Polyamory and the nuclear family

[bidsmia]

Hi everyone!

I'm fairly new here. Been lurking for a while, but haven't really posted much.

Being open about my sexuality is pretty new for me... Other than my siblings and a few close friends, I don't really advertise it much.

My wife and I have talked in the past about possibly having a threesome. I've never done it before because things were rocky in our relationship. Happily, those problems are gone now. We're also talking about having a baby. As a bi guy, presented with the opportunity to explore my bisexual side, I'm excited. With the possibility of fatherhood, though, I'm wondering how to strike a balance between the one and the other. Are you 'out' with your kids? How much do they know about what's going on? Has it caused any problems in the family?

Thanks!

bidsmia

[Aravanww]

Hi everyone!
With the possibility of fatherhood, though, I'm wondering how to strike a balance between the one and the other. Are you 'out' with your kids? How much do they know about what's going on? Has it caused any problems in the family?


Hi there!

I am a 42 yr old married bi male with one child. No I am not trying to turn this into a hook up..LOL
I "came out" to my wife about 6 years ago when my son was 10. She took a few days to sort it all out and then we began to look at what poly was. We discussed all the different senarios as it pertained to my son and decided to approach it as we did everything else in our lives.
I sat him down and told him that I was Bi. We wanted him to know so that he would not have to wonder about any "friends" that came to visit.
We wanted Poly to mean more than sex or love, but also for a tersiary partner to be able to come to the house on a friday evening and hang, have dinner and watch a movie, and if the mood was right for me and a partner or my wife and a partner to be able to cuddle and not have our son wondering what was going on.
Now this may be the exception to the rule, but my son looked at me when we were done explaining all this and said, "its your life, why do you need my permission?" I was blown away.
Now he is 16, an A/B Junior in HS and the most well adjusted person I know.

I guess my take on it is, open communication with your family is paramount, treat this just like you would the "normal" conversation of sexuality to your children. And the absolute must with your spouse, always always be open about communication with her.

hope that was helpful, its just my :2cents:

[pasco_lol_cpl]

I guess Im a bit confused or unclear as the the thread title. Do you see yourself and your wife being poly or will you just be swinging?

As for involving your family, thats a tough one. Since we are only poly wannabes we havent had to cross that bridge yet. We do feel that when we do find that special someone or someones that we will be honest and upfront with our kids and take it from there.

[Lorcan]

We are both bi and had one child. He is now 12. We were open with him from the beginning.... we just talked about bisexual stuff in the family as if it were normal conversation. Because it is to us.

However...one thing to be warn of: If the kid grow up thinking it's normal to be this way, when he is young he won't realize that others don't think it's normal. Once our kid "outted" us to his classroom. Good thing the teacher was open-minded.
___________________________________________

An aside to any potential thread browers with bad intent: if you don't like the word "poly", then get off this thread. I don't like the term "open marriage" because it implies that we're totally open and we can fuck anyone! And we are far from that!

[lashalane]

my understanding of the words Poly and Open are that "Poly" relationships areemotionally based and limited bonds.. "open" relationships are non-emotional bonds that are limitless in number. Each of these terms carries different Dynamics. I personally prefer open relationships that give the 2 primaries Veto power and definite discussion. No secrets and No lies.

That being said... my sex life is none of my daughters business. I don't intend on bringing people into my home while my child is still a minor. I will be upfront about whom I am interested in and why, but as far as "sleep overs" and "live-ins"..nope never happening. That is what get-a-way weekends and their houses are for.

I am still not sure what stance I am going to take on her bringing boy/girlfriends over for sex. I'm sure I am going to be the kind of upfront mom that embarrasses their child because I am cooler than she would like me to be.

[liquidcandycain]

woow this is an interesting topic
being married to a openly bi woman and we would love to meet a feamle to be apart of our relationship ie persay an equal partner in our marriage we have not sat my 10 yr old son down and told him about all this also being he is from a very strict babtist area (not bashing babtists but there are parts of the country that they are very small minded ) i donot think the time would be right to explaine the term bi stepmother to him as where he is from being bi is something for courious teenagers and wanna be's to fit in in high school sadly its just not heard of and not tolerated stupid people yes not to say there isnt gay and bi country folk but yes when and if the time is right he will have a full explination and all questions will be answered secrets in a family kill a family

[bidsmia]

I guess Im a bit confused or unclear as the the thread title. Do you see yourself and your wife being poly or will you just be swinging?

As for involving your family, thats a tough one. Since we are only poly wannabes we havent had to cross that bridge yet. We do feel that when we do find that special someone or someones that we will be honest and upfront with our kids and take it from there.

:) That's a really good question. I grew up in a mid-western state in a very small very conservative town. I was in denial about being bi for a long time. I'm really new to this. I know I'm very interested in other men on a sexual level, and I've had some very close friends I've had sexual feelings toward, but it's hard to take something this new, and project that a year or two into the future.

[bidsmia]

woow this is an interesting topic
being married to a openly bi woman and we would love to meet a feamle to be apart of our relationship ie persay an equal partner in our marriage we have not sat my 10 yr old son down and told him about all this also being he is from a very strict babtist area (not bashing babtists but there are parts of the country that they are very small minded ) i donot think the time would be right to explaine the term bi stepmother to him as where he is from being bi is something for courious teenagers and wanna be's to fit in in high school sadly its just not heard of and not tolerated stupid people yes not to say there isnt gay and bi country folk but yes when and if the time is right he will have a full explination and all questions will be answered secrets in a family kill a family

So let me ask you this - knowing that you're interested in pursuing this sort of relationship, how do you know when the time is right?

[liquidcandycain]

i dunno he is in another state sooooo we have often talked about how we would tell him on one hand we dont really want to wait till she is kissing another woman and then on the other hand going home to get him and say hey son boy fucking howdy lmao id like to be a fly on the wall after he gets back and tells his mom that conversation so at this point i dunno when or how i hate secrets we dont keep them from each other but then thats not exactly christmass dinner conversation ether soooooooooooooooooooo i dunno kinda at a loss but it is definatly something he needs to known at some point

[DiamondDog]

___________________________________________

An aside to any potential thread browers with bad intent: if you don't like the word "poly", then get off this thread. I don't like the term "open marriage" because it implies that we're totally open and we can fuck anyone! And we are far from that!

It's not my fault that people live in brittle glass homes, construct their worldview around words/labels and their percieved definitions, and need these words/labels in order to sleep at night and ease their conscience about their own behavior.

What's so "bad" or "wrong" about open marriages or open relationships that you refuse to be associated with them, distance yourself from them, and yet you call yourself "poly" and aren't in a monogamous relationship?

As far as raising kids in a non-monogamous relationship, it's one thing if you have a kid/kids who are late pre-teens/teenagers or young adults/adults but I wouldn't have an open relationship if I had children who were just born and I wouldn't even want an open relationship if I was with a guy and we adopted a kid.

I'm not saying that people have to raise their kids in a two parent monogamous household of any gender; but I agree with Lasha that your sex life isn't any of your kid's business and I doubt that most kids even want to know or hear about their parent/parents' sex lives/life/lack of one at all. I'd be honest about who I was with and why but I wouldn't have that person sleep over all the time or a person sort of lives with me but they're not a parent/step-parent and are never intending to be one if I had children.

I have bi male friends who are in a relationship together and have wanted to adopt kids but they haven't since they're in an open relationship and they do not think that this is a good type of relationship to have or to be in if you are raising children who are a young age, and I agree with them.

I am not cool with different levels for group marriages and group family rearing. This brings in commune/cult mentalities and individuality starts to blur. Some people think it's okay to have a highly sexually charged environment but keep the sex acts 'behind closed doors' and others think it's okay for everyone in the "family" like the children too, to sleep in the same room while sex acts, partner swapping, and orgies are going on.

We already went through all that in the 60s/70s; sometimes I think people are doing it as an act of nostalgia.

[Germanicus]

It's not my fault that people live in brittle glass homes, construct their worldview around words/labels and their percieved definitions, and need these words/labels in order to sleep at night and ease their conscience about their own behavior.

What's so "bad" or "wrong" about open marriages or open relationships that you refuse to be associated with them, distance yourself from them, and yet you call yourself "poly" and aren't in a monogamous relationship?

DD, you're the man!

[Lorcan]

What's so "bad" or "wrong" about open marriages or open relationships that you refuse to be associated with them, distance yourself from them, and yet you call yourself "poly" and aren't in a monogamous relationship?


There is nothing bad or wrong about open marriage. But as Lasha said there is a difference of definition between the two. And we are simply poly. If i told anyone i was in a open marriage, they would think that they could ask me for a date, and they simply can't. It's about being understood when you talk.



I'm not saying that people have to raise their kids in a two parent monogamous household of any gender; but I agree with Lasha that your sex life isn't any of your kid's business and I doubt that most kids even want to know or hear about their parent/parents' sex lives/life/lack of one at all. I'd be honest about who I was with and why but I wouldn't have that person sleep over all the time or a person sort of lives with me but they're not a parent/step-parent and are never intending to be one if I had children.


I think it's important to be open and out to kids to raise them knowing it's okay to be the way we are. Because it IS okay to be the way we are. It's only internalized homophobia/biphobia that tells us it's not okay.

I do not share with my kid the details of what we do when the bedroom doors are closed. It's not my sex life, but rather who i am that i am sharing with my kid.

I still love you DD. I think we could down a bottle of saki together. Then everything would be better :wacko:

[bidsmia]

Hi Lasha and Diamond Dog! Thank you for commenting!

I guess when I identify as bisexual, I'm really talking about two things - behavior and attraction. In my case, I've frequently been attracted to other men, but never explored sexual behavior with a person of the same sex.

It seems that what you're focusing on is the behavior - do you share what goes on in the bedroom with your kid? I know what I would've said when I was a kid. Ick!

Sexual attraction on the other hand - do you broach that subject with your child? If not, how do you handle it when you're in a long-term relationship with one person, and they see you being affectionate to another one? Do you just avoid that altogether?

[lashalane]

Sexual attraction on the other hand - do you broach that subject with your child? If not, how do you handle it when you're in a long-term relationship with one person, and they see you being affectionate to another one? Do you just avoid that altogether?

I avoid Long-term relationships.. or at least I try to. I will try not to cultivate a SERIOUS LTR for a few more years, which should be easy enough due to my standards. I don't do Live-in's or Sleep Over's in my home.

I'm still not sure what conversations I will have with her yet. I plan on just observing what kind of woman she will grow to be and playing it as it comes. She's very curious so I am sure she will ask certain questions and I will answer accordingly.