Advice Please

[ks_hick]

Hello, everyone I am new to this forum so let me give you some background on myself so that hopefully you can give me some advice. (oh yeah and before I forget I don't spell well so bare with me). I am currently a junior in college in Kansas and I come from a very small town with a very conservative family. I have considered myself bi for about 4 or 5 years now. I also have had sexual realtions with both men and women and enjoyed both equally. Now the hard part, I have never dated another guy and I have never wanted to date a guy...just mess around and have causual sex with them. I have always dated women and infact I have never had strong feeling for another guy until now. I have just started to seek a relationship with a girl here on campus however I have been messing around with this other guy for a while and he really wants to date me. And I must admit I have over time devleoped strong feelings for him and were I gay I would love to date him but I just keep getting this voice in my head that I can't date a guy. I also know that if I were to date a guy my family would disown me forever and never beable to accept it, and family means alot to me. But I also don't want to lose this guy as a friend and I can't imagine a day without him...But on the other had the same goes for the girl...I need her...I love her and....I am just confused is there a way to have both? How do I not hurt either one of them? How do I make a choice? I know this sounds very amature but please help.

Thanks

[DiamondDog]

Date the guy as you seem to want him more.

Family is nice and all but you have to do what's more important for yourself and not for them.

[ks_hick]

I know that I write more about him in the article but I am not sure that I "want" him more than the girl...she definatly holds a spot in my heart that no one else will have but so does he...thanks for the advice though I agree I need to think about myself before my family....evey little thing you guys can through out to help is aprreciated and will be taken into consideration...

[Bluebiyou]

Simple... tell him you're not ready to date, which you're not.
If you get too heartbroken and have to be with him, that's what you'll do. You'll go be with him.
Now comes the good part... why does he/you have to carry a label 'dating'? If you want to have sex, have sex, if you want to go out for dinner, etc. do it. Same with the girl.
Most importantly, talk and feel.

[parkwings]

this sounds like a broken record..but Truth and Honesty are where it's at. Omitting, lying to those close to you will eat you up inside..I know it's rough, but just try to relax and follow your gut..not society or family.

Eventually, you must be your authentic, honest self in order to be fulfilled, happy.

good luck to you!

[FalconAngel]

You may also want to explore the possibility of a polyamorous relationship, but this would include both people that you want to see in the relationship and, yes, you would have to be completely honest with both of them.
If you are concerned about the girl's reaction to the news that you are BI, then before you come out to her, you may want to look over the many threads about coming out to a spouse or significant other. They should be helpful to you.

But above all, you need to be honest with both of these people. They both have a right to know that the person that they are sleeping with likes both genders. Be prepared for some backlash no matter what. If there isn't any,then great, but someone is likely to feel hurt. Be honest about how you feel about them when you talk to them.
However, as others have said, be honest and tell them the truth about how you feel about them and about your sexuality as well as how it relates to their involvement in your life and your involvement in theirs.

There are any number of relationship possibilities in this situation depending on how each of you feel about each other and what each of you are willing to do in regards to the relationship to make it work, if at all.

[Germanicus]

I think the "voice" telling you you can't date this man is the manifestation of the worry you feel about your "hidden" sexuality. For a while, during the process of my coming out, I thought I could never have a LTR with a man, but that was my irrational fear of rejection by my family and by non-queer friends. I know the former wouldn't reject me, and if the latter rejected me - well, its their problem not mine.

If you're unsure about dating him, then just get closer to him by spending more time with him and doing things together - if you're not doing that already. Tell him you are worried, and he might be able to see a way through the issue that you or any of us who've replied to this thread can. After all, just because you're date someone, doesnt mean you have to introduce him/her to your family.

Good luck

[dafydd]

date him. the rest will follow....good or bad, it's necessary.

d

[Lisa (va)]

Can't you just remove the 'stigma' of "dating' from the equation. It would seem that you enjoy spending your time with both, so why not do it. I'm not that old but what ever happened to dating without the pressure of having to be committed to someone just because you go out with them? And above all else be hosest with both of them, and more imprortantly yourself.

Lisa

hugs and kisses

[ks_hick]

Thanks for all of this advice...I think that I knew all of this I just did not want to accept it and hearing it from other people helps. I have talk to him about it so he knows...actually when I came out to him that is what make us closer. I want to be honest to her but I know that if I was to tell her now it could ruin everything we have so I think I am going to hold off telling her. I still am unsure ow everything is going to work out because I know he is kind of looking for an comittment from me but I hope he can see where I am comming from.