted with that are married or have a g/f and the spouse or g/f doesn't know the guy is bi...it's sad, really, I think.

He told me that he finally started telling people before he met them face to face (we met on a personals site) that he was bi, because he didn't want to lie and also didn't want to waste his own time or her time if she did not care to meet or date a bisexual guy. When he told his exwife that he was curious, she freaked out. Oh, well....yay for me! :bigrin: I got a keeper here!

DiamondDog

Nov 29, 2007, 9:20 PM

Im just curious to hear some responses.....

Q: Your with your significant other for over 2 years. Your straight and you thought he was straight until one day he admits he bi. How did you feel and how do you feel today?

I'm not het but if I were with a male partner and we had a relationship for 2+ years and he finally admitted to me that he's not gay but he's bi, I'd be happy that he discovered that and accepted himself but I would have wished that he'd admitted it or told me years before so we could have been having male/male/female 3 ways with each other and submissive women.

I'd also wonder why he didn't tell me years earlier since I'm totally out as being queer and I prefer to date/get into LTRs with bi men. I do date and get into relationships with homosexual men too but I'd also wonder why he didn't tell me if he knew all along and I was being honest with him from the start about myself.

If I were het I probably wouldn't be in a relationship or even want to have sex with a guy.

As far as LTRs with women go I would never get into a LT relationship with a het woman and I'd only want to be in a relationship with a bi/dyke woman since I'm a bi/gay queer man.

The sexual orientation labels don't really mean anything to me anymore though since they're just political tools and people break them all the time.

Tingly_Tickles

Nov 30, 2007, 2:17 AM

That's the main problem that I usually see is that a lot of women don't want to
date or even have a relationship with a bi guy because they seem to think that
it just means they will cheat eventually.

However this is not the case with all and it doesn't even have anything to do
with sexual preference if you cheat or not.

I told my wife after we started dating but the reason for that was that I did not
have any idea how anyone would react to it I was not out at the time so she
was basically the first person other than the guys that I dated that actually knew of it.

KrazyKat

Nov 30, 2007, 4:35 AM

So, I was with my girlfriend for over a year before I came out to her, but there are a number of reasons for that. I've had a feeling for a while that I might be bi, but I kind of pushed it out of my mind. I didn't do it out of denial, exactly, but rather I acknowledged the possibility but didn't feel like dealing with it just yet. I didn't start to really think about it until after I started dating her. While it took me a long time to work up the courage to tell her, it was because I hadn't told anyone yet, and I hadn't acted on it yet. I don't think I was deceiving her, I just had to figure out how I felt first before I could tell her how I felt.

She took it very well, and she was even a little intrigued. I think she might have been a bit suspicious in the back of her mind all along. Now, we're going to be in different locations this year, and she's encouraging me to experiment (and I'm encouraging her to have fun too!).

Mrs.F

Nov 30, 2007, 4:47 AM

I dated my husband for 5 yrs. before we married. When we hit 10 yrs. of marriage and our son was 2 yrs. old I caught my husband on this site. He had accidently left his laptop on the kitchen table open to this site. I was able to view everything. I have never been one to be nosy and get into his stuff but seeing it brought it to my attention and I did look. I was horrified!! I had NO idea! He had his profile all written which I read and I was able to view his posts that he had replied too which stated that he had been with a few guys before he met me. :eek:

Was I mad? YES! Did I feel decieved, cheated on, betrayed, PISSED, afraid? YES! :mad: I felt every emotion you could think of. I think was floored me the most was the fact that I had NO idea and after being together for all that time, he never once felt the obligation to tell me. Did I ever judge him as a man and think badly of him.........absolutely NOT. Once I got over my fear of it all, I started to realize how scared he really was that I knew this about him. He was petrified that he had just lost me and I would never understand. :( It was then I decided I wanted to support him and understand his feelings....this part of him I knew nothing about.

Now....2 yrs. later with tons and tons of communication, honesty, ME, joining this site and meeting others to understand.....I am not upset. I got over that. I understand that he was afraid to tell me and was afraid that I would not ever understand and would leave him. He told me that he was hoping he could just put away that side of him and go on without it. He discovered that he could not do that though. He never once cheated on me while we have been together and he will ONLY be with a man if I know about it, have met him and feel comfortable with the situation. I trust him fully and Love him even more now to this day. :grouphug:

biupstateny

Nov 30, 2007, 12:16 PM

THANK YOU for all the replys! I was just wondering if this has happened to others! My situation was just as I posted in my question. I have been dating my bf for 3 years now. Last Jan., after 2 1/2 years I found out he was bi, and he admitted to it. I was hurt, ashamed, scared, but above all felt so betrayed that he coulden't trust me enough to tell me. Hes known he was bi since his teenage years, and has never told a sole because he does not want to be judged. I am now the only person in his life that knows, and when I finally got over the initial shock....and after going through my own issues with a DWI and jail time, I learned to love him even more because of what happen, and more now because of who he is. Our realtionship has become SOOO much stronger. And because I like gay porn... M on M....it really turns me on knowing that My man could be sucking another off some day, and I want it to happen for him!!! I do have the best of both worlds, but most of all I have a man that has given me his heart, and nothing can match that!!! Thanks again!!!

:wiggle2: Never be ashamed of who you are, you were made an origional!!!!!

biupstateny

Nov 30, 2007, 12:20 PM

by the way MRS. F....you hit the nail dead on the head!!! And I too love my man even more today, and our realtionship is beyond anything I've ever had with a man! The feelings and emotions of finding out devistated me, and he was afraid to lose me. Him coming out was actually the best thing in our realtionship!!! :grouphug:

AmeMahoney

Nov 30, 2007, 7:23 PM

I'm glad so many people have the maturity to get through being scared and communicate with their partners! Two years (or ten) is a long time. I'd probably be a little mad if my man didn't tell me something - of course, I haven't left him much room as we've discussed many manner of possible things that we each might be into or involved in. I like to get any possible issues out of the way early in the relationship. (Sex things, cross-dressing, many, many things...) If he lied to me and said, "no" when I asked him and then found out about it, then I'd be pissed.

For people who were just told after a couple of years into the relationship and the guy had never told anyone else...that just means he trusts you enough to tell you. I'd be more honored than angry at that point. But that's just my opinion.

biupstateny

Nov 30, 2007, 7:35 PM

honered!! Both that he told me and to have him in my life!!! Love is wonderful as long as you know how to open your heart!!!

dfitterdanny

Mar 30, 2008, 6:00 PM

Im just curious to hear some responses.....

Q: Your with your significant other for over 2 years. Your straight and you thought he was straight until one day he admits he bi. How did you feel and how do you feel today?

well at first, you might feel betrayed, however when you realize how much you love him and consider why he had to hide his sexuality, you will forgive him and ultimately it will strengthen your relationship rather than undermine it. todays society has us so concerned what is the norm, when in actuallity its how we feel together and how we are comfortable with who we are when all veils are removed

Bluebiyou

Mar 30, 2008, 6:54 PM

Well, have you previously announced, in detail your non-desire to be with another woman?
Are the words 'assume' and 'expect' appearing in your response?

Did you clearly communicate and mutually agree to the 'terms of monogamy' with him?

My gf knows I'm bi, but we have never directly discussed this subject. We have clearly discussed and defined our guidelines of monogamy in our relationship. I have not slept with anyone else the entire time we've been dating. I figure all relationships come to an end after a couple/few years, so I'll have my fun then. If my feelings become so overwhelming that I have to be with another guy, I'll let her know. If she stays, that's her decision. If I stay with her, that's my decision. We all change and grow. We all make our own decisions. If I suggest some more satisfying (to me) sex play with her, and her own feelings/beliefs pull her away (she'll do it if I ask/tell her to) then clearly our sexuality is not matched. If the rest of the aspects of our relationship are so desirable to me that I'm willing to compromise my sexual needs, then that's my decision.
I'm a firm believer that people should only be together as long as both want to be together. The matter of children (and their welfare) is certainly an issue (for many) in staying longer in a relationship, but not for me... since I have none.
If you're too conformist/too uncomfortable to be with a bi guy then get out; haul ass. Find yourself a 'John Wayne'. Your significant other is not your property, you stay together by continuous mutual agreement. At the moment I choose to stay in mine. My decision has been the same for the past 3 years. I desperately hate deluding myself. :)
Good luck to you!

BronzeBobby

Mar 30, 2008, 7:25 PM

My answer's pretty simple. I would feel curious and want to know more about the situation. But I wouldn't be mad. I always try to use common sense and look at where people are coming from. He might have had good reason to think you would not accept his sexuality, and maybe he wanted to protect you from the truth. Maybe it was poor judgment on his part, people make mistakes; I'm sure you've made some mistakes too. Talk it over with him and try to figure out the best solution going forward. But don't get hung up on feeling victimized or turning him into the bad guy; that's unproductive.

biupstateny

Mar 30, 2008, 7:52 PM

I didn't even remember posting this thread!!!

Thanks for all the resopnses!!!

I went through a lot with this situation. He came out to me in Jan 07 and I went through all the mental torment. After being forced to take some time to myself, I realized, what is the fuss? I like gay porn...MM...and gay men never bothered me at all, so what am I stressing over. And the fact that he opened up this side to me ment so much.

To make a LLLOOONNNGGG story short, he is my best friend and the only person to truly know me next to my best woman friend that was murdered 2 years ago. We enjoy a VERY open and honest realtionship and look forward to the day we can experiance what we lust for!! We have a bond like no other and I feel i'm a very lucky woman. And the fact that we were just married Feb. 29th, 08 just put the icing on the cake! I wish everyone could have what I have. Its a peace like no other! And he makes me realize who I am!!

Thanks again for the responses!!!:grouphug:

biupstateny

Mar 30, 2008, 7:57 PM

well at first, you might feel betrayed, however when you realize how much you love him and consider why he had to hide his sexuality, you will forgive him and ultimately it will strengthen your relationship rather than undermine it. todays society has us so concerned what is the norm, when in actuallity its how we feel together and how we are comfortable with who we are when all veils are removed

And it did get stronger!! Everyday we learn something new about each other!! Im dissapointed I got angry "at first", but I accept and love him for the person he is! And if given the chance to learn it all over again, your damn skippy i'd do things different!!

denvermarriedbi

Mar 31, 2008, 1:59 AM

Now....2 yrs. later with tons and tons of communication, honesty, ME, joining this site and meeting others to understand.....I am not upset. I got over that. I understand that he was afraid to tell me and was afraid that I would not ever understand and would leave him. He told me that he was hoping he could just put away that side of him and go on without it. He discovered that he could not do that though. He never once cheated on me while we have been together and he will ONLY be with a man if I know about it, have met him and feel comfortable with the situation. I trust him fully and Love him even more now to this day. :grouphug:

The world needs MANY MANY more of you! Most wives who discover their husbands are bi take things very badly. (Luckily mine wasn't surprised and knew long before I "came out" to her.)

rock-g'sguy

Mar 31, 2008, 8:36 AM

For me personaly, I have been bi my whole life. When I got married, I didn't tell my wife at the time, I was scared to death for her to find out. I feel the worst thing I did was never tell her. I was living a secret life, I was cheating on her, with a another woman (many women),and with a guy (many guys). This went on for about 8yrs. before she found out. That ended our marriage, and I believe with her, if I was honest, she would have never married me. Yes I was living a lie, but in that lie I was living I now have two wonderful boys and I wouldn't change that for anything. So living a lie, to me payed off, But now.... Now I live with my girl friend, who is also bi. Before I moved in with her I told her the truth. I was scared that she would think that a guy being with a guy was totally gay, and a man can not be bi. Well if I would have known how turned on she would get by it, I would have told her before we were dating.... I now know that honesty is the best. I know that I will never not say the truth again when it comes to being honest about my sexuality, I am BI and my girl friend loves it.

diB4u

Mar 31, 2008, 2:45 PM

Well this sorta did happen to me, i found out that my ex-boyfriend at the time was bicuirous. By accident- I happened to have logged into yahoo and well it said that he likes to suck cock.

I was taken back, I was shocked- well not shocked just annoyed that he didnt or couldnt have told me.

He's an ex for more reasons than that but it didnt help.

So, if that was to happen again, then I think I would still feel really hurt that the person whom is meant to love me- or at least respect me enough NOT to lie to me.... Saying that, some people when they realise that they actuarly do like the members of the same gender, they can be embarrased or even humiliated when caught out.

I can't see that happening again, because any future relationships that I'd be in, they'd either be bisexual, or bi curious. Or even orally bi.

Regarding issues of cheating- yes it can happen, but so can it, and it does to straight couples.

A persons' sexuality shouldn't be brought up as an issue of fidelity.