Moving beyond desire

[love_bull_4males]

having an issue here, and need to make a major decision. I have been married for more than a year now, and my desire for sex has dwindled to almost none. I've tried to get the wife to understand my desire for both sides. She cannot get past how she feels about seeing me flirt or talk with guys. I've tried many htings to get inspiration for desire, and they worked until they got axed by what she says or the way she reacts to them. I have to make a choice now, whether to stay or be free, each with their own pros and cons. I'm also not sure being free will make anything any better, cause I need to feel both sides, and if one of them is missing, i'm hard to deal with; let alone a failure in the pleasure department.

[FalconAngel]

Well, if you love your wife, then you need to work on your marriage. Both of you as a team.

If you love her, then let her know all the time. Show her and tell her that, while you like to play with guys, she is the light in your life and you are not going to leave her for a guy.
Little things like gentle touch, cuddling in bed all night, and hugs for no reason are the kind of things that work for us.

The biggest thing that she needs to get over is jealousy. This is something that both of you need to work out together. You can't change her, but she can change herself. You need to make it a joint effort.

Any advice that we give you would just be opinion, but if you want to make things work, then get couples counseling. The help that a professional can provide will be worth more than anything any of us could give you.

[love_bull_4males]

ty, for the wonderful advice that would probably have worked, but I've wet up two appointments for that very thing, and they've been canceled cause it was either inconvenient or she just didn't want to go. What i really need here is the last step before it all crashes to an end. here is the scenario:

We have been trying to work out the bisexual thing for a long time now, like more than a year. There was one point where we went together to a glbt safe bar; basically, we discussed what we thought was hot from the people who were in the bar. We found some variance in what we thought would be hot. anyway, i went with the express intention of not looking for someone to have fun with, just to enjoy the time away from the kids. Of course, several guys approached to find out what was the deal, and I treated them as i would any person who i did not know in any other place i might happen to be; cordially nice, and a little light conversation. Well appearently, i must have been subconsciously sending off the vibe of non-interest, cause at one point when the conversation died with one particular guy, she asked me if I was deliberately trying to give the cold shoulder. Of course I was not, I said, and took that as a sign that it would be ok to explore options.

I held out my hand to the guy to show that it was ok to touch, and when he did, i brought his and her hands together, trying to show that i was ok with it. Other than the first touch, they wanted nothing more to do with each other. I turned to her, and she seemed receptive to me, so i continued. Things got pretty heavy between me and the guy, kissing and hugging, while i occasionally turned to her, to try and reassure her. I'm not exactly sure how long this went on, cause I was thoroughly enjoying it, but at some point, she decided that she had had enough, and her jealousy took over. She walked away, and at frist I thought that she might be going to the bathroom, but when she didn't dome back right away, i went to find her. She was sitting outside, and when I tried to talk to her, she said to just go and do what i need to do.

I told her that i'd be right back, and wnet to talk to the guy; after having built up something like that, i could not in good conscience leave him with out a way to at least contact me, just in case. I left him at the bar with my number and we went home. That night was a wonderful night for both of us. the day after we talked about it, and i found out about her jealous feelings about it, while she found out that that sort of thing would be beneficial to my desire. I also found out that it didn't help that one guy sitting next to her made a point of saying that it appeared that i like the pointy thing more than her hole. After talking about it some more, i found out that she will never be able to get beyond her jealousy.

It has been some time since that day, and nothing has changed on the jealousy end. I have been systematically trying to find things that would take the place of being with a guy, so i would only be with her. I found a porn site that worked for a while until she made a mention of the fact that I was becoming obsessed with looking at guys; that ruined it for me. Ok, i moved on and found anime porn on a game. She seen what I was looking at and blew up asking me if I was having sex with my computer character, ruined it yet again, and btw, at that point i was not. All the while I was doing this, it was giving me inspiration to desire only her. There were several other things i tried and everytime it got ruined by some comment she had about it.

I have yet to find a new idea that will work so that i'm not physically getting it on with another guy, and yet still have desire for her; yet, am also afraid that that too will be axed soon as she sees it. It has been more than a week, and phfft from me cause I've flat out lost the desire. At this point, i have to make a decision, to stay or go. I don't know what to do here, cause if i go, it is highly unlikely that i will ever find another woman like her or even remotely what i might be looking for. I also know from past experience that a strictly gay situation doesn't work for me either. If I stay, how will I ever make the desire come back, and what to use to fill the other side that I need.

[Mrs.F]

Wow! After reading your posts.....I feel bad for you! I'm in the same situation as your wife. I have a husband who desires the other side also. It took me probably about a yr. to come to terms with it and realize that just because he desired men also didn't mean he didn't love me or that I was not satisfying him. It's so hard to understand for those of us who don't feel the same. But I've come to understand there is no reason for me to be jealous...I look at it now from a different angle. My husband is not afraid to show a femine/submissive side. He can show affection to both sexes. Doesn't mean that he's going to run off and leave me.

I think your wife maybe in the beginning thought she could handle it and she was ok with it. But your night at the bar was just too much for her. Too much, too fast and it overwhelmed her to the point she feels lost, helpless and afraid that maybe she is not enough for you. Your doing all you can to help reassure her, but sometimes that just isn't enough. It's something you have to work on together.....You can't be the only one trying to make things easier for her and your right...you can't just forget that other part of you exists. This is something you MUST work on as a team. The 2 of you need to get out there your fears, your desires and wishes and then come to some point of understanding. If you can't do that, then I'm not sure you will ever be happy.

I don't know how to fix your problem. I feel bad for both of you because I now understand both sides feelings. My husband and I have communicated alot and we have boundries. I'm am part of him and when he does anything, we talk about it first and he makes sure I'm ok with it.

Life just is so hard sometimes. I wish you both the best and I hope that you can work through this difficult time. Have you thought about having her join here so that she can talk with other straight wives. There are a few of us on here. Trust me...it helped me understand and be able to support and stand beside my husband. Without these friends on here I can't say I would be where I am today. :grouphug:

[onewhocares]

Hi,

I just about concur with Mrs. F. If your wife needs someone who has been in her shoes, do not hesitate to have her contact me. There is NOTHING that she is going through that I have not been in. Sometimes you really do need to talk to another woman married to a bi man.


Belle

[love_bull_4males]

she had already signed up for this site at one point, though I don't think that she ever made a post. i printed this article for her to read and she read it today.

[Insatiablesavell]

Hello. Well I am the wife that love bull is talking about. I have read the print out that he gave me and it is so nice to know that there are other women who are going through or have gone through the same sort of things and emotions that I am going through. And to know I will be able to talk with them and try to sort out my emotions. My husband and I have alot of talking to do which is one of those things that he doesn't do that well. I appreciate all the ideas and advise to make our marriage better. I love him so much and want this to work out. I feel like he has alot of stepping up to the plate to do in our relationship. Me and him talked briefly about this last night. I do NOT get enough one on one time or attention from him. He is completely engrossed in Second Life and it seems as though it has become more important than real life. He has not been honest with me in the past, has cheated, keeps things that should be public secret from me and so on. There are alot of issues to resolve beyond the bisexual issue.
I truly think if he would have been honest with me and tried to work with me and not keep things from me everything might be different today. I dont know? I am not against him being with men if that is what makes him happy. It is just hard for me to see him share those special kisses and fondeling with someone else when I rarely get them myself.
Anyway, this reply was much longer than planned but as you can see I love him, am willing to do what I need to do but he will also have to make some changes and give himself fully to me the way I have to him. Scary thing I know! :bigrin:

[FalconAngel]

That is good that you want to work things out with your hubby.
Very few wives, who find out about their husbands, wish to even try to find a suitable middle ground. There are exceptions, which you will find in abundance here on this site.
And while you may not find anyone here who is a qualified therapist to give you advice, you will find plenty of folks from both sides of similar situations that have experiences and advice from that to give.

In our case, I came out to my wife, while we were dating. She immediately started looking for sites for women in her situation and it helped her to figure out what to do. We have been together now for 7 years with no plan to slow down anytime soon. :)

The jealousy is a real important issue and needs to be addressed. It can destroy any relationship and can create even more problems in a mixed orientation marriage. That is an issue that needs to be dealt with and it can only be solved by the person who is experiencing the jealousy. The other person can help, but cannot do everything and certainly cannot fix the problem.

Of course, understanding each other is a great help with overcoming the problems and working together is the key to making it all happen.

Clearly, there are issues going on that are not being stated and also not being addressed, but those issues are not only important, but could be hindering any progress you could be making together.

You definitely need to spend time doing more things together. The more activities that you do together, the better your relationship will be. As long as it is activities that you both enjoy or have an open mind about.

But no matter what, communication is critical. You both need to honestly communicate your thoughts and feelings to each other and try to understand each other.