Have I made a mistake?

[Cesca]

Recently I began a relationship with an older woman at work. She isnt just any older woman but a member of the family which owns the company. She is, or was until last week a lesbian who was not out. I have now been introduced to her friends as her girl friend and now she has told her family about us. I knew she was going to and while I had so many reservations she was determined, and felt she had to before someone else told them.

As I just knew it would it has blown up in our faces, and now I have been told not to return to work because it is felt I am not a suitable emloyee for the firm. I will be paid up to the end of November, but have been told in no uncertain terms never to darken their door again.

And so I join the ranks of the unemployed and am looking round for a new job.
Kari has resigned her position in the firm and is now estranged from her family.

I never wanted any of this to happen but now it has we are both in a state of flux. Getting a new job isnt a problem for her, she is far too well qualified and well known and in demand. I dont have this luxury. Kari also has money of her own and so she will survive quite comfortably.

Now I have my quandary. She has asked me to move in with her and I just dont know what to do. Im fond of her. Very fond, but I havent yet quantified just how much I feel, and whether I am ready for the commitment. It will solve the problem of being desperate for a job, but while I care for her very much am I ready for this? I want it. But Im not sure it is right. I just dont want to make a mistake and do something we shall both regret.

I think I love her. She says she is in love with me and sounds very convincing they way she puts it over how happy we will be. Do I love her enough? Am I in love with her? I dont know and it makes my head spin. I know I want her. But is that enough?

[leelee62]

Am here if you need someone to talk to xxxxxx have sent you a message with wot i think xxxx

[12voltman59]

I am sorry that this situation played out like it did---but maybe what looks bad in the short term is really a great thing in terms of the rest of your life.

As far as the issues and concerns you bring up--they are all valid ones and I understand your apprehensions--

In this case-it may sound like a Hollywood film cliche moment---but I say in this case--why not take a chance on being with her----allow yourself to enjoy being with her and being together--you guys have already paid a high price for your relationship.

At the very least---since she is apparently a marketable person and will get a job soon---for now--why not be with her?

Try your relationship out and also look for a new position yourself---think about what you really want to do---if she loves you and you both want to be together and she gets a great job with great pay--why not make a deal with her of sorts---she works and you go back to school to either get more training in your career or related area--or even--figure out what you really want to do---like learn art or music--go back to school to learn about those things if that moves you--

Get yourself a "small" job so you are making a financial contribution by at least taking care of your basic needs and not just living off of her salary entirely.

Use this as a chance at a new start---enhance your marketablity in the workplace and also--a new life in a relationship with someone you love and loves you.

Whatever way you decide--I wish you all the best dear.

Just my :2cents: on the matter.

[Bluebiyou]

Uh, I suspect it is illegal in UK to fire you unless this relationship interferred with your job performance. You might want to consult a lawyer.
And while it was okay for her to 'come out', it was, at very least, poor manners to 'out' you. I'm a firm believer in free will. Making a decision for a partner against their will is not terribly far from the same betrayal as rape. Sorry, my opinion.
"I want to 'out' you because I want to 'out' myself." "No." and just 'out' that person.
"I want you to have sex because I want to have sex." "No." and just start having sex with that person.
There is a difference, but the betrayal is the same, stick with her only as long as you are still 'in love' with her... until you gain enough self respect to leave.
Good luck and best wishes.

[Cesca]

You are right Bluebiyou. I may well have a case for unfair dismissal, but Im not sure I have been with the company long enough under employment law. Ive been with them just about 9 months and it may well be that since I was still on a probationary period I have no legal redress.Thats something I need to check.

But Kari didnt out me. I was already open and known to be bisexual. She was not openly lesbian. What I do about that Im not sure yet, and am considering my options.The easy option is just moving in with her because if nothing else I wouldnt have to just rely on the state for my income until I found another job. But there is a great deal else.

What she outed was our relationship. It would probably have got back to her family anyway, because now her friends knew it was a matter of time before they did. And what she wanted was her telling them not it getting back by rumour and other peoples gossip.

She knew of my reservations but I did not in the end object and hoped things would have been other than they have turned out. So she has not betrayed me in the least so please dont misjudge her.

Lastly my self respect is fine thank you. I am not a silly little idiot who allows anyone to simply trample over her, but like everyone else, do sometimes agree to things which I know are a mistake. And before you ask. No I was not bullied into it.

[Cesca]

I am sorry that this situation played out like it did---but maybe what looks bad in the short term is really a great thing in terms of the rest of your life.

As far as the issues and concerns you bring up--they are all valid ones and I understand your apprehensions--

In this case-it may sound like a Hollywood film cliche moment---but I say in this case--why not take a chance on being with her----allow yourself to enjoy being with her and being together--you guys have already paid a high price for your relationship.

At the very least---since she is apparently a marketable person and will get a job soon---for now--why not be with her?

Try your relationship out and also look for a new position yourself---think about what you really want to do---if she loves you and you both want to be together and she gets a great job with great pay--why not make a deal with her of sorts---she works and you go back to school to either get more training in your career or related area--or even--figure out what you really want to do---like learn art or music--go back to school to learn about those things if that moves you--

Get yourself a "small" job so you are making a financial contribution by at least taking care of your basic needs and not just living off of her salary entirely.

Use this as a chance at a new start---enhance your marketablity in the workplace and also--a new life in a relationship with someone you love and loves you.

Whatever way you decide--I wish you all the best dear.

Just my :2cents: on the matter.She has suggested just that 12Voltman. I may not actually have enough qualifications to get into university, but at 21 I qualify as a mature (big laugh) student so possibly that is an option for September next year. But Education of some sort is a real possibility whatever I decide to do. Living with her makes it financially so much easier, but I dont wish simply to be the parasite her family makes me out to be.

[Germanicus]

I've just several comments to make since time is pressing, but:

1. Get it in writing why the company will no longer employ you. Its essential that you get more than some vague verbal statement. Its unlikely that they will tell the truth, but its unlikely that they will tell outright lies (eg employee fraud), but something along the lines of "not suitable for work with us, but she will make a decent employee elsewhere", etc., etc. Its unlikely that they will tell lies since they always run the risk of you complaining and it becoming public when you sue them. But to be on the safe side, ...

2. Ask to see a copy of the reference they will supply to any prosepctive employer. Without wanting to alarm you, it has been known for employers to write dodgy, if not spiteful, references for ex-employees - it is illegal for companies to do this and several have been heavily fined at tribunals for doing this. If they cant/dont/wont, the next step is to get a friend or someone you trust to write asking your former employer for a reference. Call it deception if you will, but its better you find this out straight away rather than after job rejection after job rejection. And if its a pack of lies, SUE THEM!

3. Find out the trade union for that company (based on its line of work). The union I belong to (Unite, www.amicustheunion.org) is pro-LGBT and has stands at Manchester Pride. See http://www.amicustheunion.org/Default.aspx?page=3019, for LGBT equality issues. They, or any other decent union, should be able to give you advice on this.

4. In my opinion, I wouldnt move in with your gf - it could increase your dependence on her - both financially and emotionally. She could well argue that you, not her, are the cause of her estrangement from the family and the loss of her job and resent you for it. Additionally, where would you stand if her and her family got back together again? Sacrificing you may be the price she's expected to pay for any reconciliation, and she may decide that blood is thicker than sexuality (it has been known), so you would not only have lost a job, but lose a gf and somewhere to live as well. If she has all the advantages in the job market that you say she has then she will have no problems in getting a job, so dont worry about her, worry about yourself. If its financially viable, stay where you are, but continue to see her.

Good luck

[shameless agitator]

I'd have to agree with 12volt. Give it a shot & see where things go. As Germanicus points out though this puts you in quite a dependant situation, so I would make a point of saving up whatever money you can so that if things go badly, you can still afford to move in to your own place..

[darkeyes]

B sure Ces..sure of jus howya feels.. an if ya r do it. Peeps who r in luff r in luff...an the dangers Germanicus outlines shudn b 2 much of a worry. They r the mos important things in each othas lives, an family considerations shud take second place. We all support each otha in diff ways. The financial is one way..but ther r othas... me relies on Kate for mucha mine, but dosh aint everythin... Luff makes us dependant on each otha so its nowt 2 b frightened of... thats wy its called a partnership...The resta the world shud go an sod off.... b togetha an enjoy ya lives... but jus make sure of ya feelins.. cos if they aint quite rite then ya hav no hope. Ther r doubts weneva we start ne new adventure... but if yas both sure of ya feelins ya can make it work..

Re the job..if it wos me me wud screw em for every penny! Dunno how karen feels boutya doin that but if she luffs ya she wud support ya.

[Bluebiyou]

Cesca,
sorry! I meant no real insult... well, slight insult... just enough to be seed for future thought IF... she was controlling... blah blah blah... Many fully grown people learn different lessons at different times... I thought... you were in bad relationship... blah blah blah...
MY SINCERE APOLOGIES.... and best wishes. I've been discriminated against at work. Once just a random breaking of my car window. Constant attacks on my work (under scrutiny no one else at shop goes through). My motorcycle chain was sabbotaged (master link jimmied) and the chain popped off while I was riding highway. I was poisoned - went blind for an hour... oh yeah, I do understand. Either I can become one of them and fight back (being a dirty sneaky bastard has no appeal to me)... or maintain my dignity, honor, and most importantly morality.
Best of luck to you again!

[ohbimale]

I am sory that you have lost your job. It sounds like your girl friend was so excited and in love that she just could not contain herself.

I agree with Bluebiyou about the employment stuff. Follow all possible legal remedies. Discrimination is discrimination and plain wrong.

Only you can decide weather or not to move in with her. My thinking is that if I were in a similar situation and my boyfriend outed us to his family, coworkers and employees as a gay couple and I lost my job over it I would probably take him up on his offer to live together. It would at least allow me to get through the times ahead without the expense of rent and all that goes with it, thus saving my money in a seperate account. That is what I would do if I were in your shoes, based on what I have read here.

I wish you the best and I am sure things will work out fine for you in the end. :male::male::flag2:

[lashalane]

If you feel like you are "in love" be "in love"...but don't move in with her. Make it on your own first and if things play out well then make that decision.

For the love of all things called REALISM.. do not move in together. You can make it on your own.

[Cesca]

Thank you all for your advice. Im still not sure what I am going to do. Ive not been given a time limit or a demand move in or else or anything like that. She will wait and we are dating and staying over at each others when we need to.

I am frightened she will get fed up with waiting if I leave it too long but thats a risk I will just have to take.

I have always wanted to live with an older woman who would care for me and who was reasonably well off. One who would love me for what I am and in a relationship where we need not worry about where the next penny is coming from. This certainly fits the bill, and I know its exactly what her family think of me.

But I am not a gold digger in the true sense of the word, and need to have the depth of feeling which is right for me, and her before I live with anyone. If she was penniless and I thought it the right thing to do I would be in there like a shot.

I dont wish to be one who contributes nothing to any relationship. Not in any sense. Definately not in the financial sense. I need to feel I am contributing more than my body and sexuality.

I do see an opportunity to better myself for instance by gaining the education I threw away when at School, and not having to worry where my next meal is coming from during my studies. But I do not want to be thought of as a user to achieve an end. I do not wish to be a user, but a loved and loving person who will be there when needed and able to provide all the love and support for my partner I have to give.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Even Blue. I wasnt really offended. Only slightly. lol.

[Cesca]

Thank you all for your advice. In the end the decision wasnt too hard to make. On Friday I packed up and left my house share, and moved in with Kari. There was never any pressure from her, and for that I am extremely grateful.

A few lingering doubts remain but is there not when we take any steps of such importance? My life changes now for the better I hope and we both look optimistically ahead. I have several job interviews lined up for this week and am quietly optimistic. They may not be incredible jobs or that well paid but if successful will enable me a measure of independence and feel I am contributing. I turned down Kari's offer of help in finding a job, cos I dont like nepotism. This I have to do on my own.

Currently I am looking at prospectuses for Sunderland, Newcastle and Northumbria Universities for next year. What course I would take I dont know, or even if they will accept me, but its a chance to get the education I threw away at school.

In the meantime my course is set fair, and I feel more happy and content than for a long time. Going back to the old place in Ponteland isnt an option. My old housemates have already moved someone in to my room. lol

[MarieDelta]

I'm glad that you are happy.

I'm also glad that you and karen have each other.

It is good to hear from you, and I hope things continue to get better for you in the future.

Sometimes it can be a bit of a struggle toget to where we should be.

Take care hon

[darkeyes]

So yas bit the bullet ya lil cow!!! Gud luk 2 ya Ces.. b happy babes...

[jamiehue]

Ye a! looks like someone going to have a memorable Christmas love it.