NocternalRoamer
Oct 30, 2007, 7:15 AM
Hey everyone, I'm gonna apologize right now for the length of this post. Its just that theres no short way to get my feelings, worries, and problems out in a few short sentences...Well if you don't mind reading this short "Novel" sob story just some advice that you have would be greatly appreciated! Thanks...Here it goes! -A short while ago I came to terms with an internal struggle I have been having. I recently have came to terms with the fact that I am Bi. When I was younger I grew up with a the thought that gays, lesbians, and bisexuals were wrong and bad. This was alot from my grandparents and other ignorant family memebers and friends. I never understood thier way of thought but since they were older I figured they were right and looked down on it as well. Even through that I found myself thinking about how they had to be wrong. I dunno it was just a weird thing to me to hate someone for the sex of the person they loved and enjoyed the company of. I was rasied in the old fashioned, men had to be the macho jock, meatheads and so on. That all this same sex stuff was stupid, etc.. It never felt right. It was never me! I dunno it was just ignorant of me but it was the way I was rasied. After awhile I started to think like them. I used to make fun of gays and such and did realy mean things that I regret. Later on I ended up in school with an old buddy of mine and it turns out hes been out of the closet for a few years. It was a surprise but I at this point of my life realized how closed minded my family and friends were and how much I was aswell. I've cut myself off from those old ignorant foolish friends and started to make friends that were truely good people, a few of which are gay and a few are straight. I've been slowly realizing that my old hostility towards gays was because I myself was afraid that if I did not embrace my family's and friend's way of thought I would be shunned. Its not that I am gay or even totaly Bi but its like I feel like I should be alowed to love or be with who ever I want regardless of thier sex! I recently told my girlfriend who has had bisexual thoughts just that shes not sure yet, about the fact that yes I have had feelings in the past for a guy before that I had the same feelings as I do for her now. I wasn't sure if she'd accept it considering of my condesending attitude in the past I held towards gays and bis some who were her friends. (Open mouth insert foot, while choking on stupid past words!) Thankfully she was very accepting and I think me coming to terms with who I truely am brought us closer together. That part of my problem resolved its self...My remaining problem which is my family and my best friend who couldn't be any closer even if we were brothers. He has always been there when even my family was not. His parents are like second parents for me and even offered for me to live with them when I had nowhere else to go. My family with the exception of my cousin would disown me if they knew that I had and still have feeling for a male. That I could deal with because my cousin would back me and she is the sister I never had! My fear is losing the brother I never had! He's helped me through the hardest times of my life even when I thought I seriously couldn't go on anymore he helped ground me and kept me from doing something stupid...I have only told my girlfriend and I may leave it that way because the guy that I had feelings for dosen't even live around me anymore and he never even knew of my feelings for him to begin with. "I don't see a reason to start a fire if theres no food to cook!" Too sort of speak...Plus I'm with my girlfriend, I dunno at the same time I feel like I'm being ashamed of who I am. I have alot of anger problems and I feel it has alot to do with never being myself. Its just that being myself will cause problems with those that I love...I don't even know how my parents would react. My dad is strictly Catholic! So I'm sooo sure that'd go over well! My Mom said when I was younger she'd love me no matter what but I felt as if those were empty words...My girlfriend has my back and I'm almost 100% positive my cousin would too, its just I want to be me and still have the love of those that mean alot to me..I dunno just a friendly bit of advise, like stories on how you dealt with things like this, or just anything would be appreciated...Sorry again for the length and thanks for reading it...Thanks all!