Friend's Younger Sister in love with older bi guy.Advice needed

[Promising Galahad]

Saturday night I went over to a friend's house. His younger sister who knows I am bi asked my advice on a new boyfriend she likes. She emailed me the details last night and I thought I would share. My advice was simple. No surprise, I told her to go for it. He sounds awesome. What do you all think? Did I give her the right advice?Heres the email:


Okay, heres my problem. Any advice would be helpful.

I'm a 20 year old girl who has met a 38 year old man. Only thing is, this 38 year old man is not like most men his age. First, he doesn't look his age and second he doesn't act it. When you first see him you would guess he is in his late 20's early 30's.He's just way too hip and is into stuff someone my age is into (movies,music,video games,trends,etc.) Having said all that,I need to add that he is also extremely mature. He can talk about video games and the current movie or whats hot on MTV and then turn and quote great poets,talk politics,history,refer to classic literature, and even talk science and economics.

Now that you know a little about him you should know that he likes me. ALOT. I am very confused and am not sure I am thinking clearly. I think I should list pro's and con's and them tell you my concerns. The Good: He showers me with attention. Its like no one else is around when we are together. He makes me laugh. He tells me that I bring out the fool in him. When I ask him a question he gives me a honest answer, even if its not the answer I want to hear. I feel totally safe around him.He patient with me like no one has ever been.I can be a total bitch and snap at times. I have said some mean horrible things to him that I don't mean and he just takes it.He is in touch with his femine side. He reads Cosmo and other women's magazines.He is into art and fashion(which I am also into) and he loves shopping with me. He actually tells me to try on everything and he waits patiently. Now, the Bad: The age difference is something I am having trouble with. I don't want to waste my time with him if he is not 'the guy'.I feel for me I have my whole life to keep looking for Mr.Right where he is not that young and I may waste his time. He is way to laid back about everything. He is weird,but funny/eccentric weird.He can annoy me sometimes. I worry about what other people will think. I know that sounds horrible,but I dread to hear what my parents would say or do if I brough him home. My friends will think I am a twit and he is a dirty old man. On the other hand I go nuts thinking about him with another woman. I'm not sure I want to commit but am afraid if I let him go I'll regert it for the rest of my life.Another thing I forgot to mention. He is bisexual. He has been with other men but feels more comfortable with women.He told me because he says he wants to be honest with me and have no secrets.He tried explaining to me that no one is totally straight or gay.So, thats a totally different set of issues I have to factor in.

So, thats my problem. The only person I have told is my older sister who is 28. She thinks I am thinking about it way to much. She hasn't met him but thinks he could be the one. I imagine a guy closer to my age being my soulmate. Am I asking too many questions? AM I looking for reasons not to be with him? My sister says an older guy can be a plus. SOunds like I have the best of both worlds.A guy who is older but doesn't look it or act it.He can act like an adult and then act like a younger guy in a blink of an eye.I am so confused. I am attracted to him and he is a total gentleman.I brought up sex one day and he said a real man allows the woman to decide when its time to have sex in a relationship.Its like he is saying all the right things. I have never felt this way towards a guy before. I can't stop thinking about him. I have been having trouble sleeping and everything makes me think about him. EVERYTHING! I have trouble concentrating and focusing because of him.

The bottom line is this. I trust him 100%. If I pursue the relationship we need to discuss the bisexuality in more detail but I'm not as concerned with that. What I am questioning is do I take the plunge and pursue this relationship? He said to me right whe we met, "If you have to question it this much than theres something wrong". I agree with that. I should do what my sister says and just move forward and do what feels right. As an outsider, what do you think of all this?

[wolfcamp]

Frankly, as I read this, I am a lot more concerned with the age difference than I am his bisexuality. My second wife was 8 years younger than me. At first it made no difference, but eventually I realized that a completely different set of events shaped each of our lives. She know nothing about Viet Nam, Watergate, Laugh In, Steve McQueen. To make a long story short, I came to crave someone who appreciated Neil Young and Bob Dylan. She liked Duran Duran and...those other ghastly bands of the 80's. This age gulf you are talking about is twice what I was dealing with.

Here's another thought that's hard to think about when you are 20. Suppose they get married and have happy lives together. He will hit 50 and starting to wind down, and she will just be hitting her stride at 32. When she's 45 and wanting to start doing those middle aged things like travel, he will be 63 and wanting to stay home. And, since men tend to die younger than women, she could be spending a very large portion of her golden years alone.

[mrplayfuluk]

All the above is bullshit i did it and lived with some with the same age difference for 5 years. It went wrong for the right reasons and had nothing to do with shallow stuff like different tastes what we grew up etc its about personlities and managing the relationship. I say go for it, think about the here and now tomorrow may never happen. As for a moral standpoint there isn't one, its subjective...

[Promising Galahad]

I don't think the age or the bisexuality is an issue either.I met the guy over the summer at a 4th of July cookout and he was hot. I thought he was actually in his mid to late 20's. I should make it clear he is not one of these guys trying to look or act younger to attract younger people. He was very nice to me and everyone at the cookout.He had alot of women hitting on him when I met him and noticed he was only hanging around my friend's sister.I thought something was up then and that was 3 months ago.Point being, he only had eyes for her that day.I told her that he should be praised for telling you about his bisexuality early on. Thats a good sign in my book.

[HighEnergy]

I know lots of folks who've had December/May romances. I worked in a hospital for many years and my sister is an oncology nurse. Life is too fucking short. Go enjoy it. If you have someone who is honest and loving with you, go for it. Worry about the miserable golden years when they come. Save money for paying for the nursing home. Plus folks are aging differently these days. They say 60 is the new 40 and my brother-in-law just hit 60 and my best friends are a 60 year old gay couple. They keep up with me just fine, and I'm 42.

[HighEnergy]

I know lots of folks who've had December/May romances. I worked in a hospital for many years and my sister is an oncology nurse. Life is too fucking short. Go enjoy it. If you have someone who is honest and loving with you, go for it. Worry about the miserable golden years when they come. Save money for paying for the nursing home. Plus folks are aging differently these days. They say 60 is the new 40 and my brother-in-law just hit 60 and my best friends are a 60 year old gay couple. They keep up with me just fine, and I'm 42. Studies now show that older folks tend to have more sex than middle aged folks because the kids are gone and they have more time for each other. Go for it and realize that anyone who judges her for loving an older man/him for a younger woman is about as intelligent as those who'll judge gay folks unworthy of marriage.

[TaylorMade]

May/December romances can work. . .just takes the same things as any other relationship : communication, patience and compromise. Plus, being that this guys sexuality is a known quantity, that's one less issue to contend with.

*Taylor*

[DiamondDog]

If you like someone you like them, age shouldn't play into if you have a relationship with them or not as long as both people are legal adults.

[scubaman]

The age difference is not an issue - I met my wife when she was 21 and I was 41, 3 kids and 13 years later we are still together and happy. Age is in your mind. :2cents:

[the mage]

I speak from personal experience here............

I am 23 years older then my Lady. We have been together for 9 years.
She is the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me....

...........every day of my life.................(for 9 years)


I dont think i need to say more about the inside of me...

The outside is different. People do look at you both strangely and strangers look downright nasty sometimes. I do get the worst of the "hairy eyeball" from women my age. But as do any couple who step outside the norm, if you survive the initial bullshit your relationship creates around you, you will be mates for a long time.

[12voltman59]

I have to add--I am concerned with the age difference too--he is almost 40 and she is only a 20 year old--

She may be of "majority age" and all of that--but she is still a child---and he could be her dad.

Such an age difference would not be such a big deal if she were say--27--28 and he were in his 50s--at almost 30 she would be fully an adult---

The guy may be "cool" or whatever term a 20 year old uses when he or she finds someone acceptable---but really--it just is unseemly to me for a 38 year old guyto be with a 20 year old girl--

I would not do it--even when I was 38-I put an absolute age floor of around 25 and even that would have been too young in most cases---but at least in those five years from 20 to 25---a person comes more "into their own."

I would advise someone of this young woman's age---to not get involved with this guy based on his age---at 20--you need to be with someone of your same relative age--not someone of a different generation.

That is my :2cents: on the matter.

The only way I would have a relationship with someone so young would be as a parent, a relative or as a mentor/teacher, supervisor, or simply as a friend, etc.-not an intimate physical and emotional one...

As aduts and the older generation--our responsibility to those younger than us is to teach them, support them, coach them and yes love them -but not in the physical sense-

If I were a friend or relative of this 38 year old guy--I would say to him, at the risk of losing his friendship: "WTF man--what are you thinking being with a kid?? Is it because you are trying to reclaim your youth?? Trying to still prove you are hot??? Grow the fuck up dude! That girl is way to young for you to even think about being with--get real and find someone older to be with--all you are going to most likely do is to fuck up that girl's life and simply serve your ego in the process!!!"

There is not too much in this world that I am an absolutist on --but on this issue I am--

I think such a relationship wrong and totally inappropriate.

I know that people, based on reading the other posts, will disagree with me--but I have to call this situation as I see it---

[Promising Galahad]

I appreicate the feedback and like I said, its not me its a friend. However, I', close to the guys age and have been myself attracted to both guys and girls that age. Last time I checked 18 is the age of consent and I find age is just a number. I have been with immature 30 year olds and then been with 22 year olds who sound like they are 40.Age is just a number and I told her that I don;t see the sexuality or the age difference as an issue. Only she knows if its an issue.I told her also people all around her will judge her and him.People can;t resist themselves that.I told her if she goes through with this get ready for alot of ignorance to come your way.

[wolfcamp]

All the above is bullshit i did it and lived with some with the same age difference for 5 years. It went wrong for the right reasons and had nothing to do with shallow stuff like different tastes what we grew up etc its about personlities and managing the relationship. I say go for it, think about the here and now tomorrow may never happen. As for a moral standpoint there isn't one, its subjective...

FU mrplayfuluk,
If you have lived in my shoes, then you can say whatever you want. But until then you don't know shit about me. Jesus, I'm so mad right now my hands are shaking. I'll say it again. Fuck you. You are bullshit. Asshole!

Why exactly did your relationship fail? Are you saying it had nothing to do with common interests and common ideas? Are you saying you can have a relationship with nothing, or little, in common?

I have some advice for you mrplayfuluk. Don't ever stand in front of someone and call them bullshit and shallow, or you might end up with a broken nose. I'll listen all day to somebody disagree with me, but when someone attacks me on a personal level, I attack back and I don't hold back.

[wolfcamp]

All the above is bullshit i did it and lived with some with the same age difference for 5 years. It went wrong for the right reasons and had nothing to do with shallow stuff like different tastes what we grew up etc its about personlities and managing the relationship. I say go for it, think about the here and now tomorrow may never happen. As for a moral standpoint there isn't one, its subjective...

I'm sure she didn't leave you because of the age difference, she left because you're a dickhead.

[kennan]

Advise the young girl to follow her heart! If the chemistry is right with both folks, age doesn't matter. [I'm probably prejudiced there; my wife of 36 years is 10 years younger than me, I think in the newly wed years it helped that I was older and a little more "settled" and therefore didn't feel competitive with her on the petty matters that lead to big fights.]

As to the man's bisexuality......consider it no problem. In fact, consider his openness and honesty about it a great big plus asset. Let the girl in on a couple of secrets: the bi potential for men is universal; the percentage of men bi and in the closet is staggering. The difference between this guy and any other guys she has dated is not bi sex, it is honesty.

And if she wants to know more about what his bi sex would mean in their future relationship, tell her it would "mean" just about as much as it "means" for a lifemate to jack off by himself when she's not in the house-------just a bit of masculine fun, no more, no less.

Age and sex.....overly simplified? Yep, and why not......both just cum and come so natural they should be accepted and revered and enjoyed.

[wolfcamp]

I apologize to everyone for coming uncorked.

This place is not as supportive as everyone claims. I get a little upset when I try to offer some thoughts based on my own experience and someone says it's bullshit and calls me shallow. Not everyone has the same experience in life. To jump up and call someone shallow just because the outcome of their experience is different than yours is just...well...you get my point.

Also, you might consider that someone might be using metaphor, however poorly worded, to get a point across.

Wolfcamp

[DiamondDog]

Let the girl in on a couple of secrets: the bi potential for men is universal; the percentage of men bi and in the closet is staggering. The difference between this guy and any other guys she has dated is not bi sex, it is honesty.

And if she wants to know more about what his bi sex would mean in their future relationship, tell her it would "mean" just about as much as it "means" for a lifemate to jack off by himself when she's not in the house-------just a bit of masculine fun, no more, no less.

Not all men are bisexual or have the potential for sexual attraction to both genders, and not every guy that's into both genders can take care of same gender attractions by masturbation and fantasy.

If I were ever in a relationship with a woman I would have to have it open and keep it open or else I'd go celibate/cheat, or just leave her for a serious relationship with a guy.

[scubaman]

At the end of the day it if up to the two individuals involved. Everybody here can voice their opinions which is cool cause the question was asked. With that being said, age is just a number providing they are both above the age of 18. If the chemistry if right between them then so be it. No laws are being broken only happiness is at stake and there is no promises for that with people in the same peer group. I was married to my first wife who just happened to be 3 years younger, and now my wife of 13 years is 20 years younger and I much happier in this relationship than the first one. It is all abou the two involved, bi-sexual or not! :2cents:

[kingofthejunglists]

I have to add--I am concerned with the age difference too--he is almost 40 and she is only a 20 year old--

She may be of "majority age" and all of that--but she is still a child---and he could be her dad.

Such an age difference would not be such a big deal if she were say--27--28 and he were in his 50s--at almost 30 she would be fully an adult---

The guy may be "cool" or whatever term a 20 year old uses when he or she finds someone acceptable---but really--it just is unseemly to me for a 38 year old guyto be with a 20 year old girl--

I would not do it--even when I was 38-I put an absolute age floor of around 25 and even that would have been too young in most cases---but at least in those five years from 20 to 25---a person comes more "into their own."

I would advise someone of this young woman's age---to not get involved with this guy based on his age---at 20--you need to be with someone of your same relative age--not someone of a different generation.

That is my :2cents: on the matter.

The only way I would have a relationship with someone so young would be as a parent, a relative or as a mentor/teacher, supervisor, or simply as a friend, etc.-not an intimate physical and emotional one...

As aduts and the older generation--our responsibility to those younger than us is to teach them, support them, coach them and yes love them -but not in the physical sense-

If I were a friend or relative of this 38 year old guy--I would say to him, at the risk of losing his friendship: "WTF man--what are you thinking being with a kid?? Is it because you are trying to reclaim your youth?? Trying to still prove you are hot??? Grow the fuck up dude! That girl is way to young for you to even think about being with--get real and find someone older to be with--all you are going to most likely do is to fuck up that girl's life and simply serve your ego in the process!!!"

There is not too much in this world that I am an absolutist on --but on this issue I am--

I think such a relationship wrong and totally inappropriate.

I know that people, based on reading the other posts, will disagree with me--but I have to call this situation as I see it---

Wow, you sound like a dick. If I were that 38 year old guy and you said that to me I would likely never talk to you again and possibly knock your smug ass out. You want to talk about growing up? Try not seeing things in black and white and minding your own fucking business.

[the mage]

I have to add--I am concerned with the age difference too--he is almost 40 and she is only a 20 year old--

She may be of "majority age" and all of that--but she is still a child---and he could be her dad.

Such an age difference would not be such a big deal if she were say--27--28 and he were in his 50s--at almost 30 she would be fully an adult---

The guy may be "cool" or whatever term a 20 year old uses when he or she finds someone acceptable---but really--it just is unseemly to me for a 38 year old guyto be with a 20 year old girl--

I would not do it--even when I was 38-I put an absolute age floor of around 25 and even that would have been too young in most cases---but at least in those five years from 20 to 25---a person comes more "into their own."

I would advise someone of this young woman's age---to not get involved with this guy based on his age---at 20--you need to be with someone of your same relative age--not someone of a different generation.

That is my :2cents: on the matter.

The only way I would have a relationship with someone so young would be as a parent, a relative or as a mentor/teacher, supervisor, or simply as a friend, etc.-not an intimate physical and emotional one...

As aduts and the older generation--our responsibility to those younger than us is to teach them, support them, coach them and yes love them -but not in the physical sense-

If I were a friend or relative of this 38 year old guy--I would say to him, at the risk of losing his friendship: "WTF man--what are you thinking being with a kid?? Is it because you are trying to reclaim your youth?? Trying to still prove you are hot??? Grow the fuck up dude! That girl is way to young for you to even think about being with--get real and find someone older to be with--all you are going to most likely do is to fuck up that girl's life and simply serve your ego in the process!!!"

There is not too much in this world that I am an absolutist on --but on this issue I am--

I think such a relationship wrong and totally inappropriate.

I know that people, based on reading the other posts, will disagree with me--but I have to call this situation as I see it---

.......................your profile......male 48 seeking males 30 to 50 .. etc...
......and you go off on an age rant...fuckin hypocrite....